the "talk"

SO I have been feeling like DH and I have not been on the same page regarding TTC and last night my fears were confirmed. We were talking about my job and how it barely pays my bills with all my debt that I'm slowly crawling out of. He stated that without my crazy bills we could survive on one job and have kids. I explained that if we had kids I could work Per Diem and still be home during the day for the baby. He said if it happens we will make it work and he would be very happy. But he said ideally he would like to wait 2-3 years until I have my LCSW and can open a private practice. I honestly feel like if we wait, there will always be another thing to wait for until we are ready. I mean we are financially stable, with a house, and both make good money. I don't understand why he wants to wait until I am in my mid thirties and then we may have a harder time getting pregnant!!!! ARG!!! I'm just so frustrated!!!

Thanks for letting me vent.

Re: the "talk"

I'm sorry. Not exactly the same but my DH wasn't ready for a second child when i wanted one..and it was very hard...everyone around me was having their 2nd and 3rd child and i wanted another too. DH is extremely responsible (to a fault), and wanted to wait until some things with his career fell into place. I am pregnant now, but my kids will be exactly 4 years apart and i'm now 39. Not exactly the age gap i would have chosen, but i am happy with things now because my dh is very established now and is thrilled about baby no. 2. I have no real advice. I hope your hubby has a change of heart. I know what your going through. :

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I'm so sorry. My situation is similar to Karens and all I can say is that is makes it that much sweeter when both ppl are really ready. If you're just going to see what happens I'm sure it'll happen sooner than you think! For us, I was juust understanding. loving, and patient with Dh and he came around much sooner than expected.

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Posted by readyornot2

I'm so sorry. My situation is similar to Karens and all I can say is that is makes it that much sweeter when both ppl are really ready. If you're just going to see what happens I'm sure it'll happen sooner than you think! For us, I was juust understanding. loving, and patient with Dh and he came around much sooner than expected.

Re: the "talk"

it's not your fault, please don't think that way! You should remind him in this economy, who doesn't have debt? Of course it's ideal if you don't have debt when you start a family, but it's not always realistic. We are floating some debt now too, but we'll make it work. I hope it all works out!

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crashing...
When DH and I were dating, I told him what I expected out of the relationship. One day, we had the "talk" and I was shocked to find out his time frame and mine were totally different. I had to "gently" remind him that I did not have as much time as he did (I'm 4yrs older to boot). Fast forward to TTC..that was another convo I had with him at least once a month . So, I left it alone and he came around on his own.

My point is, having the "talk" is perfectly healthy for the relationship, but it will take time. He may be ready sooner than you think once he realizes that it will make you happy.

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This is not your fault!!!! Times are heard these days!!! I'm sure your DH will come around!!! Just go with the flow..He may realize just how important it is for fatherhood and doesn't want to wait anymore!!!! Keep your chin up and keep smiling!!!

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Posted by MammaPajama

it's not your fault, please don't think that way! You should remind him in this economy, who doesn't have debt? Of course it's ideal if you don't have debt when you start a family, but it's not always realistic. We are floating some debt now too, but we'll make it work. I hope it all works out!

Re: the "talk"

Posted by jennielee15

Posted by MammaPajama

it's not your fault, please don't think that way! You should remind him in this economy, who doesn't have debt? Of course it's ideal if you don't have debt when you start a family, but it's not always realistic. We are floating some debt now too, but we'll make it work. I hope it all works out!

This is exactly what frustrates me! I feel that if we wait for the IDEAL time we will be waiting forever!

Re: the "talk"

on no, im sorry you are dealing with this but it is 10000% NOT your fault! wait a few days and talk to DH again....explain that there is no "ideal time". For me, I had to explain to DH about age lol. i mean hes not stupid obvi but as a man, i dont think they realize the toll it takes on a body being pregnant and the statistics on getting pregnant (decreasing as you age). He is younger than me (3 years)...but im in my 30s so waiting a few years when we hope to have 3 kids is tough. once he heard it from that perspective (and i told him you only have about a 15% chance per month of getting pregnant etc)...we both came to the agreement to start ttc now (we had the talk about 6 months ago and figured we'd start of 2012 ttc). I wish DH and i could wait until we had a house, etc to start, but its not realistic for us right now.

Re: the "talk"

firstly hugs! i do agree there is no idea time. perhaps if you really want a family now you can do another job for a bit to just get extra debt paid down or sell some times that aren't necessary? I am working two jobs now (one is my own business) and i got rid of all my credit cards and if i could remove my car i would but that can't happen since i need to travel. It is helping but we still have a way to go.

to me if you look at your finances and can afford at least daycare and have that you can have kid. For us daycare isn't an option financially so we can't have children yet but I will be soon trying and hope my business takes off enough for dh to be a stay at home dad.

Re: the "talk"

Posted by MammaPajama

it's not your fault, please don't think that way! You should remind him in this economy, who doesn't have debt? Of course it's ideal if you don't have debt when you start a family, but it's not always realistic. We are floating some debt now too, but we'll make it work. I hope it all works out!

Re: the "talk"

for us, it was the other way around. DH was ready, but I wanted to wait to get my career on track. Now with the job market the way it is, I STILL don't have the job I wanted and worked so hard for. Now I wish I wouldn't have put off trying for a baby for so long, but I guess there was no way for me to have known it would have worked out this way.

Re: the "talk"

I'm sorry jennie! I know the feeling, DH and I have had that talk so many times

He feels like since it's not happening for us, then maybe it's a sign we're not ready. I feel like we haven't exhausted all of our options yet, and we can't just give up and see what happens. That's why we're taking a little break and going to meet with an RE after our 1 year anniversary in April. By that point, I'll be settled into my new job, and we'll be at a better place than we are right now.

Re: the "talk"

Omg you and I are like the same people! Same cycles same personal lives! DH is so laid back with TTC we are (I am) getting frustrated! He has the mentality of kids will come when they come! I have started to get mad when we don't BD certain nights bc I know that's one less chance on getting a BFP and another month we're out. He says he wants them but I tell him they're not going to just appear ...we got to make it happen :( And its such a small window.

I know how frustrating this is (we all do) TTC can be a draining process. Maybe just stress to him the slim chance to actually get pregnant each month and show how we're all on here trying for months so if you wait 2 years that could mean 2-1/2 to 3 before you have a baby.

Best of luck i'm sorry! Its very heart wrenching when you're trying and then find out one person isn't on the same page.

Re: the "talk"

Sorry accidental duplicate post!

Message edited 12/28/2011 9:55:16 AM.

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Re: the "talk"