Friend question. Please come in....

First of all, I think this is on the wrong board, but I never know if the relationship board is hubby/SO stuff, or all relationships. Anyway, if you'd like to move my post, be my guest because obviously I'm slow as to where to post


Anyway....
So, I think I am a bad friend. Not to one particular person, but just in general. I really have no clue how to be someone's friend. And by someone, I mean other females. All my good friends in life are men. JT, my best friend from childhood and my best friend of the last 7 years. All guys. I have no issues talking to them about anything. We talk about everything. However, when it comes to being friends with other women, I just have such a hard time. I feel like I have a hard time talking to other women. I don't know what to talk to them about and I don't know what to ask them about. I feel like a lot of people that I've befriended in the last few years are very closed about their lives. Not saying that I need to know everything about someone's life, but I feel like I am an open person, and I have a hard time relating to women who are not open. And it's odd that all the men I am friends with are totally open, that's what I love about them.
I don't know if this is making sense, but I just feel like even the women I find to be my closest friends (with the exception of one), there is this barrier there, like a line that no one ever crosses. Does that make sense? I don't know, maybe I just don't have any real friends, but it really depresses me that I don't really have any friends I feel I can speak freely too. I'm always afraid they think I am sharing too much of myself, and I don't want anything to think they need to do the same. Ugh.

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

This completely makes sense to me because my guy friends out-number my girlfriends by alot...I have grown up with all my guy friends so they are more like brothers than anything.

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

I've met some really good friends at work lately, but I agree with you--most women reciprocate when you share information, so I can see how it would be uncomfortable if you share and they are not opening up.

Lately I've felt like there are issues with my closest friends too though...It's like we are playing games--I sent my best friend an email before easter when she was coming to visit her family saying let's get together...she never responded, so I let it go. The following week I get a message "what happened to you!? you never called!" it's like what games are we playing...men wouldn't pull this !*&($(.

ETA: I totally went off on a tangent. I hear what you are saying!

Message edited 4/16/2007 8:45:15 PM.

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

Thanks, girls. I just feel like it shouldn't be this hard to have friends.

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

I feel the same way! I always wanted a "best friend" to grow up with. Someone who knew me inside and out. But I never had a person like that - not a female anyway...

I have a lot of male friends and a select few female friends. IMO the few girls that I have are all I need. I feel like I have "settled down" when it comes to friendships. I no longer want tons of friends - just the few I have and I will work to make them worthwhile

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

Rachel...I think you are an absolutely fantastic gal, a great mother and I think you have no worries. You are probably overanalyzing yourself. Truly, I think you are a strong woman that is very outgoing. I do agree sometimes men have an easier disposition in general but I think there are many girls out there that you can relate with. Sometimes its just about letting guards down. Maybe girls have a tendancy to compare rather then relax. I have some really great girlfriends so i cant specifically say that it doesnt work for me but I do see your point in some aspects.

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

For what it's worth, I think you would make a great friend and those who don't engage you are missing out.

I think this becomes harder as you get older. I think as a previous poster mentioned, a lot of people get comfortable with the friends they have and aren't really looking for new ones.

I will admit that I am a bit standoffish when I meet people at first and when they tell me too much about their personal lives in the beginning, it puts me off a bit. I think that is more about me though, and my need for privacy until I get to know other people better.

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

I guess I'm just at the point of re-evaluating my personal relationships with people. Let's face it, I don't have as much free time as I used to. I have a baby now, and JT and I spend our entire weekends together. So maybe I'm just at the point where I need to weed people out, and I guess I'm starting to feel it.

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

Posted by prncssrachel

Thanks, girls. I just feel like it shouldn't be this hard to have friends.

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

You're not alone, you really aren't. I've always bonded better with men - maybe it's because I grew up with two older brothers... maybe because my best friend as a kid was my neighbor, a little boy... maybe because my mom doesn't have an inkling of girly girl in her, so neither do I, so I have a hard time relating to most women. As a result, I've seen friendships with most women come and go, except for a few rare ones, who share that non-girly girl, whacky, dorky sense of humor that I have (Suuuuuuuuusan ). Susan and I have been close for eons, but amazingly enough, I met two of my closest friends in my late twenties, so it's never too late... if you keep looking, and trying, I know you'll find women who are on the same level as you, that you will be able to relate to

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

actually that is true! I met a few of my closest girlfriends in college. In my twenties. So i guess its never too late

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

I think I went off on a tangent in my last post - but I just want to reiterate that I feel the same way!! You aren't alone on this one. Your priorities are different now and Ava and JT are your life - the rest of your friends are just along for the ride!

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

Thanks for sharing, girls. It really means a lot to me. I think a lot of this is being magnified because my best friend of the last 7 years is moving across the country next month. It's just hard. So, what I need to do, I guess, is find some manly women to be friends with Just kidding, just kidding.

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

Rach-

We should have a LIF GTG so that you can meet new people!

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

Posted by hmpena

Rach-

We should have a LIF GTG so that you can meet new people!

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

Rachel-- I know how you feel.

I am very blessed to have 4 very dear girlfriends but it was a long road for me and I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

But I have found that there is something in my personality that causes people to think of me like this:

Oh I need something I will call Jamie she will always help out and come running when I need help

Oh I am going to go out with some of my friends tonight-- I am not calling Jamie

I am not sure why this happens. I have wondered often if it was me, something that I put out there in my personality or what.

THe people that have taken the time to know me know that I am one of the most loyal friends that they will ever have but I have had far to many 'friends' turn their backs on me. So to be honest I have been burned enough that it takes a long time to let my guard down and trust people.

But hey Rach-- you know where I live- you've been here-- JT works nights, Frankie works nights- any time you feel lonely if you and pretty Ava want to come over and hang out with D and me you are more than welcome!!!

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

Posted by Jamie

Rachel-- I know how you feel.

I am very blessed to have 4 very dear girlfriends but it was a long road for me and I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

But I have found that there is something in my personality that causes people to think of me like this:

Oh I need something I will call Jamie she will always help out and come running when I need help

Oh I am going to go out with some of my friends tonight-- I am not calling Jamie

I am not sure why this happens. I have wondered often if it was me, something that I put out there in my personality or what.

THe people that have taken the time to know me know that I am one of the most loyal friends that they will ever have but I have had far to many 'friends' turn their backs on me. So to be honest I have been burned enough that it takes a long time to let my guard down and trust people.

But hey Rach-- you know where I live- you've been here-- JT works nights, Frankie works nights- any time you feel lonely if you and pretty Ava want to come over and hang out with D and me you are more than welcome!!!

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

Rachel, I could've written that post myself. Ask DaniRella - I tell her this ALL THE TIME.

I secretly wish to have 2 boys someday because I just don't understand girls/women.

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

I also feel its easier with my guy friends, because if I don't see them for a while, and then we meet up at someone else's party or something, there is no guilt for losing touch or anything. They are very "in the moment" people, which is easier to deal with for me.

Its also with easier with guys, b/c I have had girlfriends in the past, that want you to be just like them, and that never lasts very long for me.

There is nothing wrong with focusing on just the good reationships in your life. It's like weeding out your closet--nice outfit, just not for me anymore. Someone else will love it!

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

Ok..first of all..I feel EXACTLY the same way you do! Most of my best friends are guys, including my first love who has turned out to be one of my VERY best friends. I just feel I can be more open with them for some reason and I feel like I get honest feedback from them. Its something that Ive ALWAYS felt.

Secondly..I also feel that women in one way or another are for the most part competitive and jealous..which in my opnion, goes hand in hand. I cant truly talk to people like that so it makes me shy away.

Third and MOST important..I have told you this MANY times. You have grown to mean the absolute world to me. Every time I have needed you, you have ALWAYS been there for me. You listen to me, you read my drawn out complaints through IM, you offer me advice and share your own personal life experiences with me without EVER judging. You are simply an exceptional person. And although we havent met YET...you are one my dearest friends and I treasure the friendship we have made.

I do agree though..if you feel that certain friendships arent worth having, your at a point in your life, where I am too, where you need to weed them out. My mom always taught me about "toxic" friendships/relationships. It took me a long time to learn this lesson but when I did, I was a much happier person overall.

You my dear, are one of the MOST caring and genuine people I have EVER "met." I usually have a hard time sharing with people but with you, its just easy..no questions ever asked. Maybe its because I am a "manly woman" haha jk...but whatever it may be..I have learned this past year, that you are certainly a person worth getting to know...and if someone else doesnt see that or doesnt let their friendship grow with you..basically they are not worth even questioning!!!!!!!

You know I love you!!!!!!

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

Posted by nycchic24

Ok..first of all..I feel EXACTLY the same way you do! Most of my best friends are guys, including my first love who has turned out to be one of my VERY best friends. I just feel I can be more open with them for some reason and I feel like I get honest feedback from them. Its something that Ive ALWAYS felt.

Secondly..I also feel that women in one way or another are for the most part competitive and jealous..which in my opnion, goes hand in hand. I cant truly talk to people like that so it makes me shy away.

Third and MOST important..I have told you this MANY times. You have grown to mean the absolute world to me. Every time I have needed you, you have ALWAYS been there for me. You listen to me, you read my drawn out complaints through IM, you offer me advice and share your own personal life experiences with me without EVER judging. You are simply an exceptional person. And although we havent met YET...you are one my dearest friends and I treasure the friendship we have made.

I do agree though..if you feel that certain friendships arent worth having, your at a point in your life, where I am too, where you need to weed them out. My mom always taught me about "toxic" friendships/relationships. It took me a long time to learn this lesson but when I did, I was a much happier person overall.

You my dear, are one of the MOST caring and genuine people I have EVER "met." I usually have a hard time sharing with people but with you, its just easy..no questions ever asked. Maybe its because I am a "manly woman" haha jk...but whatever it may be..I have learned this past year, that you are certainly a person worth getting to know...and if someone else doesnt see that or doesnt let their friendship grow with you..basically they are not worth even questioning!!!!!!!

You know I love you!!!!!!

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

I have always found that I get along better with guys than girls. I never like girls when I first meet them, I have to get to know them first. Yeah I had a best friend in high school, but we have since grown apart although we are still friends. I never had that one best friend that I have known forever, now that I'm older I have a few really GREAT friends that I know I will be friends with forever.

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

I feel the same exact way as you. For the majority of my life, most of my closest friends have been guys and I just don't get that close or open up that much with girls that I'm friends with.

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

Ever since I can remember I have been better friends with men than with women. Always. My DH was my best friend for YEARS before we started dating. It just is more natural to me for a lot of what you expressed as well. I am not one to hide or withhold from someone & I feel that men can be way more candid. I also hate the judgemental factor that is often involved between women, whereas men can be more accepting of flaws (if they even acknolwedge them).

I do have some female friends, but the bonds are differnt. I say time is too precious to spend with someone you are constantly analyzing...KWIM?

Re: Friend question. Please come in....

I also think that in this new era of our lives "mommyhood" we're kinda meeting a whole new type of people, and everyone seems to compare notes (at times).. so it makes it awkward for everyone...

I agree that it's not always easy to pinpoint the truly good ones, who will enjoy that cup of coffee and chat and playtime...

Women in general are just harder to figure out (let's ask our hubbies )

I will also say that I have met so many wonderful moms right online, and still keep in touch with many..

You just know who will be around and who wont and who is a genuinely good person...

tangent: I went to F.I.T. and we LOVED when a male was in our classes because we REALLY had someone to talk to BOYYY did the egos of the few straight guys that went there soar all day

Rachel - youre a wonderful person, and dont let anyone make you feel otherwise.

Message edited 4/17/2007 10:03:57 AM.