How are your DH/SO's handling your M/C?

I'm just wondering how all your DH/SO's are handling your loss?

Mine is taking it very hard - much harder than I guess I anticipated. Some days he seems almost depressed about it. We found out at 14 weeks into the pregnancy that our baby died when it was 8 weeks, so we thought we were free and clear into the 2nd trimester with no problems. I showed no signs of m/c at all, so I think that made it even harder for both of us - thinking we had a healthy, growing baby when in fact it had died 6 weeks earlier. He says in his mind he had already adjusted and was so excited at the thought of becoming a father. He's just finding it very hard some days and I know it just takes time. It just makes me feel helpless, you know?

I'm just wondering how your other halves are coping with your loss?

Re: How are your DH/SO's handling your M/C?

My DH has no feelings about it at all. Nothing. Its very frusterating. I've never before felt so disconnected from him and truly feel like I'm in this completely alone.

I was not as far along as you and the specifics are different.

This is my second mc. With the first one, i let his lack of emotion slide....and he convinced me it was very common. But with the second back to back.....i don't buy it. I often wonder if he even wants kids since he's so dispassionate about the whole thing. I asked him, and he claims he wants children more than anything, but his behaviors and lack of emotion suggests otherwise.

Re: How are your DH/SO's handling your M/C?

to both of you!!!!!


This was our first m/c at 8 weeks. We knew from the previous week's sono that the heartbeat wasn't at strong and the dr warned us it might be a loss.

DH isn't an outwardly emotional person, but he gets visibly upset when he sees me getting upset.

He's very practical about things. He's sure it was just a fluke like the dr. said and that we'll go on to have a successful pregnancy.

Re: How are your DH/SO's handling your M/C?

First off, sorry for your loss. We had some thing similar, I miscarried at 19 weeks, and they think the baby stopped being viable at 15 weeks.

My husband has been handling the whole thing brilliantly, and quite positively. I think its because I am quite positive. We are both very very sad that we lost our baby, but we are super excited to get back in the babymaking game and start trying for another one as soon as we can. I have had wonderful support from a bereavement midwife at my local hospital, as well as I felt the midwives who helped me through the miscarriage have realy helped me to feel super positive.

I think if you can start to think positively, that will help you immensely!!

Re: How are your DH/SO's handling your M/C?

i'm so sorry for your loss....it hit my DH much harder then I would have suspected but he was there for me 110%

Re: How are your DH/SO's handling your M/C?

I am so sorry for your loss.

Everyone's DH takes it differently, mine was upset with all 3, but the last one was the worst..but I think alot of the time he kept it to himself b/c I was a mess with it and he didn't want to add to it more.

It takes some time to recover, it's a loss like any other.

Re: How are your DH/SO's handling your M/C?

i am so sorry

my first loss was the hardest time in my life.. i was already in the 2nd trimester , and it was such a shock.. my DH was taking it hard too.. but he got over it much faster than me.. which is expected because we are the ones that are going through it physically and mentally.. its harder for us .. but again, everyone is different, and there is no right or wrong ..

Re: How are your DH/SO's handling your M/C?

After my IVF loss (I had a chemical the previous year), while my husband was upset, he was able to move on faster than I was. It was the loss of our twin when I got pregnant after our 2nd IVF cycle that really upset him. He was very bitter about it for quite sometime.

Re: How are your DH/SO's handling your M/C?

I miscarried at 8 weeks 2 years ago. It took me several months to move past it, and DH seemed fine and even got frutrated with me for not getting over it more quickly.

He has told me several times in the last 2 years that he reacted that way because he knows he needs to hold me together- which is true, he is the strong one.

I sometimes feel it would have been easier to get past it if he would've showed some emotion, though.

I know he was upset for the first one because with this pregnancy when I started bleeding out and we thought I was going to lose it, he was so angry and confused about how it could happen again...

Re: How are your DH/SO's handling your M/C?

Thank you for sharing, ladies. I was just curious to see if my situation was similar to what you all are going through. Jennypenny I think what you say is true - he was strong for you because you needed him to be. I've seen that with myself and my dh, too. When I have felt low he's been there to pick me up and vice versa. I love that we can be there for each other in that way.

I guess this really just shows that everyone grieves in their own way - there is no right or wrong way and it's not the same for everyone.

Thank you for sharing, and I'm so sorry for the loss that you have each experienced.

ETA: typo

Message edited 4/21/2009 10:24:07 AM.

Re: How are your DH/SO's handling your M/C?

with my first mc dh tried to be strong for me but i found him crying in the bedroom when he thought i was in the bathroom. He cried for a little bit and did a 360 and it almost felt he didnt care. He later told me he had to do that to get me thru it bc i was so torn apart.

My second preg that ended in a mc as well, dh and i for some reason didnt get too excited. I cried when the dr told me i mc again - but for that day. dh and i both took it as what are we gonna do?

My third pregnancy (im almost 16 weeks now) we were both VERY wary in the begining. Dh and i didnt even talk about it, he started to get a little excited after seeing the 12 week ultrascreen and seeing the babys face.
The last 2 - 3 weeks he has been showing more and more how excited he is.
We are both very cautious, we wont even look at baby stuff. i have not cracked open the book what to expect when ur expecting bc last 2 times i did i mc ( i know superstitious) but i cant bring myself to read it.

It takes a toll on our dh's and so's but they try to be strong for us.

I am sorry for ur loss - everyone grieves in their own way. Good luck