So Devastated!

I have a medical condition that will eventually ruin my fertility. I am at the point that if we don't TTC now, I may never be able to have another child. We haven't TTC because of finances. After waiting 2 years for us to be where we need to be financially, my DH now says he's not ready to TTC. He's been telling me for 2 years that once our finances settle down we can TTC. Well, the time is now and now he says he's not ready??? I'm feeling devastated because regardless of my medical condition and my age and whatever else that has been said, he's still not budging? I don't know why? If there was something medically wrong with him I wouldn't do this to him? It feels like he doesn't care and is more than willing to chance it? How am I suppose to deal with this? I am so hurt by this right now. I've been wanting to TTC for 2 yrs now. How can you tell someone who you know wants another baby really bad, but you said we couldn't have due to finances but is fine now, turn around and have another excuse not to TTC? I am so upset and angry. He gave me some hope and now it's gone. Medically it's only going to get worse but doesn' seem to matter to him. What do I do? What can I do? How do I deal with this?

Re: So Devastated!

I don't have any advice but just wanted to give you

Re: So Devastated!

You really need to sit down and talk to him. Explain to him how much this means to you and how heartbroken you are. I dont want to speak for you,but if this was me, I'd really resent DH and to be honest, I dont know how our marriage would be after that. I dont think men understand how TTC and pregnancy effect a woman emotionally and how devastating the thought is to not have a child when thats all you really want. I just had a miscarriage and while my DH has been there for me, he hasnt cried and felt the same emptiness that I have. Thats why I think you really need to talk to him. My DH and I are in agreement we want to try again ASAP but if he said to me that he didnt, we would definitely have a problem because trying again is the only hope I have right now.

I really hope you and your DH can work this out!! I can only imagine what youre feeling right now.

Re: So Devastated!

I am really so sorry for everything you are going through. If I were in your shoes, I would be devastated as well. Maybe he is scared for some reason of having another child? If at all possible, I would try to sit down with him on a day that you feel less emotional and see if he can express WHY he wants to wait or why he doesn't feel ready. I think that understanding each other right now will be the key to avoiding a lot of resentment (which I can see EASILY building up because of this!).

Instead of approaching it from your end and your desires, see if he can express exactly how he's feeling. After that, maybe you can agree on a set amount of time to re-visit the issue - say 1 month or 3 months or 6 months. And then don't approach it again until that time comes. Maybe he is just feeling pressured (not saying you are pressuring him, but he might just feel that way because of the situation).

Many hugs to you!!! I hope he comes around.

Re: So Devastated!

I tried to talk to him last night and let's just say that I went to bed crying.

I already feel the anger and resentment. I just can't believe he'd be like this when there's a medical condition at stake. I would never do this to him, ever! He even had the nerve yesterday to ask me, what's wrong? Are you f'ing kidding me??? I guess I'm suppose to act like nothing is wrong.

ETA: We have re-visited the issue a couple of times already. The last time though he said to me a few months ago, talk to me in a few months when things are better. I did, and nothing.

Message edited 8/18/2009 5:05:17 PM.

Re: So Devastated!

First, I am so sorry for what you are going through

Does he fully understand what is going on with you and your fertility issues?
Would it be worth it to sit him down with a fertility counselor and have them explain the situation so it could be broken down for him?

Re: So Devastated!

I'm so sorry! I wonder why he all of a sudden doesn't want to TTC. Is everything ok with his job? Between you (other than this issue)?

I really do hope he comes around - my friends are going through a similar issue where the wife wants a child and the husband doesn't and it's not going well between them. I hope for you and your DH, you can come to a happy resolution.

Re: So Devastated!

Best that you both have an honest talk about things and if he still isn't ready then you should probably accept that answer and revist things in a few months.

You can't force someone down a path they don't want to go with out risking you relationship.

Maybe things at his job aren't solid and he doesn't want to worry you about that?
Is your stock account/401k etc down big time because of the markets?

I would like to think he has a reason for feeling the way he does.

Re: So Devastated!

I tried to talk to my DH just before and it went quickly into fighting. He said he doesn't need to give me reasons, he's just not ready now and doesn't know if he'll ever be. I can't stop crying. I just found out today that the medicine I was taking didn't work so it didn't make my medical problem go away. My husband still won't TTC. I am so upset. I can't even look at him right now. My condition is getting worse and it does not matter to him. How am I suppose to go on day after day and act like nothing is wrong between me and him? Please help... I really can't stop crying.

ETA: I asked him why all this time he's been telling me when we can afford it we can TTC and now it's no, he said he never said that to me. What a lie! Why is he doing this to me. I'm so devastated right now. What do I do?

Message edited 8/19/2009 7:45:14 PM.

Re: So Devastated!

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now

Has anything happened in the last few months or weeks (job, bad investment, personal) that he is possibly struggling with? Like a previous poster said, maybe he is struggling with something that he feels he can't or doesn't want to tell you. I know it's hard, but maybe you could give him and yourself a day or two to calm down and then ask him to sit and talk to you regarding your ttc plans.

Re: So Devastated!

I'm so sorry that you are going through this..

Re: So Devastated!

Does he realize how serious your condition is as it relates to fertility? Maybe he's in denial? I assume you have asked him why he doesn't feel ready. Maybe he is scared to have another child with your medical condition in the back of his mind. Maybe he is thinking that if something happens to you he will have 2 little ones (I'm assuming this is your second since you said having "another" child) to take care of on his own. Could it ever come down to that? I'm playing the devils advocate right now to try to get an understanding of where he is coming from.

Do you think maybe he is scared and just doen't want to admit it?

Re: So Devastated!