Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

I think focusing on the commute aspect of this issue isn't what's at the heart of her post. Her DH is unhappy with their current situation. She is content b/c she loves her co-op, her furniture and has her best friend nearby. But what about the fact that her DH is miserable and expresses a desire to live in Manhattan. So why not give it a try? Yes he'll still have a commute, but maybe it won't bother him anymore. And maybe she'll end up loving living in the city.

Edited for spelling

Message edited 11/14/2006 11:09:59 AM.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Just another point. If he works 12 hr days minimum I'm guessing, she would like to be near her friends.

I think he just doesn't like Long Island and his job is totally stressing him out and he thinks that living in the city is the answer. I don't think the commute is the issue.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Message edited 12/29/2008 2:25:44 AM.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Elle,

It sounds like your DH has never done anything for himself. Even getting this co-op was not his idea. It doesn't sound like her particularly wanted to move to Great Neck in the first place. I think living in the city is something on a lot of people's "list of things to do". You may have a family one day and that will be much harder to do.

The reality of the matter is, you as his wife are going to have to "pay for him having his dad control his life for 27 years.". We marry the people we love, with all their greatness and all their baggage. It sounds like this is one of his.

I live in the city and I love it. My sister just moved from LI back to the city with her daughter because their needs and desired changed since they bought their place in LI. I already posted, but I still would suggest that you consider renting a studio in the city for a short term and see if its something he really wants to do. Who knows- he may hate it or you may love it.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Posted by Ellebelle1

Wow, you girls are perceptive. I do live in Great Neck. I appreciate the active discussion about this. I like to hear different opinions. I need it, at this point. We actually moved to Great Neck a year ago after we got engaged. For all of our relationship, prior to engagement, he lived at home with his parents, with no thoughts of moving out. I tried to bring it up and I got shot down. His parents even tried telling me that when he can afford a HOUSE in Great Neck, he'll move out. Umm, that would make him living at home until he's over 40 because houses in Great Neck are very very pricey. So, low and behold we got engaged and I said if you love Great Neck so much, why don't we buy a co-op. So, him and his parents were all about it, they helped us move in, etc. Anyway, the minute we moved in he felt that me and his dad pushed him into it. I felt that I didn't do anything to him. He put down the downpayment. His dad, though, probably did push him into it because his dad tends to be controlling. So, in a way, I feel like I'm paying for him having his dad control his life for 27 years.

The reality is, I don't want to be selfish, but I just feel like I want to make the right decision. My biggest fear is that this truly is a symptom of depression and he will never be happy

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Just to play devil's advocate....so what if he hates LI and wants to live in the city. Marriage is still about compromise. I agree with renting your co-op and trying out the city for a set number of months. If your DH is truly happier, consider his feelings and make a decision then.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

I am not sure I understand why he wants to live in manhattan? Is it only for the sake of the commute? I don't know where he works but he could still have a 25min+ commute unless you live around the block from his job. Is it some kind of dream he always had to live in manhattan?
I think living in great neck would be a great commute - with LIRR. I live in Astoria which is probably about 5 miles from where I work and on a good day on the subway it takes me 45 minutes to commute.A lot of times it is an hour or more.
Why don't you sit down with him and talk about if there is anything else bothering him and why he is so obsessed with living in manhattan

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Posted by SweetestOfPeas

Posted by Ellebelle1

Wow, you girls are perceptive. I do live in Great Neck. I appreciate the active discussion about this. I like to hear different opinions. I need it, at this point. We actually moved to Great Neck a year ago after we got engaged. For all of our relationship, prior to engagement, he lived at home with his parents, with no thoughts of moving out. I tried to bring it up and I got shot down. His parents even tried telling me that when he can afford a HOUSE in Great Neck, he'll move out. Umm, that would make him living at home until he's over 40 because houses in Great Neck are very very pricey. So, low and behold we got engaged and I said if you love Great Neck so much, why don't we buy a co-op. So, him and his parents were all about it, they helped us move in, etc. Anyway, the minute we moved in he felt that me and his dad pushed him into it. I felt that I didn't do anything to him. He put down the downpayment. His dad, though, probably did push him into it because his dad tends to be controlling. So, in a way, I feel like I'm paying for him having his dad control his life for 27 years.

The reality is, I don't want to be selfish, but I just feel like I want to make the right decision. My biggest fear is that this truly is a symptom of depression and he will never be happy

it definitely sounds like you both need to have a heart to heart about what is *really* bothering him. from what I am getting here is that this co-op is the 1st time he's lived on his own. that itself is a huge adjustment and add to that getting married and being in a new job that requires 12 hour a day shifts... well NO WONDER he is unhappy. it's not any 1 thing from what it sounds like... it's just way too much change within a short amount of time and it's taking its toll on his happiness.

Message edited 11/15/2006 5:05:39 PM.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Maybe he would be happier in a different field of law, such as Entertainment?

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

It sounds like your hubby has issues. Was he pushed into being a lawyer?? Is he know trying to make decisions on his own and this is causing friction? How controlling IS his dad?

For me, location and commute was a HUGE thing. DH and I have negotiated for a couple of years on where we were going to buy a home. I needed my commute to be shorter (it took me an hour by train and ten minute ride in car where we lived and he wanted to buy) DH wanted to be near the beach (well, basically down the block from the beach)

we finally have compromised on some middle ground and are in the process of buying now. It was a long and arduous road. I also need to be near my family and he wants to be near his friends. Marriage is ALL about compromise...you need to get to the root of his problem though. If it is in fact bigger than wanting to live in the city and shorter commute, than that is something that needs to be addressed...

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Fisrt of all, unless he lives around the block from his office, his commute can potentially be longer than it is right now -

Second, do those of you who are calling the OP "selfish" have ANY idea what the COST of living/renting in Manhattan actually is ?? She's not refusing to go, she's saying she's unsure if it's the right decision - and it's NOT as simple as 'rent your co-op and move to Manhattan'

I always made it very clear that living in Manhattan was on my list of things to do - my DH knew that for a very long time If it didn't happen, I wasn't going to shoot myself, but it was just always something I wanted. - When we got married, we knew we were going to have to rent anyway before saving enough to buy a house, so we decided to rent in Manhattan to 'get it out of my system'
DH doesn't love the city nearly as much as I do, but we agreed it would be a year or 2 and we would buy a house - He sucks it up for me, which I will always appreciate - HOWEVER, it was HIS decision to do it for me and he knew WELL in advance that it was something I wanted.

If your DH NEVER mentioned the idea of moving to Manhattan before and is suddenly dropping this on you after you have PURCHASED a co-op and are paying a mortgage .....I think HE is the one who is being selfish and quite honeslty not very well thought out .......
And if he didn't want the Co-op in Great Neck, he should have opened his mouth and said something, if he didn't have the nerve to tell his father, he should have at LEAST told you ! -

Is he very new at his current job ? He is most likely unsettled, unsure of himself and stressed out at work - coupled with the fact that he's working 12 hour days .....and getting on the train to come home after a 12 hour day is NOT fun, but you know what ?? If you make the decision to work in NYC in order to make more money, it comes w/ the territory, you deal with it -

I don't think you're being selfish at all, I think you're weighing all of your options and looking at the bigger picture -

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

After reading this whole thread, I think there are a few points that stand out.

First, his commute won't get any better living in Manhattan unless he lives a block from his office, so moving there from Great Neck *just* for that reason won't change anything. However, living in Manhattan is something that your DH is choosing for himself, not his dad and that in and of itself might make him happy.

Secondly, I work for a large law firm and if I had to guess I would say that easily 65% of the attorneys I work with **HATE** what they do for a living. It's all about 12 hour days and billable hours here. So that could be another factor involved in his unhappiness. But again, if his dad is very controlling and he was pushed into this field, then he probably hates it even more.

I think what your DH is looking for is some control over his own life, and moving to Manhattan may just be his way of exercising his control.

ETA: I work in the real estate department of my firm and they seriously BUST their a$$es here, more than some of the other departments according to a comment from one of my attys yesterday (not all depts., but some).

Message edited 11/14/2006 11:54:36 AM.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Wow, that's interesting what you are saying about your law firm.

Message edited 11/15/2006 5:05:01 PM.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

I honestly still do think this is not just about his commute and living in the city. He had a job that was close by before this job and he still wasn't happy. I don't think someone can be as miserable as the OP is describing just based on scenery. I do think this is something that the 2 of you should compromise on, and come to a decision that you should both be happy with. If you are okay with at least giving it a try, then definitely go for it...but I can identify with being scared about making the wrong decision. The city is expensive...and so is moving. If you do this and this still doesn't solve all of his problems, then what? That's why I do think you two need to sit down and calmly discuss the pro's and con's and how a move will affect both of you as a couple. I wouldn't jump to conclusions and say that either side is selfish. However, the OP knows her DH probably better then any of us do, and she probably knows more about his behavior and attitude and that may contribute to the reason why she thinks her hubby may be depressed. If he had a controlling parent, it is possible that he feels out of control when it comes to his life, and that is enough to make someone unhappy. He does need to do things for himself, but when you are making decisions that effects your spouse, it can't be all about one person.

ETA: Did was to add that a 9am to 9 pm is extremely taxing...and if you consider his commute...he spends more time going to and from work and working then he does even sleeping or doing anything else. That quote about all work and no play is very true. He needs more down time

Message edited 11/14/2006 12:09:48 PM.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

I didn't read everyone else's posts because I couldn't get past the ones calling you selfish, arguing about how long the commute really is, etc.

I'm the first one to admit that I was selfish when it came to finding a house. I wanted to be near my parents, my friends, my sisters because we were planning on having children soon after we were married. I wanted the support & the help for when I had to work late (in Manhattan) etc.. I don't think you're selfish since you are considering the move.

I would sit down, talk to DH, sublease your apt & move to Manhattan for a year or 2. I can't see selling a condo & moving even if it is 25 minutes away if I thought it could be a sign of something deeper.

Message edited 11/14/2006 12:57:05 PM.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Posted by Ellebelle1

Posted by SweetestOfPeas

Posted by Ellebelle1

Wow, you girls are perceptive. I do live in Great Neck. I appreciate the active discussion about this. I like to hear different opinions. I need it, at this point. We actually moved to Great Neck a year ago after we got engaged. For all of our relationship, prior to engagement, he lived at home with his parents, with no thoughts of moving out. I tried to bring it up and I got shot down. His parents even tried telling me that when he can afford a HOUSE in Great Neck, he'll move out. Umm, that would make him living at home until he's over 40 because houses in Great Neck are very very pricey. So, low and behold we got engaged and I said if you love Great Neck so much, why don't we buy a co-op. So, him and his parents were all about it, they helped us move in, etc. Anyway, the minute we moved in he felt that me and his dad pushed him into it. I felt that I didn't do anything to him. He put down the downpayment. His dad, though, probably did push him into it because his dad tends to be controlling. So, in a way, I feel like I'm paying for him having his dad control his life for 27 years.

The reality is, I don't want to be selfish, but I just feel like I want to make the right decision. My biggest fear is that this truly is a symptom of depression and he will never be happy

it definitely sounds like you both need to have a heart to heart about what is *really* bothering him. from what I am getting here is that this co-op is the 1st time he's lived on his own. that itself is a huge adjustment and add to that getting married and being in a new job that requires 12 hour a day shifts... well NO WONDER he is unhappy. it's not any 1 thing from what it sounds like... it's just way too much change within a short amount of time and it's taking its toll on his happiness.

That's probably very true. Another issue to with him, is that he might not actually like being a lawyer. I think his dad pushed him into it because it's "prestigious." I'm a guidance counselor and I love it, but his family acts like working in the education field is "for women." He actually admitted to me last night that he's thought about becoming a gym teacher because he loves sports and it has good hours. I told him that if that's what would make him happy, then he should do it. I don't think he ever will, though.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

To Ellebelle1 -- I was one who called you selfish earlier in the thread but now that you've written more about the situation you definitely do not seem that way now.

I hope that you and DH work through this and come up with a good compromise for you both.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Message edited 11/15/2006 5:07:04 PM.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.