4 year old freaks out if youngest touches his things

I'm going to lose it with my 4 year old soon. He goes completely ape shiit if my DD - 18 months touches his things.

Even if its a toy he has not played with in months, the second she touches it he wants to play with it and proceeds to take it from her. It becomes a big meltdown on both sides.

I have tried so many times to explain to him that he needs to share his toys and that he would not like it if his sister took her things from him.

He also makes a stock pile of things that he tries to keep away from her. He will find a box in the recycle basket and put things in there and then place it on the couch or somewhere high where she can't reach it. The second he pulls it into her reach and she grabs something from it, he loses it! Full on pitch fit, screaming his head off, crying.

We started allowing him to have a few items that he did not have to share with DD, no matter what. Everything else was fair game. This worked for a week. Now the pile has become so big -before I know it the entire toy section is going to be in this pile.

He will also take things that are hers and claim them as his own. She was given a Care Bear for Christmas and he claimed it as his own and made it part of his pile. I had to constantly pull it away from him whenever she wanted it. He finally gave it back when he was gifted with his own recently. Of course, DD wants to see it and he will not let her anywhere near it.

I've explained to him that if he just let her see the items, she would eventually lose interest in them. He doesn't get it. He thinks its 'rude' that she likes to get a rile out of him.

I don't know how to make him understand that he can't keep everything from her. He does NOT do this is school - his teacher has said that he is in fact a great sharer and takes his turns appropriately.

Sorry this is so long - I am at work crying at my desk because it happened this morning. I completely lost it on him. I screamed so loud that they both got scared and DS full on had tears in his eyes saying that he was so sorry that he made me 'scream so scary'.

Message edited 6/4/2015 9:38:57 AM.

Re: 4 year old freaks out if youngest touches his things

I have 2 closer in age.
This happens all the time.
In the beginning, like you, I'd separate their stuff.
But it gets harder (who does the train table belong to, the playhouse, etc).

Now, I say everything is MINE not theirs. If they fight over something, I take it away (not for 5 minutes: usually for a few days).

This was lost on the littler one, but my big one totally gets it after a few major fits.

Re: 4 year old freaks out if youngest touches his things

My rules are - if they don't share then it's my toy till they share. If they don't clean it up and I do it myself it's mine. I have a few games that they haven't gotten back yet.

For the most part they're really good sharers. My older DS, 6 yrs old, is pretty good with his little brother. My 3yr DS is not the best at sharing. If older DS takes his younger brother's toy then the younger DS is allowed to choose his older brother's toy.
They are older so it's tough with a toddler. Now it's tough when older DS has playdates bc younger DS gets really territorial. I told him if he can't play nicely with the other boys then he can choose some toys and play alone in his room. Usually it's about 15 mins then he wants to go back playing with the big boys.
It's tough, but you have to stay tough with older DS about sharing. We usually say what comes in the house is for everyone.

Re: 4 year old freaks out if youngest touches his things

You have to get firmer with your rules to avoid frustration (mostly on your part- to avoid lashing out). Sometimes, the stricter the better. I would have the rule that if he doesn't share, it gets taken away. And I like your just "his" pile, but he has to get serious about it and it has to be limited. like These 5 items ONLY. he cant keep adding to the pile, he picked his 5 my sibling cant touch these items and that's that. Otherwise, if it's causing chaos in the house it gets taken away. Even our highlights magazine had this situation lol. the kids couldnt agree on what to listen to on the radio then mom says ok no radio. they couldnt decide which 1 cereal to get so mom picked a 3rd different cereal. it will teach them to share, be pickier with their battles and just make decisions together. Right now he kind of sees it as him vs her but unfortunately he needs to see it more as them vs you for the relationship to grow.

Re: 4 year old freaks out if youngest touches his things

I have been wanting to respond all day but kept getting interrupted by my kids fighting

I feel your pain!!! Mine are the same way. They are 4 and 2. I will say though recently it has gotten a little better as my little one is now 2 plays better and isn't so destructive.

I do the same thing as pp said. If they can't share I take it and they have to earn it back with good sharing.

Some days I just can't take it though! and I yell too! I sometimes everytime I leave the room a fight breaks out and I can't do anything!

I am also dealing with my 4 year old DD not wanting anyone to play/come in her room. She turns into a lunatic if someone touches her stuff or moves something. I am not sure how to deal with that. Is their rooms their own "space" ?

Hang in there. I am sure like everything this is just a phase

Re: 4 year old freaks out if youngest touches his things

4 year old freaks out if youngest touches his things

Thank you all for the advice, good to know it's not just happening in our home.

I am going to talk to DH about these suggestions so that we are both on the same page as to what happens when he does this.

Re: 4 year old freaks out if youngest touches his things

Almost all toys are "community toys" I don't care who was gifted it - we all share.
When they fight about who had the toy first or who the toy "belongs" to, I take it away. If you can't share the toys then no one gets to play with them. They usually sort it out themselves now at even the threat of the toy being taken away.

I also MAJORLY praise when they share without it being a whine fest. I will reward with a little extra dessert or an extra 5 minutes of play time before bed or an extra bedtime story of their choosing and remind them why they are getting special treatment.