So confused and disappointed - LONG, sorry!

Just a quick background ... I went off my BCP two months ago after 4 years because I started having some side affects and was just generally worried about what it was doing to my body. We were not TTC and using condoms because we just hadn't decided if we were ready for kids yet, if ever. The first month I got my period on CD 30. Right now I'm on CD 40, tested last night and got a BFN, and still have not gotten my period. I'm going to make an appointment next week, but I'm sure it's my body adjusting to going off the pill.

When I first got the BFN I felt a little relieved, but then I got very emotional and cried for about an hour. I don't know or understand what I'm feeling. Part of me was excited at the thought of having a baby. I think worst case scenario when it comes to things - my concerns around having a child are more around who he/she will become. I come from a large family with a lot of dysfunction in my extended family. I understand all the work and sacrifices I would have to make, and that doesn't bother me. It's the "what if ..." situations. It's those things that hold me back from actively TTC, and I was happy that the decision could have been made for me (if I got a BFP).

DH told me last night that he's actually been ready to have a baby for a while, but he didn't want to push it. Today I feel a little better than last night, still disappointed, but not crying. I don't know how I feel about actively TTC, and I'm still very confused about my reaction and what I want now. Oh, and my mom for some reason is completely unsupportive, and whenever I bring up having kids she seems to shoot it down. When I questioned her last night she said "I just want you to be happy, it's a lot of work." I'm 30, I've been married for a year, own a home, we both have great jobs ... I understand that, and I'm a very responsible person so her statement is pretty unfounded. I guess I was expecting her to be more excited that I was thinking about children.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post, but I just felt the need to write out my feelings. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading!!

Message edited 8/2/2008 7:57:18 AM.

Re: So confused and disappointed - LONG, sorry!

Sorry you are feeling so lost...

I think it is normal to have some conflicting feelings when you are coming to this point in life. Your logical side is questioning whether you are ready, but your emotional side and biological urges are kicking in.

Look at it as a learning experience- this will help you figure out how you would feel if you do get pregnant. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to try yet, but did it for DH. Then I m/c and was crushed- it really helped put things in perspective and helped me realize that it was something i wanted.

You will figure things out. Just give it some time!

Re: So confused and disappointed - LONG, sorry!

I'm sorry for your loss

I kept telling myself that this would help me figure out what I really want, and I guess that's where I am right now. I was surprised at how upset I was last night - I couldn't bring it up without crying. I'm at the stage where I love the idea of having a baby, but the reality of raising a person scares me.

Thanks for your response. That's such a great way to think of things.

Re: So confused and disappointed - LONG, sorry!

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I think the TTC process is one of the most emotional, conflicting times in a woman's life. There are many ups and downs, but luckily it seems like your DH will be very supportive of you during this time. I'm sorry you're mom said that to you, I know how hard it is to ignore mom's words! It *sounds* like you know what you want to do based on your reaction to the BFN. I think crying for an hour is telling. Only YOU know what you want to do and ultimately you and DH will make the best decision for your family. And don't worry if once you make the decision to TTC if you still question it. We are on cycle 2 and I still get butterflies the nights we BD,thinking to myself, "What did we just do?!" It's not regret I feel in that moment, just the weight of a life-changing decision. But I still know that this is what we want more than anything. Good luck in your decision, I wish you as much peace and calmness in making it as is possible!

Re: So confused and disappointed - LONG, sorry!

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

We had a similar situation in our first month. We just decided to stop using condoms and see what happened - I was 9 days late that month and found myself extremely upset and disappointed. So the next month we decided to kick it up a notch and become more active in our efforts to TTC.

It's crazy to think that we can shape the lives of a small child, but we can. You can be the best mother and your DH can be the best father and you can give your child a warm and loving environment to grow up in. Those things will come in time.

Best of luck in making your decisions

Re: So confused and disappointed - LONG, sorry!

I completely understand what you mean. It's not the having of the baby but the raising of the baby and all the influences that will be in s/he life. Unfortunately, we can't shelter them from everything but the first 4 years is crucial. It's where they develop personality and sense of style. So you can be close for that.

Life in general is a scary thing bc no one knows what is going to happen the next minute. But if you live life in fear of what's to come then that's not living at all.

Do what you can for you and your husband. If your family is crazy then limit your exposure to them. That's what I do. Live for yourself and your husband. Your each others family now and your life is your own.

Re: So confused and disappointed - LONG, sorry!

Thanks for all the kind words and advice. You ladies are so helpful. I'm feeling a lot better this afternoon. DH and I have talked some more and we're thinking about letting nature take its course, so we won't actively try, but we won't be trying to prevent it either. We want to put some more thought into it since we're still wrapped up in all of the excitement, but hopefully you ladies will see me on here from time to time!

Re: So confused and disappointed - LONG, sorry!