Need Thanksgiving advice

I probably just made the longest post EVER made by anyone ever .. but deleted it because it was long and 80% boring as hell

So, long story short ..... every time I see my DH's pregnant cousins and their babies for holidays I end up crying somewhere off on my own. Every. Single. Time.

I either pretend to need something from the car ... or sneak upstairs casually when people are chatting ... but one way or another, in the last 26 months (only since my first loss.. before then, I was ok) .. I can recall two times I saw them and didn't cry - and it was because I was pregnant at the time! It's not even so much that I feel sorry for ME. I always feel sorry about not being a mom.. that's nothing new... but when I see my dh's cousin (the guy) with his baby, it just gnaws at my heart that my dh isn't experiencing that same joy as a father right now. It also makes me think of our first baby (who should really still be here now if not for being a rare statistic) and I think of how he's missing out on the holidays.. (missing every day, really). For whatever reason, being at family things make me miss that baby so terribly that I just can't think straight for days after.


So .. I'm open to any tips here ... advice .. whatever. I really want to enjoy Thanksgiving this year. I know we have so much to be thankful for. I'm just really dreading the idea of going and feeling downright miserable.

For those of you with little babies in the family and/or ... pregnant women ... how do you deal? Whatever I've been doing in the past is just NOT working for me, so I'm open to anything - even if it's a suggestion that I'm being ridiculous.

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice

I am so sorry you are going thru this...I find when I was depressed during the holidays last yr I threw myself into cooking and preparing...it kept my mind off of it for a little...maybe trying a new recipe that is outside of your comfort zone will be a distraction and when it turns out well ppl will compliment you so it will be a win-win. I wish I had some amazing advice to give

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice

I have no amazing advice either, I am just so sorry. I think it is ok to feel your emotions, and work through them. I understand how you feel wanting to give your husband this gift, and I can't wait for that moment to arrive for you.

In the mean time, the pain of these gatherings are so hard. As PP poster said, maybe focus on making amazing recipies, and staying busy. Make DH feel special, and compliments will help you to feel special.

I am glad you are still able to attend these events. We had a family member that went through infertility, and her response to the babies born in the family ripped everyone apart, it was awful, and still not resolved years later even though they have adopted 2 children since then. Now those two children do not get to play with their cousins or get to know our side of the family. It's so sad.

I don't know why I am telling you this, just to hopefully help you to stay strong..(I know easier said than done).

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice

Thanks to both of you! I like the idea to get involved in some new recipe. I'm not much of a cook at all so the times I do make things to bring, people are surprised by that alone!

I have to admit ... there were definitely things I decided not to go to over the years, and if I had it my way, I wouldn't be going to this either. It's really sad because my FIL hosts a really great Thanksgiving and I used to thoroughly look forward to it. My DH has a big family and multiple pregnant cousins and babies ... Ever since this journey took a turn for the dark side, I just stopped looking forward to these things like I used to. Rather than enjoying the holiday fun, it just becomes reminders that we are still on this path while everyone else is living life around us and having their families like normal people are supposed to.

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can understand your pain. Right now I feel the same way! It's perfectly normal for you to have these feelings. It gets hard sometimes. Seems everyone around me ,younger and OLDER than me, is getting pregnant or just had a baby. Sometimes it gets to hard to take and you just want to go somewhere to be alone to have a good cry. But I have faith it will happen! Try and stay positive, as hard as it is to do. It will happen!! And when it does you will be the happiest woman in the world with a most gorgeous baby ever!!!

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice

first of all im so so sorry that you have these feelings. i always felt so horrible around the holidays/mothers day etc when TTC. seeing my nephews open their presents, playing running to mommy/daddy always killed me but then i realized one day that we WILL be parents eventually and i turned my focus to trying to be THE BEST AUNT EVER. i found so much love and joy in those kids and it really did make my heart heal. i hope you find some peace this holiday season and like you said there is so much to be thankful for, try to focus on those things.

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice

This is probably the wrong answer, but this is what I am doing. I'm hosting at my house this year so I can't run away when the feeling hits. So I plan on taking xanax to get through it.

I know, probably not the best "solution" but it's the only thing that numbs me enough to get through these kinds of situations.

As you know, I have no off switch. Once the emotion comes, I am a total and complete mess. I don't want to ruin everyone else's holiday because I can't contain myself. And when Christmas comes around, if I'm still not pregnant, I will be doing the same.

Message edited 11/16/2012 12:06:39 PM.

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice

I'm sorry you're feeling this way- I'm right there with ya


The only piece of advice I can give you is to be thankful for everything you have in your life. While to us, we may seem as if we're missing out on something by not having a child, to others with children I'm sure they are somewhat envious of the freedom we have by being childless. Flexibility to drop what we're doing and go out with friends for dinner or have a date night with DH without having to worry about finding and paying for a sitter last minute. To take random getaways anywhere and anytime we want to. A few of my friends with kids have told me this time and time again. I would give it up in a heartbeat if it meant I was to become a mother, but for now I'm going to be thankful for what I have in my life.


I hope this helps

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice

I'm sorry that its going to be a tough day. The one benefit of doing this when you are old, everyone is done having the kids already!!! No but seriously, you are going to have to get busy doing something so you don't look around at what you are thinking you are missing. The mind is a terrible thing....LOL...

You need to do something earlier in the day to desensitize yourself. I can get that from working out hard (um some good crazy might help too

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice

I think u should think about the line u wrote.....I want to enjoy thanksgiving

U should enjoy it, deserve to enjoy it

Now does that mean uncan not get upset,of course not...u r human and have been through morenthamost will ever know

But if u can go and have fun for a few hrs and maybe run to the bathroom once to wipe the tears

It could be worth it to not not go,Kiwim?

Idk..I just want u to have a good holiday...u deserve it

And as for worrying about ur dh..shows how amazing u are...worrying how he feels....that is what u can both think about and be thankful for that day....that u have one a other,and when it does happen,when you two are parents that baby will be so loved it won't know anything else

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice

Need Thanksgiving advice

I have no advice, but I know how strong you are. Thinking of you!

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice

First off

If this is lame advice, then please please ignore me but this always seem to work for me....

I got myself involved in bringing the food out, clearing the table, putting the dishes in the dishwasher, etc etc. I always felt like I was still part of the celebration but I wasn't sitting on the couch watching all the other people with their kids. I also knew that the host/hostess was always grateful for the help.

The other thing I some times did was come late and leave early. I still had part of the celebration with family but it was a limited amount of time. Also, it helped me from not over eating!

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice

In addition to a lot of the previously mentioned advice I also work on faking or pretending to be happy, by doing this I find that a lot of the time I actually end up being happy for real, or at least ok.

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice

Thanks ladies I really wish that we could go late and leave early but my FIL lives in NJ so the traffic would be insane if we came and left at a "normal" hour. Trust me if it was a matter of driving 20mins down the LIE or something, I'd be all about a late arrival and early departure!

I'll definitely try to help out a lot, that's a good idea... I really hate the fact that I can't just go and enjoy the holiday like I used to. You would think I'd be used to this right now... but the truth is, with every passing holiday, their babies get older and I'm still in this position. It's just such a reminder to me that other people are living their lives outside of my infertile bubble and growing their families. I wish it were that easy. Like I said, there's so much to be thankful for still, I just need to stay focused on that.

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice

I often find that the emotions come up when I least expect it and given the situations I don't think there is anything wrong with letting it out a bit. In some weird way it is good that you know in advance that it may happen. So when you start feeling that way you can step away and pop onto the forum for a quick pickme up, or take dh with you and have a moment together etc. You will likely enjoy most of the day so take the time you need and then go back out and eat a bunch of dessert ;)

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice

Everyone has given wonderful advice. Just wanted to offer some

Re: Need Thanksgiving advice