Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

Hi Everyone,

I was an occasional poster/daily lurker on the pregnancy board for a while but this is my first post here.

This is my 3rd week back at work after having my daughter 3.5 months ago. The first week I was loving being back at work. I felt like a more balanced person and better Mom because of it.

For some reason the initial..."this is great! I'm a person again!" feeling is really wearing off and I'm finding myself running into the bathroom at work to cry because I miss my baby so much. I feel like I'm missing everything and I'm worried she won't even know I'm her Mom.

I guess I'm just looking for hope that this feeling will pass. My employer has been cool enough to let me work from home on Fridays so I know I'm lucky and it could be worse but it's only Wednesday and I can't stand the thought of even one more day away from her right now.

Thanks in advance for any advice or coping mechanisms you might have.

Re: Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

It will get better as time goes on, but it's hard it the beginning. Are you pumping at work? I found myself getting emotional then.

Does your daycare / caretaker keep you informed about what her day is like or what she's doing? That helps in the beginning but you'll find yourself getting more focused at work.

There is no perfect situation or balance...but if you work out of necessity or passion for what you do, your child will learn that's the norm for your family.

And no one will ever, EVER replace you as mom!!

Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

You are definitely not alone! I've been back at work since April 2014 when DD was 5 weeks old and while it's gotten better and easier, I would kill to be at home. I can assure you that you are mommy. No one else. Your baby knows that. DD has had either family watching her or has been in daycare for 16 months and it's me (and DH lol) that she's most excited to see or sad to see leave. It's us she calls mommy and daddy. No one else.

I keep pictures on my desk, watch videos of her on my phone, have daycare or whoever is watching her send me pics or updates.

Hang in there!

Message edited 8/12/2015 5:09:13 PM.

Re: Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

The beginning is tough.
Do a day at a time & spend every moment you are home with the kid.

Re: Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

The beginning is definitely the hardest. It gets easier, though you'll still have ups and downs. Just keep focused on your evenings and weekends to get through the days!

I have a 2.5 year old but also a 12 week old, so I'm returning to work after maternity leave this Friday. I'm dreading it, but just want to go back because the anticipation is the worst. Give yourself a few more weeks to fall into a routine and it'll just become your new normal.

Re: Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

I'm not in the same situation, but can I just say that the mommy guilt is there no matter what? I think it's just part of life. At least for me it is. I'm so happy and grateful to be a SAHM, don't get me wrong, but I still get those horrible bouts of guilt. In the beginning it was our finances of course. I was guilty for NOT working, for NOT contributing so that we can give her everything she needs. Then I began to babysit for a summer at home to make some income and I was guilty for robbing her of my sole attention. Then after the summer ended and those kids went back to school I was guilty for her not having her friends to play with anymore. lol. Now I have a home daycare and I think it's been a great mix - having her home with me, but also being social with a group of kids the same age. I still get guilty because we're stuck at home then all day, I feel like I'm never doing enough. She starts Pre-K in the fall and I'm guilty about that now, like as a preschool teacher myself, I should just homeschool her till kindergarten. Meanwhile if I did that, I'd feel guilty when kindergarten rolled around if I hadn't transitioned her into it. lol.

All this to say - I truly think as mothers, we just want the BEST for our children. We don't want to EVER feel as though we're failing them in ANY way, so it makes us question ourselves over and over and feel emotional and guilty, and so on. I'm sure in your situation you are doing what you need to do for your family! Yes, it sucks to be away from her, but you are always MOM and no matter how often she's with a babysitter, it's YOU she has that special bond with and love for. From watching the kids I used to have in my daycare and preschool classes, and the kids I babysit now, I can say with absolute certainty that children do get used to it. They have fun with their friends and then feel such joy at seeing mom again at the end of the day. The moms (even the ones who have such a hard time leaving them in the beginning) get used to it too. It just becomes routine. So all will be well, I assure you. Just hang in there and try not to let yourself feel guilty for doing what you need to do for your family. You love your daughter, you're a good mom. She's very lucky.

Re: Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

It is so hard to be a working mommy when you feel guilty. Give yourself a month to get used to your new routine and schedule. Hold on to that initial feeling you had of feeling balanced, it didn't go away, the guilt is just masking it. You will make it through this and with time, that initial feeling will take hold and carry you through. I just make sure that when I am home, I spend lots of time with them. Laundry, dishes and school work can wait until after bedtime. It's not easy, but it does get MUCH better. Lots and lots of

Re: Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

It gets better I promise. I too work 4 days, it's great you ll be ok!

Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

I feel your pain. When I went back to work with my 1st DD, I took her baby blanket to work with me so I could smellher (yes crazy I know!). Give your self some time. Your emotions aren't even back to normal and your whole routine has changed. I think there's always mommy guilt when we have to be at work and away from our kids but it does get easier.

Re: Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

Re: Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

Thanks everyone. Hopefully things get a little easier as time goes on. The craziest part is that I think my maternity leave was proof enough that I wouldn't be able to hack it as a SAHM. I used to count the seconds until my husband got home because I was so lonely and bored. And of course now I'm wishing I could have it back. Sighhhh.

Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

It never ends. That period right after maternity leave is the hardest. I think the only thing that made it 'easier' for me was that I started a new position a few weeks after returning to work so I was distracted with adjusting to a new place, new co-workers, etc. Now that I am off for the summer, though, I am already feeling anxiously going back to work in September. And my DS has already spent a whole year in daycare! I just feel like his personality developed so much this summer and he's so attached me to right now. I just want to cry thinking about it. I know I'll be okay once I go back and start talking to my co-workers. I agree; as much as I like being home it is lonely and I love having part of 'me' back. The only way it gets easier is if you let it. If you keep thinking about it, it'll be hard.

Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

I know everyone says that it will get better. For me it never has. I have been doing this since my son was 6 months old and he will be 4 next month. He goes to school 5 days a week from 9a-1p. Lately he has been fighting getting on the bus and keeps asking when he will stop going to school. It's rough. Vacations are even worse.
We can afford for me to stay home but my job gives me a lot of flexibility and I know I will never find this again. So I stay for that reason. One more year and he will be in kindergarten and I hope it will be a little easier then.

Re: Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

It did not get better for me. I went back to work at 4 months and cried all the time. I had so much guilt. I had a very demanding job (50+ hrs per wk) and saw DS for like 1 hour per day on weekdays because he fell asleep early. I couldn't even pump at work because I was constantly interrupted for conference calls and meetings.

I did not last long at that job and got a new job with better hours (9-5). I still felt so much guilt because I was unable to do any of the fun things with DS during the week. I wanted so badly to take DS to music class and baby gym. My mom used to watch him and it hurt everyday when DS cried when I left for work.

When I had DS#2, DH got a new job and we moved. I got a PT job. PT job became more demanding and became FT job. I had a nanny and at some point, baby preferred nanny to me. This broke my heart. Eventually, both my kids went to an awesome preschool with great extended care. This was a great time for 1 year only.

DS#1 started kindergarten and all the school closings, breaks and snow days really kicked my a$$. There were like 15 snow days and probably another 10 2 hour delays. It was insane! We had all these random teacher work days and we really scrambled. Also there were soooo many school activities during the middle of the day. I hated sitting him in front of a tv all day while I tried to get some work done without burning yet another vacation day for a snow day and I hated even more sending him to daycare camp during spring break while it was gorgeous out.

DH got a new more demanding job and I eventually quit my job after struggling with work life balance for YEARS.

I'm now a SAHM and do miss work. You can never win. Life is leisurely and I spend tons of quality time with the boys. I no longer get into fights with DH about how he never takes the hit when kids are sick or there is a snow day.

Re: Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

Re: Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

I work full-time and I'm a single mother.

So, there was guilt at every corner, during each stage of the process...

In the beginning, when I was married and home with the baby during the first six months (I had maternity leave for six months) -- even then I felt guilty! Guilty if I would fold laundry instead of holding him while he slept. Guilty for putting him on his play-mat so I could EAT. Guilty for putting him in his rock-n-play so I could shower.

Then, if I went out at night when my then husband was home I felt bad doing that - like I didn't deserve it. I remember one time, out of six months, going with my sister to dinner and a movie. I felt SO weird being out - like I was out and naked in public. It's hard to explain. But it was a weird feeling and a guilt at the same time.

Once I went back to work I felt exactly how you feel -- like I was going to miss a lot. Like he would not learn as much or what if he can't say/do the same stuff as other kids his age bc I am not there to make sure he's on track? The time I got with him in the evenings and on weekends seemed so fleeting. But, in reality, as time went on - he learned so much more at daycare than he EVER could with me. These women who are teaching him and caring for him have education degrees where I do not. And they have the power of many of them vs. just me. He will be two next month and he is SO close with me and attached to me. He misses me, he is happy to go to daycare because he loves it there but when I go to get him he runs to me and cheers, Mama! Mama!

I'm amazed at what he has learned, what he can say, what he can do. So, that helped a lot. But the guilt was there at home, it was there when I returned to work, it was there when I left my husband and filed for divorce ---- that's a whoooole other kind of guilt that was crippling. I felt like I failed my son.

But in reality, I am showing my son a much better, healthier, happier life -- and a very independent one. And I'm showing him that the behavior his father exhibited, which is why I chose to leave, is absolutely unacceptable. (Not cheating). I'm showing my son the importance of work ethic, being honest, maintaining a job, and obeying the rules in life. So, I remind myself of how important that is and I feel less guilty.

But yes, guilt is there all the time -- the coping comes with how you redirect your thoughts to positive ones and how you are able to remind yourself of all the good your child will experience as a result of having a hard-working mother, of having a daycare that will teach her so much, of having the ability to be really social with other children. My son, when most kids clam up, will say hello! good morning! bye! to everyone we encounter. He is like the mayor. It's really nice - other kids, adults, animals, etc. - he loves everyone.

I know it is hard but it's completely normal.


Oh and everyone on here --- and especially to the OP --- check out my album. Check out the daycare album. The teachers take pics of him constantly. But just yesterday I was looking at them and I'm like omg wow he has GROWN UP there - he has had so much fun, and then when I'm with him I continue that fun and caring --- and then when I bring him back on Monday I work with them. Just the other day I'm like can you guys work on the days of the week? Because he has been showing interest in saying them. And then they do -- and then they let me know, we just started numbers so work on that this weekend or afternoon. It's wonderful. It's a real partnership. And for me, being a single mom it's the partnership that I longed for with his father that he was just not on board with. It was like he wanted to have a baby but then didn't want to put in the work and be a team to really raise this child so well. It was a lot more fun, in theory, for him - I truly feel that way. So, I have the partnership with his team at daycare. It's so great.

He has been going there since he was six months old. He will be two next month.

Me dropping him off in Spring 2014, when he was about seven, maybe eight months old...


One of my favorites of him holding hands with another baby at daycare...

Message edited 8/13/2015 10:58:30 AM.

Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

Oh mY! So cute! My DS LOVES LOVES LOVES daycare. I picked him up last night and one of the other parents was telling me how he and one of his friends were just staring at each other sitting on a mat cracking each other up! They were there for 30 minutes just laughing at each other. He is so happy there, and that makes me happy. I have felt guilty for having him there for long hours each day, and I just got a new job that is 30 minutes closer on average so his day won't be as long and so that when I'm away, I'm actually at work and not spending the time commuting. (it's also a better opportunity for me all around.) I feel guilty still, to an extent, but I think it's best for both of us. He does not cry when I drop him off, he knows I'm leaving, watches me leave, but he is so ready to play the second I drop him off. His legs start kicking as we walk into the school and he is ready to go. He's making friends (it's hysterical to watch) and has a great time. I actually feel really confident about him going to daycare because I know the care he gets is great, he gets lots of attention, gets to interact with other kids his age and a little older, and they do so many activities with him to help his development, I'm so thrilled. He wouldn't be getting to have as much fun if he were home with me all day.

Re: Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

I just got a call today from the daycare we are going to use for DD when I go back to work, just checking in with me about the start date, and I already feel the misery lol. I know how you feel. With my DS when I went back it wasn't as bad at first because we had family mostly watching him so I felt more comfortable but I still hated that I missed so much. I know I will be sad when I have to go back in October and DD is in daycare... I really enjoy being home with her. I really wish I didn't have to work but it is what it is...

Working Mommy Guilt/Misery

I started my DD at 12 weeks and I made a pact with myself that I would never let her see me cry when dropping her off. I wanted her to be confident and secure that we were making the best decision for her and our family. We haven't looked back since and I don;t let myself feel guilty. I am gving her a life I never had. A secure home in a good neighnorhood, a safe car to ride in, medical benefits, family vacations, nice clothes and on top of it every moment I am with her I am focused on her and her happiness. She does wonderful there and loves her sitter. She is socialized and talking up a storm. She plays so nicely with other kids, shares and is so excited when I come to get her at the end of the day. I am thrilled with how she is thriving and growing as a little person! Some days it is tough and of course I miss her but then I look at the bigger picture and I am ok.