Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

Specifically, say you are concerned that your in-laws have not planned for their future. Possibly no life insurance, no savings, no plans for retirement, no backup plan so they do not become a burden in case of illness or death.

Now say they have a history of irresponsible spending. How far do you go to prepare them? Just talk about it? Get information for them to review? Offer to assist in putting money away, especially for life insurance?

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

I would do absolutely everything in power to help them.

Thats just my nature.

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

It could be helpful to encourage them to get their affairs in order, because they could end up becoming your problem dtr regardless. Or not. I see it all the time in my work.......often many families turn away from other family members in times of crisis and then they have to rely on people who work for social service agencies, Medicaid, etc.

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

we'd do everything we could to help them get to that place.

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

My mom- I'd speak to her about directly.

MIL- DH and I would discuss how much we can help, but I would prefer that he be the one to discuss it with his mom.

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

Sounds like you know my exact situation

We've attempted to talk about it, and that has gone nowhere. Due to the irresponsible spending part, we will not be helping them with money that they know about. We still hold out hope that they will START to plan for their future one day (better late than never?), and don't want them to think they don't HAVE to plan for themselves because they have us to depend on. But privately, we are putting money aside on our own, so that, if needed, we can help pay for care in the event of illness, or funeral expenses.

We thought about taking out a life insurance policy on their behalf, but learned that given the circumstances (age, health, lifestyle), they would not qualify for a good, reasonably priced plan, and decided we'd be better off saving on our own.

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

I don't interfere now..it's their money..but down the line..I will NEVER let them go out on the street or go hungry.

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

As someone who is going through this now - the earlier you interfere THE BETTER!

edited to be more helpful. Here is what I did ( way too late and wish I had done years ago ). Sit down with them and get ALL of the bills, ALL of the income and figure out a budget. Let them pay and manage still ( if they can ) but make sure all notifications go to your email (this was easy for me because my parents don't go on the computer - so it made sense). If you see there is a problem, take care of it right away.

I love them and they did EVERYTHING for me, but from now on, all future decisions in MY life have to include thinking about how it will benefit them. I guess its pay back b/c they did it for me all these years, but its a rough start into my own life!

Message edited 8/13/2009 2:12:52 PM.

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

My folks - would help in anyway

In-laws - hope. They actually joke about being a burden to us soon because their affairs aren't in order. Joke will be on them

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

My mil-has NOTHING and I don't feel bad because she did get a settlement at one time and BLEW it on CRAP. Now she doesn't work because she doesn't "want to"-- and relies on her dh (not my dh's father) who makes like nothing and doubt he has much saved for the future either.

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

My parents had some really bad breaks. We help them.

My inlaws never earned enough to prepare for the future. They always just got by. My BIL mostly helps them but we help them a bit.

It's easy to say that you wouldn't help them..but the reality is once you're in that spot you may feel differently.

I would encourage them to plan and maybe even offer to pay for a financial planner to sit down with them. Having it come from someone else could be helpful.

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

I only needed to talk about it with my parents. They have made progress in their planning in the last few years and I'm not as worried anymore.

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

Message edited 8/13/2009 2:37:06 PM.

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

Because of comments made in passing over the past 10 years, I'm starting to think my in-laws view us as a cash cow that they'll tap into in their later years. They too go on lots of vacations, entertain frequently, have the latest furniture or stereo equipment, but don't have the bank balance to do things like put downpayments on new cars they don't need and that's when they call DH. They wanted to buy a condo in Myrtle Beach and assumed they could put it in our names for credit reasons, without asking us. And we could "have" it when they're gone. They've put money into pyramid schemes, trying to get rich quick.

We definitely need a conversation to start us off. I already know how I'm going to broach the subject. I think I'm a little afraid of the answers and will rely heavily on DH to get specific so I don't offend.

Thanks for your replies, keep 'em coming if you have other comments. I appreciate them.

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

Posted by greenfreak

Because of comments made in passing over the past 10 years, I'm starting to think my in-laws view us as a cash cow that they'll tap into in their later years. They too go on lots of vacations, entertain frequently, have the latest furniture or stereo equipment, but don't have the bank balance to do things like put downpayments on new cars they don't need and that's when they call DH. They wanted to buy a condo in Myrtle Beach and assumed they could put it in our names for credit reasons, without asking us. And we could "have" it when they're gone. They've put money into pyramid schemes, trying to get rich quick.

We definitely need a conversation to start us off. I already know how I'm going to broach the subject. I think I'm a little afraid of the answers and will rely heavily on DH to get specific so I don't offend.

Thanks for your replies, keep 'em coming if you have other comments. I appreciate them.

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

I am hispanic and in our culture is costume and expected that you take care of your parents in the future My mom did it with my grandma (she had a very low income and she spend the little saving with my grandpa illness). From my dad side was a very similar story. I am pretty sure i am going to finish helping my parents in one way or the other when they can't no longer provide for themselves.
In DH case, I dont know what is going to happen to his dad and I dont think DH is thinking about helping him. His mom I think she is saving but DH refuse to talk to her about her future (both financially and her wishes when she die)

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

Posted by Blu-ize

It's easy to say that you wouldn't help them..but the reality is once you're in that spot you may feel differently.

Nope. My mil blew her money. She could have bought a condo, had no mortgage or rent forever. She could have invested her money allowing her to work only part time to pay other bills and have extra money to do things.
She did not take anyone's advice.

I feel no sympathy for people who do not want to help themselves--

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

my MIL: she has been retired for 12 years. after working 30 years in a factory as a seamstress full time and putting her 2 sons through private catholic schools for elementary AND high school.

she gets a social security check that wouldn't cover most of some people's monthly commuting expenses...and she has some savings. she has no debt. none.

she lives with us. she will be caring for our child. she gets whatever she needs, without question. We, with a small amount of help from BIL take care of her and will continue to do so.

my FIL: lives in Guatamala. I am sure his SS check goes a lot further there. he doesn't ask for any help and we don't give any.

my parents: thankfully my mother works for the Postal Service and they have a retirement/pension (though she has tapped into it more than once for "loans" already) so she will have something to fall back on. she recently bought a retirement property in PA in cash, so god willing she won't take any mortgages or anything on that and will have a place to live when the time comes. It will piss me off to NO END if i end up having to take care of her b/c of her ridiculous financial decisions over the years. she is TERRIBLE with money. but I don't think myself or any of my 4 siblings could let her drown. my father is a self employed musician and personal trainer. I am almost certain he has NO retirement money, and didn't have a steady paying job most of my life, so I am not even sure he'd get social security when the time comes. same deal as my mother. they will get the bare bones basics, just like I did when I relied on them.

ETA: as far as talking to them about it, I am going to do that soon. they are both in their early 50's (my parents) but you never know. I will not compromise my husband's life or my child's life for their mistakes...that is for sure.

Message edited 8/13/2009 3:49:49 PM.

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

You know where I stand on this. Both my husband and I financially support our respective parents because of life circumstances. If I had more money when I was younger, I would have paid for a life insurance policy for my mom. Instead, I am paying for her living expenses now and planning for what I will need to do in the future.

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

My FILs have their affairs in order.My parents on the other hand are totally different. They have no 401K and hardly any savings. I know they have a lot of equity in their house and once they hit retirement age they won't need such a big space and can sell it.
My sister jokes that since she has the grandkids (and FH and I don't plan on having children) I get our parents. As much as she jokes I know it's the truth and I know FH and I will have to start planning for this once we are married in a month.

Re: Spinoff: Helping your parents/in-laws with $

My parents are set. Hard workers, big time savers...cheap, cheap, cheap. Take public transportation, don't own a car, no AC..have never paid a cable bill. My grandparents were the same way.

My inlaws.

MIL has not been employed in over 5 yrs. She sometimes cleans houses with migrant workers who at times don't pay her. This works for her since she doesn't want a set schedule or to have to answer to anyone.

Every now and again someone from church will let her stay in their rental properties, usually trailers in trailer parks. Almost always, like this week, she will be evicted. Luckily at this point, she found a boyfriend who has a home so she will be living with him instead of her normal spot on an illegal Mexican family's couch.

Simply does not want to work. My DH set up a job for her(he works in restaurants, she did not go to interview)
Her family is in MA. Her sister wants her to move up there(she's in FL) and work at the same school she works at. Live with her. We bought her a freaking car. So that's a job, car, support system and place to live. she says no. her mother is dying and her father is too controlling, she will have to care for her parkinsons mother if she goes back up.

This woman has caused me nothing but absolute hell. Once tried to sell us her house...we started paying back taxes on it...all to get ahead and sell it from underneath us.

She will not live with me. Ever. She has another son, who is married to another Puerto Rican-they can all live happily together speaking spanish and making flan. Or she has a daughter.

It will not and cannot be us. My DH screams on the phone to this woman. Offered to send her to AC and Heating school since he sells ACs and has an in. Just wants to do nothing other then find a new husband.

The kicker? This nut is 47 years old. I have a lifetime with her.

FIL. God only knows. Schizophrenic. Isn't allowed in my home. I don't want my children around him. He lives with his mother now. She also has 2 homes in PR paid off. Maybe when she goes she will leave him something. He has gotten into assisted living facilities, but doesn't show up.
With him, I guess we would send him monthly money if the time comes...but he recently called us and asked us to buy him a laptop because he doesn't always feel like sitting at a desk. DH flipped and I doubt we will be sending money.

sorry, its long. I just hate it when people think we are monsters...we will not be taking them in. I am not sure what will become of them.