Not sure where to post this-about m/c

I know there are quite a few ladies on here who have had a miscarriage and would like your insight.

A very good friend of mine got her BFP exactly a month after I got mine. Our due dates were exactly a month apart. Needless to say, we were both so excited. Sadly at about 8 weeks along, she had a m/c

She emailed me to let me know about her loss, to which I emailed her back telling her how incredibly sorry I was. I also told her to call me anytime if she needed to talk. About 2-3 weeks later, I hadn't heard from her, so I dropped a quick email telling her I was thinking about her and her husband and hoped she was healing. I also told her I understood if talking to me was too painful, and that I would always be there for her.

It's been almost 2 months and I haven't heard from her. I am so sad about this because I fear I have lost my friend. She was a constant source of support for me through my first pg and was actually at the hospital to visit the day I gave birth to Maddie. To think that my friendship might be painful to her breaks my heart.

Should I just leave her be- or should I drop another email telling her I am thinking about her?

TY for any advice or insight.

Re: Not sure where to post this-about m/c

My guess is that she is in a mourning period and talking to you right now is very painful for her. Give her some time and hopefully she will come around.

Re: Not sure where to post this-about m/c

Honestly, I would call her rather than sending an email. I wouldn't talk about your pg or about her m/c specifically, unless she brings it up. Just ask her how she's doing and what's new, etc... Then take it from there. She sounds like she was a really good friend of yours and I don't think this will ruin your friendship but she is still going to feel sad and upset and maybe even resentful about your pg. Unfortunately you will have to try hard to help her get past those feelings if your friendship is that important to you.

I hope everything gets better for her and for your relationship too. Good luck.

Re: Not sure where to post this-about m/c

Message edited 11/22/2010 12:11:11 PM.

Re: Not sure where to post this-about m/c

Re: Not sure where to post this-about m/c

This was a person who I would speak to on a regular basis- at least 2 times a week. Considering its been such a long time since we last spoke, HOW do I start the conversation? Should I just start with telling her how sorry I am? I don't want her to think I don't care- but would mentioning it right off the bat hurt her? I feel that by ignoring it might give her the impression that I don't care.....

I wanted to add that we are part of a group of three girls (all three of us met in grad school). I know she has called the other girl.

It's such an uncomfortable situation for me- I can't IMAGINE what it must be like for her.

I know this isn't about me and I'm trying not to be hurt. I know she must do whats best for her and her emotional health. I just know that likely our friendship may be affected forever because she'll always be reminded of "what could have been" when/if she sees me and my new baby.

ETA: The reason why I didn't call her right away is because when she sent the email telling me about her m/c, she said, "I just need some time right now to get over this." I took that to mean she wanted to be left alone for awhile. That's why I emailed her instead of calling.

Message edited 6/16/2008 9:01:25 AM.

Re: Not sure where to post this-about m/c

Posted by Porrruss

This was a person who I would speak to on a regular basis- at least 2 times a week. Considering its been such a long time since we last spoke, HOW do I start the conversation? Should I just start with telling her how sorry I am? I don't want her to think I don't care- but would mentioning it right off the bat hurt her? I feel that by ignoring it might give her the impression that I don't care.....

I wanted to add that we are part of a group of three girls (all three of us met in grad school). I know she has called the other girl.

It's such an uncomfortable situation for me- I can't IMAGINE what it must be like for her.

I know this isn't about me and I'm trying not to be hurt. I know she must do whats best for her and her emotional health. I just know that likely our friendship may be affected forever because she'll always be reminded of "what could have been" when/if she sees me and my new baby.

Re: Not sure where to post this-about m/c

After i had my miscarriage, I learned that one of my friends was 4 weeks ahead of where I would of been and another one of my friends (who is also a co-worker) was due only 3 days before I would have been. It was very hard for me to learn this news and I cried and cried when I found out. They both understood that I was having a hard time and did not talk about baby stuff unless I asked, but I did not cut off my relationship with them. Although it hurt me inside to know that they were growing babies and I had lost mine, I did not want to lost them as friends.
I would call her and tell her you are thinking of her. Let her know you are there for her. It takes everyone different amounts of time to heal from their losses, and her healing time might be longer than others. But I think you should still let her know that you are her friend. She will come around in time.

Re: Not sure where to post this-about m/c

Ladies- I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for sharing your insight. I truly appreciate you taking the time to help me.