intrusive SIL- how to cope???

my SIL lives a few mins away and constantly asks to see our baby. We have seen her for sure, but we have also made friends with close friends and other family members as well.

Just a little background: Dh and I work, and from Mon-Fri we don't make plans with anyone because it's alot of work to get dinner on the table, give the baby a bath, pack up for daycare the next day, etc etc etc.. Just about every weekend, we have had plans. My two siblings both have kids and all 3 are within one year of each other and are very close. Do we spend more time with them lately? of course. They are my DD's cousins, and we did apple/pumpkin picking together and some things like that. There have also been a few famly events on that side of the fam so natually we have been seeing more of them lately.

Now my SIL has been on our case and has been getting upset at our FB pics because we arent including her in all that we do. I just don't think that is fair of her to be doing to us, because we are trying our best to give everyone time to see the baby. Last night, we discussed that if she wants to come by for a little while on friday nights when we don't have plans, she can spend time with DD before we have to get her in the bath and off to bed. She then started on about how she wants to use her 2 weeks of vacation time and pick our daughter up from daycare and wants to come to our house and do our laundry for us. While I appreciate that, it just feels so intrusive. My brother and I don't want her folding our underwear!!! lol... I kinda said no thank you and again explained that we have a routine during the week and don't like to have vistors over mon-thurs. She just kept going so I eventually had to stop responding to her texts.

SIL is so incredibly intrusive to the point that she has driven by our house just to see if we are lying about having plans with others. If our car is there, she will call and ask if we lied to her (which we didn't- we just hadn't left yet....). I don't feel that it's her place to treat us this way, nor is it our place to share our daily plans with her. She is not my mother. It is also important to note that she has bipolar depression, suffered from anorexia/bullemia for years, has an alcohol addiction and takes drugs recreationally (in my opinion, routinely) with her husband. The mix of all of this has made her worse and worse over the years, and makes it very hard for us to reason with her. This is also why we would never feel comfortable with her babysitting our child or picking up from daycare. We have tried having conversations with her about how we love her and want to spend time with her, but that we have friends/family of our own besides just her and she has to understand that we only have 3 days out of the week. We would also just like some time to enjoy our baby alone. We constantly get the "push back" and are left feeling terrible.


Sorry for the long post. Anyone have suggestions on how to deal with this? There is no talking to her, and we have tried. That option is pretty much off the table, as she takes alot personally and then involves MIL which is not fair to her. Do I just ignore it and stick to occasional Friday evening visits? And how do I deal with my anxiety about it all?

Re: intrusive SIL- how to cope???

I think her intrusiveness is a problem. Stalking your house and FB page. But that could be due to her other issues. I also agree with her unknown mental stability (bipolar with drinking and rec drugs is a huge no no) I wouldn't want her driving in general, let alone w a child in the car. I also wouldn't want her alone with a child either. So I think with those circumstances, you guys need to stick to your guns. At this point , I would have your DH be brutally honest about it with her (DH and I have an agreement. Issue w my family , I deal with it. Issue w his, he deals w it. Helps keep SOME peace)

To be honest, when I first started reading this I felt bad for your SIL. i don't have children and have a BIL & SIL who live not even 2 miles away. I love spending time w my niece and there were times back in the beginning (her first year) where my SIL would include me a lot. Days at the park. Practically all summer at the beach. Etc. I loved it.

Then she made mom friends in town. And my niece had new little friends. And I wasn't invited to any "auntie " play dates At all. Unless it was a family gtg. Which had to include all the family. Because she also has a SIL with kids. They do things together too.

I won't lie. I was hurt a little. But because I don't have a mental instability or alcohol/drug addiction, I am able to understand why. It's just easier for a mom to be with other moms so the kids can play. I get it. But your SIL obviously can't understand.

Either way, it still stinks to feel left out. maybe your baby makes her happy and she really enjoys spending time.

Your DH needs to set her straight. Give her the Friday's you planned on. But maybe , once in a while invite her unexpectedly to do something fun with you guys. It's a nice feeling.

intrusive SIL- how to cope???

Is there a reason she couldn't come when you guys go out with your family?

Honestly, I can kinda understand why she's upset. What if you tried to include her a bit more, or if you offered to do some "fun" things with her and the baby?

I wish any of my dds aunts/uncles wanted to spend that much time with her-some of them go weeks/months never even asking about her.

Re: intrusive SIL- how to cope???

intrusive SIL- how to cope???

Another thing that might help would be to hide certain posts from her on FB. Then she wouldn't be able to see all the events that she's not invited to and feel left out. When you post, there's an option for "post to friends except XXX."

Re: intrusive SIL- how to cope???

May I ask why she wasn't invited pumpkin and apple
Picking?

If it's the other issues she had them you need to just be honest and say we feel
Comfortable only with you and he baby in the hous e

intrusive SIL- how to cope???

I agree with other posters, I would invite her along to kids things even though she doesn't have kids.

Re: intrusive SIL- how to cope???

I would have her come over on some Friday evenings like you suggested. I can totally understand not wanting to include her in all of your plans with your side of the family or friends. Sometimes that can get awkward especially if she is a little off like you are describing. I would also limit what she sees on facebook so she doesn't know everything you are doing.


I also empathize with only having 2 days off a week and how it's so hard trying to squeeze visits in with everyone who wants to see your child, as well as finding time to just relax and enjoy your child alone. We get the guilt trips from family members who expect to see us every single weekend and sometimes we just can't do it.

Re: intrusive SIL- how to cope???

intrusive SIL- how to cope???

I'm also not sure if I would limit the posts she sees on Facebook. I would be incredibly hurt if i found out a family member was doing that to me.

Re: intrusive SIL- how to cope???

Re: intrusive SIL- how to cope???

She obviously had some problems in her life, so yes, I agree - having her pick up your daughter and do chores in your house isn't a good idea.

But it would be nice to include her on some of the things you do with other people; are there any particular reasons why she couldn't be included in casual gatherings from time to time?

Re: intrusive SIL- how to cope???

I am clearly in the minority but would not want an active drug user around my child at all, forget making special accommodations for them. Your child is not a band aid for her problems.

Re: intrusive SIL- how to cope???

Re: intrusive SIL- how to cope???

Re: intrusive SIL- how to cope???

I would try to include her more with the others. I think that is more than enough after you mentioned her background of drug and alcohol abuse. The picking up from daycare and helping with laundry, yeah, no. That's a boundary stomp. "No" is a sentence remember .

Re: intrusive SIL- how to cope???

Message edited 10/22/2016 2:16:52 PM.

intrusive SIL- how to cope???

How does she act around your friends and family? I would try to include her in those activities. It sounds like she wants to be helpful. I would totally try and use it to your advantage. I wouldn't let her use her vacation time to watch the baby by herself but it's nice to have an extra set of hands around and to get to spend time with DH. I would giver her something to do with the baby while your out with friends or home (like feed her) so you get a break and can chat.

intrusive SIL- how to cope???

Um, no. I don't care that she's your DD's aunt, she sounds nuts. I would severely limit the amount of time you spend with her and would not leave her alone with your DD under any circumstances. Too bad if she doesn't like it. Pick one Friday a month and let her hang out for a few hours.

intrusive SIL- how to cope???

Until recently my sister did not have kids. I still invited her to pumpkin picking, apple picking, etc. even if I was doing it with friends who had kids or my SIL/BIL. (Not all the time but definitely included her) I would probably feel the same way if I was her and saw that your family is always with the baby and you were not asked to do things with her.

I would more understand if it was because of her other issues but that doesn't seem like what the problem was.

intrusive SIL- how to cope???

I think her actions are due to her mental illness. My MIL can be the same. I would not cut her out completely. I would try and include her in on group things where it would be an easy invite.

I would not have her pick up at daycare. We had to make major changes with things like that.

I have realized small things will make a big difference.

intrusive SIL- how to cope???

I would let her come like 1 Friday a month to hang out while your home. As far as picking up from daycare or babysitting alone, absolutely not. I am likely going to be one of those crazy parents and won't let anyone watch my kids, even family- but that's just me. In this situation, my feelings about others babysitting, I wouldn't let her be alone given the nature of her behavior. As far as including her in things, I get it, doing things with your family and DHs family at different times, it's the same with mine and DHs family unfortunately but my in laws, specifically FIL is extremely difficult and no one can get along with him. I would try and maybe plan a day out here and there with her and your DH and some of their family and just make the effort. Doing more things with your family may not be intentional, but she may be taking it to heart.

Re: intrusive SIL- how to cope???

Re: intrusive SIL- how to cope???

Re: intrusive SIL- how to cope???