handling defiance..

HOW do you do it? My 3.5 year old has been showing more and more aggression and defiance and its honestly breaking me apart. Is it something WE are doing? HOW can we help? Is there any reasoning (realistically) with a 3.5 year old boy?

He is smart. He knows how to manipulate us. When we say no, he gets angry and yells, throws tantrums, has even started to hit us (though in a testing fashion, not hard but still hitting).

Some days are great, some I just want to turn my back and walk away ... far away.

After a tantrum he will apologize. He will say "mom, remember when I was acting all crazy?" And when I ask him WHY he acted that way, he just says "I don't know."

I feel in my gut that its all normal but I guess I just want to hear it.

He is amazing with his baby sister (11 months) and has never shown any direct aggression or acting out since she was born. Its usually centered around "no" or when we tell him to do something like clean or do something that instant if he is in the middle of something.

HELP

Re: handling defiance..

I would LOVE to hear how people deal with this because DS who turned 3 in September has been on a defiance roll lately.

He just out right refuses to listen to us more than half the time. We are always putting him in time out of ignoring a temper tantrum over the silliest things.

Then later when its all over he does the same thing as the OP's DS - apologizes and it just kills me that we yelled the way we did.

His teacher says he is such a good child at school - has never talked back or been put in time out, or not listened to her. She says he is one of her best children in class and was a bit surprised when we told her how is at home.

I am due with my 2nd any day now, and I am just worried how much worse this is going to get once she is home.

Message edited 12/23/2013 3:13:15 PM.

Re: handling defiance..

IMO, NORMAL!
DS (3yo 4mo) is getting like this. His is more stomping his feet and putting on an angry face if we say no (to which he usually replies "well I say yes!"). We ignore it. I ask him if he's mad, he'll usually swat the air, stomp his feel and grunt... then I say OK and walk away. He usually comes around because he can't stand being ignored... for now, it's a loosing battle for him because if he wonders where he got his stubborn streak from I'll be across the room waving.




But ask me again in a few months.

Re: handling defiance..

the yelling has escalated in our house (ugh) and so has his... I know that is directly related to us yelling. But I am just at a loss. Sometimes there is NO other way to get him to listen

handling defiance..

Have a 3.5 DD and she is the same way. Teachers says how great she is, listens, polite, shares, etc. but when she gets in her moods..watch out!! There are days she is a sweet angel and other days, uh not so much. I am guilty of yelling. I am a yeller. I feel that is the only way she will listen to me. I also put her in time out. I also have a 21 month old and there are days when she shares with her sister and other days that she doesn't want her sister near her toys. It can be frustrating. After she calms down, she will say..mommy I'm sorry..do you forgive me? And I hug her and everything is okay until it happens again. I truly believe it's normal at this age and it's just a phase but boy am I waiting for this phase to be over!

handling defiance..

My DS is the same way and it started around 3 1/2. My mom seems to believe something's changing with their hormones, others seem to believe that they are trying to test you to see how far you go.

It makes me sad but, my sweet little 4 year old usually returns pretty quickly.

handling defiance..

From my experience... Keep calm. Always. Keep wine on hand. And yes. I think it's normal. Completely normal. Everyone I talk to says that no longer is it terrible twos. It's terrible threes. It will pass. I'm going through it now (the beginning of it) with my second... My first went through it and is a delight. Complete delight.

And now... My second.. Throwing himself on ground in parking lot I fight back tears of frustration and keep calm. That's the best thing you can do. I don't even ignore ignore it, per se. I just try my best to stay calm. Fake it till you make it !

Hang in there! :)

Message edited 12/23/2013 5:04:23 PM.

Re: handling defiance..

We are there... With the hitting too. DS is 3.5.
It's hard.
We are punishing a lot by putting him in a corner.
No fun.

Re: handling defiance..

We are just getting there as my twins approach 3...x 2
Some days especially when in public I have to fight back the tears. The tantrums, laying on the floor in the store etc. forget about trying to get them in and out if the car...if people heard the screams from them sometimes getting in their car seas you would think I was murdering them.

Hitting just started. If they hit me I try my best to not react at all..pick them up, put them in time out and set the timer and ignore them.

Ds has a horrible temper. He can be soo easy going but when he is mad he is mad...there is nothing I can do to make him stop. I just ignore him and make sure he is safe.
He's funny all of a sudden he will snap out of it and say "mommy I feel better now"

I also drink lots of wine
Hang in there! My sister went through the same thing with her ds and he is now 4.5 and things are MUCH better!

Eta: I did notice that these behaviors increased when ds#2 started to move...touch their stuff etc

Message edited 12/23/2013 6:21:23 PM.

Re: handling defiance..

I think they call this the f@ck!*g fours.

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One of DD's teachers asked me about her the other day, wanting to know how she is at home, she basically said, "Do you find that sometimes she's very good and attentive and other times, she's more..." and I finished with "And sometimes you want to run away?" She laughed because that is exactly how DD is! A perfect angel one second, spawn of the devil the next.

Her nickname at home is The Beast. Not even joking. She is the sweetest most loving kid EVER, wants to hug and kiss and love you all the time, but if she wants something and doesn't get her way she is freaking nuts. Aggressive with her shouting, even grabbing us by the face/neck and saying "Listen to ME!" It is scary but I refuse to engage her when she's like that. If she gets physical she goes into time out, if she is aggressive verbally I walk away. It's gotten better as her vocabulary expands, but she is still nuts 75% of the time. Luckily there are no reports of her being physical at school, and I don't see her that way with friends, so I think she saves the extra special crazy for us.

Tonight we sent her to bed early because she didn't calm down when we told her to stop with the tantrum/kicking, and she was genuinely surprised that we were actually doing it, which shows me that we are making too many threats and not following through. No more!!

I am hoping 4 shows a drastic improvement...

Re: handling defiance..

Totally normal for a 3 year old to be defiant. In fact, it's almost expected. In general, 3 is a very difficult age because children have learned they have a sense of autonomy and want to exploit it.

Your child is exhibiting classic escape behaviors. You say he knows how to manipulate you... Does that mean that his tantrums often result with you giving in? Obviously, that will reinforce the behavior if you will often not require him to complete the task you have requested or end up saying "yes" after saying "no".

My DD is ready for bed so I can only give a couple of ideas quick...
1. When saying no, provide an explanation before saying no. Ie if he says I want ice cream and you say no and then proceed with an explanation he will not even listen to the WHY and focus on the NO. Also, at that age NO seems like an absolute. Let him know when he can have what he wants or how to earn it.

2. When asking him to clean while in the middle of something, I find provide a 5 minute warning. Even if he doesn't know what 5 min, is, setting a timer I the beginning will help and he will soon learn 5 minutes is not a lot of time. Even as an adult if I ask DH to do something when he is on his computer he doesn't want to stop immediately.

3. Pair less interesting tasks with more interesting ones. Ie. Once you clean your room I will play cars with you (or whatever he likes) always put the less exciting task first.

Also most important is to provide some love or reinforcement to DS when he does do what you ask. If he doesn't do it, a consequences that FITS and is IMMEDIATE is imperative. So, like I said previously pairing a less interesting task with a more interesting ones would mean if he isn't compliant with cleaning his room without arguing, he doesn't get time to play with his cars after.

GL!

Message edited 12/23/2013 9:28:56 PM.

Re: handling defiance..

When I tell you "you are not alone", please believe me lol. My ds just turned 3 in November and every time I pick him up from preschool the teacher tells me there was a problem. The other day he raspberry type spit in his teachers face. I was mortified!

EVERYTHING is a fight! Getting him dressed, putting on his socks, shoes, bath time, bedtime, getting in the car, getting out of the car, etc. He fights constantly with his little brother more so recently since ds 2 is mobile and "wants" more often now.

Nothing works. Time outs, taking away toys, throwing away toys, yelling, sternly speaking to him, even a little tap on the butt which he laughs at.

I have now been trying my best to just reinforce the positive stuff he does over and over again. I'm hoping he will notice how much more attention he will get by behaving instead of all the negative attention he receives from negative behavior. It is so hard!

Re: handling defiance..

thank you ALL. seriously. almost brings me to tears to know we are not alone.

IVFMiracle - GREAT suggestions and there is definitely room for improvement on our end.

My husband and I also differ on how we handle these situations which doesn't help. I go the keep calm and ignore route which DOES work with out son. My husband immediately starts taking things away and threatening. "You won't clean, I'll throw it out" which only enrages my son and my husband just doesn't get it.

Its like tit for tat between the two of them. I try to tell him to keep calm, take a deep breath and walk away but he keeps going which only fuels DS.

We need to get on the same page with handling outbursts and undesirable behavior.

I feel like he needs more patience, he feels like I need to be strict.

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Re: handling defiance..

Re: handling defiance..

Posted by maymama

thank you ALL. seriously. almost brings me to tears to know we are not alone.

IVFMiracle - GREAT suggestions and there is definitely room for improvement on our end.

My husband and I also differ on how we handle these situations which doesn't help. I go the keep calm and ignore route which DOES work with out son. My husband immediately starts taking things away and threatening. "You won't clean, I'll throw it out" which only enrages my son and my husband just doesn't get it.

Its like tit for tat between the two of them. I try to tell him to keep calm, take a deep breath and walk away but he keeps going which only fuels DS.

We need to get on the same page with handling outbursts and undesirable behavior.

I feel like he needs more patience, he feels like I need to be strict.

handling defiance..

Sound like my dd. Same age. Totally a 3/4 thing. Testing their limits. Really knowing what they want.
Some days are crazy some are great. Some filled with tantrums some killed with attitude. I just deal with whatever I get. Depends on what I'm dealt with lol