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Message edited 12/9/2007 8:37:46 PM.

Re: Children of Divorce

I turned out pretty good (as did my bro and sis), and I consider myself an excellent father. Parents were divorced when I was around 7. None of us have ever smoked, drank more than an occasional drink, been in trouble, etc.

I know quite a few people who have "issues" because their parent's DIDN'T get divorced. Sometimes it's healthier for everyone if the bad energy is removed from the house. It's much better, IMO, to live in a loving, caring house with only one parent, than in a violent, abusive home with two parents.

Past generations didn't get divorced as much, but there was much more spousal abuse (verbal and/or physical). Now, women are able to decide for themselves how they want to live their life, and what is in their, and their child's best interests.

Re: Children of Divorce

I know plenty of people who have their parents together and they have tons of problems.

My parents divorced when I was 10, I think I turned out okay

Re: Children of Divorce

I think that what those women were saying is ignorant.

You could have parents who are married raise children with problems...we all know someone like that!!!

And you can grow up in a family where the parents divorce and make a great life for yourself. My parents divorce definitely upset us, my brothers rebelled for a while when it was happening (those great teen years..) but we have all pretty much learned from the experience.

What i took away from my parents divorce were many things..

1) Learning what i expected out of a husband..someone who cared about me, would do anything for me and genuinely respected me..not to let what happened to my mom happen to me

2) That it is much much better and healthier for all involved for parents to divorce rather than staying together for the children. What is the point if all they do is fight? It's setting a horrible example. When my parents divorced, although it was sad, it made me breathe easier. I knew my mom was so much better off.

3) You can make your own life and family and everything comes with a lesson. I learned how strong my mom is, how much she cared for her children, and that being a father is a LOT MORE than child support and sperm donation, lol.

Re: Children of Divorce

My parents got divorce when I was 13 and I think my mom did an AMAZING job and I think I turned out ok..I was never into drugs, causing trouble, I went to college got my degree, have a good job, pay my bills on time... etc.
Like the above poster said, I know plenty of people that their parents are still together and they are in more trouble.
I think I am a better person because my parents got a divorce, my mom did what was best for us.

Re: Children of Divorce

I've heard it before...And had my BIL tell me I don't know how to be part of a family since I come from a broken home. I am secure in who I am, and know that I am a good person. But my mom set an example for me that I admire--that a woman can succeed, and be happy, without a man. I learned that it is not worth wasting your life in an unhappy situation. So yes, if they want to fear that children of divorce are more likely to leave, maybe they are right--if I was ever in an unhappy situation and exhausted all methods of working things out, I would not be afraid to leave and be by myself, since I had an example of such a strong woman in my mother. I know many other people who would stay because they are afraid of being alone, or supporting themselves alone. And children don't deserve to grow up in a loveless home either. So yes, fear me because I am a strong, self-supporting woman who is liberal enough to believe that she deserves happiness.

It may be true that children of divorce are more likely to act out when they are young, but I think those things are probably to get attention.

Message edited 12/9/2007 9:10:35 AM.

Re: Children of Divorce

Wow. My parents also divorced while I was 4... and I think I turned out pretty darn good (with the exception of a few trust issues).

Actually, DH and I are both 'children of divorce' and we both have masters degrees, have never been in trouble with the law (unless you count a few speeding tickets), and and overall in pretty good shape.

Ignorance like that annoys me.

ETA: Honestly, I think it would have been more damaging to me to watch my parents stay in a marriage that wasn't a happy one. They have both now in good relationships and have been married for for 19 and 20 years.

Message edited 12/9/2007 9:07:48 AM.

Re: Children of Divorce

i have 2 friends(sisters) whose parents divorced when they were young. they've never been in trouble with the law, school or done drugs. to me, that was a bad comment to make. there's some people whose parents are still together that gets in trouble with the law

Re: Children of Divorce

I'm a child from divorce and I'm proud to say that I am because my Mom was in a bad situation where my father was cheating on her. She embraced the situation she was in, left his a s s and never looked back! I think my Mom raised me better than a lot of kids who have both parents there. I would have taken a lot of offense to the comments that those women were making. People can be so ignorant.

My DH is also a child from divorce and he is a great guy also. Never been in trouble with the law, no drugs, considerate, respects people...especially women!

Re: Children of Divorce

My parents divorced when I was eight and I am a healthy, happy individual.

I did, however, make the mistake of marrying an alcoholic whose parents were still married.

So, judging from my life experience - I have seen just as many people with problems come from married parents as divorced parents.

Re: Children of Divorce

IMO, those women were totally out of line. I am a "child of divorce" and I turned out just fine Not to mention that I have a great marriage and am married to a wonderful man!!!

Re: Children of Divorce

What an ignorant and assinine assumption

My son is a product of divorce, his SD left when he was 17 months old. He is now almost 15 plays 3 sports in his HS and consistently makes the honor roll.

Message edited 12/9/2007 10:06:05 AM.

Re: Children of Divorce

I am a child of divorce and turned out pretty well. My DH is also a child of divorce and turned out great too. I think we both learned from our parents' situations and are better from it.

Re: Children of Divorce

Looks like there may be some truth to these generalizations though...From the book "Between Two Worlds". Though I like to think of it as all of us succeeding despite setbacks, in which case it makes all of us even better!


Children of divorce are three times as likely to be expelled from school or
to become pregnant as teenagers as those from intact parents and are five
times as apt to live in poverty.
...
The study compared 750 Generation X adults of divorced parents with 750 who
grew up in intact homes. The differences are stark. Two-thirds of children
of divorce who stay in contact with both parents (and many do not) say they
felt like they grew up in two families, not one, which creates "endless and
often painful complications for a child."
...
Fully 44 percent of children of divorce said "I was alone a lot as a child"
vs. only 14 percent of those in intact families - a three-fold difference.
...
A fifth of young adult children of divorce agree that "I love my mother, but
do not respect her," triple that of those from intact homes. A quarter of
young adults from divorced homes disagree with the assertion, "My father
clearly taught me the difference between right and wrong." That compares
with just 3 percent of those from intact homes. If the study had included
the many children totally abandoned by divorced dads, the ratio would have
been much worse.
...
What are the lessons of "Between Two Worlds?"

First, two-thirds of those who divorce who are in low-conflict marriages,
should work harder to save their marriages, or at least wait until children
are grown before divorcing. Only a third of the divorced said that they and
ex-spouses tried to save the marriage.

Re: Children of Divorce

Oh, if only I was there...my parents divorced when I was young. They split apart when I was 4. I never smoked, never did drugs, worked hard all my life, went to college, got my masters and now, at almost 30, I think I turned out okay. It's called parenting. Good parents make a difference, divorced or not.

Re: Children of Divorce

And let me add...I am soooo happy my parents got divorced. I KNOW I would not be who I am today or where I am today had they not! It was the best thing they ever did!

Re: Children of Divorce

That is a ridiculous thing to say....even if they honestly believe that children of divorce somehow turn out "worse" than other kids.

My parents divorced when I was in middle school and I am happily married, never smoked and have never been in any real trouble. I went to college, grad school & have a job with a world renown company. I think my dad did a great job raising me after my mom moved out.

I have a good friend who has siblings who are disasters and her parents have been together over 40 years.

Divorce happens and the resulting behavior of the children is dependent on so many factors that nobody should make such generalizations.

Re:

Message edited 3/3/2010 10:38:29 PM.

Re: Children of Divorce

First,

Second, I would just like to say that this is one of the most snobby, judgemental, small-minded, ignorant comments I've heard in a long time.

I can tell you, when I was in my early 20s I was dating a guy for 5.5 years. He told me once that his parents cautioned him against marrying me because my parents were divorced. Well, when we eventually broke up, he ended up moving in with somebody 6 weeks later, got her knocked up, got married out of wedlock, and was divorced within a year! I on the other hand, finished grad school, have a very responsible job, am married to a man who treats me perfectly (unlike the ex), and I see myself staying married for the rest of my life. Yes, his parents stayed married, but his mother was so emotionally abused that she should have left. They stayed together, and in turn, he never learned how to properly treat his wife, and his sister ran away when she was 17 after having had an abortion, and dating every guy from the "wrong side of the tracks". So she obviously never learned how to be treated as a woman either.

Re: Children of Divorce

I also want to add something..people can blame their families all they want. Life circumstances def. do play a part in how we turn out. However, after a certain age, you no longer have the right to blame your parents, your family, the hand you were dealt. After a certain age, A PERSON needs to accept that that was life and it was the past and take affirmative action and make a change in their life. I could have turned out differently. I CHOSE not to have a certain life for myself. I didn't want a certain kind of life and although my family circumstances could have easily given me that life (divorce, very very poor, single mom, only child) I didn't want it. THAT choice also effects the life one has as an adult. So sorry, divorce or not, all adults need to figure out the kind of life they want to have and do something about it.

Re: Children of Divorce

I couldn't disagree more...

Actually I think those whose parents stay together, because they don't believe in divorce are worse off than those who are product of divorced parents...

My parents started having "problems" when I was just finishing up high school- I had a great upbringing and believe I turned out wonderfully. HOWEVER- once my parents started having problems my brothers started to take the back burner and my youngest brother is now an out of control, teen drug addict.

Truthfully- I believe its because he did not get what I got from my parents.

They choose to stay in their marriage and they are both miserable. Where as had the separated and moved on in their lives they would've given my brother the attention and discipline he needed.


I also wanted to add- my DH, DS and I were at a dinner the other night; sitting next to us were 2 older couples (like mid 60's-maybe early 70's) they were engaged in conversation, everyone talking at the same tone and pace- all of a sudden the DH of the 1 woman started yelling at her, and talking down to her- like she was a complete idiot. It was utterly disgusting. IMO- this said alot about their relationship and marriage. To me- I would rather be divorced and happy then married and miserable.

I too would never want my child to have to go through a divorce- for I'm sure at the time it would be devastating to him. HOWEVER- I also wouldn't want my child to see me miserable, with no self esteem. I wouldn't want him to see me lock myself away in my bedroom night after night, instead of jumping on the bed and playing with him.

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Message edited 12/9/2007 8:38:04 PM.

Re: Children of Divorce

That is such an obsolete way of thinking - I can see if it was the 50's, but in this day and age, divorce is the norm, not the exception.

I know people who are screwy who come from intact famil;ies - maybe the relationship was dysfunctional and they stayed together because of the kids, maybe daddy's "business trips" were something no one talked about, maybe mommy hit the sauce or the shopping malls to get thru the day, etc - that doesn't mean the child is going to learn anything good out of that.

I know people who came from divorced families who turned out just fine. Yes, they had to deal with the pain of mom and dad not being together anymore, but maybe they were happy the late night arguments stopped, the passive aggressiveness ended, and mom finally went back to school and finished her career, dad didn't have that heart attack he would have had if he continued to live under the stress of a painful marriage, etc....

To say that people who come from divorced families are not capable of being well-adjusted people is such a sweeping over generalization. I would be very bothered to hear someone saying that in such times.

Re: Children of Divorce

Gosh what would she think if I told her I was divorced at 29!! AND I am a product of parents who divorced

Re: Children of Divorce

I'm in the same boat as you, my parents divorced when I was four. I have my BA and MA and lead a very stable, "normal" life. I have been married to a wonderful man for just over 2 years and I know we will be together for many many more. We are welcoming our first child into the world in May. I HATE when people say things like that about children of divorce. It is true that sometimes if a divorce is not handled very well that the children can go through a really difficult time and sometimes make some bad choices. This happens just as often to children of married parents though.