Feeling remorse over c-section

I hate that I feel this way and the only thing that should matter is that my daughter is here and healthy but I find myself regretting having a c-section.

Two days before my due date, I went for an appointment with my OB. I was only a fingertip dilated. I had slightly elevated blood pressure and some protein in my urine so she sent me over to the hospital to have some testing done (a non-stress test possibly, I don't remember) Went to the hospital and after some testing and a sono, they decided to admit me and induce labor. They said that I was developing preclampsia and that the baby was measuring at 9lbs12oz. and there was no reason to wait.

So I get admitted, they start the medication to induce (cervadil, I think) and I had no progress with that so then they started me on pitocin. I got to 5 cm with the pitocin and then they took me off. They waited 2 hours and I didn't progress any more on my own so they said we had to do a c-section. There was no fetal distress at all, just that I hadn't progressed at all in the two hours since they took me off the pitocin. They said that my body may not be dilating because she was too big to fit through the birth canal and we would end up having to do an emergency c-section. I agreed to the section even though it was the last thing in the world I wanted. My daughter was born at 8lbs7oz, not the almost 10lb child they said I was having.

I am still in pain, 8 weeks later. I regret not asking more questions. The baby wasn't in any danger and neither was I. I feel like I should have been allowed to labor longer. I didn't have the kind of L&D that I was hoping for and it's still on my mind, two months later. And the post that someone put up about having more than 4 c-sections got me thinking. Is the fact that I had a c-section going to factor in to how many kids I can have?

It's stupid, I know. I just never got to attempt to push, to see if I could do it. And I really, really wanted to. Instead, my story is about me vomiting on the operating table and being scared out of my mind.

I love my daughter more than anything and I need this feeling to go away.

Has anyone else felt like this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Re: Feeling remorse over c-section

I have no advice but wanted to offer hugs.

Re: Feeling remorse over c-section

First

I had and still have very raw feelings about my c-section. I don't think a lot of people "get it" but it is how I feel.

I am going to send you some FM! But remember you can try for a v-bac for your next baby if you want.

Re: Feeling remorse over c-section

Ive had 3 c-sections and it still upsets me everyday that i wasnt able to have natural births. I was induced with my 1st dd due to pre eclampsia.. which was under control since i was in the hospital for 2 days before my c/s. They did 1 cervidil and put me on pitocin for 45 min. After nothing happen they said i had to have a c-section. I wanted to experience labor and all the wonderful things ive heard my cousins and friends talk about when they had their babies. I consulted with many drs until i found one who would let me try for a vba2c when i was pregnant with my last. He gave me until 41 weeks and i didnt go into labor on my own so i had to have a 3rd c/s. Its the only way my body would let me have my babies so id take that over nothing at all.

If you do have another baby you can always try for a vbac. My cousin just had a vbac 11 months after her c-section.

Message edited 5/11/2011 11:18:03 PM.

Re: Feeling remorse over c-section

I'm sorry you didn't have the delivery that you had hoped for

Re: Feeling remorse over c-section

I totally understand how you feel. I posted about this a few weeks ago. My first c-section was planned. The second time I was supposed to have a vbac, but I went past my due date, and had a biophysical profile which was not reassuring. Since I had a previous section, I could not be induced, so I had to get another c-section.
3 kids, and I never even went into labor. Never had my water break, never even pushed once.

All my kids are healthy and happy and this is the most important thing, but I am so sad about having 2 sections. It is so bad that I find myself being jealous of friends who had vaginal deliveries, and I can't watch shows like baby story anymore.

Re: Feeling remorse over c-section

Here is another perspective or my experience.

I did have 2 vaginal deliveries, first one in the hospital, second one, at home. No, the one at home was NOT PLANNED!!!

I was 2 weeks early and he came really fast and I ended up giving birth on the flloor of our playroom, here is the birth story if you are interested:

http://www.lifamilies.com/chat/topic.aspx?ID=607861&Highlight=

Well for about 2 months after I felt so stupid, guilty, and ashamed about my experience. How did I not know I was going to give birth so fast? Because of this, I gave birth at 6:45 am, I didn't get to see my son until after 3 pm that day. We have no pictures of when he was first born, I remember being in the ER and everyone congratulating my DH and I was still bleeding, having contractions, they were pushing on my stomach to get the placenta out, still in pain and felt jealous because he was getting all the congratulations. They took my son somewhere, they told me but I was in and out of consciousness from losing so much blood and my husband went with my son.

Then they didn't know what to do with me, so I waited in some room by myself with all the girls who had c-sections waiting to get repaired with no one, I had no idea where my baby was or my husband.

I remembered crying because I was so lonely. Finally a nurse came over and called my DH on his cell phone and told him where I was and I needed him. Plus, all I could think about was my older son, was he traumatized? Did he hear me screaming? Was he wondering where is Mommy was?

If you read my birth story, he didn't even wake up, and I THANK GOD for that everyday. Everything turned out fine, but the reactions I get from people made it worse. Like, how could you not know the baby was coming so fast? I felt stupid and dumb.

So, if I decide to have another one, my booty will be sitting at Star Bucks in the lobby of Stony Brook hospital if I even feel a twinge.

Let me tell you, pushing SUCKS!!!!!!! I pushed for 2 hrs with my first and then 15 minutes with my 2nd and it HURTS!!!!!! I can't even explain the pain.

Re: Feeling remorse over c-section

Sending hugs and prayers you make your peace with this and can just enjoy your baby. (I had to do the same with being unable to BF because of supply issues; I felt like such a failure as a mom and cried, destroyed, and miserable for days.)

Re: Feeling remorse over c-section

I am so sorry you are feeling like this I was feeling very similar. I am pretty sure my twins are going to be my only babies so I was very upset that I didn't get to experience labor and even worse that I had to be put under during my c-section. I missed my children being born something I dreamed about for such a long time. After they were born I would get upset from time to time and I couldn't watch shows like the baby story because it would make me cry. I was so upset that the birth of my children was nothing like I thought it would be. Then my sisters friend lost her baby at 38 weeks. It put everything into perspective for me. I am very lucky to have 2 health babies and in the end that is all that matters. The moment my sister told me the news my outlook changed.

You will get there! and like the pps said maybe you can have vbac for you next baby!

Re: Feeling remorse over c-section

I'm sorry you are feeling down about this.

You made decisions based on what your doctors told you-there is nothing wrong with that and you shouldn't feel guilty at all. I wonder if the hormonal changes you are going through are playing a role in this, making you feel worse-you shouldn't.

You have a lovely, healthy baby. How she got from your belly to your arms doesn't matter a bit

Re: Feeling remorse over c-section

It's really, really hard. I was in a similar situation but my OBs even refused to induce, they said it was c-section or wait to see what happened. I opted for the elective c-section. Instead of the 10lb baby they were predicting, DS was born at 7 lbs 12 oz (granted, he had a huge head, but still )

It took me a very, very long time to get over it. I knew almost instantly that I would attempt a VBAC for my next pregnancy.

I literally had to mourn my birth experience, and luckily I had a very easy and successful VBAC which definitely helped with the healing process.

I also found a new OB practice, and learned to really speak up and fight for myself and what I felt was right for me and my baby. As a first time mom, I didn't do NEARLY enough research on the birth process and let my doctor lead me blindly. I corrected that mistake the 2nd time.

Give yourself time to heal mentally and emotionally. It will happen

ETA: I agree with Katie. I really think that people who are lucky enough to have had all vaginal briths really don't get it. I welcomed the pain of pushing, I was SO excited to give birth vaginally, the rush of emotions I felt were indescribable. I'd do it again 20 times.

Message edited 5/12/2011 8:22:22 AM.

Re: Feeling remorse over c-section

Re: Feeling remorse over c-section

I'm with you. I wasn't even awake when I had mine; I needed to be knocked out b/c they needed to get her out fast. I was (and am) really sad about the whole thing. Same as Janice, I didn't get to see my baby for hours. It initially made BFing harder. Recovery was not fun.

What killed me is that I knew all the stats going in. So I did everything in my power to try for natural birth: I had a midwife, took my natural childbirth classes and prenatal yoga... I was set. WRONG!

I admit it drives me a little crazy when people say, "The only thing that matters is that the baby is healthy." Obviously, she's the most important... but my feelings should matter, too.

You are not alone!