I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

that feeling sorry for myself never gets me anywhere

I managed to get through the past year without allowing myself to feel too sad and always felt like somehow.. I'll be a success story too.

These last few days have felt like years. I feel like I'm in this black hole ... this abyss of he!! that I entered the day I found out my babies died.... and I just don't have the energy anymore. I feel so defeated.

I can't help but finally feel just so darn sorry for myself because I'm supposed to have a 4 months old, but I don't.. or suppose to be pregnant with triplets, but I'm not. This road is sickening, and the idea of being as nervous as I know I'll be hopefully 9 months with my next pregnancy, just seems impossible. I don't think people were equipped to handle this type of sadness and grief.... or maybe I'm just really naive.

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

Pennycat,
I'm so sorry you are feeling down. I understand all too well. There are no words. I have hope FOR YOU when you are too beaten up to have it for yourself. I have been there.

Message edited 5/17/2011 7:47:25 PM.

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

It's okay to feel sorry for yourself! It's horrible and unfair that you don't have the babies you thought you were going to have. I'm sure the abyss of he!! you are in doesn't even describe how horrible you are feeling. That being said, please don't give up because your baby IS coming. My mother had 7 losses including a baby that died hours after being delivered at 6 months and was still blessed with 5 beautifully healthy DC. I am amazed that she was able to keep going, but if she didn't I wouldn't be here!

Message edited 5/17/2011 7:48:15 PM.

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

Pennycat, I think it is totally normal and that feeling sorry for ourselves is totally normal during this process. We have all been threw so much, especially you. Your road hasn't been easy but I know you will be posting your suckles story soon!! I can totally understand the feeling nervous for nine months. My Therapist says that its a traumatic experience and it wouldn't matter if we are at war suffering from PTSD or dealing with the loss of a pregnancy, we will still think of our traumatic experience and continue to think it will happen again. Between Therapy, acupuncture and Yoga I still feel nervous and I am constantly worried.

I really know you are going to have that healthy baby/babies and this will all seem like a tough road that made you and DH so much stronger!! sending my love!!

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

Jack- You WILL get there. YOU WILL YOU WILL YOU WILL.

Never give up hope.

You have been thru MORE than anyone should ever ever have to deal with and my heart breaks for you....give yourself time to grieve and heal.

THEN you need to dust yourself off and keep fighting the fight. You are too strong to give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

Jackie, you're allowed to feel sorry for yourself. You have been through more than anyone should have to deal with. It's natural to think about where you would be if your pregnancies had worked out. I know I do it all the time. It's depressing, but I think the important thing is not to wallow for too long. Give yourself a day or two, and then build up the strength to move forward.

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

I am so sorry for everything you have gone thru and nobody should ever have to deal with all of that.

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

You are right to feel this way. It is ok! Let yourself feel this way!

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

I think sometimes we need to feel sorry for ourselves, feel what you need to feel, it's the process of getting back to where you need to be to achieve your dreams!

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

i am sorry you are feeling this way i just hope it passes fast and you will be on your road to having a baby real soon

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

You have every right to feel sorry for yourself. It's a perfectly normal reaction to your situation. I know someday you will be a success story and an inspiration to other women in your situation who are going through he!!

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

it's SO ok to feel sorry for yourself and personally i think it's healthy to let yourself feel those feelings b/c they are real and what's true for you right now. since the due date of my first loss i've been seeing a therapist and i can't tell you how many times i've gone in there and cried about how unfair this whole process is and how bad i feel for myself. they are your feelings and you have a right to feel them the one thing i have discovered in the last 2 years is that days when you feel defeated are somehow followed by days that bring hope! don't give up hope! it will happen for you!

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

i am so sorry for what you have gone through

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

I know this must be so hard. Just know that's it's ok to have all these feelings. This roller coaster of infertility is just horrible. I don't know you very well but from what I have seen you are a strong and amazing woman and i know you are going to be an amazing mother, although in my eyes you are already hold that title. So I said all that to say, it's ok to be sad, angry, depressed but don't allow this to destroy you. I will continue to pray for your strength. Fm me anytime.

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

Thank you ladies You always know the right things to say.

I think I just have to focus on living in the moment than looking at the overwhelming road ahead. That's when I feel the worst.. when I think of starting the pill again.. doing stims ... going for the ER.. stressing over the wait for the fert report.. the ET .. the 2ww.. the wait for alllllllllllllllllllllllll the sonos ......... it's just all so overwhelming and so hard to think positively about ALL those steps. I feel like how can I possibly make it successfully from beginning to end?!

In the meantime .. I know none of this leads to any good and I'm just trying to focus on the present. We'll be adopting another kitten in a few weeks. I'm really looking forward to that

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

I dont think you're naive at all!! I think you're strong, brave and courageous. Even in your first statement you say you know that someday you'll be a success story too. That's courage PennyCat. Some of us wish we had the strength you have.
No one should have to endure the kind of pain you're experiencing... no one.
I dont know about you... but this experience has given me a stronger sense of faith (some people have lost it in this process) but I do believe that the people that are equipped to handle it, unfortunately are the ones dealing with it. For whatever reason... it's beyond us. I know that doesn't help you right now, but I hope you do know that you have had an impact on many girls on these boards. For that, we are thankful. Although you are not a mom just yet, you still have an impact on the lives of others. And one day, your child will be so blessed because of the road you traveled to finally have him/her in your arms.
Good luck PennyCat! Im so sorry for all that you're experiencing.

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

You are one of the strongest people I know. Even with that.....it's completely normal for you to have your bad days. You've suffered more loss than anyone should.

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

Posted by JavaJunkie

I think sometimes we need to feel sorry for ourselves, feel what you need to feel, it's the process of getting back to where you need to be to achieve your dreams!

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

I hope that one day in the next year or so these feelings will be a distant memory for you.

Re: I've experienced enough on this road to know.....

I continue to pray for strength for you.