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Need advice re: prying coworker

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MrsM0829
... With a cherry on top!!!

Member since 11/09

1332 total posts

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Need advice re: prying coworker

I posted on TTC & Pregnancy after m/c, but wanted to see if any of you ladies can help.

I have one of those "well meaning" coworkers who seems to find a way to bring up my loss every day. I was out of the office telecommuting last week. On Monday, she came into my office and said "I don't mean to pry, but how are you doing." When you have to preface something with "I don't mean to pry", it means that that's exactly what you're doing! So I said I'm okay. Obviously, that wasn't good enough, so she pressed on with "are you really okay, or just as okay as you can be?"

Today, she was asking how crowded classes were at certain times at the place where I go for hot yoga. Then, she asked if I've been back since, "ya know." I just gave her the stink eye and said yes. She then follows up with, "Isn't that traumatic for you?" So I asked why, thinking it would shame her (and because my blood was boiling too much to say anything else and still be civil). She actually answered that it might be traumatic because I wouldn't have been allowed to go if I were still pregnant. I was shocked. She also had the nerve to ask repeatedly if it was physically okay for me to do yoga now.

I'm seething mad right now. And I'm also mad at myself for not being able to find the words to put her in her place. I know that if I tried to say anything, first of all I'd burst into tears and secondly, it would probably involve a lot of 4 letter words.

Should I take a wait and see approach and try to have a speech prepared (along the lines of I know you mean well, but please stop bringing this topic up as it's not something I want to discuss at work)? Or do you think it's better to send her an email asking her to cut it out? I'm a little reluctant to put anything in writing because I don't want her to take it out of context and tell the higher ups that I'm harassing her or something.

Thanks

Posted 3/26/14 1:18 PM
 
Long Island Weddings
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JSDB
<3

Member since 1/13

1329 total posts

Name:

Re: Need advice re: prying coworker

I would just say something like you said, along the lines of "thanks for checking in with me, I'm still having a hard time but am doing the best that I can. It's hard for me to talk about it and I prefer not to at work. I'll initiate the conversation if and when I'm ready"

or you could go with something like:

"I'm still having a hard time but am doing the best that I can. I appreciate you reaching out to me, but it's easier for me not to talk about it at work. Thanks for being so understanding"

If you want snark, I can help with that too

Posted 3/26/14 1:23 PM
 

ANewDayHasCome
Love multiplies, not divides

Member since 11/12

14481 total posts

Name:
Me

Need advice re: prying coworker

I had a well meaning coworker ask me when I was due....right before I started my first Ivf that failed. Then I had another well meaning coworker ask some really stupid things while I was pregnant. They both meant well and not meant to be malicious but that's not how I took it. Both times I shot back something snarky and they never said anything along those lines again.

And for the record one time I did burst I to tears and I didn't care.

I think you need to say something. One moment give yourself a pep talk and talk to her in private. Say something like this...."I know that you mean well, but I would rather not be constantly asked about it and reminded of it. I hope that you can respect these boundaries as I feel it's stepping over the line and inappropriate. Thank you for understanding...."

Posted 3/26/14 1:24 PM
 

Michelle1110
My family is complete

Member since 1/12

2338 total posts

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Need advice re: prying coworker

Let her know that you don't feel comfortable talking about it . Either what the above poster said or say you want to grieve in private, etc. Be firm, and then walk away. Maybe not the most mature thing (walking away), but that's what I would do lolol

Posted 3/26/14 1:28 PM
 

AKD
LIF Adult

Member since 1/12

2637 total posts

Name:

Re: Need advice re: prying coworker

Posted by ANewDayHasCome


I think you need to say something. One moment give yourself a pep talk and talk to her in private. Say something like this...."I know that you mean well, but I would rather not be constantly asked about it and reminded of it. I hope that you can respect these boundaries as I feel it's stepping over the line and inappropriate. Thank you for understanding...."



Totally agreed with this. Do it on your own time so not when she says things to you, but ask her if you can talk for a minute and pull her aside and say this.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this Chat Icon

Posted 3/26/14 1:36 PM
 

starr
little whale on the way

Member since 6/10

1288 total posts

Name:

Re: Need advice re: prying coworker

Posted by Michelle1110

Let her know that you don't feel comfortable talking about it . Either what the above poster said or say you want to grieve in private, etc. Be firm, and then walk away. Maybe not the most mature thing (walking away), but that's what I would do lolol



ye ITA. if anything she is the one kinda "harassing" u. nothing wrong or unprofessional with saying "please do not bring up that subject again as its hurtful and also inappropriate for work. thank u". I am immature too so I would just walk away at that point.

and can I just say how absolutely rude this woman is Chat Icon
unbelievable

Posted 3/26/14 1:39 PM
 

MrsM0829
... With a cherry on top!!!

Member since 11/09

1332 total posts

Name:

Need advice re: prying coworker

Thanks for all your input! I'll try to pull her aside later or tomorrow. People just amaze me sometimes. In what universe is it okay to behave like that?!?!

Posted 3/26/14 2:11 PM
 

AKD
LIF Adult

Member since 1/12

2637 total posts

Name:

Re: Need advice re: prying coworker

Posted by MrsM0829

Thanks for all your input! I'll try to pull her aside later or tomorrow. People just amaze me sometimes. In what universe is it okay to behave like that?!?!



It really isn't okay Chat Icon but people just don't know better.

Let us know how it ends up!

Posted 3/26/14 2:39 PM
 

ANewDayHasCome
Love multiplies, not divides

Member since 11/12

14481 total posts

Name:
Me

Re: Need advice re: prying coworker

Posted by MrsM0829

Thanks for all your input! I'll try to pull her aside later or tomorrow. People just amaze me sometimes. In what universe is it okay to behave like that?!?!



Do it on your terms so you're mentally prepared. Be strong and know it needs to be said.

Unfortunately, so many people say inappropriate things before, during and after pregnancy. They just need to learn to keep their mouths shut.

Posted 3/26/14 2:42 PM
 

TooSoontoTell
LIF Adolescent

Member since 11/11

501 total posts

Name:

Re: Need advice re: prying coworker

I would not give any direct answers to someone like this. to me, they want to know too much and it makes me think they are up to something fishy. i would answer things so vaguely and barely answer for as long as it takes for this person to get the hint that they won't get anything out of you about your business. i find people like that only learn by being ignored.

Posted 3/26/14 5:37 PM
 

MrsM0829
... With a cherry on top!!!

Member since 11/09

1332 total posts

Name:

Re: Need advice re: prying coworker

Posted by TooSoontoTell

I would not give any direct answers to someone like this. to me, they want to know too much and it makes me think they are up to something fishy. i would answer things so vaguely and barely answer for as long as it takes for this person to get the hint that they won't get anything out of you about your business. i find people like that only learn by being ignored.



She asks such direct questions that it's hard to just ignore them. And she's usually got me cornered in my office, so I can't just walk away.

I think she just has no concept of boundaries. On the day we found out that it was definitely a chemical pregnancy, she even asked whether we would consider adoption. When I told her that was not something we are considering at the moment, she actually said "Really . . . you wouldn't help a needy child." I told her I was too upset to discuss the issue with her, but she's just relentless. And aside from having some sadistic need to poke someone's sore spot, I can't figure out why she'd keep going with this.

The thing is, she's tight with the boss. I get along well with him, but apparently she's a friend of the family or something. I just have a feeling if I confront her directly, she'll try to put a bug in his ear that I'm becoming unglued or something.

I'm thinking that maybe my best bet is to just really brace myself and wait until the next time she brings it up and then just pointedly ask her why she feels the need to harp on such an obviously painful subject. Up until now, I've tried to answer her questions as vaguely and briefly as possible, hoping she'd get the hint and move on. But maybe she's mistaking that as some sort of acknowledgement that this is open for discussion.

Posted 3/26/14 5:51 PM
 

MrsGoldie
<3 Miracles can happen <3

Member since 9/12

1700 total posts

Name:
R

Re: Need advice re: prying coworker

I'm sorry :( it makes it harder to heal when someone keeps bringing it up. And btw...I want to shake her for you!

I think I would just pull her aside and say something along the lines of, "listen beotch" no never mind, not really appropriate I guess. How bout, "thank you for your concern, it is very sweet and I appreciate it. But I would appreciate it if we didn't talk about it for a while. I'm doing ok, I'm just trying to heal, and if I want to talk about it I will definitely let you know."

Posted 3/26/14 5:54 PM
 
 

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