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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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If you've lost a parent
My best friends since we were small kids, her father just passed away suddenly this week (aneurysm). He was only 57 and she still has two much younger sisters in HS.
Anyway, she is obviously beside herself. She had just had lunch with him the hour before he passed away.
She is also very angry, and understandably so.
I just want to be there for her, to help her through this, but I dont know what to do.
If you have lost a parent before, can you let me know what you found helped the most from your friends. She doesnt really want to talk so Ive been sending her texts just letting her know Im here and thinking of her. I saw her at the wake last night and I just wished I knew the right thing to say to help her and words failed me.
I also just ordered her a tiny silver angel wing necklace on etsy. Do you think that is OK?
My boss, who lost her mother recently said the most important thing is 2 weeks from now, a month from now, etc. Still be there, when everyone else is gone. Of course, I will.
What can I do or say to help now? What did you find solace in?
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Posted 1/9/14 12:07 PM  |
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Ayne11
Yep
Member since 1/09 18021 total posts
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Re: If you've lost a parent
I agree with your boss... Just be there, and listen listen listen. She knows you're there now, but it's chaos now with the wake, then the funeral, visitors, etc. Once that is over, that's when it really sets in & you're "forced" to deal with it because the distraction is gone.
Again, just be present and be her sounding board! 
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| Posted 1/9/14 12:12 PM |
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mrsboss
my little love
Member since 12/09 5054 total posts
Name:
Me
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If you've lost a parent
Yeah just be there after this week settles down. Send her a nice card. It was helpful to just have someone i could talk to in the weeks after.
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| Posted 1/9/14 12:22 PM |
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chilltocam
LIF Adult
Member since 11/11 9141 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you've lost a parent
Posted by 2BadSoSad
I also just ordered her a tiny silver angel wing necklace on etsy. Do you think that is OK?
My boss, who lost her mother recently said the most important thing is 2 weeks from now, a month from now, etc. Still be there, when everyone else is gone. Of course, I will.
What can I do or say to help now? What did you find solace in?
I really appreciated the few "tokens" that I received to "remind" me of my mom. They did and do mean a lot to me.
And YES, be there in the future. Now is important, but later, when everyone else has moved on, be there then. That will mean so much to her. Ask her how shes' doing. If she wants to talk, listen. If she doesn't want to, let it be. If she cries, be the shoulder to lean on. It might be many months from now and something will happen that will make her sad - let her know its ok, any time, anywhere. Check in with her, but it doesn't always have to be about how she's doing. In a little while, see if she's up for doing something "normal." If she is, great, if not, that's ok to (and it can change from day to day, minute to minute). And share good memories you have of her dad (if you do). I still - after 6 years - love it when someone recalls a story about my mom. To me that means she is not forgotten by others.
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| Posted 1/9/14 12:22 PM |
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SusiBee
. . . . .
Member since 3/09 8268 total posts
Name:
S
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Re: If you've lost a parent
Posted by Ayne11
I agree with your boss... Just be there, and listen listen listen. She knows you're there now, but it's chaos now with the wake, then the funeral, visitors, etc. Once that is over, that's when it really sets in & you're "forced" to deal with it because the distraction is gone.
Again, just be present and be her sounding board!
This exactly.
When I lost my mom, there was so much to do, even afterward. It took a good while for it to set in that now "I" had to look after my dad and establish a life/routine for the two of us. (both my parents lived with me).
There was a huge void to fill.
Offer to help write the thank you cards.
That was one chore I HATED, because they were not for something "good".
Life goes on, it just takes a while to get back into the swing of things when there is a loss.
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| Posted 1/9/14 12:23 PM |
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ISpoilHim
I think I got this
Member since 11/10 1523 total posts
Name:
K
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If you've lost a parent
Be there for her. But if she does not want to talk about it, don't push the issue.
When my mom passed, people kept asking me if I needed anything, wanted to talk, etc. Really all I wanted to do was to be left alone and have everyone stop bringing it up. I did not need to be reminded 20 times an hour that my mom had just passed away.
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| Posted 1/9/14 12:23 PM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you've lost a parent
Thanks everyone, great advice!
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| Posted 1/9/14 12:25 PM |
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Ian&EmmesMommy23
My family is complete!
Member since 11/08 12970 total posts
Name:
Diana
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If you've lost a parent
when my friend's father passed away i brought her a journal. i figured if she wasnt ready to talk, maybe she can at least write down her thoughts. she loved it and said it was really helpful.
i agree with making sure you're there for her a month down the road.
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| Posted 1/9/14 12:26 PM |
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StaceyWill
It's a girl!!!
Member since 6/10 21539 total posts
Name:
Stacey
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If you've lost a parent
I agree with everyone, just be there for her. And like your boss said - in a week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, etc., keep being there in case she wants to talk, cry, whatever.
So sorry for her loss.
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| Posted 1/9/14 12:26 PM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you've lost a parent
Posted by IansMommy23
when my friend's father passed away i brought her a journal. i figured if she wasnt ready to talk, maybe she can at least write down her thoughts. she loved it and said it was really helpful.
i agree with making sure you're there for her a month down the road.
this is a great idea! She has an 11 year old son who is having a REALLY hard time with this and she said he has been really withdrawn, this might be a good idea for him.
Message edited 1/9/2014 12:30:29 PM.
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| Posted 1/9/14 12:27 PM |
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ElizaRags35
My 2 Girls
Member since 2/09 20494 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: If you've lost a parent
Posted by chilltocam
Posted by 2BadSoSad
I also just ordered her a tiny silver angel wing necklace on etsy. Do you think that is OK?
My boss, who lost her mother recently said the most important thing is 2 weeks from now, a month from now, etc. Still be there, when everyone else is gone. Of course, I will.
What can I do or say to help now? What did you find solace in?
I really appreciated the few "tokens" that I received to "remind" me of my mom. They did and do mean a lot to me.
DH's cousin just lost her 13yo daughter and I know she has really appreciated any small tokens or reminders sent to her. They've been anything from plaques to ornaments to small little angels.
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| Posted 1/9/14 12:33 PM |
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ANewDayHasCome
Love multiplies, not divides
Member since 11/12 14481 total posts
Name:
Me
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If you've lost a parent
Just be there when she wants to talk and have a shoulder to cry on. A nice card. One of the best things I got was 3 years after my mom passed. It was a picture of her in a frame, smiling. The card said something like how she was always smiling. I have kept it on my nightstand since and that was almost 4 years ago I received it
Also, give her some space to deal with it and grieve. I promise she will come to you when she needs you.
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| Posted 1/9/14 12:41 PM |
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luckysmom
Yes it is! Going as planned:)
Member since 6/07 5339 total posts
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Re: If you've lost a parent
Posted by ISpoilHim
Be there for her. But if she does not want to talk about it, don't push the issue.
When my mom passed, people kept asking me if I needed anything, wanted to talk, etc. Really all I wanted to do was to be left alone and have everyone stop bringing it up. I did not need to be reminded 20 times an hour that my mom had just passed away.
I agree with this! When my mom passed away, every day the same people would ask me over and over "are you ok", "do you want to talk". For me, it just kept reminding me over and over that my mom was gone. Definitely be there for her, but being there for her once everything settles and it sets in that he's actually gone is the most important.
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| Posted 1/9/14 1:01 PM |
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Ayne11
Yep
Member since 1/09 18021 total posts
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If you've lost a parent
I know this may sound silly, but I always think of the scene in Steel Magnolia's when M'Lynn was probably asked for the 100th time how she was holding up at her daughters funeral and she screams "I'M FINE!" That's pretty much how I felt when my father passed away. I will say it's good for your friend to get angry and yell, scream, cry. It's a good release.
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| Posted 1/9/14 1:11 PM |
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peanutbutter2
Carpe diem!
Member since 11/10 5287 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you've lost a parent
I haven't lost a parent; however, my mom is very sick, and I agree with the others are saying about being there.
My mom's illness became significantly worse on December 7, 2013, and I really appreciate the people who have sought to make day-to-day living easier even a month after the fact. For example, a friend sent over dinner one night. It was nice to just not have to think about what we were going to eat for an evening, KWIM?
And I'm very, very sorry for your friend's loss. I also don't mean to compare an ill parent to the loss of a parent; I realize those are two very different scenarios, but I did feel my perspective could help.
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| Posted 1/9/14 1:23 PM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you've lost a parent
Thanks so much! this is all great!!! Im sorry for all of your losses, but appreciate you sharing.
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| Posted 1/9/14 1:26 PM |
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AScottWolf
I <3 our squish!
Member since 11/10 2237 total posts
Name:
Adriana
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Re: If you've lost a parent
Posted by ISpoilHim
Be there for her. But if she does not want to talk about it, don't push the issue.
When my mom passed, people kept asking me if I needed anything, wanted to talk, etc. Really all I wanted to do was to be left alone and have everyone stop bringing it up. I did not need to be reminded 20 times an hour that my mom had just passed away.
This for me too with my dad, but i was much much younger (12). However, knowing me, I'd want the same thing now.
You know your friend better then we do. For me, I wouldnt appreciate the locket right now. Once I get out of my funk i'd be more receptive.
As others have said, just be there for her.
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| Posted 1/9/14 1:29 PM |
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lvdolphins
My Loves!
Member since 5/05 46292 total posts
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Re: If you've lost a parent
Continue to be there for her when things quiet down.
I didn't want to talk to anyone. I even pushed my husband aside once or twice. The emails and texts helped.
It's very hard, so, definitely continue to support her always.
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| Posted 1/9/14 1:32 PM |
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If you've lost a parent
I agree with everyone who said to just be there, especially a month, two months, etc, from now. I really didn't hear from most of my friends after my dad's wake and funeral, even a simple text just saying hi is helpful.
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| Posted 1/9/14 1:35 PM |
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MaeDe
LIF Adult
Member since 4/11 1169 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you've lost a parent
I just lost my dad a few months ago, and my best friend has been there for me since the minute it happened. its been 3 months and she still texts me every day just to see if I am ok. that's all you can really do.
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| Posted 1/9/14 1:38 PM |
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VeeJay
Love baby feet
Member since 2/09 2894 total posts
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Re: If you've lost a parent
I lost my mom over 10 years ago, but she was very sick and on hospice so it wasn't anything sudden like your friend's dad.
I agree with PP's being there after everything settles and everyone else stops calling is important.
I think the angel pin is a great idea. Someone gave me one when my mom passed and I wore it on my wedding day, and still wear it on special occasions too.
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| Posted 1/9/14 1:53 PM |
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ThePinkGoose
In Your Hands
Member since 8/08 4706 total posts
Name:
Nunya
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If you've lost a parent
The ladies have all given you great advice. I'm sorry for your friends loss, so sad.
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| Posted 1/9/14 2:00 PM |
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kristin597
Mama!
Member since 8/08 1688 total posts
Name:
Kristin
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Re: If you've lost a parent
I agree with your boss. When I lost my father our house was packed for about a week with friends and family. When everything was over, it was just me, my mom and sister. THe house felt incredibly empty. Aside from family I had a handful of friends who made it a point to be there for me for months after (calls, visits, etc).
The only other thing I can recall from the weeks after the funeral (much of it was a blur) was the food. I remember not having the desire to eat or cook, neither did my mom. We had friends and neighbors who would drop off dinner, gift cards for restaurants that did take out, etc. I vividly remember one of my girlfriends hand feeding me a bagel the morning of my fathers wake. 
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| Posted 1/9/14 2:32 PM |
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TwinDani
We are complete <3
Member since 3/11 1750 total posts
Name:
Danielle
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If you've lost a parent
My sister passed suddenly last year. Not a parent but still a close family member. I agree 100% that just be there for your friends in a few weeks, and the months going forward. The people I needed the most after the fact were not there for me and it hurt really bad. Also send food. It helped a lot when we were planning everything and just in a blur. We had people send catered food from a local restaurant and a ton of edible arrangements. Each one was eaten and appreciated.
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| Posted 1/9/14 3:13 PM |
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TreAnt427
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Member since 8/06 8652 total posts
Name:
Tracy
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Re: If you've lost a parent
I lost my dad suddenly too.
I think what you are doing is great. Just keep reaching out to her every once in awhile and let her know you are there if she wants to talk. She probably is going through a lot of emotions right now, and nothing will really make her feel better.
I think the necklace is a beautiful idea.
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| Posted 1/9/14 3:14 PM |
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