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Message edited 3/20/2016 10:09:01 PM.

Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

I wouldn't invite Jane over and I'd start inviting other kids over instead. I would dump Jane as much as I could. If Jane's mom asked me why, I'd say that dd gets upset a lot when the girls play and you think she should make some other friendships. I think at that age you can steer it a lot just based on who you're making plans with. Eff Jane!

Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

I agree with pp. Start distancing. There is no reason your dd or you should put up.with.this.

Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

My DD is a lot like your DD in some ways so I can understand. I would have DD distance herself from Jane as much as she can and start making new friends. Girls can be so mean at that age..it's really heart breaking.

Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

Ugh I'm so sad for your dd. The same thing happens with my dd, only she's 2 1/2. So sweet, social. The other girls are such brats..although they're younger I can see where it's heading.

I agree with distancing. Encourage other healthier friendships. Your dd shouldn't put up with it and she should know she's better than that.

Re: Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

This story made me want to cry. Im so sorry your DD has to go through this. I agree with the other responses try distancing yourself from mean Jane. I wonder why she is acting like this but honestly your daughter does not need to be around her. I have 2 boys and 1 girl and I worry so much about what will happen when my daughter enters school. Girls can be so mean and it makes no sense unless Jane is just jealous of your daughter in some way.

Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

I would definitely distance yourself but I would also say something to her Mom even if she's changed as you said I would have to get it off my chest that you've personally witnessed this and your DD has talked about at home with you & how much it upsets her. I couldn't stand to let it go without saying something

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Message edited 3/20/2016 10:09:42 PM.

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Message edited 3/20/2016 10:11:04 PM.

Re: Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

Based off of what you've said I would avoid play dates and activities with Jane. Not sure if what activities she does but for example my DD does gymnastics on Saturday. Let's say at 11am. Well they have a 9 or 10am class, so I would switch her into one of those and encourage relationships with other girls. Have her invite someone else from her class over for a play date.

If you say your friend has changed over the years and the dd is acting up maybe something is going on at home? Who knows but your dd doesn't need this. This scares me for what is to come!

Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

Girls are mean...plain and simple. You need to teach your daughter to stand up for herself because this will not be the first girl to say and do mean things to her. She needs to verbalize to her friends if something is hurting her feelings or making her uncomfortable. Have her start hanging out with new kids and to expand her group of friends. This whole best friend thing at this age is a huge pet peeve of mine because it excludes kids. While of course kids gravitate towards certain kids I always try to teach DD to play with everyone, try different games at recess to play with new people. This way when someone is mean to her, which happens often, she can go to a new group and still have fun.

Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

We had a similar situation. A friend was just mean. She can be mean. Not to the extreme but she's very babyish and then down right mean to my dd. We distanced ourselves over time. I was actually hating being with her. The way she talked, acted, talked. Her mom, a very god friend, would only talk it out and make excuses. Oh you acted like that b/c you are tired. And didn't really correct her.

Luckily they are in different schools now. Distance is better.

Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

I also tell dd that if someone is being mean she doesn't and shouldn't play with someone who is mean.

Re: Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

Something very similar happened with my daughter. I encouraged this relationship with a girl when they were three years old. I really liked the mother and the girls seemed to get along. However, as the girls were older it was clear that the little girl had social problems. The more I learned about the parents, the more I realized that there was a lot of dysfunction in the home. I am certain that the daughter's issues are a product of that dysfunction. The mother who I still love would rarely correct the daughter. My daughter on the other hand is a really good sweet kid full of kindness and love. I eventually determined that the relationship was unhealthy for her. The little girl couldn't be kind to my daughter and my daughter was so sweet that she refused to accept her behavior as mean. I slowly detached from the family. I stopped texting, organizing playdates, etc. My daughter still asks for her but I think it is best this way. I will occasionally get together with the mother but not to the extent I would have if her daughter wasn't such a problem.

Message edited 1/10/2016 10:38:09 PM.

Re: Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

Something is going on this this girls world that is making her insecure and mean. That's not your problem especially if the Mom will not be receptive. I would separate your DD from her as much as possible. At that age, friendships come and go. Teach your DD that she should not be friends with someone who is mean to her and it's ok to make new friends.

Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

My DD is also very social, she will play with anyone and everyone. She has come home and told me about snippy things the girls say to each other in school. I have heard about one girl saying another girls jacket wasn't as nice, meanwhile they were the same color, a girl saying this is my friend you can't play with her, etc etc (they are 4). I am not saying my DD is an angel, she is a girl and I am sure gives it back too, I just don't hear about what she does LOL

I try to teach her to ignore the negative behavior, and if someone isn't being nice, doesn't want to play with you that day, or is saying mean things to someone else to walk away and play with someone else. I will never condone or make excuses for her being mean to someone else, but I will teach her to stick up for herself, because once a child knows they can get away with certain behavior with another child, they will keep doing it, and that is how it turns into a bullying situation.

if I were in your shoes I would try to talk to your DD as much as possible about handling the situation herself because you are not there all day in school. Maybe try to make playdates with a couple girls at the same time, so she finds something in common with another friend. Your situation is hard because you are friends with the mom and are in a bunch of activities together. I would never disinclude the other mom or girl from group playdates, I would focus more on your daughters responses to the other little girl being mean, and her making other friends.

Even at 4, you can't push two kids together to play if they do not have anything in common. Certain personalities click more than others at this age and at our age, and you gravitate towards those people. Since she is social, if you do more group playdates I am sure she will find other girls like her that she will feel more comfortable with.

Re: Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

Yep I agree with others, distance is what you need.
Girls will always be mean and I saw such a difference in my dd in middle school and my ds. He has no problems with drama and pettiness like my dd saw and had.

Re: Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

To me it sounds like this girl has some emotional issues herself and it has nothing to do with your DD.
Definitely time to distance yourself and encourage DD to play more with friends who are nicer.

We have a similar situation- not as bad as you describe- but whenever DD says that this girl was mean and didn't let her sit with her on the bus etc, I just say, well who did you end up sitting with? She says, so and so and so and so. And I say, good. You don't need the other one.

I try not to make a big deal out of it and just tell her that some people will be mean, but you should just ignore it and try to be with people who are nicer.

Re: Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

I have to LOL at this.. "WTF is wrong with Jane?"

My DD sounds EXACTLY like your DD, she's 5, uber-sensitive, but really kind and compassionate and it boggles her mind why other children don't put kindness on their priority list.

I still think these kids are young enough that they need parenting interjections here and there. I don't think it would be crazy for you to say something to Jane if you're witnessing this behavior.. a simple "Jane, that isn't very nice, we should be kind to our friends" could be the words she needs to hear that she isn't getting at home?

I'm struggling with something similar, my BFF's daughter is 7 months older than mine, but luckily lives 40 minutes away because she has that witchy side that Jane does, one of my favorites is "if you don't give me that doll I'm going to pinch you"... threatening physical violence at 5 was new to me!

Re: Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

Yes, they are this twisted this young! Ugh

AJ's BFF started doing this to her once. I quickly told AJ true friend don't HURT you. Life is full of disappointments. Even long friendships can turn sour. But at one point you were friends. You need to be the bigger person and not hold any anger or bad feelings. Get new friends. She now has like 8 BFFs (all girl scouts) but her BFF from across the street who she's known since 4, they've grown a bit distant, though still close. AJ has also been the one to exclude her though on purpose. They all seem to want to possess friends. I don't like that. Friends aren't possessions to be counted. They are people with their own choices. You won't always agree, you won't always be friendly either. But you should always be loyal and always be fair.

But it *STILL* happens. I hate that her so called BFFs will exclude her from games at school until she cries in frustration. Then laugh it off like a 'game'.

We did tons of Girl Scout exercises on this when I took over as troop leader. Mostly cause I hate that crap. We are going to be sisters in this troop. We are all different. We will all disagree but we are our own little group. We will respect each other. Thankfully AJ's BFF's mom is quick to support and corrects my kid and others.

Bottom line.. Friends don't hurt friends on purpose. NEVER on purpose. People who hurt people on purpose are mean and are NOT your friends. People who plan to hurt you or take pleasure in your pain are people you need to avoid and are not to be trusted.. ever.

Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

Ugh...my DD is 3 1/2 and I DREAD stuff like this. You got some great advice here and I don't really have anything else you add except that I'm so sorry your DD is going through this and my heart just breaks for her.

Re: Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

UGH!!!! I have 2 DDs and this cr@p makes my blood boil! I see it with girls in both my DDs classes (they are only 3 and 5).
I agree with what all the others said. Distance yourself and your DD. She will find new friends. And yes, those new friends will maybe someday pull this cr@p too. Keep trying until she finds the friends that work for her. I teach my girls that they aren't "friends" if they treat them like that. Friends can argue and disagree, that's normal; but friends don't intentionally try to hurt your feelings. That isn't a friend.

I love having girls so much EXCEPT when it comes to mean girl cr@p. I have ZERO patience for it.

Re: Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

That story made my heart ache. I have an almost 5 yr old daughter and I picture this happening & I see red. It's so sad. Knowing me, I probably would have called "Jane" out right then & there for being no good & nasty because I have no problem correcting other children if their parent isn't going to. But other than calling out kid or mom on this nonsense, I would honestly just be doing my absolute best to distance them. Your DD doesn't need a "friend" like that. It's time to get some new ones and hopefully in the near future join activities that "Jane" is not part of.

Re: Moms of girls around 5/6 and up - mean girls when girl is a close friend

I agree with the others to distance them and encourage playdates with other friends -
BUT, I also think you're doing the right thing to teach her how to handle it. Because it's only go to get worse as she gets older.
It's not right, at ALL - but it's a fact of life, particularly with girls and IMO the best thing you can do for your kid is teach them the coping skills to deal with the inevitabe.
It's also how they learn to empathize. It's very easy to say "how would you feel if so and so did that to you?" .......but until you actually go through it yourself, (being left out, hurt feelings, being teased etc) whatever it may be - you really DON'T know how it feels.