I want to be sensitive to my friend's feelings but not sure how

My good friend at work has been ttc & dealing with infertility for the past 3 years. When I was pregnant last time, I told her straight out (not knowing yet about her struggles), she was happy for me but also got upset/sad, told me she wished it would be her soon (at that point she'd been ttc for almost a year), and then told me about all she's been through with doctors, procedures, etc. She's very overwhelmed by it all of course & is very emotional, I have been trying to be a good friend through it all over the years & just be there for her.

Now that I'm pregnant again, the time is coming that I will need to tell her soon, but I want to spare her the sadness. I know she will be happy for me no matter what, but I don't want to make her sad like last time. She has told me recently that it makes her sad every time she sees a pregnant woman that it's not her.. I feel so bad! I want to tell her about my new pregnancy in the most sensitive way possible, if that's possible. Has anyone been in this situation & how did you go about it?

I want to be sensitive to my friend's feelings but not sure how

Have an honest conversation with her. It hurt me more when people tried to hide it from me bc they knew I'd be sad.
Quite frankly, I don't think there's a way you can tell her that won't make her sad to some extent. But I'd probably tell her first before she hears it from someone else, do it alone, and just get straight to point and move on in the conversation. There will be more opportunities to talk about pregnancy later.
My friends who went through infertility with me - I was truly happy for. Any other friend, I felt ranges of sad bc it wasn't me, no mater how sensitively they told me.
I think it's very nice of you to be so considerate!

I want to be sensitive to my friend's feelings but not sure how

We struggled with IF for three years. Honestly, there is no way you can tell her and not have her be sad. Remember though, just because she's sad does not mean she is not happy for you. I feel like people who knew my situation dreaded telling me and I hated that.

Re: I want to be sensitive to my friend's feelings but not sure how

Re: I want to be sensitive to my friend's feelings but not sure how

Re: I want to be sensitive to my friend's feelings but not sure how

I would tell her yourself before she finds out elsewhere but I would tell her by text or Facebook message rather than face to face so she can cry or react how she needs to without the pressure. I would also make less of a big deal out of the announcement to her. My BIL and SIL told us "big news!!!!" shortly after my third loss via FaceTime and announced they were pregnant again (when their first was 3 months old). It turned out they were just kidding, their announcement was really that sil was going to be a SaHM but I felt sick to my stomach from their announcement and the fact that they did it via FaceTime. In contrast a friend did have a real pregnancy to announce and told me privately by Facebook message before announcing to our circle of friends and I appreciated that although it wasn't necessary. It sounds like you are trying to be sensitive of your friends feelings which is all you can really do. Congrats on your pregnancy!

Re: I want to be sensitive to my friend's feelings but not sure how

I'd just tell her over the phone or text. This is best to allow her to respond in her own way.

Tell her that you know that she must be struggling & didn't know how to tell her without hurting her.

She will still be sad, but it's doing the best you can.

Re: I want to be sensitive to my friend's feelings but not sure how

i can only tell you how i feel when someone is pregnant around me. When someone is pregnant or having a baby I am happy for them. I literally get excited and eager to meet the baby. There is no sadness at all with it until I am alone. That is when I suffer and it's not anger to the person who is pregnant but more of a "i am a failure" moment.

I would simply tell them. NO shame or fear and if they do feel bad it's not about you. It's about their own head and space. The only thing you can do is incorporate them as much as possible because the isolation is where I personally feel where I get sad. Hell, I opened a business that caters to families and children and every job I go to, I am presented with someone that I do not have but I work through it. I feel happy that I get to experience life through them.

I want to be sensitive to my friend's feelings but not sure how

Took me two years for dd. I think sometimes the hardest part was when I saw people have a baby or two and it makes your realize how much time has passed. It's really a marker of her struggle. So she could look at you and see how easily she could have had two children too. That's what always struck me.

I would tell her privately and just to tell her. Not like a special lunch where you take her out. Tell her and give her a chance to then be alone. I always really tried to be happy for others and go out of my way for gifts and planning showers with the hope that once I got preg others would be happy for me too. It's really really hard but she will be happy for you! It's just she'll also be sad for herself.

I want to be sensitive to my friend's feelings but not sure how

For starters I think it is really nice of you to put so much thought into her feelings. You are obviously a good friend. I would probably tell her via text or email or facebook message that you have big news and to let you know when it's a good time to talk. That way she can prepare and hopefully be able to put on a happy face for you.

I also agree with Nifheim. Your friend should be able to show excitement for you b/c this is about YOU and is such a happy time. She hopefully has her husband, parents or other close friends to vent to.
I in no way mean to minimize what she or anyone else has been through. But I just feel it is inappropriate to make that moment about themselves.

I struggled to get pregnant for 2 years while literally ALL of my best friends got pregnant and had their children. Never once did I show anything but complete enthusiasm for them.
It's hard enough to go through a pregnancy when you know all the terrible things that can happen you should get to enjoy every moment you can.

I want to be sensitive to my friend's feelings but not sure how

First off its great that your a good friend and are thinking about her feelings. I had to do this with a very close friend. I called her and told her iwanted to tell her i was pregnant but also wanted her to know that im sensitive to her feelings and understand them. She was so happy for me and able to express her sadness at times to me still when she was going through her struggles. I didnt over share things with her or gush about every little thing.i shared when it felt right. And when she asked. And i listened when she was having a tough day.

Personally i would not text email or facebook message this. That is so impersonal and will make her feel worse I guarantee you. Tell her over the phone.

Message edited 10/23/2014 2:11:05 PM.

Re: I want to be sensitive to my friend's feelings but not sure how

Thank you all for the advice