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LIRascal
drama. daily.
Member since 3/11 7287 total posts
Name:
Michelle
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by gina409
Where on a wed cost 400pp
Why not cut back on somethig else so if the 20 Americans don't come she can still do what she Wants
They don't do packages. Everything on the menu is at the wedding, from cocktail hour to Viennese. No "choice of two carvings". Nope, slaughter the whole farm 
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Posted 6/7/16 10:51 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
butterfly20
Party of 5 - 2015
Member since 4/06 7390 total posts
Name:
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Ummm. I haven't given $400 a couple to any wedding. I do stick to cash unless its out of ny area and the couple already gave us a gift at ours...
We had a couple come from upstate give us lenox Christmas placemats and napkins... a couple from nj give us two basic frames....
If you have to put something I would stick to " Due to financial constraints, a monetary present is requested."
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| Posted 6/7/16 11:12 PM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4287 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by chilltocam
Since it's a Wed wedding for $400 pp, I'm guessing she expects people to not only cover their plate, but also a portion of the photographer, the followers, cost of her dress etc - to pay for the ENTIRE wedding!!! I don't know if that's it, but I can't imagine how else it could be $400 pp
$400 a couple.
$200 PP
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| Posted 6/7/16 11:52 PM |
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GoodThoughts
Dreams do come true
Member since 2/12 2258 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
This is absolutely NOT cultural. I'm Jewish and Russian, and have never heard this nonsense, ever.
What offends me most is that she would try to cloak her tasteless greed by claiming it's the norm within our population.
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| Posted 6/8/16 12:06 AM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4287 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by GoodThoughts
This is absolutely NOT cultural. I'm Jewish and Russian, and have never heard this nonsense, ever.
What offends me most is that she would try to cloak her tasteless greed by claiming it's the norm within our population.
I'm Jewish. SO I know we give cash.
She has made it out to seem that her circle, her culture (maybe from the area of Russia they are from???) that the KNOW it is expected you will cover the plate for a wedding you are invited to.
I'm only passing along what she said.
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| Posted 6/8/16 12:22 AM |
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PhyllisNJoe
My Box Is Broken
Member since 6/11 9145 total posts
Name:
Phyllis
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by Paramount
Posted by GoodThoughts
This is absolutely NOT cultural. I'm Jewish and Russian, and have never heard this nonsense, ever.
What offends me most is that she would try to cloak her tasteless greed by claiming it's the norm within our population.
I'm Jewish. SO I know we give cash.
She has made it out to seem that her circle, her culture (maybe from the area of Russia they are from???) that the KNOW it is expected you will cover the plate for a wedding you are invited to.
I'm only passing along what she said.
I really think it's not the area of Russia, or necessarily a Russian or Jewish thing.
Like I said earlier - being Italian, we always give $$$ and we always try to cover the plate + more. It's not a custom. It's not a tradition among all Italian Americans from Gravesend Brooklyn - it's just something we do. It's not necessary and we don't base our weddings off of what people will give.
She may have gotten things confused with the statement that most people she knows covers the plate. Not THEY ALWAYS DO and MUST.
I will never understand people having extravagant weddings. ESPECIALLY when they clearly cannot afford it. Like someone earlier had posted - is she a "Labels Only" Type of person? That would explain a lot here.
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| Posted 6/8/16 6:27 AM |
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MrsG823
Just call me Mommy.
Member since 1/11 5570 total posts
Name:
S
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Honestly, if my "friend" sent me an invitation with an insert requesting that I attend their wedding and cover my plate I would reconsider why I was friends with this person in the first place--I certainly would NOT attend the wedding after being instructed to pay my way!!
I would explain to you friend exactly how greedy and rude her idea is likely to come across--when you host a party you PAY for your guests- imagine having friends over for dinner and collecting $40 at the door to cover the cost of their food and drinks- this is essentially what your friend is asking people to do.
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| Posted 6/8/16 9:05 AM |
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itsagoodlife
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/15 619 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
I wouldn't be able to afford to attend! That's insane! The whole "covering your plate" mindset is BS in my opinion. People give what they can afford. It's the thought that counts?
And I agree $400 per couple on a Wednesday night? She's either getting ripped off BIG time or she's included everything in that "ticket price".
I get you're helping a friend. Friend or not, I would bow out. The ONLY way to help this friend is to NOT help.
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| Posted 6/8/16 9:42 AM |
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CSK
LIF Adolescent
Member since 9/11 892 total posts
Name:
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
I think the best way to do it is to put on the reply cards,
Cost- $200 per person, please include a check with your response.
takes all the guess work out of it.
There is no non-tacky way to do it.
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| Posted 6/8/16 9:44 AM |
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luvmykids8
LIF Adult
Member since 9/15 2050 total posts
Name:
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Wow that's ridiculous!
Having it on a Wed night ........ Eh
Saying that on an invitation ....... Oh hell no
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| Posted 6/8/16 10:29 AM |
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GoodThoughts
Dreams do come true
Member since 2/12 2258 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Is she religious? Weekday weddings are the norm in the religious Jewish community.
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| Posted 6/8/16 10:30 AM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4287 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by GoodThoughts
Is she religious? Weekday weddings are the norm in the religious Jewish community.
Yes. They are doing it on Wednesday because there are certain parties to have after that might interfere with the high holy days.
That's why Wednesday
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| Posted 6/8/16 10:37 AM |
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Hofstra26
Love to Bake!
Member since 7/06 27915 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by Paramount
Posted by GoodThoughts
Is she religious? Weekday weddings are the norm in the religious Jewish community.
Yes. They are doing it on Wednesday because there are certain parties to have after that might interfere with the high holy days.
That's why Wednesday
I am curious, is she getting many "yes" RSVP's to a Wednesday wedding? Just wondering because midweek like that with work and kids in school I would loathe having to attend a wedding on a Wednesday.
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| Posted 6/8/16 11:03 AM |
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evrythng4areason
And then there were 4
Member since 1/10 5224 total posts
Name:
Kayla
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by Hofstra26
Posted by Paramount
Posted by GoodThoughts
Is she religious? Weekday weddings are the norm in the religious Jewish community.
Yes. They are doing it on Wednesday because there are certain parties to have after that might interfere with the high holy days.
That's why Wednesday
I am curious, is she getting many "yes" RSVP's to a Wednesday wedding? Just wondering because midweek like that with work and kids in school I would loathe having to attend a wedding on a Wednesday.
A Wednesday wouldn't be all that unusual for religious Jewish people.
I had a Thursday wedding a few years ago that was a pain, but we did go.
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| Posted 6/8/16 11:40 AM |
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WhatNow
Say Cheese!
Member since 1/06 8033 total posts
Name:
A (formerly WhatNow?)
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
So, to answer your original question:
Yes, I have been in this situation because I come from a somewhat similar background as your friend. I am guessing your friend is a Bukharian Jew (Jews from the parts of former Soviet Union that falls to Central Asia), and they are much more religious than us, Russian Jews.
And yes, among religious Jews Wednesday weddings are quite popular.
Yes, it's a cultural thing, Russian to be exact (although I am sure not only them): you bring money to a wedding and cover your plate. Same goes for any party had outside of someone's home.
We had a few American couples at our wedding and no, I didn't include anything regarding monetary gifts being requested. I would say lack of registry speaks for itself and makes one understand that's what is expected. Also, I agree with what was suggested by another poster: word of mouth is her best bet. If she is inviting people form the same circle, surely they will all be discussing among themselves wondering about a gift.
If she absolutely must include something, I would say something along the lines of "Monetary gifts are appreciated" would work.
Definitely not anything about covering your plate or suggesting an amount: that would just turn people off and make them not want to come at all, not to mention reconsider the whole relationship with the couple.
In all honestly, if I was in this situation and were invited to a wedding set within a culture I know nothing about I would call the catering home on the invite and find things about from them.
Good luck!
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| Posted 6/8/16 12:09 PM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4287 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by WhatNow
So, to answer your original question:
Yes, I have been in this situation because I come from a somewhat similar background as your friend. I am guessing your friend is a Bukharian Jew (Jews from the parts of former Soviet Union that falls to Central Asia), and they are much more religious than us, Russian Jews.
And yes, among religious Jews Wednesday weddings are quite popular.
Yes, it's a cultural thing, Russian to be exact (although I am sure not only them): you bring money to a wedding and cover your plate. Same goes for any party had outside of someone's home.
We had a few American couples at our wedding and no, I didn't include anything regarding monetary gifts being requested. I would say lack of registry speaks for itself and makes one understand that's what is expected. Also, I agree with what was suggested by another poster: word of mouth is her best bet. If she is inviting people form the same circle, surely they will all be discussing among themselves wondering about a gift.
If she absolutely must include something, I would say something along the lines of "Monetary gifts are appreciated" would work.
Definitely not anything about covering your plate or suggesting an amount: that would just turn people off and make them not want to come at all, not to mention reconsider the whole relationship with the couple.
In all honestly, if I was in this situation and were invited to a wedding set within a culture I know nothing about I would call the catering home on the invite and find things about from them.
Good luck!
Thank you for this. This is what I was looking for.
She was never going to suggest an amount nor say "cover your plate". Just looking for a way for the "american" people to give money rather than a gift.
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| Posted 6/8/16 12:19 PM |
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JDubs
different, not less
Member since 7/09 13160 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by luvmykids8
Wow that's ridiculous!
Having it on a Wed night ........ Eh
Saying that on an invitation ....... Oh hell no
I agree... For the most part I cover my plate, unless someone decides to have an extravagant wedding then I do what I can afford... the decision to have a wedding that costs that much pp is on them, I shouldn't have to pay for their choice.
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| Posted 6/8/16 1:06 PM |
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JennP
LIF Adult
Member since 10/06 3986 total posts
Name:
Jenn
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by WhatNow
If she is inviting people form the same circle, surely they will all be discussing among themselves wondering about a gift.
Good luck!
I have trouble picturing this. When I have a wedding I give within my standard range. I don't go around asking others what they are giving, and no one has asked us what we are giving. I sort of think that's private.
In my experience the vast majority of people in the NYC area give money anyway. So putting aside the rudeness portion, I'm still not clear on why anything even has to be said at all.
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| Posted 6/8/16 1:41 PM |
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WannaBeAMom11
LIF Adult
Member since 1/11 7391 total posts
Name:
Name
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by Pinkisles
Posted by ANewDayHasCome
Posted by Paramount
And ps. The wedding is on a Wednesday. Even more fun.
What Wednesday wedding costs $400 a couple? Plus that is so annoying.
Seriously! If her Wednesday wedding costs that much she's getting ripped off!!
I can't name names but I used to work at a Jewish catering facility in NY and Wed and Thurs were between 350-500 a plate after all the add ons and I'm talking anywhere from 500 to 1,000 guests.
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| Posted 6/8/16 1:48 PM |
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LIRascal
drama. daily.
Member since 3/11 7287 total posts
Name:
Michelle
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by Paramount
Posted by WhatNow
So, to answer your original question:
Yes, I have been in this situation because I come from a somewhat similar background as your friend. I am guessing your friend is a Bukharian Jew (Jews from the parts of former Soviet Union that falls to Central Asia), and they are much more religious than us, Russian Jews.
And yes, among religious Jews Wednesday weddings are quite popular.
Yes, it's a cultural thing, Russian to be exact (although I am sure not only them): you bring money to a wedding and cover your plate. Same goes for any party had outside of someone's home.
We had a few American couples at our wedding and no, I didn't include anything regarding monetary gifts being requested. I would say lack of registry speaks for itself and makes one understand that's what is expected. Also, I agree with what was suggested by another poster: word of mouth is her best bet. If she is inviting people form the same circle, surely they will all be discussing among themselves wondering about a gift.
If she absolutely must include something, I would say something along the lines of "Monetary gifts are appreciated" would work.
Definitely not anything about covering your plate or suggesting an amount: that would just turn people off and make them not want to come at all, not to mention reconsider the whole relationship with the couple.
In all honestly, if I was in this situation and were invited to a wedding set within a culture I know nothing about I would call the catering home on the invite and find things about from them.
Good luck!
Thank you for this. This is what I was looking for.
She was never going to suggest an amount nor say "cover your plate". Just looking for a way for the "american" people to give money rather than a gift.
"It is our custom and tradition to receive monetary gifts for our weddings."
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| Posted 6/8/16 1:58 PM |
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luvbuffet
LIF Adult
Member since 7/10 6470 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by WannaBeAMom11
Posted by Pinkisles
Posted by ANewDayHasCome
Posted by Paramount
And ps. The wedding is on a Wednesday. Even more fun.
What Wednesday wedding costs $400 a couple? Plus that is so annoying.
Seriously! If her Wednesday wedding costs that much she's getting ripped off!!
I can't name names but I used to work at a Jewish catering facility in NY and Wed and Thurs were between 350-500 a plate after all the add ons and I'm talking anywhere from 500 to 1,000 guests.
thats their problem. THEY CHOOSE to have all the extras. just like any other wedding, I cant cry poverty or worry about someone covering their plate.
am i supposed to give less of a gift to someone who is having their wedding at Leonards and 4x more to the couple who has their wedding at oheka? no way
regardless if its a wedding, a house, a car, shoes... dont buy sh!t you cant afford!
Message edited 6/8/2016 5:41:55 PM.
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| Posted 6/8/16 1:59 PM |
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itsagoodlife
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/15 619 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
I have to say, the more I think about this the tackier it seems. Just because there is no registry.. the fact that people "expect" to break even on a wedding and "expect" people to cover their plates is insane. When I got married we invited people we wanted to share the day with and had a wedding that we could afford with ZERO expectation that we would end up back at a zero balance so to speak. We did what could afford. Period.
This is NOT directed at your friend, just the whole New York wedding mindset altogether.
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| Posted 6/8/16 2:01 PM |
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Pomegranate5
LIF Adult
Member since 2/11 4798 total posts
Name:
Pomegranate5
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Americans who are not familiar with her cultural norms are not going to give anywhere near $400/couple at a Wednesday wedding. So she should either expect to lose money on them or just not invite them in the first place.
Even with a comment suggesting monetary gifts only there is no way I'm shelling out that kind of $$$ for a weekday wedding.
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| Posted 6/8/16 2:08 PM |
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JSDB
<3
Member since 1/13 1329 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
I think everyone already covered my thoughts on the original post but this is so interesting to me. I have an acquaintance who is a Russian Jew and had a $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ extravagant first wedding, a $$$$$$$$$$$$ extravagant second wedding, and threw a $$$$$$$ extravagant first birthday party for her child. I wonder what kind of gifts they received and whether most of their guests really tried to cover their plates...
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| Posted 6/8/16 2:10 PM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54917 total posts
Name:
..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by luvbuffet
regardless if its a wedding, a house, a car, shoes... dont buy sh!t you cant afford!
This, this right here, sums it up.
This is why there is so much debt in this world. Because people HAVE to have material things that they CANNOT AFFORD.
To show off.
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| Posted 6/8/16 2:11 PM |
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