I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Message edited 11/15/2006 5:06:09 PM.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Basically, I feel that where you live should be a decision that you both can discuss, compomise, and agree on. No one person should call the shots. I think there is something deeper here w/ your DH. He might be depressed about something and just passes it off as this. I agree with you that moving to the city isn't going to suddenly solve all of the problems and make him happy...especially if it means acquiring more debt. Can you both sit down and discuss it? You both are going to have to work together and compromise about where you live. You both are partners and both have to be happy w/ the decisions you make as a couple. This won't be easy, especially since you both are passionate about why you want to be where you are. The idea is not to change someone's mind, but to come to some sort of agreement that you both will be happy with. But I don't think that a 25 minute commute is the making of a miserable existence, something else is going on here. It seems like he's searching for something to bring him happiness.

Message edited 11/14/2006 12:42:00 AM.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Message edited 11/15/2006 5:06:22 PM.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Ellen, could you compromise on some place closer to the city, that's a little less expensive, like Queens? His commute will certainly be better, and some neighborhoods, like where we live in Forest Hills, are SO convenient for both the city and LI, which is one of the reasons we chose to live here.

I do agree with the above poster, that there might be something deeper going on with him. He really may just be unhappy with his job, but it's much easier to focus on geography being the problem.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Sounds to me like your DH is just depressed. Your story sounds like no matter what changes are made, he's still not happy.
Sorry, I don't have any real answers for you. Good luck.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

It does sound like nothing will make him happy. I don't think he likes what he's doing.

Maybe he needs a change but I don't think it's where you live.

He would have to be living a block away from the office to be happy and that's not happening. He wants to roll out of bed and fall into his office? Even people who live in the city and work there sometimes have 30 minute commutes due to subway bus..etc..he thinks it's the answer but a 25 minute commute is great.

He will have to work more and make more money just to afford the mortgage. That will make him miserable. It also sounds like he's pinning the whole thing on you.

Too much pressure. You should live where you want to live for your lifestyle. If all he's doing is working then that's not much of a life. I know some attorneys work very long hours but it sounds like he also needs some work/life balance.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

you seem to be lukewarm on manhattan and he seems to LOVE to live there. if you are not dead set against it why not try it out?

Its not that much farther and if he HATES where you live so much why not try out manhattan. Tell him 3 years then revisit the situation in 3 years.

Seems like you dont have children and dont have anything tying you down to moving 25 minutes from your house, so why not do this for him, expecially if he is miserable. Will you be miserable in manhattan? it doesnt sound like it.

I would try it out. I am not sure who makes more money but my thing with DH is that whoever is the breadwinner pretty much has a little more of a say in where we live. That is JUST OUR thing though.

Good luck


eta - my husband is a lawyer on li, and i nkow how the hours are better etc. however he wants to work in the city. if his salary went up alot, over mine, and working in the city would help him be happy, i would move for him if my husband wanted that- even though we live right near my job. that is just my situation though.

Message edited 11/14/2006 9:11:19 AM.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

JMO but it sounds like you are being selfish, you want to live by school and your friends.
DH used to drive an hour and a half to work...we comprimised and moved to where it was 45 mins for each of us.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

I am not sure if this is a good idea or not but I will throw it out there: Would you consider renting out your apartment for a little while and renting in the city? Say, give it a 6 month or 1 year trial? Then you could move back if you hate it. or if you decide you like it you could sell your place and look to buy in the city. I know that moving is a pain, but it might be worth it to compromise with your husband.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

from reading your post it sounds like he hates his job more than anything. 12 hour days is A LOT!

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

what about a comprimise like Long Island City or woodside where they are building those beautiful new full service buildings?

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

I think it's selfish not to try something that could potentially make your DH happy. It sounds like he compromised for you with the area you're currently in so you could be near school. Why wouldn't you give it a try?

I agree with the other posters who say to try it out in terms of renting and then see if you like it....

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

I don't understand why people keep calling the OP selfish. she didn't put a gun to his head when they bought their co-op he agreed to it and he now changed his mind. how is that selfish on *her* part?

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Posted by SweetestOfPeas

I don't understand why people keep calling the OP selfish. she didn't put a gun to his head when they bought their co-op he agreed to it and he now changed his mind. how is that selfish on *her* part?

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Posted by paulandles912

Posted by SweetestOfPeas

I don't understand why people keep calling the OP selfish. she didn't put a gun to his head when they bought their co-op he agreed to it and he now changed his mind. how is that selfish on *her* part?

because it sounds like he never wanted to move there and he did it b/c it's what she wanted. that's the way i read her post. i would never stay in a house/area that my husband hated. that to me is selfish.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

would he be willing to rent for a year in the city? I know it is expensive - but if he really wants the city , before you buy and are locked in , rent and see how both of you feel about it

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Long hours and a long commute s*ck... I lived in the city right after college til we bought a place last year in Hoboken- which is 2 MILES from the city-- and even with that, my commute is like 45 mins door to door. I can totally appreciate where your DH is coming from-- and working long hours with a long commute makes you feel like all you are doing is working and there is absolutely no quality to your life. I would be p*ssy all the time too!

Maybe you can rent out your coop partially furnished and rent a place in the city for a year or two-- it's a compromise and you can try to city, while still having your apt on LI so you can always move back in if the situation is not working out.

Either way-- you two need to come up with a game plan. You are not goign to want to be in the city forever so a temporary solution may be the best fix--

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

the apartment would have to be ultra close to his office to really make a difference. Are the apartments you are considering a few blocks away? Otherwise the commute is not much different.

The pay-off has to be tons better to move.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

i can't give advice just because i am in the same situation. i want to move so badly to get my kids in a different school district and my DH doesn't it causes a constant fight and is really depressing!

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.

My sister was in the same situation as your DH= kind of. They bought a co-op in LI when she was working in Queens and her DH worked out of the house. Now she is a SAHM and her DH works long hours in NYC. They both starting itching to live in the city and so they rented a studio to see if they like it. Well PS- now they LOVE it and are selling their place on LI and moving to a bigger place (a studio with a baby is tough).

I would say if you can afford it, rent a studio for a short time. See if you like it. You may end up loving it. Maybe he will see living in Manhattan isn't what he wanted and be more content where you are. I see that as the best compromise.

Re: I'm in a no-win situtation. Need advice.