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Looking for honest answers (LONG) *UPDATED*
So, as many of you know, my ex husband lives in California. My son, although he is VERY close with my DH, misses his Dad very much. Whenever my son comes back from a trip to CA, or my ex leaves NY after spending time with my son, my son is always a mess for the next couple of days. It's sad, and it kills me.
So, this weekend my ex was here, Scotty was with him from Thurs-Sun, and today was just a nightmare. I'm at the point of not knowing what to say anymore to make him feel better. I've tried it all, and I've had MANY conversations (and arguements) with my ex about it. Scotty called his dad today and left him a voicemail, hysterically crying, saying that he NEEDED him to move back to NY. So, my ex calls tonight, Scotty is talking to him, and Cassidy is in another room turning on the speakerphone. I didn't hear all of the conversation, only as long as it took me to get in there and turn the phone off, but I Heard my ex sayong things like "this conversation stays between me and you....I am not the only guilty party here....I Know your mother makes me sound like a bad guy".
Now, I NEVER badmouth this a$$ to my son. I am so upset after hearing what I Heard. None of this "blame" is going to help my son feel any better about his dad moving to the other side of the country. And the only thing I can take out of the "I'm not the only guilty party" thing is that he told me about 6 months ago that he'd move back to NY if I didn't make him pay child support any more (apparently the 600/month is going to make or break him) At this point I'm thinking of telling him fine!
Anyway, I Just don't know how to handle this. Should I confront him, or just let it slide and concentrate on being the best Mom I can be to my son?
UPDATE-
Well, I couldn't not say something, it was bothering me so much. So, I sent him an email last night saying what I had heard, and how I was very disappointed and felt that I deserved the same respect that I gave to him...not to put our son in the middle, yadda, yadda, yadda....and he actually APOLOGIZED! I almost 
Anyway, I'm glad I said something. I don't know that it'll actually change anything, but hopefully he'll think twice before saying things to my son that he shouldn't.
Thank you all soo much for your responses. I really appreciate it
Message edited 4/24/2007 10:49:34 PM.
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Posted 4/23/07 9:09 PM  |
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BaroqueMama
Chase is one!
Member since 5/05 27530 total posts
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me
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Ok Stacy, now that I read what you wrote, let me say this....You are one of the best moms I have ever met. I hear you talk about your ex with Scotty when I'm around, and you are EXTREMELY diplomatic, even when I can tell it's hard for you. Scotty knows you love him, and no matter what your ex says on the phone, he's not Scotty's daily influence. You and Jim are. It must be really hard trying to handle the situation in the best way possible.
I personally think you should absolutely say something to your ex. What kind of azzhole says he'll move back if he doesn't have to pay child support? I wouldn't tell him that you overheard the conversation, I would just tell him that Scotty was very upset, and you'd appreciate if he watches what he says to him.
Message edited 4/23/2007 9:26:25 PM.
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| Posted 4/23/07 9:14 PM |
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MissJones
I need a nap!
Member since 5/05 22132 total posts
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Does your son know why his dad isn't around?
In regards to not bad mouthing your ex...my mom didn't either and I'm thankful for that. However, it was something I noticed as I got older. I can't say that will happen for every child of divorce, but keep that quality. Hopefully, with maturity, and if your ex continues, your son will see a lot more on his own.
Good luck!
Message edited 4/23/2007 9:28:29 PM.
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| Posted 4/23/07 9:18 PM |
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MsSissy
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Member since 3/07 39159 total posts
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
I'm not sure how old your son is, but can you ask him about their visits and why he gets so upset when it's time to come back home?
Maybe than can help you talk to your ex.
As for him moving back to NY and NOT paying child support. I would advise not to agree to that. That has nothing to do with this problem.
Good Luck
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| Posted 4/23/07 9:23 PM |
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CathyB
Member since 5/05 19403 total posts
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Wow, that's a tough one. On the one hand, I agree you shouldn't bad mouth him to your son. But your son may be thinking now that you are keeping him from his dad, which will make him angry on top of being upset.
I'd probably try to explain to your son that his dad is probably sad that he lives so far away, it's not always easy for grown ups to find jobs where they want to live, it's expensive to move, etc. to try to manage expectations.
I'd call the ex and tell him that he probably didn't realize the phone was on speaker and you couldn't help but overhear and that you don't think it helps to say things like that, you want to be friendly for the kids sake and that you don't say negative things about him since it doesn't do anyone any good.
If you can afford it, I'd say that until he gets his feet on the ground here he can stop paying the $600/mo, but after x amount of time (1 year?) it goes into a savings account for Scotty's college fund.
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| Posted 4/23/07 9:24 PM |
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Posted by Mssissy
I'm not sure how old your son is, but can you ask him about their visits and why he gets so upset when it's time to come back home?
Maybe than can help you talk to your ex.
As for him moving back to NY and NOT paying child support. I would advise not to agree to that. That has nothing to do with this problem.
Good Luck
My son is 9. I hear all the details about their visits together. He's so upset because there are usually 3-4 months between visits and he misses his Dad! He moved to CA about 4 years ago, so my son knows what it's like with him and without him in NY
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| Posted 4/23/07 9:25 PM |
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Posted by CathyB
I'd probably try to explain to your son that his dad is probably sad that he lives so far away, it's not always easy for grown ups to find jobs where they want to live, it's expensive to move, etc. to try to manage expectations.
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I have done this...I swear I've done it ALL within the past few years...but my son gets older, and the questions keep coming.
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| Posted 4/23/07 9:27 PM |
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TheInfamousOTG
Waiting for Lil' M....
Member since 5/05 3468 total posts
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
FM
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| Posted 4/23/07 9:28 PM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
How about therapy? It might be good for Scotty to get a 3rd party perspective and put his feelings out on the table w/ someone he knows isnt gonna tell mom/dad....
Other than that- just keep doing what youve been doing- You are an excellent mother and love your son with all your heart- Your EX chose to move away from his son... He chose to give up his time with him... So IMO he is def. not up for the Father of the Year award in time Scotty will see that too! (no need for you to help him see it)
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| Posted 4/23/07 9:30 PM |
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MsSissy
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Member since 3/07 39159 total posts
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Posted by Scotty-CassidysMom
Posted by CathyB
I'd probably try to explain to your son that his dad is probably sad that he lives so far away, it's not always easy for grown ups to find jobs where they want to live, it's expensive to move, etc. to try to manage expectations.
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I have done this...I swear I've done it ALL within the past few years...but my son gets older, and the questions keep coming.
Have the 3 (you, your ex and your son) of you sat down and talked about this?
Maybe this is the only way to get to the bottom of what is hurting your son so bad.
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| Posted 4/23/07 9:31 PM |
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Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A
Member since 7/05 32475 total posts
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Susan
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Do not accept the offer to stop collecting child support. That's crap. He's using his son as a bargaining chip.
Either he wants to move here for his son or he doesn't. If $600/mo makes or breaks his decision then he clearly cannot afford to move anywhere.
He needs to explain to your son why he lives so far away. Maybe your son needs to ask him. If the excuse is your mom is taking too much money from me then he is cruel to his son. I don't think he can handle having a child so close that he would have to see him all the time. It's a cop out.
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| Posted 4/23/07 9:31 PM |
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Posted by MissJones
Does your son know why his dad isn't around?
Good luck!
In "around" do you mean why we aren't together or why he's in another state?
Noe, he does not know that his fater cheated on me while I was pregnant with him, nor do I hope he ever finds out.
He DOES know that he was going to CA for 3-6 months for work, and has now been there for 4 years
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| Posted 4/23/07 9:34 PM |
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Moehick
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Member since 5/05 30339 total posts
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Posted by Blu-ize
Do not accept the offer to stop collecting child support. That's crap. He's using his son as a bargaining chip.
Either he wants to move here for his son or he doesn't. If $600/mo makes or breaks his decision then he clearly cannot afford to move anywhere.
He needs to explain to your son why he lives so far away. Maybe your son needs to ask him. If the excuse is your mom is taking too much money from me then he is cruel to his son. I don't think he can handle having a child so close that he would have to see him all the time. It's a cop out.
Couldn't agree with this more
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| Posted 4/23/07 9:36 PM |
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Posted by Blu-ize
He needs to explain to your son why he lives so far away. Maybe your son needs to ask him. If the excuse is your mom is taking too much money from me then he is cruel to his son. I don't think he can handle having a child so close that he would have to see him all the time. It's a cop out.
His "explaination" to my son is that he can't transfer his job (he works for UPS) and wouldn't be able to afford to live without a job. (Call me crazy, but I'd work 10 jobs if it meant being with my child) The sick thing is...he lives in friggen CALIFORNIA. It's more expnsive there than it is HERE!!!!
And as for him not being able to handle having a child so close...the woman that he cheated on me with, who he is now married to...they have a 2 year old daughter.
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| Posted 4/23/07 9:37 PM |
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BaroqueMama
Chase is one!
Member since 5/05 27530 total posts
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me
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Posted by Scotty-CassidysMom
Posted by MissJones
Does your son know why his dad isn't around?
Good luck!
In "around" do you mean why we aren't together or why he's in another state?
Noe, he does not know that his fater cheated on me while I was pregnant with him, nor do I hope he ever finds out.
He DOES know that he was going to CA for 3-6 months for work, and has now been there for 4 years
See, this probably kills Scotty! Has he ever explained to Scotty himself why he never came back? You're a saint, Stacy, you really, really are. I would have killed this man a long time ago.
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| Posted 4/23/07 9:37 PM |
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TheInfamousOTG
Waiting for Lil' M....
Member since 5/05 3468 total posts
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
I don't think Stacy should say anything about what the father did. Scotty might take it the wrong way, and it might push him more to his dad.
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| Posted 4/23/07 9:44 PM |
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nferrandi
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Member since 10/05 18538 total posts
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Nicole
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
I would tell him exactly what happened with the speakerphone and explain that you weren't trying to eavesdrop, but you heard what he said and you don't appreciate it. Let him know that you make every effort not to talk badly about him (even though he totally deserves it) and you would appreciate if he show you the same respect.
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| Posted 4/23/07 9:47 PM |
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IrishTracy
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Tracy
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
I would confront the ex. Tell him that you never say bad things to Scotty. How about reminding him that Scotty is a child not a friend! That you wouldn't talk "adult conversations" with him.
It amazes me how they do the bargaining. (my cousins ex used the same thing)
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| Posted 4/24/07 8:14 AM |
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maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
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Maureen
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Wish I had advice to give..just wanted to say I understand what you're going through...
My dad left my mom and 6 kids...he moved to LONDON for 2 years pretty much for selfish reasons and I would watch my sisters (13 and 11 at the time) cry and be so sad b/c he wasn't around.
I don't understand why your ex is in CA. Like you said..he should work 10 jobs if it meant being close. I think that's awful, and one day your son will understand who was always there for him...but its hard in the meantime. I hope some sense is knocked into your ex . This is always such a sad situation for children... 
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| Posted 4/24/07 8:46 AM |
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munchkinbugs
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Member since 1/06 8093 total posts
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Lisa
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
I would confront your ex. It is so wrong of him to play that game. He needs to take responsibility for his own decisions and own up to them with your son.
I'm sorry you are going thru this.
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| Posted 4/24/07 8:51 AM |
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dooodles
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Member since 5/05 11997 total posts
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
I am so sorry you are still dealing with your ex in this manner. While I have never walked in your shoes, I can only offer some words based on what I have observed others go through. Let you ex know what you overheard. I doubt that will even stop him from saying negative things, it does let him know you are completely aware of what he is doing. And please do not agree to him not paying child support!!! That is going to be one of the things you end up kicking yourself about down the road when the "next thing" comes up.... he needs to be responsible. He lives in CA by CHOICE and one day your son will understand that. Like you, my sister never, ever said anything negative about her ex in front of their daughter. However my ex BIL was not as nice and always spoke bad about my sister (Mommy won't let me do this for you and such....) For years it burned me how that child idolized her Dad and would sing his praises when her Mom and stepfather were the ones always doing everything for her. Now that she is 13 - she fully understands what her father is and does not ask to see or speak to him as much. I think she is mentally more mature than her father these days and it has made a huge difference in her.
I hope your son realizes soon
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| Posted 4/24/07 9:10 AM |
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Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A
Member since 7/05 32475 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Posted by Scotty-CassidysMom
Posted by Blu-ize
He needs to explain to your son why he lives so far away. Maybe your son needs to ask him. If the excuse is your mom is taking too much money from me then he is cruel to his son. I don't think he can handle having a child so close that he would have to see him all the time. It's a cop out.
His "explaination" to my son is that he can't transfer his job (he works for UPS) and wouldn't be able to afford to live without a job. (Call me crazy, but I'd work 10 jobs if it meant being with my child) The sick thing is...he lives in friggen CALIFORNIA. It's more expnsive there than it is HERE!!!!
And as for him not being able to handle having a child so close...the woman that he cheated on me with, who he is now married to...they have a 2 year old daughter.
Like I said..his explanation is crap. And I feel for you guys. I would work 10 jobs to be with my son. My brotehr stayed in an apartment that he could not afford so that he wouldn't have to put his sons in another school district. He worked two jobs 7 days a week for them. He's not the perfect father and I would probably have done it a little differently, but he lives for his kids.
I would think that a job with UPS would be one of the most transferrable of all. A giant shipping company with a presence everywhere? Come on, that's crap too. His girlfriend/wife is the one that doesn't want to move. that's what's going on here. He probably is saying to her that we can move back and it will be cheaper if I don't pay child support.
It all stinks. I'm so sorry. But I would not give in.
You may need to have a very serious conversation with your ex about all these issues. He is not being fair to his son.
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| Posted 4/24/07 9:17 AM |
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azoodie
Member since 8/05 8377 total posts
Name:
Team SEXY BACK
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Wow what a tough situation
I don't have any advice to add besides what the others have said, but I do agree that you should not talk to your son about these issues. When he gets a bit older, and understands the situation, he will appreciate you and everything you have done for him
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| Posted 4/24/07 9:23 AM |
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Tracey
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Member since 5/05 6297 total posts
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Tracey - brideinapril
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Posted by Blu-ize
Do not accept the offer to stop collecting child support. That's crap. He's using his son as a bargaining chip.
Either he wants to move here for his son or he doesn't. If $600/mo makes or breaks his decision then he clearly cannot afford to move anywhere.
I wholeheartedly agree. Do not accept the offer to stop child support. Scotty is entitled to it and any court will tell you that. Its not fair that he's using his son like that. This isn't a game and these men need to realize that.
My sons dad has on many occasion offered to give up his rights so he doesn't have to pay anymore. Thats pretty crappy too. My son is 9 years old also, and I think the older they get they get a better idea of what kind of person their fathers are. They are a little young right now to fully understand but in time they will. All you can do right now is continue to do EXACTLY what you are doing. Comfort him, talk to him, let him talk to you.
I would tell your ex that since Scotty has been getting so upset after every visit that you are now monitoring his phone calls, maybe that will deter him from saying negative things.
Message edited 4/24/2007 9:45:17 AM.
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| Posted 4/24/07 9:43 AM |
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DancinBarefoot
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
If he is saying stuff like this on the phone what would he say if he saw your son more often???? Don't give in to the child support blackmail, and consider counseling for your son.
And good luck dealing with the ex.
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| Posted 4/24/07 9:44 AM |
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