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babyfaith
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DH Not on Board for IVF
DH and I had a serious IVF discussion last night and he is not on board with going ahead for this summer. He gave lots of reasons including the fact that it's unnatural, there are risks to the baby, risks for me, etc. He even said that he's not sure he wants kids at all and maybe this is not meant to be for us. I am so upset. We have unexplained IF and have done 5 failed IUI cycles (4 medicated and 1 natural). At this point I do not want to go through anymore medicated IUI's, especially after having 2 chemicals and OHSS. I was really hoping to do IVF this summer since I am not working but I don't think I can do this without his full support.
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Posted 6/3/08 8:29 AM  |
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quasi3
LIF Adult
Member since 7/07 1764 total posts
Name:
Stacey
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
I am so sorry your dh feels like this. Hopefully your Dh will come around.....he just is very scared for you.
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| Posted 6/3/08 8:31 AM |
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BA2008
Need to find some hope!
Member since 2/08 2485 total posts
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Beth -Ann
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
I am so sorry you have to deal with this problem. I have to admit most men are not on board with IVF in the beginning. It takes them a while to understand it. I wish I had some great advice for you. I guess just give him time. They get scared too (though we think they don't). My DH wasn't on board either in the beginning (we're on our 2nd round of IVF). I don't think he still understands it to be honest. All this is so hard. Maybe he just needs a little break.
Here are some  that everything will work out the way you want it to.
We are here for you.
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| Posted 6/3/08 8:36 AM |
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fullofhope
LIF Zygote
Member since 5/08 39 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
First of all
My DH kinda felt the same way at first. I know it all seems so scary but a lot of it sounds worse than it is.
I told DH that it's like when you get a prescription when your sick and you read all the possible side effects. It sounds bad but the good it does outweighs the bad. Not all the possible risks will happen.
What helped was making an apointment with DH to talk with the doctors. It was more reassuring to him.
I'm sure you DH is just scared and worried about you.
I hope that he will feel differently. You're right that doing it this summer while you're not working would be ideal - no stress! But it is hard to do without full support.
I hope he comes around. Give him time, talk it out.
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| Posted 6/3/08 8:40 AM |
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CAH127
LIF Adult
Member since 7/07 1694 total posts
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
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| Posted 6/3/08 8:47 AM |
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SweetTooth
I'm a tired mommy!
Member since 12/05 20105 total posts
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Lauren
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
Maybe he needs more information. Will he be willing to go to the IVF class with you?
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| Posted 6/3/08 8:49 AM |
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babyfaith
Onward and Upward!
Member since 2/08 3210 total posts
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
Posted by SweetTooth
Maybe he needs more information. Will he be willing to go to the IVF class with you?
I mentioned the classes being offered this month at LI IVF and at first he was against going but then he asked when they were. I think I could convince him to at least go to the class. I tried to explain the process to him but I think he needs to hear it from a professional.
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| Posted 6/3/08 8:52 AM |
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fullofhope13
Please stay little one
Member since 2/08 1158 total posts
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Helen
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
I hope he comes around and everything works out for you.
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| Posted 6/3/08 9:02 AM |
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JennyPenny
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Member since 1/08 12702 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
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| Posted 6/3/08 9:11 AM |
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MrsMessina
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
i can tell you first hand that I know the pain that you're going thru. My DH was 100% against IVF... but for religious reasons. It took me over a year of reminding him that if it's not meant to be, then IVF won't work either (putting it in perspective to him that it's God's will - knowing that was the only way I may get thru to him).
Why does your DH think it's not natural? It's your egg, and his sperm. They just meet outside of your body. My DH wasn't on board either until he heard the dr. tell us that it was IVF or nothing... and I don't even think it was that, it was the breakdown that I had in the car on the way home from the dr.... sobbing so uncontrolably because I thought we were done since there was no chance of getting thru to him w/ IVF. IUI's were too risky for me as I hyperstimulated the first time and responded too well and had to have my cycle cancelled... my dr told me I could do 100 more and have the same outcomes.
Does he realize that IUIs are risky for you as well- were you doing injectables w/ your IUIs? I'm sorry you're going thru this. I know what it does to your relationship w/ DH... it's a true test. I couldn't look at my husband the same way for quite a while after I felt that we were at totally opposite ends of the spectrum, when we were supposed to be a team and in this together.
Message edited 6/3/2008 9:43:32 AM.
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| Posted 6/3/08 9:22 AM |
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Daisy32
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
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| Posted 6/3/08 9:29 AM |
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babyfaith
Onward and Upward!
Member since 2/08 3210 total posts
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
Posted by MrsMessina
i can tell you first hand that I know the pain that you're going thru. My DH was 100% against IVF... but for religious reasons. It took me over a year of reminding him that if it's not meant to be, then IVF won't work either (putting it in perspective to him that it's God's will - knowing that was the only way I may get thru to him).
Why does your DH think it's not natural? It's your egg, and his sperm. They just meet outside of your body. My DH wasn't on board either until he heard the dr. tell us that it was IVF or nothing... and I don't even think it was that, it was the breakdown that I had in the car on the way home from the dr.... sobbing so uncontrolably because I thought we were done since there was no chance of getting thru to him w/ IVF. IUI's were too risky for me as I hyperstimulated the first time and responded too well and had to have my cycle cancelled... my dr told me I could do 100 more and have the same outcomes.
Does he realize that IUIs are risky for you as well- were you doing injectables w/ your IUIs? I'm sorry you're going thru this. I know what it does to your relationship w/ DH... it's a true test. I couldn't look at my husband the same way for quite a while after I felt that we were at totally opposite ends of the spectrum, when we were supposed to be a team and in this together.
Thank you for sharing and I remember that you struggled with this issue with your DH as well. For my DH, it's not a relgious issue. He is 41 years old and very set in his ways of thinking. He is accustomed to living life without children and thinks that if this is the length we have to go to, it's not meant to be. He saw me suffer through OHSS and the side effects of Clomid and injections. I, for one, do not want to go through it again without a better chance of getting and staying PG. He is also afraid of multiples and so am I. I agree with him that if we did IVF, we would probably only put back 1.
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| Posted 6/3/08 9:56 AM |
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MrsRbk
<3 <3 <3 <3
Member since 1/06 19197 total posts
Name:
Michelle
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
My DH is also over 40, and he too wanted to just continue with IUI's. He may just need to hear it from the doctor. That was how things came around for us. After my last failed IUI in December, we sat with the doctor and talked percentages (my husband is an actuary, so he likes to hear numbers). The doctor explained to him about the IVF process and my DH was on board before we even left the office.
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| Posted 6/3/08 10:09 AM |
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DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
Posted by babyfaith
Posted by MrsMessina
i can tell you first hand that I know the pain that you're going thru. My DH was 100% against IVF... but for religious reasons. It took me over a year of reminding him that if it's not meant to be, then IVF won't work either (putting it in perspective to him that it's God's will - knowing that was the only way I may get thru to him).
Why does your DH think it's not natural? It's your egg, and his sperm. They just meet outside of your body. My DH wasn't on board either until he heard the dr. tell us that it was IVF or nothing... and I don't even think it was that, it was the breakdown that I had in the car on the way home from the dr.... sobbing so uncontrolably because I thought we were done since there was no chance of getting thru to him w/ IVF. IUI's were too risky for me as I hyperstimulated the first time and responded too well and had to have my cycle cancelled... my dr told me I could do 100 more and have the same outcomes.
Does he realize that IUIs are risky for you as well- were you doing injectables w/ your IUIs? I'm sorry you're going thru this. I know what it does to your relationship w/ DH... it's a true test. I couldn't look at my husband the same way for quite a while after I felt that we were at totally opposite ends of the spectrum, when we were supposed to be a team and in this together.
Thank you for sharing and I remember that you struggled with this issue with your DH as well. For my DH, it's not a relgious issue. He is 41 years old and very set in his ways of thinking. He is accustomed to living life without children and thinks that if this is the length we have to go to, it's not meant to be. He saw me suffer through OHSS and the side effects of Clomid and injections. I, for one, do not want to go through it again without a better chance of getting and staying PG. He is also afraid of multiples and so am I. I agree with him that if we did IVF, we would probably only put back 1.
I can totally sympathize as my DH felt the same way. I can tell you the one thing that helped was going to a few consults with him and having him be an active participant in choosing our Dr and our clinic. He hated LI IVF and Dr Droesch, hated SIRM, loved our Dr(Dr Ruman at RMANY) For two years we went through 3 ectopics(that we didn't know were ectopics) and 1 chemical and lots of heartache. Once I had an ectopic that caused me to have emergency surgery and the 3 most painful days of my life on my birthday no less, we decided we would try naturally with my remaining tube for 3 months and then move to IVF.
At first he only wanted to do one. We were self pay though and i was really uneasy about that. I took 10,000 out of my IRA and we really didn't have that kind of money anywhere else. We hd already spent $20,000 seeing other specialists. Ultimately even after we did our consults he still wanted to put back one. I don't think its a bad idea if you have insurance. If you don't...I would NEVER. But its a totally personal decision. I think if you put it to your DH like-this is so important to me and I can't go through the heartache of failed IUI anymore. Please be my partner in this, he would come around.
Ultimately my DH said he could not make the decision about 1 or 2 because if 1 didn't work I would resent him. He was probably right. Instead I think he is the most wonderful thing EVER now! Our 1st IVF did work and we are pregnant with twins and we are BOTH really excited. He got used to it pretty quickly. I wsih you the best of luck. I know how stressful it can be. Sorry for the book!
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| Posted 6/3/08 10:49 AM |
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Carolyn
.....
Member since 5/07 5351 total posts
Name:
Twin mommy
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
I hope everything works out for you.
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| Posted 6/3/08 10:58 AM |
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rmdrn125
LIF Toddler
Member since 5/07 497 total posts
Name:
mom mom
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
 My DH hit me with that after our 2nd failed IVF attemept. I toatally feel for you. We had a huge fight and i just went about making appts.. After meeting with the new RE he is completely on boeard.. We have a 4 yr. old so he tried to use the "maybe we are only meant to have one " argument and i just stuck to my guns.. Give him some time this whole process is so overwhelming and from what I've read a lot of the husbands seem to shut down first and then they come around.. Give him time, things happen for a reason.
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| Posted 6/3/08 10:59 AM |
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babyfaith
Onward and Upward!
Member since 2/08 3210 total posts
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
Thank you so much ladies. It helps to know my DH is not the only one with cold feet. It's scary enough for me wrap my head around the idea of IVF and I just wish I didn't have to deal with coaxing him on top of it. We have an appointment to see my therapist together tonight. I am hoping it helps.
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| Posted 6/3/08 11:09 AM |
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Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A
Member since 7/05 32475 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
DH wants a guarantee that we won't have twins. He says if they can't guarantee it then he doesn't want to do it.
Ok, then we won't have any kids...
he always puts his fear out there and thinks it's law. It's unreasonable to ask for a guarantee. Frankly there's no guarantee at having 1!
Even naturally, there's a chance of twins. There's no guarantee.
I told him that I have old eggs and the chances are very slim.
He still has no idea what we may be facing. I have some idea.
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| Posted 6/3/08 11:33 AM |
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babyfaith
Onward and Upward!
Member since 2/08 3210 total posts
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
Posted by Blu-ize
DH wants a guarantee that we won't have twins. He says if they can't guarantee it then he doesn't want to do it.
Ok, then we won't have any kids...
he always puts his fear out there and thinks it's law. It's unreasonable to ask for a guarantee. Frankly there's no guarantee at having 1!
Even naturally, there's a chance of twins. There's no guarantee.
I told him that I have old eggs and the chances are very slim.
He still has no idea what we may be facing. I have some idea.
I think your DH and my DH would get along well. 
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| Posted 6/3/08 11:38 AM |
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Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A
Member since 7/05 32475 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
frankly, I wouldn't mind twins..I don't wish for them but it would nice for them to have each other.
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| Posted 6/3/08 11:50 AM |
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MrsRbk
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Member since 1/06 19197 total posts
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Michelle
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
Even if you did a 1 embryo transfer with IVF, there is still a small chance of twins!
Look at that woman a few months back who did that and ended up with triplets!
Anything is possible, and there are absoltuley no garuntees when it comes to any of this!
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| Posted 6/3/08 11:53 AM |
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babyquestion
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
I am sorry that you are going through this My advice is to try and get him to go to the class. It might open his eyes a bit more. Good luck!
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| Posted 6/3/08 12:14 PM |
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DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
Posted by babyquestion
I am sorry that you are going through this My advice is to try and get him to go to the class. It might open his eyes a bit more. Good luck!
See I disagree. I think the class (meaning injection class?) will scare him more than anything. It all seems very complicated and while my clinic gave us a private class that is where you have to sign all your consent froms and it talks about risks one of which is death from OHSS! Obviously that RARELY happens and you are monitored so closely..
I would tell him you want him to be as comfortable as possible and go on a few consults. Have him address his concerns with a DR.
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| Posted 6/3/08 1:11 PM |
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babyfaith
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Member since 2/08 3210 total posts
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
Posted by melijane
Posted by babyquestion
I am sorry that you are going through this My advice is to try and get him to go to the class. It might open his eyes a bit more. Good luck!
See I disagree. I think the class (meaning injection class?) will scare him more than anything. It all seems very complicated and while my clinic gave us a private class that is where you have to sign all your consent froms and it talks about risks one of which is death from OHSS! Obviously that RARELY happens and you are monitored so closely..
I would tell him you want him to be as comfortable as possible and go on a few consults. Have him address his concerns with a DR.
DH never went the injection class with me when I started doing injections with IUI. He watched the DVD and handled it quite well. He had no problems with the needles or giving me the shots. I don't think that part of it scares him.
He doesn't like the idea that surgery is involved and anesthesia. He mentioned me dying (poor guy must really want me around for him). But he is also very worried about a child having problems beccause we are "forcing nature". Unfortunately he knows of people who ended up with quads from IVF and a woman who has a special needs child from IVF.
ETA: We have spoken to our RE recently about IVF and DH expressed some of his concerns then but I think his issues run deeper than can be discussed in a 15 minute meeting with the doc. This is why I am hoping our session with my therapist goes well tonight. She specializes in infertility issues.
Message edited 6/3/2008 1:24:26 PM.
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| Posted 6/3/08 1:21 PM |
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LaurenExp
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Re: DH Not on Board for IVF
Has he been to a consult with your doctor? My DH's head was spinning (as was mine) by the end of the IVF consult. I was almost ready to throw in the towel, nevermind DH!
Honestly and truthfully, it is so much more of a hassle for the woman than the man. And really, it wasn't THAT bad.
If its the "I'm too old to change my ways and have a kid" then that's another argument. If its all the "work" involved in IVF, I can tell you first hand that it seems like much more work than it actually is. I think that once he realizes that its really not that much of a hassle, and its you doing all the dirty work, then maybe he'll come around.
Lots of luck to you
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| Posted 6/3/08 1:21 PM |
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