| Posted By |
Message |
MrsBurgos09
LIF Adult
Member since 9/09 915 total posts
Name:
Erica
|
Need LIF therapy again....
So this could be a series of posts...
How many of you folks have lived or are currently living with your parents or inlaws? This subject has been bounced around in my life of and on for several years and it looks like it may come to fruition.
I am not happy about it at all... I am very resentful of it actually.
So for those of you who have some experience with it - any advice you can impart on perhaps having this be a successful change for my young starting family( we have a 2yr and are married 6yrs)?
|
Posted 7/29/15 1:39 PM  |
| |
|
Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
|
|
Need LIF therapy again....
Well I haven't. But I like to think I'm a crisis manager at times when people need help :)
The first thing I guess is examining why this may happen. Is it due to you and your DH or them?
Like is it cuz of finance issues or is that they need someone to care for them ?
|
| Posted 7/29/15 3:02 PM |
| |
|
LSP2005
Bunny kisses are so cute!
Member since 5/05 19461 total posts
Name:
L
|
Re: Need LIF therapy again....
Are you moving into their home or are they moving into your home? Either way, ground rules must be put in place for everyone. Will they have their own room? Will they be in a basement apartment? Could you look into a mother daughter style home?
|
| Posted 7/29/15 3:04 PM |
| |
|
jessnbrian
Only God knows His plan for us
Member since 4/13 7238 total posts
Name:
Jessica
|
Need LIF therapy again....
How long will this be lasting? We lived with my mom for 3 months, and then my MIL lived with us for about 3 months, she will be living with us for another 3 months from September through Christmas before she heads back to Hong Kong. Thus far, I've been the one who could handle it better than DH. She pushes his buttons, and she knows it, she's also very passive aggressive. I can usually ignore her, or at the very least, speak to her in a way that bypasses the BS. DH has no patience for her. We'll see how it works this fall now that we have DS.
|
| Posted 7/29/15 3:20 PM |
| |
|
MrsS6510
2 girls?!?!?
Member since 9/10 3318 total posts
Name:
L
|
Re: Need LIF therapy again....
We own a 2-family with my mom. So while yes, we technically live with my mom, we also have completely separate spaces (we share the basement, yard, garage, and driveway). It's got it benefits and drawbacks - we split all the bills, and I've got my mom there to help with DD for last minute babysitting when I need it (or sometimes when I just need a nap, lol). BUT, my mom is also ALWAYS there, and we butt heads sometimes, and sometimes I just wish I had my own place completely. Totally depends on the day.
With that said, we could NEVER do this with my IL's. DH and I both need plenty of space from his mother in order to have a positive relationship with her.
|
| Posted 7/29/15 3:47 PM |
| |
|
MrsBurgos09
LIF Adult
Member since 9/09 915 total posts
Name:
Erica
|
Re: Need LIF therapy again....
So to answer the questions and add some info...
MIL is not really sick... does she have diabetes and a stent - yes... but that shouldn't stop a young 62yr old from living. She is her own impediment... ever since my FIL died she has been a hot mess - i don't think she has coped well at all. but the thing for me is that she doesn't try and isn't receptive to help.
This would be permanent as she has no income. her daughter - my SIL has been giving her money and supporting her for the last yr and a half... she has recently said she cant sustain it.
SO MIL turns to DH and says maybe you could take the house and I can live with you - I am tired of being lonely.
It needs a gut job and M/D set up and we just had a contractor come out to day and we should get an estimate...
I guess I am just frustrated... DH's parents didnt plan their formative years... my parents did. My siters and I are clear on what roles we will play when its our turn.. DH and his sister not so much.
The reality is - this is happening in some way - be it in MIL's house or we look for a house thats already set up for this.
Im annoyed... we were starting to look at houses and moving - now the gears are shifted... I need and feel I deserve privacy and I want a home that DS and DH have space to go grow and what not... now I have an extra kiid
|
| Posted 7/29/15 4:00 PM |
| |
|
jessnbrian
Only God knows His plan for us
Member since 4/13 7238 total posts
Name:
Jessica
|
Re: Need LIF therapy again....
Posted by MrsBurgos09
I guess I am just frustrated... DH's parents didnt plan their formative years... my parents did. My siters and I are clear on what roles we will play when its our turn.. DH and his sister not so much.
The reality is - this is happening in some way - be it in MIL's house or we look for a house thats already set up for this.
Im annoyed... we were starting to look at houses and moving - now the gears are shifted... I need and feel I deserve privacy and I want a home that DS and DH have space to go grow and what not... now I have an extra kiid
Have you mentioned this to your DH? Have you ever spoken before about what would happen and what it would mean for your marriage? It's not something to undertake lightly. It could be detrimental to your relationship. You need to bring up these concerns immediately and have the uncomfortable discussion about what he sees happening and how he thinks it will impact your marriage. Then you have to tell him what you saw happening and how you think moving in together would impact your marriage. You cannot move forward silently, it will haunt you.
|
| Posted 7/29/15 4:34 PM |
| |
|
edfilippi
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 997 total posts
Name:
Erica
|
Re: Need LIF therapy again....
My mil and I have a rocky relationship in the past. We are ok now for the most part but I would never be able to live with her but that being said if she was really sick and needed help than I prpbably would suck it up for the sake of my husband. Being 62 and having diabetes and a stent does not make her sick in my eyes. It makes her a common American these days. Losing your spouse I am sure is devastating but if your sil has been giving her money for a year and a half she has been given help and time to get her arrangements in order.
I think you have to be honest with yourself and husband. Will you be able to live happily in this arrangement? You said earlier you already feel resentment. Resentment will lead to problems with you and your husband.
|
| Posted 7/29/15 4:38 PM |
| |
|
MrsBurgos09
LIF Adult
Member since 9/09 915 total posts
Name:
Erica
|
Need LIF therapy again....
So I have mentioned it....we have spoken - I suppose its been the elephant. He is very defensive and is very shocked that I am so skeptical and frankly don't like the idea. He is offended. How could I be ok leaving MIL "destitute" he wouldn't do that to me... blah blah
What I have said that I would prefer to have a separate dwelling... not the basement ya know. I need to know that I have a home and then we can set some boundaries.
|
| Posted 7/29/15 4:48 PM |
| |
|
MrsBurgos09
LIF Adult
Member since 9/09 915 total posts
Name:
Erica
|
Re: Need LIF therapy again....
Posted by edfilippi
My mil and I have a rocky relationship in the past. We are ok now for the most part but I would never be able to live with her but that being said if she was really sick and needed help than I prpbably would suck it up for the sake of my husband. Being 62 and having diabetes and a stent does not make her sick in my eyes. It makes her a common American these days. Losing your spouse I am sure is devastating but if your sil has been giving her money for a year and a half she has been given help and time to get her arrangements in order.
I think you have to be honest with yourself and husband. Will you be able to live happily in this arrangement? You said earlier you already feel resentment. Resentment will lead to problems with you and your husband.
yeah everyone is right... I am trying to get my emotions in check... I thought - get the estimates and see a couple of homes already setup as we need - see the costs... then have another convo with DH. I also really want to have a convo with MIL and SIL as well as DH we need to be on the same ground...
LORD why didnt marriage and family come with a freakin handbook
|
| Posted 7/29/15 4:51 PM |
| |
|
KarenK122
The Journey is the Destination
Member since 5/05 4431 total posts
Name:
Karen
|
Need LIF therapy again....
Does she own her own house now? Why don't you sell it and move her into one of those retirement communities. They are so active and every person I know that lives in one. loves it. That way she is not with you but she downsized to a place that would be comfortable for her. Is she getting social security? That should cover the cost of utilities and food as long as you can pay off the housing.
|
| Posted 7/29/15 4:53 PM |
| |
|
MrsBurgos09
LIF Adult
Member since 9/09 915 total posts
Name:
Erica
|
Re: Need LIF therapy again....
Posted by KarenK122
Does she own her own house now? Why don't you sell it and move her into one of those retirement communities. They are so active and every person I know that lives in one. loves it. That way she is not with you but she downsized to a place that would be comfortable for her. Is she getting social security? That should cover the cost of utilities and food as long as you can pay off the housing.
So yes the house that needs the gut is her home. Its paid for - just the taxes and utilities. She hasn't done any work to that house in at least 15yrs.
I guess I never thought of the active communities - I assumed you have to have some$ to pay monthly. She cant get her ss or husbands pension without penalty as she is to young. But I will look into it maybe iits doable... tx
|
| Posted 7/29/15 5:04 PM |
| |
|
chilltocam
LIF Adult
Member since 11/11 9141 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Need LIF therapy again....
Posted by MrsBurgos09
Posted by KarenK122
Does she own her own house now? Why don't you sell it and move her into one of those retirement communities. They are so active and every person I know that lives in one. loves it. That way she is not with you but she downsized to a place that would be comfortable for her. Is she getting social security? That should cover the cost of utilities and food as long as you can pay off the housing.
So yes the house that needs the gut is her home. Its paid for - just the taxes and utilities. She hasn't done any work to that house in at least 15yrs.
I guess I never thought of the active communities - I assumed you have to have some$ to pay monthly. She cant get her ss or husbands pension without penalty as she is to young. But I will look into it maybe iits doable... tx
I think that is a great idea, if you can work it out. My mom and my aunt & uncle lived in retirement communities (2 different ones) and LOVED it. After getting rid of the burden of caring for a big house, my mother would always say she felt like she was living on vacation. She made some good friends, there was always someone around to do things with (even if it was just going shopping) and many activities to get involved in. My aunt and uncle also loved their community - again, made a lot of friends and got involved in some activities. You can use the money from the sale of the house towards the cost of the retirement community (my mom's was a co-op that she bought; my aunt & uncle were in a rental community), until your MIL reaches the age where she can collect SS and/or pension.
|
| Posted 7/29/15 5:14 PM |
| |
|
LSP2005
Bunny kisses are so cute!
Member since 5/05 19461 total posts
Name:
L
|
Re: Need LIF therapy again....
Before you undertake anything, I would look into alternatives like a reverse mortgage, senior housing,and or a cond or an apartment. At 62 she is eligible for social security or spousal social security. She absolutely should seek out advice about the best way for her to claim. Did fil have a pension? Is she an eligible beneficiary? I would want to have a complete financial review before gutting her house and making it a mother daughter. You are putting the cart before the horse, especially if the house is paid off.
So the steps to take.
1. Contact the social security office and set up an appointment.
2. If fil has a pension, contact the office and ask about spousal benefits.
3. If they had a 401k or IRA contact bank and ask about disbursements,
4. Look into community 55+ housing.
5. Look into group therapy for mil.
6. Look into mil going to senior center for community, friendship, and activities.
7. Mil should develop hobbies.
|
| Posted 7/29/15 5:23 PM |
| |
|
NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54921 total posts
Name:
..being a mommy and being a wife!
|
Re: Need LIF therapy again....
Posted by chilltocam
Posted by MrsBurgos09
Posted by KarenK122
Does she own her own house now? Why don't you sell it and move her into one of those retirement communities. They are so active and every person I know that lives in one. loves it. That way she is not with you but she downsized to a place that would be comfortable for her. Is she getting social security? That should cover the cost of utilities and food as long as you can pay off the housing.
So yes the house that needs the gut is her home. Its paid for - just the taxes and utilities. She hasn't done any work to that house in at least 15yrs.
I guess I never thought of the active communities - I assumed you have to have some$ to pay monthly. She cant get her ss or husbands pension without penalty as she is to young. But I will look into it maybe iits doable... tx
I think that is a great idea, if you can work it out. My mom and my aunt & uncle lived in retirement communities (2 different ones) and LOVED it. After getting rid of the burden of caring for a big house, my mother would always say she felt like she was living on vacation. She made some good friends, there was always someone around to do things with (even if it was just going shopping) and many activities to get involved in. My aunt and uncle also loved their community - again, made a lot of friends and got involved in some activities. You can use the money from the sale of the house towards the cost of the retirement community (my mom's was a co-op that she bought; my aunt & uncle were in a rental community), until your MIL reaches the age where she can collect SS and/or pension.
I think this is a great idea!
|
| Posted 7/29/15 5:24 PM |
| |
|
sunnyflies
LIF Adult
Member since 9/09 1757 total posts
Name:
|
Need LIF therapy again....
It sounds as if she isn't sick, but dealing with depression after losing her husband. She needs to get counseling, even if she is unwilling. Her doctor and son should be encouraging her to get it.
Your marriage and life should not be hijacked by her wishes. Your DH needs to understand that having her move in with you, or you move in with her when she could live another 30 years would be an unreasonable strain and burden on you and your marriage.
At 62, she is young. I know. I am 66 and very active, in spite of extensive cancer treatments at 63 and a possible second cancer now (I will know after some more tests). Your MIL should be out and about, working or volunteering, not laying about complaining that she is sick and lonely - I'll trade her my illnesses any day for her minor ones. She is making her own misery.
If she has no money, she needs to work. Diabetes and a stent do not preclude her from doing so. Is she overweight? Then, she should be focusing on eating better and exercising - walking, moving around more, etc. Perhaps she should find a free or low cost town owned gym or exercise program. Libraries often offer exercise classes. My library offers yoga, tap dance, stretching, etc. classes for free. She would meet lots of others and not be lonely.
Some people simply decide they no longer want to work and just want others to take care of them. It sounds as if your MIL is one of them. My cousin did that also. In her case, after my supporting her for almost two years without any effort on her part to improve her life, I was able to get her to apply for SS Disability as she had many health issues - painful blood clots in her legs, blocked arteries in her neck, terrible back pain and low grade depression. After a year and a half, she finally was awarded it.
I also got her on Medicaid so that I was no longer paying for her health insurance and co-pays. I feel that between the SS Disability and Medicaid, she is protected.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. But, if you want your marriage to survive, you need to have a series of open conversations with your DH about what is going on with his mother, no matter how much he doesn't want to. You may have to involve a counselor to help him understand what he is asking of you, your marriage, and what his mother's issues may be. A counselor might be able to help you both figure out how to balance everything so all three can live without resenting the others.
I wish you much luck. (((Hugs)))
Message edited 7/29/2015 8:19:30 PM.
|
| Posted 7/29/15 8:11 PM |
| |
|
|
|
Need LIF therapy again....
I would agree that selling her home and moving to a senior citizen community is probably her best bet and your family's too!
|
| Posted 7/30/15 8:29 AM |
| |
|
MrsBurgos09
LIF Adult
Member since 9/09 915 total posts
Name:
Erica
|
Need LIF therapy again....
Thanks everyone. I am doing the best I can and pushing to explore the options everyone has so thoughtfully given. Not sure where this will take me or my family... There is a component to this that I don't control as she is not my mother, nor me. But I am pushing....
|
| Posted 7/30/15 9:37 AM |
| |
|
