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Hoping4Baby11
Live life to the fullest!,
Member since 1/11 2140 total posts
Name:
Jenn
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Advice Please!! -** Update**
I decided to post this here for some advice. As you all read about my horrible shower update. I want to know what you would do in this situation.
Mom wants to a shower with just family on 6/21. My Shower is 6/23. I will be 30 weeks pregnant by then and not sure right now how I am going to feel. Do I make a stand and not go? And say too much stuff going on I only want one shower and if you can come great and if not I will see you another time, or just go anyways? Tossed by this. DH made this point to me. Since it all boiled down to money with my shower on 6/23. So hurt crushed and confused about this. I just don't know what to do or think anymore... I can't just have anymore stress in my life!
**Update**
After some careful and considerable thinking I have decided that 2 separate parties might be more sufficent. While it's sad that I do have to separate the families, sometimes there are people who just don't get along and don't see eye to eye. While this whole shower was about money and couldn't be divded down the middle like originally planned to do. I think I need to have it handled this way. I don't want a feud to break out during my shower and want everything to be wonderful! I will go along with the original plan with letting my parents/family have the shower/dinner party for me. And I will have the big shower on the that Sunday. Sad that this is what it has come to, but being that history has repeated itself from my bridal shower with the same issue I think this will be best. DH and I have been aguring over this and it's not worth the fight between us..I can't be stressed and it's no good for the babies. And I don't want to fight with my family over this. And the stress is no good for anyone else either. So this is my final decision I have made about this, I know both will be great and it would of been nice to have it all in one but this is the best solution possible for everyone.
Message edited 5/24/2013 9:35:53 AM.
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Posted 5/23/13 12:19 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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SLPlady1984
She's here!
Member since 6/12 1207 total posts
Name:
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Re: Advice Please!!
Is it possible at this point to save all some aggrivation to tell ur mom to invite her 5 people and don't worry about the cost. I mean 5 people shouldn't break the bank and then ur mom can have nothing to say and ur mil and dh can do what they want and u don't have to tire urself out. My shower was last sat and it kicked my @ss. I was 30 weeks and sooooo tired the night of and the next day. To have 2 on parties back to back days would have killed me
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| Posted 5/23/13 12:29 PM |
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Hoping4Baby11
Live life to the fullest!,
Member since 1/11 2140 total posts
Name:
Jenn
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Re: Advice Please!!
Thanks for your input..I think she doesn't even want to be around my MIL. So that's the problem. But I think having 2 parties back to back is going to be too much for me. Plus on 6/21 we are having the last min work done on our house from Sandy and need to stay there until they are done and pay them. I think by then it will be too much for me being that I will be in 3rd trimester and 30 weeks.
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| Posted 5/23/13 12:39 PM |
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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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Re: Advice Please!!
I don't get it- your mom would make you a shower and you would 'take a stand' and not go? She doesn't have to make you anything at all.
You keep saying how you don't want to be involved but you keep involving yourself. Just let anyone who wants to throw you a party, throw you one, and just show up and be happy.
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| Posted 5/23/13 12:50 PM |
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blu6385
Member since 5/08 8351 total posts
Name:
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Re: Advice Please!!
Posted by PennyCat
I don't get it- your mom would make you a shower and you would 'take a stand' and not go? She doesn't have to make you anything at all.
You keep saying how you don't want to be involved but you keep involving yourself. Just let anyone who wants to throw you a party, throw you one, and just show up and be happy.
I kind of agree with this. I think you are overthinking it and making it more than it needs to be. You want to make a stand to your mother and in the long run risk you too fighting and not talking then thats fine dont go.
I honestly cant see it being too much esp. at 5 person party i dont think you will be really do much more than just sitting there talking.
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| Posted 5/23/13 12:53 PM |
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alli3131
Peanut is here!!!!!!
Member since 5/09 18388 total posts
Name:
Allison
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Re: Advice Please!!
Posted by PennyCat
I don't get it- your mom would make you a shower and you would 'take a stand' and not go? She doesn't have to make you anything at all.
You keep saying how you don't want to be involved but you keep involving yourself. Just let anyone who wants to throw you a party, throw you one, and just show up and be happy.
This. I think you are causing drama by saying I'm not going. Just go and be happy that people want to celebrate you and the babies.
I had two showers and had to go to my sisters shower all within 7 days. I was fine.
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| Posted 5/23/13 12:54 PM |
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jessnbrian
Only God knows His plan for us
Member since 4/13 7238 total posts
Name:
Jessica
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Advice Please!!
I think that your mom has put you in a difficult position, it seems that you have attempted to stay out of it but that your mother has pulled you in. I agree that at this point it's probably just less stress to sort of throw up your hands and let what's going to happen happen and just go to the parties.
My other recommendation would be that when your mother starts in on any plans, complaining, etc, ask her to stop talking about it. If that doesn't work, walk away. Just because she's not happen doesn't mean you have to let her take you there too... Misery always loves company!
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| Posted 5/23/13 1:02 PM |
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MandJZ
Time for Baby #2!
Member since 8/10 4194 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: Advice Please!!
I do agree with some of the others. I understand this has been filled with drama and you are a bit hurt by your mother, but at the same time you are now being offered two separate showers/get-togethers to celebrate you and your babies. There is a day in between to rest so I think you will be fine. Let your DH and his side throw you the big shower, and go enjoy the small, more intimate one with your own side. I think both sound lovely.
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| Posted 5/23/13 1:04 PM |
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AScottWolf
I <3 our squish!
Member since 11/10 2237 total posts
Name:
Adriana
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Re: Advice Please!!
Posted by blu6385
Posted by PennyCat
I don't get it- your mom would make you a shower and you would 'take a stand' and not go? She doesn't have to make you anything at all.
You keep saying how you don't want to be involved but you keep involving yourself. Just let anyone who wants to throw you a party, throw you one, and just show up and be happy.
I kind of agree with this. I think you are overthinking it and making it more than it needs to be. You want to make a stand to your mother and in the long run risk you too fighting and not talking then thats fine dont go.
I honestly cant see it being too much esp. at 5 person party i dont think you will be really do much more than just sitting there talking.
This.
I'm involved with planning my shower but it's mainly because my mom isn't too computer savy and i'm taking care of finding the invites, some decor and ordering my thank you's (which i'll pay for) at the same time.
However, there def was drama in the beginning and I won't be surprised if it pops up again.
At one point my mom was thinking about having a shower just for our side of the family to avoid all the drama (it would be about 25 people though, not 5). In the end i'm having 1 shower with about 60 people invited.
However, if I EVER told my mom "i'm not going" to make a point I think she would slap me for the 2nd time in my entire life. I think you'd be causing more harm then good taking that kind of stance. And if I said to her, "if you come you come, if not that's ok" she' probably slap me on the other cheek lol. Honestly, i wouldn't blame her.
At this point, just say, "Whatever everyone wants to do is fine" and let it be.
As for being too tired, my shower will be at 34w and I have a family members bridal shower (i'm in the bridal party) the following day. Will I be exhausted. YES! But whatever, i'll deal with it. I'll have friends and DH help set up and take care of moving all the gifts home. I just want to sit there, eat, look pretty, and pray that my water doesn't break at my shower lol.
Message edited 5/23/2013 1:09:52 PM.
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| Posted 5/23/13 1:06 PM |
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neener1211
:-)
Member since 4/07 22952 total posts
Name:
J
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Re: Advice Please!!
So, your mom is not even planning the shower, does not want to pay anything towards your big shower, only had 5 people coming...
Tell your mother that her and her 5 people are welcome at the one big shower, you will eat the cost, tell her to save her money that she would have spent on having everyone over for lunch. It doesn't matter what her opinion is on the big shower, if she doesn't like it or not, she isn't paying. She should show up and put her big girl panties on.
Just sounds like she's jealous that she only had 5 people coming and your MIL is making it a big affair-that or she's jealous you'regetting attention and she's not.
If she insists on her party, just go, enjoy it and just know she's making a stink just to be noticed.
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| Posted 5/23/13 1:24 PM |
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HelenZ
So worth the wait :)
Member since 10/07 2862 total posts
Name:
Helen
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Re: Advice Please!!
I think you should avoid getting involved at this point, DH shouldn't be discussing it with you if you've stated that you wanted to be surprised. Enjoy the fact that all of these people want to plan something for you, because for some people no one offers to help/chip in/plan etc. So, go to both events, don't worry about being tired, I will be 33 weeks at my shower I may be hot, uncomfortable etc. but it's the only date that worked and I will be happy to celebrate with all of the people who decide to come.
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| Posted 5/23/13 1:48 PM |
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LInMI
LIF Adult
Member since 7/10 1802 total posts
Name:
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Re: Advice Please!!
I am sorry you are going through this... It's the last thing you should have to stress about.
If it were me... I would want one shower and just give your mom $ or tell her you and DH will take care of the cost for your family expenses. It sucks, but at least you won't have to deal with anymore drama.
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| Posted 5/23/13 2:40 PM |
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juju
Welcome to the World!
Member since 5/05 6747 total posts
Name:
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Re: Advice Please!!
Me personally, I would go to the two showers. Once you are there, all the drama will be behind you and you will have a great time! I am not sure how it is typically here in NY, but in Texas it is customary for MIL and Mother have separate showers. One invites the other to each other's showers.
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| Posted 5/23/13 2:50 PM |
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Kitten1929
LIF Adult
Member since 1/13 6040 total posts
Name:
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Re: Advice Please!!
I can't keep up anymore.
If your mother throws you a shower, you should go.
If your MIL throws you a shower, you should go.
I don't think this is the time to make a stand.
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| Posted 5/23/13 2:51 PM |
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GlowSuarez
Baby Marz is here!
Member since 12/10 1494 total posts
Name:
G
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Re: Advice Please!!
I think you should take a step back and and try to calm down. Right now all of your decisions are out of anger and disappointment because of a certain way you wanted the shower. I do get that you have wanted your shower in a certain way but you should not be involved and you should not stress over it. I know your mom is probably not helping but at least she's throwing you a shower which is nice. Attend to both showers its amazing you are getting two. Once these days come you won't even think about the drama that was behind it. But I don't think you should be the one making decision now especially at your state.
Try to relax and enjoy both events.
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| Posted 5/23/13 2:57 PM |
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Hoping4Baby11
Live life to the fullest!,
Member since 1/11 2140 total posts
Name:
Jenn
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Re: Advice Please!!
I do not want to deal with anymore drama. I don't know why I was constantly dragged into this. The "Shower" my mom was planning to thrown was just dinner with the family..not really a shower. I probably should of clarified that. I did talk to my mom today and told her I didn't feel right with not having my family there. It is very important to me. Both my parents did feel the same way, and they are coming the 23rd. The more I am thinking now, whatever she planned to do for me I still think she should do it. Which I believe were eggplant trays, the heros, the cake, my wishing well and anything else as far as decorations. We will take care of the rest. If she just wants to come and eat I will feel like this shower was given by my DH and MIL. If money is an issue, maybe she can split the cost with my grandma, or my future SIL as she wants to help my mom out. I'll have to talk to her more tomorrow about it. But the more I think about it, I can't have my Inlaws and my DH pay for everything!
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| Posted 5/23/13 3:02 PM |
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GlowSuarez
Baby Marz is here!
Member since 12/10 1494 total posts
Name:
G
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Re: Advice Please!!
I think that at this point, if you really want your shower a certain way, you and your DH should just pay for it and just have 1 big event. Don't expect your mom, or mil or whoever to chip in for it. this way you get what you want and everyone is happy. If they choose to contribute that's great. Unfortunately not everyone is going to agree with your ideas.
Message edited 5/23/2013 3:11:45 PM.
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| Posted 5/23/13 3:11 PM |
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ElizaRags35
My 2 Girls
Member since 2/09 20494 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Advice Please!!
Posted by GlowSuarez
I think that at this point, if you really want your shower a certain way, you and your DH should just pay for it and just have 1 big event. Don't expect your mom, or mil or whoever to chip in for it. this way you get what you want and everyone is happy. If they choose to contribute that's great. Unfortunately not everyone is going to agree with your ideas.
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| Posted 5/23/13 3:14 PM |
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alli3131
Peanut is here!!!!!!
Member since 5/09 18388 total posts
Name:
Allison
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Re: Advice Please!!
Posted by Hoping4Baby11
I do not want to deal with anymore drama. I don't know why I was constantly dragged into this. The "Shower" my mom was planning to thrown was just dinner with the family..not really a shower. I probably should of clarified that. I did talk to my mom today and told her I didn't feel right with not having my family there. It is very important to me. Both my parents did feel the same way, and they are coming the 23rd. The more I am thinking now, whatever she planned to do for me I still think she should do it. Which I believe were eggplant trays, the heros, the cake, my wishing well and anything else as far as decorations. We will take care of the rest. If she just wants to come and eat I will feel like this shower was given by my DH and MIL. If money is an issue, maybe she can split the cost with my grandma, or my future SIL as she wants to help my mom out. I'll have to talk to her more tomorrow about it. But the more I think about it, I can't have my Inlaws and my DH pay for everything!
Based on this it really seems you have an certain expectation for your shower and if its not what you want you will not be happy. So in that case why not just stop all the BS and just plan it yourself.
Sorry if this is a bit snarky but if you don't want to be involved then you get zero opinion on it...even if they end up telling you about some of the detail. If you want an opinion then plan it.
If I had this much of an opinion about mine my mother and MIL would have thrown up their hands and just said take over.
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| Posted 5/23/13 3:22 PM |
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Re: Advice Please!!
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Message edited 1/11/2014 10:27:29 PM.
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| Posted 5/23/13 3:57 PM |
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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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Re: Advice Please!!
Posted by alli3131
Based on this it really seems you have an certain expectation for your shower and if its not what you want you will not be happy. So in that case why not just stop all the BS and just plan it yourself.
Exactly. You can't claim how much you don't want to be involved in any of the planning and then you find out about a plan and don't like it and go up in a huff over it. If you want people to surprise you, what you're saying is you are open to graciously accepting anything that's given to you at all. You're lucky you have so many people who care. I'm sorry I just feel like this is drama you are inflicting upon yourself.
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| Posted 5/23/13 4:16 PM |
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mommy2B3
2 boys 2 girls!!!!
Member since 7/08 3324 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: Advice Please!!
Honestly? It sounds like your mom cant afford it, and you are making her feel bad.. she is not obligated to pay nor throw u a shower.. i think you should take what is being given to you and be grateful..
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| Posted 5/23/13 4:18 PM |
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Wishes1111
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/10 853 total posts
Name:
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Advice Please!!
I mean this in the kindest way possible and from an outsider perspective, It seems that you feel your Mom "owes" you a particular kind of shower and you're "not asking for too much" but generally when someone is doing something for you whether it's to your expectations or not you should be grateful. IMO, either jump in with both feet and just help plan your shower, be grateful for whatever anyone is willing to put in, and take care of anything extra you want yourself. Or let your Mom, MIL, and DH figure things out on their own and not involve you & again just be grateful for whatever you are given bc whether you realize it or not I think you are causing a lot of the drama by trying to delegate who should and should not pay and do or do not do certain things. Good luck with everything
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| Posted 5/23/13 4:55 PM |
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gina409
TWINS!
Member since 12/09 27635 total posts
Name:
g
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Re: Advice Please!!
Just playing devils advocate here
One, she is not trying to find out info, or the plans from what I am getting her mom keeps asking and texting and going over the plans and this and that. She is initating it, so I guess the option is to ignore or flat out say no mom I don't wanna know and u know that will cause more drama
Second,now I know people don't have to get showers,it is nice if u do but not required
But I might be miffed too if my mom. Gave me such stress bc she is saving for 2 weddings next year. And these r her grandchildren...maybe its bc I have twins,it took time to get them like for op,idk I just see what she is saying diff
I wanted everything to be perfect that's why dh and I paid ourselves so we would not have any issues
I hope everything gets resolved for you!
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| Posted 5/23/13 5:28 PM |
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LadyBug1209
Mommy to FOUR little men!
Member since 8/08 9655 total posts
Name:
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Re: Advice Please!!
It sounds like you are getting too wrapped up in this mess.
Just let your Mom do what she wants to do and let your MIL/DH do what they want to do. Bottom line is, it seems like they are all trying to make this a special time for you... just let them!! The more you discuss it with them and demand certain things, the more ungrateful you come across. Be thankful for what you're being given and go to both events.
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| Posted 5/23/13 6:09 PM |
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