Update-He DOESN'T want to try - Is reconciliation possible?

My husband and I are going through a divorce. Basically one day he just freaked out and said he didnt want to be married and was unhappy. It all happened fast, no therapy, he just completely withdrew and I was forced to move on.

Well, after a few months he wanted to get back together and work things out. He said he had worked on the issues and has greater insight as to what happened. He loves me blah blah blah. Well I told him no, i moved on and that i would never get past the pain he caused me and trust him again.

Well some time has passed, papers are not signed yet, and the pain is lifting. There is so much I miss about him and the life we shared together, and not knowing if it could ever work is killing me. I feel like I want to go to therapy with him and work through what happened and see if it is possible to reconcile. We are both on much more equal ground, have lived life for months without eachother and are not desperate to be together because of fear of aloneness.

Am I being stupid and should just continue moving on? I have such mixed emotions and am scared to death. The pain was the worst I ever experienced, but this is my husband and I still love him. I havent told family and only 2 friends about this. They would all freak and prolly never speak to me.

What do you think?

Thanks!

_____________________________________
UPDATE:

We met last night and he doesnt want to go to therapy or try again. I have to say I knew this could happen and it is definitely the closure I guess I needed to once and for all move on.

I have to admit I am pretty devastated and the feeling of rejection is overwhelming once again. I just can't figure out how my life got to this point. I was always one of those who thought never me!

Once again I can't stop crying, am sick, alone and lost and feel like my hopes and dreams are now over.

Message edited 11/18/2005 9:44:46 AM.

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

I would work things out. I couldn't go on thinking "what if?" Be strong. It's definitely not easy and don't give in too easily either, but if it were me, I think I would try and work things out.

(I am basing my reply on what you wrote in your post.)

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

I would try therapy and see what happens. I would probably wait on telling family until a few sessions so I could really see where things were heading.

I would always wonder what could have happened if I didn't try to figure it out. At least so that I could be clear on what went wrong and not feel like it would happen again in the future.

But that's just me, I have some self esteem issues.

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

I think with therapy, it can be possible. What do you have to lose? You can always sign the paper if it doesn't work out, right? I know if I didn't try to work it out with therapy, that I would always be thinking "what if".

I have heard somewhere that you have your best chance of staying married with your 1st marriage, and the divorce rate goes up for each marriage (2nd, 3rd, etc)-I"ve also heard that with a little hard work, most marriages can be "fixed". I don't know how true that all is- but I know my DH and I were pretty close about a year 1/2 in and we were really able to pull it around with a good therapist.

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

IMO i think a marriage is worth fighting for.
Or at least giving it a second chance

SO unless he did something extremely aweful to you...yes i would try again

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

JMO: marriage is a commitment and maybe he did have issues if it were me and those issues DID NOT include someone else (like a girlfriend) I would tell him I would try again start slowly and going to a marriage counselor would be a must. If he did cheated I would have to say I don't think I could get past that.

Good luck & keep us posted.

Message edited 11/17/2005 11:39:26 AM.

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

i agree with the above ladies.

And many, MANY s to you! You're a strong woman!

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

That's really a though situation. It's hard to gain that trust back. Did you ever find out as to why he acted that way in the first place?
I'd definitely suggest therapy to make sure that you are both able to past what happened and you are able to trust each other fully and give your relationship everything that is needed to make things work.
If you are able to trust him again and really put behind what happened, right then and there, your relationship will have better chances of survival. Plus you mentioned that you still love him and he still loves you...so right then and there...you are both ahead of the game.
Good Luck!

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

That is a hard one. I would be scared that if I did not make my husband's life perfect at all times he would leave again.

Everytime he says something like, we need to talk, or I have been thinking....
are you going to cringe?

But on the other hand, if you feel secure that you guys can build a strong union, then I would go for it. You love him. I would take it slow.

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

I can't tell you how many times my DH and I were about to call it quits. Everytime there was those on each side that were filling our ears and making us feel "guilty" for wanting to try. Well if we didn't, we wouldn't have our precious baby girl right now. So all the skeptics can go scratch

Don't let those around you pressure, guilt and cloud what is best for you. If you are both on equal ground and think it's worth giving a chance, then why not? You'll never know if you never try. Good luck!

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

I believe you can't reconcile without therapy. However, I would never be able to fully trust him again. I would always be worried that he woudl pick up and leave again without any efforts to work it out (like he did before). I think a marriage is worth fighting for- but only if both sidse are willing to fight. If one side can just walk away, then it will be very difficult to make it work.

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

Message edited 11/17/2005 11:45:14 AM.

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

I think you should give it another try. Unless it was a cheating thing( or abuse)- that I wouldnt give another chance for. . But if it has nothing to do with that, then yes go to therapy with him, if then it doesnt work, at least you know in your heart you tried and did give it that one more chance, as for the pain, I think with or without him you are hurting, Good luck!

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

Thank you all for your quick replies.

There was no cheating involved just years of us never working on issues or comunicating and him just becoming very unhappy and ran away from it all.

I appreciate your thoughts. It helps to get others opinions to know I am not crazy for putting myself through this again...and out there for more possible rejection and pain.

I do not see this as an easy way out, I forsee months of tough tough work with a therapist.

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

If you still love him, give it a try. I would probably make sure he agreed to go to therapy and some other terms. But if you love him, try.

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

Posted by robynfs

Thank you all for your quick replies.

There was no cheating involved just years of us never working on issues or comunicating and him just becoming very unhappy and ran away from it all.

I appreciate your thoughts. It helps to get others opinions to know I am not crazy for putting myself through this again...and out there for more possible rejection and pain.

I do not see this as an easy way out, I forsee months of tough tough work with a therapist.

Message edited 11/17/2005 11:49:17 AM.

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

Posted by ambersmom

I can't tell you how many times my DH and I were about to call it quits. Everytime there was those on each side that were filling our ears and making us feel "guilty" for wanting to try. Well if we didn't, we wouldn't have our precious baby girl right now. So all the skeptics can go scratch

Don't let those around you pressure, guilt and cloud what is best for you. If you are both on equal ground and think it's worth giving a chance, then why not? You'll never know if you never try. Good luck!

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

I'd definitely try to reconcile. Therapy would be a must for me.

As far as your family goes, this is YOUR marriage and YOUR life and if they can't be supportive of what YOU feel is right, then don't listen to them. YOu know what is best for you and your husband.

I wish you the best.

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

i have been thru an extremely similar situation with my husband. and my thought is that everyone deserves a second chance. if he does something like that again then its over, but until then, a second chance is my opinion.

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

Posted by robynfs

Thank you all for your quick replies.

There was no cheating involved just years of us never working on issues or comunicating and him just becoming very unhappy and ran away from it all.

I appreciate your thoughts. It helps to get others opinions to know I am not crazy for putting myself through this again...and out there for more possible rejection and pain.

I do not see this as an easy way out, I forsee months of tough tough work with a therapist.

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

I agree with the above posts. Although what he did, does imo count as something "really awful" if you really want to be with him, you could always put the divorce on hold and try therapy, but only if you think you could be really happy with this man and he will be realy committed to you and to the therapy. Best of Luck

Re: Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

Thank you for sharing your thoughts...I really appreciate everything you all said!

Re: Update-He DOESN'T want to try! -Is reconciliation possible? Your thoughts??

Update at bottom of first post!

Re: Update-He DOESN'T want to try! - Is reconciliation possible?

first some hugs second, I guess now you know and you can finally move on without wondering what if I did this or that... I am so sorry, it must be very difficult...

Re: Update-He DOESN'T want to try - Is reconciliation possible?

Oh Robyn, I am sorry.