????

Message edited 1/13/2012 4:31:35 PM.

Re: WWYD?

I am soo sorry you are going thru this ...have you considered maybe speaking to a therapist? Have you asked him why he is against adoption or donor eggs?

Re: WWYD?

I am so sorry you're going through this.. I agree with the PP advice that maybe it would help to seek out counseling together. As far as what you should do, I just feel like this is SUCH a personal decision... I know you were looking into adoption for a few months now. Was your DH previously onboard with it and now he's not? It seems like you guys need to have a clear understanding of not just HOW you're feeling but also WHY you each feel that way.. then you can just understand each other better all around.

Re: WWYD?

Posted by mama2b

I am soo sorry you are going thru this ...have you considered maybe speaking to a therapist? Have you asked him why he is against adoption or donor eggs?

Re: WWYD?

from a completely outside perspective, im honestly surprised that he "dropped the bomb" about this. i only did 1 IVF and before that point DH and I seriously discussed whether we would consider adoption. i totally understand that if that became a reality that our views might change, but being that you have been through so much i am just surprised that you haven't been having those type of conversations all along the journey together. to reevaluate together whether it was worth continuing with the infertility process or adopting or other assisted reproduction options. so that being said, i think you have to look at that in itself and think about what it means to your marriage. if you haven't been open and honest the entire process, then maybe there is a bigger issue there than just that you want to adopt/donor egg and he doesn't.

maybe im way off base, and i hope that i am, but you both have to be ready for the next steps together or i just can't imagine the relationship staying healthy because one will always resent the other if they feel they are forced into something that they aren't 100% ready for.

needless to say, i am soooo truly sorry that you are even dealing with these type of questions and decisions

Re: WWYD?

Posted by FlowerWife

from a completely outside perspective, im honestly surprised that he "dropped the bomb" about this. i only did 1 IVF and before that point DH and I seriously discussed whether we would consider adoption. i totally understand that if that became a reality that our views might change, but being that you have been through so much i am just surprised that you haven't been having those type of conversations all along the journey together. to reevaluate together whether it was worth continuing with the infertility process or adopting or other assisted reproduction options. so that being said, i think you have to look at that in itself and think about what it means to your marriage. if you haven't been open and honest the entire process, then maybe there is a bigger issue there than just that you want to adopt/donor egg and he doesn't.

maybe im way off base, and i hope that i am, but you both have to be ready for the next steps together or i just can't imagine the relationship staying healthy because one will always resent the other if they feel they are forced into something that they aren't 100% ready for.

needless to say, i am soooo truly sorry that you are even dealing with these type of questions and decisions

Re: WWYD?

DH and I had many, many "battles" along the way. I think he would sometimes say yes to me just to shut me up and hope that he never had to deal with those "maybes". I had posted a few times about the damage I felt IF was doing to our marriage but apparently, everyone else going through IF at those times had the most supportive husbands ever and the best marriages ever. Apparently I was in the minority.

There were times when the conversation was had that if he wasn't on board with raising a family with me, he had best tell me right then and there so that I could do what I needed to do (leave him) and pursue my dream of being a mother. I never really cared how it came about and still don't get why he was opposed to things like adoption and donor eggs (thought I think a lot had to do with his age). We did finally come to an agreement on when we would move on to DE (he was only ok with using my sister's eggs) and adoption. And while we never actually had to go those routes, it took a long time for him to get there and for me to have to accept that there were limits to what he was willing to do. I then had to decide if motherhood or my marriage was going to be sacrificed. Eventually, I allowed myself to envision a CF life with DH and *probably* would have stayed with him but I bet there would always have been some level of resentment and me wondering "what if".
Obviously no one can make this decision for you, but all I can say is, IF does take a toll on marriages. Some couples DO disagree on treatment, alternative ways to have children and how long they want to try for. The best I can offer you is to really sit him down, have a heart to heart and see if there are any means for compromise here and then take it from there. Either path will be hard, I am sure, but I bet in the end you will do what is best for you and know what it is that will make you happiest. Good luck and I am very sorry you are going through this.

Re: WWYD?

DH fought me on a lot of things when it came to IF treatment but i found that as time went and he spoke with the dr's himself and did some research his views changed.

At first he said he didnt want to do any types of treatment because he wanted to have a baby the "old fashioned" way. No matter how many times i explained that may not work with me because i have endo he still did not understand. So i took things slow with him, went to my OB/GYN and did alot of conservative measures for a few months, after that he himself was ready to move on to the next step - realizing on his own that i was right all along. Once we got to the RE he was there for every appt so that he can hear what was explained and ask any questions he had. DH was okay with IUI and not IVF at first but after our first IUI cycle was a BFN he was ready for IVF.

Now, his newest thing is he is against Donor sperm and definitely he will not do Donor embryos. He says it will not be his biological baby but i think he's just scared of that what if...what if we need donor anything....i wont push that issue on him until we need to get to that point.

so you are not alone....IF is difficult on a marriage and you wont always agree but you do have to weigh the options. Its not just your choice or opinions that matter...DH feelings are important also. Maybe like PP said therapy will help?

good luck