WWYD? Etiquette related.

(please don't quote... coming down soon)

My cousin got married a few years ago on my birthday. We postponed our yearly birthday vacation to attend the wedding. We drove 5 hours to get there, paid for a ferry, a hotel for the night, and when we found out how posh the venue was, included an extra $100 in the check for them.

We found ourselves seated in one of two seperate reception rooms, the only table from our side of the family - the rest of the room was strangers, at a table that seated six instead of all the others that seated 10, and were in the corner, away from everyone else.

The experience left a bad taste in our mouths, everyone at the table, because we felt we were an afterthought, shoved in a corner.

My wedding comes around, and cousin comes to my shower but cannot come to the wedding because her husband is a part of a wedding party the same day. We didn't receive a wedding card or present from them (which I never knew was something some people do - it really was not expected)

Cousin is now pregnant and my Aunt is planning her baby shower. My mother and two sisters received invites 2 weeks ago. I have not. My mother and sisters already purchased presents that another member of the family will bring up to the shower (they cannot go).

This may be a silly question but, is it possible that they didn't invite women who are not mothers to the baby shower? Because I don't have children but my sisters do.

Second question... Do I purchase items from her registry anyway and have them sent up, even though I technically wasn't invited?

We are saving every penny for a house and my husband is still indignant about the wedding thing. For various reasons, he doesn't understand family etiquette. We are not close to this cousin, and he assumes we will have very limited contact with them after this point.

Thanks for reading, I'm leaning towards buying the presents and sending them up, on the off chance that my invite wasn't sent in error. My mother has been playing phone tag with my Aunt so she hasn't been able to ask her yet. What would you do?

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

Well, I'm not saying this happened to you...but my Mother sent out my baby shower invitations to a bunch of DH's cousins and one of them never got the invite. Thank god she emailed DH or we never would have known she didn't get the invite. Maybe she meant to invite you but you never got the invite?? It may be something as simple as that.

I would buy something to be safe...although now that I reread your post and you say you aren't that close to this cousin....I guess I wouldn't buy the gift since she never got you a gift for your wedding.

Message edited 4/19/2007 3:09:39 PM.

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

I would not bother with a gift...

No invite, no gift-- unless you feel this person deserves your generosity, which IMO, does not.

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

I personally would not send a present to a shower for someone when I was not invited.

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

The rule of thumb I generally follow is that if I am not invited, and it is not someone I am close to, I don't send a gift. I would be especially hurt if I was intentionally excluded and if that were the case, I would be even less inclined to send a gift.

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

I never heard of a mother's only baby shower and think that's a pretty sh!tty to come up with a guest list. Maybe your invite got lost or something like that?

Since you didn't receive an invite, it's your choice to send a gift or not. I tend to agree with your DH about not sending something since you are not that close to her as it is.

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

I've never heard of women without children being excluded. If you dont want to call (which I wouldnt want to), can your mother call and see if your invite was lost? Every family is different but it seems very odd that you wouldnt be invited.

As far as the family etiquette, if it was my family member's wedding that I couldnt attend, I'd still send them a gift. Especially but not only because they were so generous at my wedding. If you were excluded from the shower guest list for some odd reason, I wouldn't send a gift. I'm a generous person but IMO things can't be one-sided, there has to be a balance. I'd get to the bottom of the invite issue first though.

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

I wouldn't send a gift. Is the shower soon? Will your mom speak to your aunt before the shower? That's the only way to really answer the question.

I can't imagine your cousin inviting your entire family except you. Just seems odd.

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

No invite - no gift.
Unless you find it was a mistake.
If it was, send a small token gift, because you are not going and still have some sore feelings from the wedding.

Also, I don't have any babies and have been invited to every baby shower under the sun. I've never heard of a mommy only party before.

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

Unless you learn from your mother that you were definitely invited, I wouldn't send a gift.

I seriously hope you were not excluded because you're not a mother. I've never heard of such a thing, and I think it's beyond rude and even kind of mean if that's the case.

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

She didnt give you a wedding gift?

You owe her nothing. Why would you ever give her a gift. You are not even invited to the shower.

I do not like this person. Sorry this happened to you

Edited to say my post may sound harsh but I am so tired of certain people always going out of their way and other people doing the absolute minimum. I cannot stress how made these family things make me. Partly bc it is me who is always flying to so and so's wedding, spending tons of cash on a gift, and when I had my wedding, I didn't so much as get a card.

Message edited 4/19/2007 3:29:19 PM.

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

you're being the better person.

A token gift sounds fine.

I, on the other hand, probably wouldn't be the better person and would send nothing because I wasn't invited.

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Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

Thanks so much ladies, keep 'em coming!!

I just talked to DH and told him the results so far. He said, "We're not having children, so we'll never have another event in our lives to get anything out of them. So **** em."

He was kidding of course. It's true we're not having children but we really aren't people who are overly concerned about keeping score with presents and $$$.

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

I would wait to find out if you are invited or not. If you weren't invited, I would NOT send a gift!

Just recently, I didn't receive an invite to my cousin's son's communion, but my sisters and mom did. Of course it turned out to be an oversight and I got the invite two weeks later, so it definitely happens.

Message edited 4/19/2007 3:41:30 PM.

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

I'd try to find out if your invitation got lost in the mail or something. If that's the case, I wouldn't go, but send a small token gift.

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Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

If I wasnt invited no gift.
If I go to visit after the baby is born then I would bring a gift. But def not send one to a party I didnt get an invite for.

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

If you were not invited, no gift. I don't understand why all the others in your family would be invited except for you. If it was intentional, that is just downright rude.

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

Mom just called, the shower isn't until May 20th, so we have time. She's going to call my Aunt tonight again, and hopefully find out what the deal is.

Thanks again ladies, I appreciate your opinions!

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

no invite= no gift
esp. since they didn't give you a wedding gift

in this case, if you get an invite, I would send a small token gift

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.

no gift!

Re: WWYD? Etiquette related.