Looking for some insight/thoughts...

I've been an Oncology RN now for almost a year. I am struggling with deciding whether or not to continue in this field. I absolutely love my coworkers and my patients. It's amazing how close you get to your patients and their families, especially when some are there for months at a time. I'm on an inpatient facility so I give a lot of blood transfusions, antibiotics, take care of patients post op etc. I also take care of a lot of comfort care patients. Those who have decided or who have families that have decided for their loved ones to die peacefully in the hospital. I've probably now helped at least 25 patients die a peaceful death surrounded by their loved ones, or in cases, been the sole RN by their bedside when no one else is there (for various reasons). I was handling things well until recently when I had a 34 year old patient pass away. He fought the hardest battle ever and died with such grace that it still brings me to tears (this was 2 months ago). He had three little ones at home and it was heartbreaking.

I think the job is starting to take its toll. I think about my patients constantly, research their cancer, advocate for them the best I can etc. I never saw myself on Oncology but I feel it's a calling. I just wonder if I need to experience a different field of nursing. My director told me that I was made for this career and wants me to pursue sitting on an Ethics board in the future (something I'm passionate about) but I just don't know. I think my anxiety is creeping up and the heartache at times is just unreal. People say I'll become numb to it but I don't see that happening, nor do I want that to happen.

Any kind words or advice is so appreciated, especially those in the medical field.

Thx so much!!

Looking for some insight/thoughts...

I am so so sorry that you need to see such sorrow on a regular basis. Does it help to know how much you mean to these people and how much you are helping?
My next-door-neighbor was a regular nurse, then did thoracic surgery, then CCU/ICU, and ended up as a dialysis nurse. She said it's depressing being in and around the same type of care for such a long time. She's always stayed in the same hospital/system, just "refreshes" every few years.
My other good friend was a CCU and Nurse practitioner in the City. When she moved out here to have a family, she went into some type of administration, and now she is a peer review type nurse throughout Suffolk. Maybe you could look into doing something like this.

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

Cancer is a very, very touchy subject for me. I think it's one of the most cruel diseases to ever exist. My DH lost his father 2 weeks before our wedding of lung cancer and I lost my mom almost 13 yrs ago (although at times it feels like it was just yesterday) of Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. Both of our parents passed away in the hospital surrounded by their loved ones. Let me tell u that one of the very few consoling things I remember from that day was the comforting presence, kind words, and humble support we received from the nurses during those horrifying hours. There are nurses and there are NURSES, u seem to be at the right place, especially if u've always felt that way, with a lot of good feelings to share with those that need it the most. But I know that death leaves a hole in ur soul because it seems so unfair. One of the things that helped me alleviate the pain during those days was what my bf at that time told me, maybe this can help u too when u're witnessing the losing of a precious life, he said "don't think the passing of ur mom as u're losing her but rather as u're gaining a beautiful guardian angel that will be with u for the rest of ur life". U have no idea how comforting it is remembering those words when the scar of losing my mom opens up again. I hope it does the same to u too.

It's interesting that u mentioned the passing of ur 34 yr old patient because the brother of that ex-bf, also passed away recently and he also left behind a wife and 3 little ones, they're girls and I think the oldest one is not older than 5 . I know the family very well and I know exactly the pain they must felt and still feeling

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

You are an angel and have a gift! It sounds like "compassion fatigue".

What does your employer offer to support you? EAP? Nurse career coaching?

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

I have no insight but i just wanted to thank you for the job that you do. From reading your post I had tears in my eyes, thank you for gracing people with your company at their end, you sound amazing.

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

Does your job offer any type of counseling for issues like this?

As you probably know, I went through treatment for cancer in 2013-2014...my oncology nurses were absolute heroes to me. I cried when I "graduated" from chemo because I felt so safe under their watch. My doctor switched from NYU to MSKCC and I followed her there...I didn't know that one of my nurses switched over too and last summer when I went in for an appointment, that nurse walked into the exam room and we cried tears of absolute joy.

I write this because I want you to know that if you feel as though oncology is your calling, then your patients feel that from your presence. Is there a nurse who has been in the oncology unit for a few years that can mentor you through these things?

I am also deeply sorry to hear about your patients who have passed away. I'm active in the young adult cancer community and over the past few years, some of my friends have died from the disease...it's so awful. If you would like some info from me about different groups that help with the young adult community for patients that fit into the 18-39 year old range, send me a PM. That's yet another thing you can do to help your patients

What you're doing is amazing, but in the end of you choose to explore other areas of nursing, I am sure those patients will be very blessed to have you serve their needs.

Message edited 5/3/2017 8:09:53 AM.

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

I'm sorry, I don't have any insights for you. But I want to thank you for the kindness and compassion that you have shown your patients and their families.

I have an uncle with terminal cancer. He is fighting with all he has, but I know the day will come when he can no longer fight. I can only hope that he has someone like you beside him during his final days.

Looking for some insight/thoughts...

I think what you do is incredible. I can't even imagine having to do your job. I would take that pain home with me every day. But with that said, let me tell you what it's like from the other side. I lost my mom to cancer 10 years ago. Her final days were in comfort care at a Long Island hospital. I still remember a few moments with a few of those very special nurses. What you are doing really is life changing and providing comfort to people who cannot be comforted.

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

I want to thank you on behalf of anyone who has come across your path. You do an amazing and difficult job. I would talk about your feelings to someone, even here. Everyone needs a safe and secure, judgement free place to vent. You have an extremely emotionally taxing job. It is normal to take some of it with you and to be affected by it. Does your employer offer resources for you? Hugs.

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

One of my family members is a Palliative care nurse. I asked her how she is able to handle working with patients she knows are going to die and she said to me…I get to provide those nearing the end of their lives with as much comfort and dignity I can provide. That makes it worth it.

I would think that you have the same feelings...you can do your very best to make the disease and treatment for such, the most comfortable and full of as much grace as possible. That takes a special person. Not sure if moving to another area will be as fulfilling for you or alleviate the amount you care.

Looking for some insight/thoughts...

I work with high risk pts too, some end of life. It would be of benefit to you if you looked for someone to talk to. The role you work in brings up all types of feeling, all are normal to a degree, but should be addressed. FM me if you need

Message edited 5/3/2017 11:19:50 AM.

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

Years ago I worked in a PICU and I began having panic attacks after awhile. I just thought I was going crazy but it was work induced stress, I was just too young and naive to realize that until I saw a professional.

If you feel this is a calling, and it honestly sounds like it is, then I would urge you to seek out a therapist as someone you could vent to. It was so helpful to me. You sound like a real asset to that field which is a field only very special people can work in. I would say try that first before throwing the towel in. Also, speak with some of your senior colleagues and find out what type of coping mechanisms they use.

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

Thank you so much for what you do. I wanted to give my experience with my father passing in hospice last July. We had one nurse who was absolutely amazing, I still think about her often and my brother wrote a letter on our families behalf to show our appreciation during our time of need. I also had a terrible nurse, on the day my dad had passed, I still think of her too and I hope she has quit by now because she was a horrible human being and was in the wrong field. I can't imagine the toll this takes on you, but I can tell you, you are making huge differences in people's lives. The difference it makes on a family between someone who cares and someone who doesn't is something I can't even put into words. If you don't mind I'd like to keep you in prayer so that you find guidance with this and strength as you continue on your journey, because what you do truly matters and your making a difference and even if you do switch out, those families you have already helped, they will always remember you.

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

I'm not in the medical profession, but I was a cancer patient. Having great nurses really did make a difference. Maybe you can explore related career opportunities, still in oncology, but maybe not with inpatients?

I'm not sure how it all works, as far as experience and getting into different positions, but I saw a surgical oncologist & a radiation oncologist, and they both had a dedicated nurse, who really helped out with information before procedures & after care, etc. I'm sure there is someone you can speak to about different career paths.

I have a friend who has been a nurse for years, (she is in her mid 40s and has always done this) and she has worked in different fields over the years. She was working with psych patients for a long time, and now works with a visiting nurse service--I think for some people that help prevent burnout.

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

I just read each and every one of your words and cried, it was so touching to have the support. I am going to talk to someone ASAP. I find a lot of comfort in talking with my coworkers and my family, but I think maybe the next step is a professional. I definitely am having anxiety creeping in and occasional nightmares which I've never really experienced to this degree.

I really really appreciate the kind words more than you all know. Cancer is an ugly disease but I've also seen good come from it. I've seen people get through cancer and come out so much stronger. People who have made career changes and become advocates for others because of their own personal suffering. I hope a cure is found. I pray for it.

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

Posted by soontobemommyof2

Cancer is a very, very touchy subject for me. I think it's one of the most cruel diseases to ever exist. My DH lost his father 2 weeks before our wedding of lung cancer and I lost my mom almost 13 yrs ago (although at times it feels like it was just yesterday) of Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. Both of our parents passed away in the hospital surrounded by their loved ones. Let me tell u that one of the very few consoling things I remember from that day was the comforting presence, kind words, and humble support we received from the nurses during those horrifying hours. There are nurses and there are NURSES, u seem to be at the right place, especially if u've always felt that way, with a lot of good feelings to share with those that need it the most. But I know that death leaves a hole in ur soul because it seems so unfair. One of the things that helped me alleviate the pain during those days was what my bf at that time told me, maybe this can help u too when u're witnessing the losing of a precious life, he said "don't think the passing of ur mom as u're losing her but rather as u're gaining a beautiful guardian angel that will be with u for the rest of ur life". U have no idea how comforting it is remembering those words when the scar of losing my mom opens up again. I hope it does the same to u too.

It's interesting that u mentioned the passing of ur 34 yr old patient because the brother of that ex-bf, also passed away recently and he also left behind a wife and 3 little ones, they're girls and I think the oldest one is not older than 5 . I know the family very well and I know exactly the pain they must felt and still feeling

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

It takes a very special and amazing type of person to do what you do. You are truly incredible.

Looking for some insight/thoughts...

I work in oncology research. I don't have much direct patient care- I'm more behind the scenes, but meeting the patients is both my most and least favorite part of the job. I've been very fortunate that I've never lost a patient on a research study and only a handful in follow up, years later. I've seen women with metastatic breast cancer live 30 years. For all the bad you see, I know you see a lot of good. You must, because if you didn't you would have quit after a week.

I have worked with dozens of oncologists and oncology nurses. Only the very best ones could write the post you did. I used to watch the faces of the oncologists during our weekly meetings when bad news was delivered to the group. It was the best doctors who teared up, who shook their heads. They saved more lives than they could count, but really felt it when one just couldn't be saved- just like it sounds you do.

That being said, have you ever thought of becoming an oncology research nurse? They help patients through clinical trials. It's a lot of paperwork (though I suppose all nursing is!) but it's generally in the outpatient setting and the patients are in relatively good shape. It's also incredibly rewarding to see patients improve when they thought they had no other options.

You are truly a remarkable person and nurse and your patients and colleagues are so incredibly lucky to have you.

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

That's such a hard decision. It sounds like you're very dedicated and compassionate which is what patients and their families need. If you feel like it's your calling then that would be hard to ignore. I agree with what other posters have said about therapy. You can't just carry all of that emotion on your shoulders. If you get too burned out maybe you can work in oncology but in administration? Still helping patients but on another level and then you'll have all the experience to contribute.

I worked in palliative care as an RN for a year and I'd be lying if I said it didn't change who I am. It was very depressing at times and I couldn't imagine doing it for years and years. I completely understand how nurses get burnt out. I have been at home with my kids for a few years but I'm planning on going back to work in a few months. I definitely want a change but wouldn't be against working in palliative care in the future.

Message edited 5/3/2017 9:15:32 PM.

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

Honestly, I think it would help if you found a therapist. I think it would help you to vent and talk it out (and cry). Sort of like heal the healer. It reminds me of when of when my massage therapist told me she had a massage appt after work. I don't know why but I was surprised. And she was like sure I need someone to work out all of my knots after I work out other people's knots all day long.

You are an amazing person for doing what you do. But you need to take care of yourself too-body and mind. If the caretaker falls apart, who takes care of them? Be good to yourself.

Looking for some insight/thoughts...

We need more RN's like you! please please reach out to your preceptor or your Employee assistance program.

Re: Looking for some insight/thoughts...

I have no advice but I just wanted to say thank you so much. My grandmother who was diagnosed with breast cancer 13 years ago (and now, just again), still talks about the nurses and doctors that helped her, and she doesn't even speak English! It was the nurse's emotions and care that she connected with. My grandfather was in the hospital for a short time and it is SO apparent to see the type of nurse who would've written this post and one who wouldn't. I hope you get the help you need and deserve because the world definitely needs people just like you in that position! xo

Looking for some insight/thoughts...

Thank you for all you do! My sister is a Psychologist at a hospital and deals with many cancer patients. I know these patients and children in accidents hit her hard but she loves what she does and she knows she is helping people work through the worst times in their lives. It sounds like you are meant to do what you do. Check with your manager about any programs they have that can help you work through this.