Need a little bit of support...

Long story short because I'm short on time - when I was 7.5 months pregnant I took a new job wth shorter hours much closer to home. The downside was my maternity leave went from 6 months to 6 weeks. So here I am, with a 6.5 week old and I started back at work yesterday. It's a great job, I enjoy it and have fabulous coworkers and great supervisors, but I'm a mess. DS is EBF so I'm pumping at work. Trying to figure out the amounts for each bottle to keep him happy during the day is tough. On top of that, the night before I went back and last night have been our WORST nights since bringing him home from the hospital. The routine we had established is totally gone. DS is fussier, won't settle, wants to just cuddle with me and nurse and it makes me feel sooo guilty for leaving during the day (not to mention exhausted). I truly, in my bones, feel that it is way too soon for me to be gone and I need to be with him - but I need and like this job and we can't afford for me to stay home right now.

I'm an emotional mess, and it's making me irrationally angry with DH that we can't afford for me to be a SAHM. I'm about to leave for work, I'm in tears, I feel like a failure and an absolutely awful mom and all I want to do is crawl into bed and hold my baby.

Someone tell me it gets better and easier, please.

Need a little bit of support...

First off, hugs!
It sucks.
But it does get easier , in time. Dd is 14 months and I still struggle.
I feel like she likes grandma better than me bc she sees her more(she watches her)
But, the bottom line is, i am not in position where we can afford for me nt to work or even work pt.
in Long Island, this is the reality.
Those guilty feelings don't go away, but it does get easier in time.
Take it easy on yourself and just do the best u can right now. Try and remember u work to give your dc a better life. :)

Re: Need a little bit of support...

I remember feeling the same way at first.

My son was a bit older when I went back, but I still felt guilty and resentful of DH because I wanted to stay home!!!!

I did feel better, and it did get easier, with time. You adjust and so does your baby. By the way, 6 weeks is usually a tough age, whether you are home or not. They have difficulty settling themselves. Both of my babies were much easier by 12 weeks.

I think it is awesome that you have a job you like, much closer to home, with better hours! This will make working much better for you. I had a long commute, and hated that time away from my son.

Hang in there, it will be better, and you will feel better. You are earning a living and that is also being a good Mom!

Also, you probably still feel very emotional now because you still have lots of post partum hormones in you. That will also change in a few months. It is amazing how much better you can feel once you get more sleep and your hormones level out.

Hang in!!!

Re: Need a little bit of support...

Re: Need a little bit of support...

Ugh I remember feeling the exact same way as you. After I had DD I only planned on working 3 days . I had to go back full time for a month to help get our mortgage. I remember feeling so awful. But.....it did go away. It will be tough at first but I promise it gets better. Hang in there.

Need a little bit of support...

my honest advice....is trying to relax.....roll with the punches. Routine? Whats that. DO they best you can and don't try for a routine....it will all fall into place. 6 weeks is way to young to have one and be able to stick with it...they are changing too much at this age so even when you think you have one it will change and you find a new one...then it changes again.

I can't help with the BF cause DS was formula fed.

As for getting angry with DH for you not being a SAHM....You need to come to terms with that really quick or you will end up doing damage to your relationship. I also find that once you come to terms with the fact you work....leaving will become easier. DH didn't make that decision on his own you both did so don't put it on him.

DS is 2 and while I love going to work there are days I wish I could stay home with him all day.....but then I have a day like today where he was a beast and I may have run out the door going yipeee.....

You will trade the good with the bad. IMO it gets easier one with time and also when we decide to make it easier on ourselves.

Re: Need a little bit of support...

Re: Need a little bit of support...

im so sorry you are going through this - it has to be tough going back when they are so young. i went back when dd was a little older and it was still tough



it will get easier. i know everyone says it and it is hard to imagine that now, but it does. there were days that i wished i could be a sahm and i was annoyed with DH that i couldnt be - but i got over that. now i just appreciate my weekends with her and any days off i can get. i am also happy to be back at work now that she is older (shes only 9 months).
unfortunately at 6.5 weeks it is hard to establish a routine so there will be bad nights and good nights. just make sure you utilize DH, he can help with feedings, changes etc during the night so you can rest...or even when you get home so you can nap. that was my mistake - when i first returned to work i thought i could do it all but i cant. use him for support. there were night that dd got a bottle so i could sleep and i was still able to bf her for months without any problems. dont be scared of doing that if you need to

hang in there
you are NOT a failure or an awful mom please dont feel that way

Re: Need a little bit of support...

Posted by jams92

im so sorry you are going through this - it has to be tough going back when they are so young. i went back when dd was a little older and it was still tough



it will get easier. i know everyone says it and it is hard to imagine that now, but it does. there were days that i wished i could be a sahm and i was annoyed with DH that i couldnt be - but i got over that. now i just appreciate my weekends with her and any days off i can get. i am also happy to be back at work now that she is older (shes only 9 months).
unfortunately at 6.5 weeks it is hard to establish a routine so there will be bad nights and good nights. just make sure you utilize DH, he can help with feedings, changes etc during the night so you can rest...or even when you get home so you can nap. that was my mistake - when i first returned to work i thought i could do it all but i cant. use him for support. there were night that dd got a bottle so i could sleep and i was still able to bf her for months without any problems. dont be scared of doing that if you need to

hang in there
you are NOT a failure or an awful mom please dont feel that way

Re: Need a little bit of support...

It will get better!
You are just started this new normal. Of course you are going to be a mess!
You baby is young, you are just back to work, the whole world is upside down!
I, too, had to go back to work pretty fast. I only took 8 weeks off.
I also had just started a new job and had no time at all. 8 weeks was all I could afford to do unpaid.
It was so hard at first- DD was up every 2 hours at night, DH worked 5 nights a week so I was alone with a crying newborn all night and then had to get up, get her ready for daycare, and myself ready for work, it was SO hard!
But slowly and surely things started getting easier.
I got into a new routine. It all started to flow.
Give yourself a break- it's all so new still.
It will get better. You will find a groove.
Trust me- if I can do it- and I am a HOT mess- anyone can!

Re: Need a little bit of support...

It's hard, no matter when you go back to work. 6 weeks is very early, yes, but I promise it would be hard no matter when you made the transition back to work.

I was laid off when pregnant with DS so I got to stay home with him until he was 6.5 months old. While being home with him was amazing, I was also stressed a lot of the time about finding a good job that I'd enjoy with good pay and with a relatively easy commute who would be flexible if I had an emergency with DS. I had to find someone to watch DS every time I had an interview and just finding time to apply to jobs was tough. I was totally stressed. Then I had to leave DS home with a nanny while I started a brand new job with new people, etc. The routine we had after almost 7 months went out the window and everything changed.

What's my point? You figure it out. You make a new routine and that becomes your new "norm."

You have only been back to work a few days. For me, the first day wasn't so bad, but the 2nd and 3rd days were harder than the first. But by the 3rd week, I was feeling pretty good about it all and getting into a new groove. Do you trust whoever is watching your son? That helps immensely! Call, text, get pics throughout the day. Whatever you need to get you through.

As you adjust, you will treasure your time home with DS more and won't even think twice about leaving him during the week. He'll also have more awake time, so you'll have a few hours with him at night and all weekend long. Also, he'll start sleeping more at night and you won't be totally exhausted anymore. Exhaustion makes everything 100 times harder. Plus, your hormones are probably still all over the place, which is not making the transition easier. THIS IS ALL NORMAL. What you're feeling is totally normal and you just have to patient with yourself.

You'll figure out how much he eats and if you have to supplement, then so be it. You are still a great mom and remember that working allows you to provide a better life for him in the long run. Whatever you need to do to make it work for your family.

Keep coming back here whenever you need support. But trust me, it gets easier!

Re: Need a little bit of support...

DO NOT do this to yourself.

You're not a terrible mother - You're doing what you need to do for your family. That alone, makes you a good mother. The simple fact of being a SAHM does not AUTOMATICALLY make a "good mother" -And like any PERSON, some SAHMs are crappy mothers, like some working mothers are. So don't let that define your idea of being a 'good mother' to your child, staying home w/ them. - That's totally irrelevant and has NOTHING at all to do w/ being a good, loving, nurturing, fun, AMAZING mother.

6 weeks is rough, but you WILL get through it, the baby will get through it and your DH will get through it. - it's only been 2 days? You need to give yourself and the baby some time to adjust and fall into a new routine. You can't excpet that your 6 week routine remain the same, everything has changed now. The baby will readjust and be FINE. Babies are considerably more adaptable than adults !!

And I can understand your feelings of resentment, but my advice is to do your very best to keep those at bay - remind yourself in your HEAD (regardless of what your heart is telling you) that this isn't your DH's fault. b/c those fights will only make things horribly worse for all of you.

You'll be great. It's rough, but you get into a routine and you do it and it just becomes your normal every day life.

Re: Need a little bit of support...

Posted by MandJZ

Posted by jams92

im so sorry you are going through this - it has to be tough going back when they are so young. i went back when dd was a little older and it was still tough



it will get easier. i know everyone says it and it is hard to imagine that now, but it does. there were days that i wished i could be a sahm and i was annoyed with DH that i couldnt be - but i got over that. now i just appreciate my weekends with her and any days off i can get. i am also happy to be back at work now that she is older (shes only 9 months).
unfortunately at 6.5 weeks it is hard to establish a routine so there will be bad nights and good nights. just make sure you utilize DH, he can help with feedings, changes etc during the night so you can rest...or even when you get home so you can nap. that was my mistake - when i first returned to work i thought i could do it all but i cant. use him for support. there were night that dd got a bottle so i could sleep and i was still able to bf her for months without any problems. dont be scared of doing that if you need to

hang in there
you are NOT a failure or an awful mom please dont feel that way

That is actually the part of the 'routine' DS wouldn't do last night. He usually takes one pumped bottle a night from DH so I can sleep. He refused to settle last night for DH so even after his bottle I had to get up to comfort nurse him and settle him. Three times during the night he got up (not to eat each time, just fussing) and would not settle for DH at all - he just wanted me. So that adds to my guilt, you know?

Need a little bit of support...

Everyone gave such great advice. It does get better.. right it may look like that it may never happen but it will. Its not easy.. especially since you are EBF but it will get easier. Hugs to you.. we've all been there.

Re: Need a little bit of support...

I went back to work at 7 weeks pp, and luckily worked from home, but I was such a mess. I felt like I wasn't doing anything well. I think it is a hormonal period for all of us. You will even out and get into your groove. Good luck!

Re: Need a little bit of support...

I saw you mentioned this earlier on fb.

Like someone else said, you're not a bad mother and are doing what you have to do for your family.

I went back to work while LO was still in the hospital and I felt like a horrible mother doing so. Luckily, DH and I were able to alternate days at the hospital but I still felt bad leaving. I thought, "I'm his mother and I should be here 24hrs a day." My boss gave me the option of staying home to be with him longer but with no pay. That's something DH and I couldn't do.

As for a routine, just because a night or two is bad doesn't mean he's regressing. The night before last LO was up 3 different times overnight. Last night he slept from 11:30-7. Each night/day is different and I just try to appreciate the better one's. I do exactly what you do, I go to bed and DH gives him a pumped bottle and puts him to bed so I can sleep.

Message edited 12/5/2013 10:25:04 AM.

Re: Need a little bit of support...

First give yourself a break. Relax. THe more tense and upset you are, the more unsettled your DS will be. We all do the best we can with newborns.

And the advice I always give to my new mom friends, never say "we have a good routine down" once you do, those kids laugh and throw a wrench into things. I was a FTWM after DS1 was born, and a FT-SAHM when DS2 was born. both my kids between 4-6 weeks decided they didnt want to sleep, DS2 developed acid reflux, etc. My point in telling you this, is so you dont feel guilty, we all go through it regardless of our working situation.

Everything with these kids is trial and error. you will get the hang of balancing working, BF, etc. Dont feel resentful of your DH, this is the life you built together, you are working to better your DS's future, you work because you made choices on the type of life you want him to have.

Give yourself some time. With DS1 when I went back FT, it took a good month, before I went to work without spit up on me! and another 2 weeks until I felt good about the "routine" we had going.

GL!

Need a little bit of support...

Hugs to you. It is soooooooooooooooo hard to go back to work. IMO, totally not natural (I am a FTWM also), and it hurts.

But it will get better. I promise. And your baby will be fine. The horrible nights are mist likely due to an adjustment in his schedule. He will adjust and get better.

One thing that helped me... I would go during lunch and nurse him. You said you are close to home- is that a possibility for you?

HUGS HUGS HUGS!!!

Re: Need a little bit of support...

I went back at 6 weeks with ds and it was so difficult. I was in tears at work all the time. It does get better though! In a few months (yes, it takes a while) you will be happy you made it through. Work will be a welcomed break once you get more comfortable. Hang in there!

Need a little bit of support...

I think all of us can relate and as many have said don't do this to yourself. My DS is going to be a year and I am still sometimes trying to "figure it out" but has it gotten better ABSOLUTELY! Allow your self to cry here and there its normal.

I might be the only one to mention this but maybe you need to talk through your emotions/feelings with someone other than your DH or family - ( therapist). I had PPD and it was such a rush of emotions and therapy really helped me and still is!

Re: Need a little bit of support...

Need a little bit of support...

You are not a bad mom...it is SO SO SO hard to leave our babies. I went back after 12 weeks and it literally broke my heart every day. Even now, 2 years later, some days I cry on my way to work. But as others have said, it does get easier. My DD loves her childcare situation so rarely is she upset when I leave.

Even when at work, you're still taking care of him. Making money to give him food, clothing, a home, a future. This is where you need to be right now even if your heart tells you otherwise.

He does miss you though and may nurse more frequently at night since that's when he sees you. It may be a tough few weeks until that's all figured out, but you are doing an amazing job!!!!!

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Need a little bit of support...

Also something that might help....pictures. My daycare posts pictures all the time. I love seeing them. Also, I get a daily report sheet that tells me everything. Feedings, diapers etc. It helps so much.

I think you have family watching your DC but maybe they can do this for you.