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sadgirl08
LIF Zygote
Member since 2/08 6 total posts
Name:
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Anonymous.... mother needs help....
yes, I am posting under a fake name....
I am a mess and I guess I need to vent. I can already anticipate the responses to this, which almost makes me not want to post.
The issues are that my husband is a compulsive lair & quite honestly, a terrible husband & father. He goes out 2-4 nights a week with his single friends, he goes to strip clubs, he comes home at 4 am. He has never fed our DD ONE meal, never taken her out for a walk, never done anything with her. She is 11 months old. He has never even put her to bed.
I work full time, 40 hours a week & do everything for the baby. He owns his own company & works about 2-3 days a week. He goes out for expensive dinners & leaves me home alone. he buys $400 shoes then yells at me for spending $100 at walmart on formula.
we had a huge fight 2 weeks ago & it got ugly. The police were called. Though I did not ask for it, nor did I choose to press charges, he was arrested & I was granted a restraining order. And no - he did not hit me. He just acted like an animal. He was charged with disorderly conduct. They arrested him for being an a$$hole to his wife, basically.
After 9 days, he had a court date & he (thru his lawyer, his mother & EVERYONE else) begged me to drop the restraining order. He said he was going to grow up, he promised to go to marriage counseling, blah blah blah. So I went to court & had it removed so he could come home.
He was home for less than 48 hours when he said he was "going snowmobiling with the boys." He hasn't seen his baby in over a week yet he chooses to go to away?
He SWORE he's be home by Friday night. Then he claimed they were "snowed in'" Then, on the way home, "the truck broke down." you get the picture.
So I called the place I know he uses to rent his snowmobile. The girl told me he hadn't returned his sled yet. He was out on the trails while telling me they were on the side of the road broken down.
He came home at midnight on Saturday and refused to admit he lied.
Now I go online & check our joint bank account which is our SAVINGS ONLY and I see that he took out over $2K to go snowmobiling. Also, today is Feb 4th & he hasn't paid the rent yet.
Obviously, I have to throw this piece of sh!t out. I just don't know how. He doesn't care about anyone but himself.
he is supposed to go tonight to meet with the marriage counselor by himself. I am tempted to pack his things while he is gone.
Message edited 2/4/2008 3:12:09 PM.
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Posted 2/4/08 3:05 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
Matteos-mommy
Can't believe I'm 2
Member since 12/07 1260 total posts
Name:
L.
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Wow that's tough. I would agree that its time for him to go. You have to ask yourself if you're prepared for that.....or do you think marriage counseling could work? Your husband has to want to change...it seems like he's not ready to grow up and face that he has a family. For your DDs sake I hope he does soon.  
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:12 PM |
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vegalady
Love my family
Member since 6/06 4546 total posts
Name:
SNV
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Wow. You are dealing with way way way too much. This is not good. There is no way in heck I would stand for this. He needs to either agree to see the counselor weekly and make IMMEDIATE changes, he also needs to take more responsibility in caring for his child. Starting NOW. And if he doesnt give him the boot. I know its easier said than done but it looks like you are so over it already. I wish the best of luck. 
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:12 PM |
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bicosi
life is a carousel
Member since 7/07 14956 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I just want to give you hugs!! This must be so difficult for you!!
Throw his a$$ out! Do you have family that you can turn to for support?
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:12 PM |
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LInative
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 1977 total posts
Name:
Cassie
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I am so very sorry you're going through this. Do you have family nearby who can help you? You are going to need all the support you can get to take these next steps, but as you know you are doing the right thing. I might start by changing the locks...tell him to enjoy his trip because he has no place to come home to. I am so sorry. I really commend you for taking action, I know it is probably the hardest thing you've ever had to do.
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:13 PM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
wow, I am so sorry that the man who vowed to love and honor you is acting like this. I think you know what you need to do but the question is, are you strong enough to do it? I think you need to tell him to kick rocks, pack up his **** and leave it outside for him
it is obvious that he has no respect for your union and he does not deserve you
I am SO SORRY that you are going through this
fm me anytime if you need to vent 
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:13 PM |
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CathyB
Member since 5/05 19403 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Don't be embarrassed, and don't worry about what people might post.
You said yourself that you know what you need to do. I can only imagine how hard it is/was to come to that decision, and now to have to act on it is even harder. But you and your dd deserve better treatment and some stability. Being a working mom is very hard, and you've pretty much been a single parent the past 11 months. You can do this, you have been doing it, just with a financial & emotional drain attached to you.
Things will get better once you are able to get that stress out of your life. If you want to vent feel free to FM.
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:15 PM |
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sadgirl08
LIF Zygote
Member since 2/08 6 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Posted by bicosi
I just want to give you hugs!! This must be so difficult for you!!
Throw his a$$ out! Do you have family that you can turn to for support?
My family is in another state but his family is in the same town & they are all on my side. his mother isn't speaking to him over this & his sisters hate him right now. Everyone has told him how wrong he is & he just laughs.
he's 30 years old by the way. Its not like we're 19
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:15 PM |
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krashnburn
I am Batman!
Member since 5/05 4093 total posts
Name:
I'm Batman, I tell you!
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Is really all I can offer you. And to say that if you do choose to seperate, see if you can put a freeze on that bank account, because if he took out $2 to go snowmobiling, if you throw him out, there may be nothing in there the next time you look. If he's that irresponsible, protect your interests before he has the chance to do something worse. But I hope for everyone's sake, you guys are able to work it out without any other major problems.
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:17 PM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Posted by sadgirl08
Everyone has told him how wrong he is & he just laughs.
he's 30 years old by the way. Its not like we're 19
see if he is laughing when you divorce his sorry ***....I am sorry but if what you are saying is true, he is beyond help
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:17 PM |
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nbc188
Best friends!
Member since 12/06 23090 total posts
Name:
C
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:17 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Posted by vegalady
Wow. You are dealing with way way way too much. This is not good. There is no way in heck I would stand for this. He needs to either agree to see the counselor weekly and make IMMEDIATE changes, he also needs to take more responsibility in caring for his child. Starting NOW. And if he doesnt give him the boot. I know its easier said than done but it looks like you are so over it already. I wish the best of luck.
ITA. One issue I would insist on is taking over the finances.
I would also add that while he is working on marriage counseling...
I would be copying the info on his business. Owning your own business makes it very easy to scew the other person during a divorce. Even the nicest person gets nasty when it comes to splitting $ in an difficult situation.
If it helps at all, I know a guy that sounds just like your husband in terms of still playing with the "guys". He lies to his wife, goes snowmobiling or out on the boat, etc. Their marriage has worked as well as it did because she gave him the # she needs to run the house & her expenses (which included her own investments). He is there for family events - and she hands the kids off to him when she needs a break. Eventually they reconnected, but he still lies to her about going out. Not my type of guy at all & I don't think I could put up with it, but she can & they seem happy.
Message edited 2/4/2008 3:20:49 PM.
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:20 PM |
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jerseypanda
Life is good.
Member since 1/07 9164 total posts
Name:
Amanda
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
First of all... to you for what you are going through. I am going to give you my gut instinct with the disclaimer that I have never been in this situation so this is just an outsider's perspective.
Upon reading your post, my heart just completely goes out to you. My honest opinion is that he needs to go. Now. He was in jail for a week. He came back and spent $2000 of your savings on a snowmobiling trip??? 
If spending a week in jail for his behavior didn't make him stop to think about what he needs to do for his family, I'm not sure anything will.
It's one thing if it were just you and him. You could probably put up with it for a bit longer. But now you have your DD to think about. You have to do what's right for the 2 of you and honestly, it seems like he is not helping matters.
I will keep you in my thoughts that you are able to make a decision that will be good for both you and DD.
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:21 PM |
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Bklyngrl
luvmyfamily
Member since 9/06 5307 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
i'm so sorry this is happening to you. Def protect your interests - put your savings in your own account before he has a chance to get to them. you and your DD will need it. i hope he does go get help soon
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:21 PM |
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ckone
LIF Adult
Member since 8/06 3014 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Obviously you know what you need to do. I am so very sorry that you are in this situation. I would like to guess that he wasn't much different while you were dating or before you had your child.
Of course you feel bad because you don't want your child to be without a dad but he's not there now anyway. As for his mom, lawyer, etc. let them take him in.
It''s up to you if you see that you can work through this. Things will not change overnight and might never change. You have to ask yourself how long you want to give more of yourself.
There appears to be a lack of respect towards you and that will really beat you down. You don't have to be hit to be abused.
I hope whatever you chose - you are safe. And remember you are not obligated to drop anything (restaining order) in the future. If you do throw him out, be prepared to be harrassed, change your locks and build a support system around you. You might even want to think about moving somewhere else.
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:22 PM |
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Aga
hello baby Albert
Member since 9/05 7750 total posts
Name:
Aga
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
oh my gosh, I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time... just wanted to offer some hugs
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:23 PM |
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CunningOne
***
Member since 5/05 26975 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
So sorry Sounds like you have the right intentions, to just let him go. I do believe in doing everything you can to work it out, although both sides have to want it to work. Sounds like he doesn't.
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:23 PM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Do you want to stay in this? I think its really up to you now and what you want. Its easy for anyone to say leave him but maybe you want to work things out...I dont know. Couples counseling is a good solution. Why were you not going with him tonite? I think you should be there to VENT away at him. His behavior is absolutely unacceptable and immature. I think it needs to be know in a private forum you, him and a counselor.
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:24 PM |
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bicosi
life is a carousel
Member since 7/07 14956 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Posted by sadgirl08
Posted by bicosi
I just want to give you hugs!! This must be so difficult for you!!
Throw his a$$ out! Do you have family that you can turn to for support?
My family is in another state but his family is in the same town & they are all on my side. his mother isn't speaking to him over this & his sisters hate him right now. Everyone has told him how wrong he is & he just laughs.
he's 30 years old by the way. Its not like we're 19
UGH. that's not easy but I guess it does make things easlier that his family sees that this is wrong and his behavior is unacceptable.
Are you ready to fully leave him?
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:24 PM |
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sadgirl08
LIF Zygote
Member since 2/08 6 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Posted by ckone
I would like to guess that he wasn't much different while you were dating or before you had your child.
Actually, he was great until the baby arrived. He used to be a gentleman. Then it all went downhill. He started acting like he was from the movie Goodfellas. Its like a switch went off.
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:26 PM |
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sadgirl08
LIF Zygote
Member since 2/08 6 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Posted by PrincessP
Do you want to stay in this? I think its really up to you now and what you want. Its easy for anyone to say leave him but maybe you want to work things out...I dont know. Couples counseling is a good solution. Why were you not going with him tonite? I think you should be there to VENT away at him. His behavior is absolutely unacceptable and immature. I think it needs to be know in a private forum you, him and a counselor.
we went together once. Then I went alone the other day. Tonight is his chance to go alone. Then we go back together
The marriage counselor has been very grim and frank with me. he basically told me that chances of DH changing are very slim.
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:27 PM |
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Ang-Rich
Beyond Compare
Member since 5/05 17988 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this...you and your DD deserve so much better.
I think that you know what do - it's just a matter of how and when. My advice would be to thik carefully - plan it out...put money aside...take care of you and your daughter before doing anything. Don't let him have the chance to take the money and run.
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:28 PM |
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karacg
Babygirl is 4!
Member since 5/05 17076 total posts
Name:
Kara®
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Ask yourself --- are you better off with him, or without him?
I think you know the answer.
Do what you have to do, you will be OK.
I've been through a divorce - he was a liar and an alcoholic and a cheater, and refused to grow up. It was difficult, but I made it through.
It's amazing to me now that I put up with his stuff for as long as I did - and that marriage does NOT have to be like that, and you CAN and DESERVE to be happy.
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:29 PM |
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lvdolphins
My Loves!
Member since 5/05 46292 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:32 PM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Posted by sadgirl08
Posted by PrincessP
Do you want to stay in this? I think its really up to you now and what you want. Its easy for anyone to say leave him but maybe you want to work things out...I dont know. Couples counseling is a good solution. Why were you not going with him tonite? I think you should be there to VENT away at him. His behavior is absolutely unacceptable and immature. I think it needs to be know in a private forum you, him and a counselor.
we went together once. Then I went alone the other day. Tonight is his chance to go alone. Then we go back together
The marriage counselor has been very grim and frank with me. he basically told me that chances of DH changing are very slim.
I hope he is saying this in front of dh so dh knows the reality of this.
Do you think he thinks you will ever leave him? Maybe you both need a break. Are you living here in NY? where does your family live? I mean what are you going to do if he doesnt pay the rent like you had said?
Is there anything specific I or anyone on here can do for you? Your story sounds really sad and it breaks my heart to see a father be so inconsiderate to his wife and neglectful to a baby. If you need anything please FM me.
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:33 PM |
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