Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

I admit I raise my voice when DD does not listen to us. For example:

me - its time to brush your teeth
DD - no
me - you have to or else you'll get cavities
DD - no, i want to watch tv
me - go in the bathroom NOW!

But my does does this instead (everytime)
wife - its time to brush your teeth
DD - no
wife - you have to or else you'll get cavities
DD - no, i want to watch tv
wife - ok, watch 5 more minutes then brush teeth / you can watch my phone while brushing

My wife says that in the morning she has to run off to work so she doesn't have time to argue with DD, whatever gets her moving my wife says.

Or when walking home, DD will throw a tantrum because she wants to go into a store instead of going home, so wifey will bring her into the store.
My wife says she doesn't want to deal with a 4 year old on the floor screaming in public so she will bring her into the store for 10 minutes then continue the walk home.

I disagree with this - all you are doing is showing DD that if she throws a tantrum or whatever she will get her way.
Or she'll become one of those kids who won't do anything unless you "pay her off"
"Clean your room"
"Only if you buy me a new toy"

What do you all think?

Is this bad?

I have realized that I’m very guilty of this. I’ll hear my kids tell each other “ I’m not doing this unless you do this”. And I realize they are learning this conditional behavior from me. I need to try and do better but most of the time I just don’t have the patience (or time!) to argue with them.

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

I am situational regarding this. Sometimes I am firm and sometimes I compromise to just stop the whining. I feel like there is no correct way to handle these situations.

I do agree with you that it is showing the child that they can throw a tantrum and get whatever they want because we as parents don't want to deal with it.

I've started a reward system with my DD - who is 7yr. I tell her that if she does the following each day without being prompted from me or my husband then she gets a point. She will get bonus points for other random things. If at the end of the week she has received all of her points then she will get an allowance of $5 that she can spend or save.

It's been working so far. Granted, my DD is older and I am not so sure this would work with my son who is almost 3.

Is this bad?

I’m like you. My kids know what is expected of them and they generally don’t throw tantrums (at least not in public), as they know at this point that won’t get them anywhere!

If it’s time to turn off the TV, it goes off. If they don’t listen then no TV tomorrow.

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

Is this bad?

I think if you have an issue with how your wife handles your DD, you should take over morning and pickup duty and see how that works out for you.

Is this bad?

In general I set very clear guidelines for my daughter. I am however flexible in some situations- if she is at a friends house and I tell her it is time to go and she asks for a few more minutes to play I will often give her a few more minutes IF she asks calmly- tantrums are an immediate end to any fun in our house- my dh travels a lot for work and recently my dd has started throwing tantrums thinking if she misbehaves he will come home- we set house rules and if she breaks them she loses her TV time
For the day or next day if it is at bed time.
It sounds like your daughter is manipulating your wife to get what she wants from her. You should sit down with your wife and come up with a plan that works for both of you and try to be as consistent as possible.
My dd is four too. We spend a lot of time talk about her feelings and why she gets upset- it has helped a lot.

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

If I had a $1 for every time I said or thought that doing something was absolutely wrong in raising a kid...

I think we all bribe at times.

Think about giving your kid a toy/crayon/game/movie at a restaurant. Think about dessert for good behavior or candy for toilet training. It’s not all wrong. Some stuff I do, some I don’t.

If you are having a major problem with tantrums, you need a multi modal plan based on kids’ ages. It includes not asking (but telling kid) to do something, no yelling (that’s the same as a tantrum), lots and lots of explaining, and help. There are lots of online resources for this written by child behavior specialists.

Good luck

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

Probably somewhere in the middle is the “best” way. I mean, we all work for a paycheck, not for free or because it’s thr right thing to do, right? Switching to if-then contingencies would be a natural switch. “If you brush your teeth, then you can have the last 5 minutes of your show”. This way, there’s no raising voice ans there’s no bribery (which is reward prior to the act, ie tv time prior to toothbrushing). You have to be prepared to say what you mean and mean what you say though, and that does require a battle until your child understands you mean business. So it would be hard to roll it out on a busy workweek. Maybe a vacation week would be best when stress is lower. It’s SO HARD. we ALL feel the stress.

Is this bad?

i can see both sides. i definitely do this sometimes when i feel it warrants it (IE my boys have been good and ask for 5 more minutes of something, or if i'm in a rush and letting them watch their iPad gets them to brush their teeth quicker...) BUT definitely not every single time. you can't give in all the time, or they learn to throw a fit or whine to get what they want... maybe you and your wife could check out some parenting info- like books or youtube videos from counselors/ parenting experts... and maybe come to something that will work for both of you.

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

We tell them if they whine, we can’t give them what they want. Because whining doesn’t get you want you want.

We use a lot of “choice” language. “Make a different choice”. “That was a bad choice”.

We ask them to make a different choice in how they ask for things or make a different choice to listen to us. If not, negative consequences, if yes, positive reinforcement.

We aren’t that strict but we have a set routine and they know it’s set.

We also do 1-2-3 magic if the kids aren’t listening. It’s very rare we get past 2 1/2 (ok we cheat). If we do, it’s a time out.

It’s hard. We aren’t that strict and don’t want to be. But sometimes you have to. I think it’s important for kids to know there are boundaries, consequences, and rules. They need to respect you. But we are also very silly and fun with our kids. We try to balance.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong. You and spouse just need to be on the same page.

We made a behavior chart when DD was 4. She responded so well. A check for a good day - 4 basic rules: listen, be nice, no tantrums, no whining. It allowed us to reward (book every 7-10 checks) and not just punish. She forgot about the rewards and just liked the checks.

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

More often than not we're like your wife. Sometimes it's just easier to give in than to argue. The mornings, especially, because we have to be out the door by 6:45am. If DD wants my phone, I just give it to her so I can get her moving.

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

I am 100% your wife in the morning. Its me, on my own, with the 3 boys, trying to get us all out the door. I do whatever I have to do to make it happen. If that means my 2 year old eats a bag of M&Ms along with his "real" breakfast, so be it. I don't care. I just have to get the job done.

Now, in a regular situation, where I have time and it's not part of my grind, I am more like you.

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

I see nothing wrong with having a reward system, or allowing children to "negotiate" a little bit. They have so little control over their lives as it is, I think it's good to let them have an age appropriate say over some of what they do.

We never entertain tantrums. When they were toddlers, maybe we gave in sometimes out of desperation. But now, not a chance.

I also think that if you're not dealing with the chaos and frustration of the morning routine, you really should tread lightly in your criticism. The daily morning grind can drive anyone to the point of tears and I don't fault anyone who gives in at times.

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

I agree with the OP. I tend to be very strict and not really entertain the kids' BS. I'm not going to bargain with them or any of that, they have to do whatever it is & that's it. I don't do certain things just to avoid tantrums because then they'll expect to get their way always. Nope. I'm in charge, not them. Sometimes they act that way because they're looking for firm boundaries, which is what they need, not us to give in or be wishy washy about expectations. That's just how I feel. DH thinks I'm a little too strict at times but I tend to think he's too lenient.

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

I will do whatever it takes to get out the door in the morning. When we're not in a rush, I do not give in as easily, but mornings are very stressful when you can't be late for work.

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

I think you are right and I have this discussion with my husband all the time-- we are both guilty of either bribing -- or, yelling at them to "do what we say" depending on our level of patience or mood. Both of which are terrible MO's and inconsistent in and of themselves. One day a tantrum will lead to my kids getting what the ask for the next it will lead to my screaming my head off telling them they need to listen to me. Totally Ineffective parenting.

The trick to effective parenting IMO is consistentcy, explaining why things need to be done , and then if a child still does not listen or do as they are asked, following through on consequences when the child doesn't listen,

I.e. mom- ok time to turn off the tv and brush your teeth
kid- no i dont want to go to bed yet, the show isnt over (wont get up from the tv)
Mom- you need to brush your teeth now because its time for bed
kid- no!
Rather than say ok fine 5 more minutes, or yell bloody murder... mom should get up turn off tv, have kid brush their teeth and then explain that bc they didnt listen, tv privileges are revoked the next day.


So the kid learns no you dont get an extra 5 minutes of tv bc you threw a fit, actually you get no tv now and tomorrow because of how you behaved. Eventually the child learns they need to do what is asked of them the first time.

The problem is (as a mom who has to get my two kids 4 and 6 ready for school alone every morning and myself ready for work and most nights get them ready for bed alone too) we as parents are often tired and impatient and juggling 100 things at the same time so we let things slide and give in and then sometimes just yell when we are at our wits end.

Proper and effective parenting takes time and patience which is a luxury for most parents, esp when you through work schedules etc in to the mix.

Message edited 5/4/2018 2:00:31 PM.

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

I think you have to pick your battles.

Also, I usually say, in 5 mins you have to brush your teeth, or when your show is over the TV is getting turned off. That usually works out better for me.

Message edited 5/4/2018 2:12:57 PM.

Is this bad?

My kids ate pound cake and fruit snacks on Wednesday to get out the door at 645. Some days u do what u gotta do.

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

Posted by FirstMate

Posted by LuckyStar

I think if you have an issue with how your wife handles your DD, you should take over morning and pickup duty and see how that works out for you.

Re: Is this bad? "bribing the kids"

Posted by Disneygirl17

Posted by FirstMate

Posted by LuckyStar

I think if you have an issue with how your wife handles your DD, you should take over morning and pickup duty and see how that works out for you.

Hahhaha testify!!!