Fight with DH, WWYD? Very Long, Sorry

DH and I just had a huge argument.

We live with my IL's. WE moved in with them before I knew I was PG. We were living in an apt and wanted to buy a house, financially it was the most sound decision for us. Had I known I'd get PG (which I am so happy I am for the record) I probably would have stayed in the apartment despite the struggles. We have opted to stay in the house and continue to save rather then go back in an apartment. We have our own area and his parents are respectful of our space.

This is their first grandchild and they are so happy and so excited, and I'm so glad they are! However, I am a little nervous. I'm afraid that I am going to wind up in an uncomfortable position with his parents because they are so eager to help and I want to raise my own child and be "mommy." I don't think my MIL would intentionally do anything to upset me, but I could see her "taking" the baby when he/she is crying or upset instead of letting me handle it.

I found out today they took two weeks vacation when I'm due. DH is also going to be home. I wanted to spend this time with DH and the baby. Plus, I'm going to be breastfeeding, so how much can they really do? I tried to talk to DH about it, saying maybe it would be better if they took the vacation when he went back to work and I'm home alone. Four adults taking care of one baby seems like a lot to me. I said that between me breastfeeding, and the fact that the baby was sleeping so much I felt like they would be disappointed. DH took it like I don't want his parents to be around, and told me that if it was my parents I wouldn't be reacting this way (not true). He said he was relieved that we would have the help, and support if we have a question. We got into a huge fight and he and I aren't really talking right now. I'm so upset, I just wanted sometime with the three of us. Am I wrong? WWYD?

I'm sorry this is so long, thanks for reading.

Re: Fight with DH, WWYD? Very Long, Sorry

Try not to sweat it -- you guys might be really thankful you have two extra sets of hands to help get stuff done during those two weeks.

They can help you guys get laundry done, cook, help clean up, give you time to shower, sleep, etc.

Just discuss this with your DH so he can be prepared to kind of ask them to stay their distance when you guys (you... or both of you) need it.

Fight with DH, WWYD? Very Long, Sorry

I don't think there's anything wrong with just wanting the first few days just you and your husband and the baby- plus I think when he goes back to work you would appreciate the help more then. Maybe focus on that more than the part about your MIL butting in and taking the baby. I could see my mom or MIL getting offended by that because "they're only trying to help" just tell him that you dont want to argue and you appreciate what your ILs have done to help you out, but its your first baby and it's important to you that you have time to get used to it and bond as a family.

Fight with DH, WWYD? Very Long, Sorry

Try to go back and talk to DH again. You really aren't going to know what kind of help you are going to need until the baby comes. Like Becki said, they can help with cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc so you and DH can get into a routine and get to know your baby.

You sound like you have a good relationship with your inlaws. You should be able to tell MIL "please let me get him/her and I'll handle it" if baby starts crying. I KNOW my MIL would do things that we already discussed with her NOT to do but your inlaws seem like they are truly there to help with whatever you need.

It's hard because I understand you want it to just be you, DH, and baby but you really don't know what is going to happen and you might be really happy that they are around.

Re: Fight with DH, WWYD? Very Long, Sorry

Thanks ladies!

I really didn't want DH to say anything to parents, I was just telling him how I felt and it seemed to go completely awry.

I know my IL's have the best intentions, and I really am not trying to "keep"the baby from them, but like the PP said, I just wanted to be able to have a few days with DH to establish our new little family. Maybe I'm overreacting, and it probably to some degree is a result of the fact that I live with them so it's not like with my parents where I know they have to go home eventually.

Re: Fight with DH, WWYD? Very Long, Sorry

Crashing here

We live in my parent's apartment. I have an amazing relationship with my mom but I was sort of afraid I'd be bombarded by them coming downstairs constantly because they were sooooooo exicited to become grandparents. DH was even more worried we wouldn't have alone time with our dd.

Let me tell you it was amazing to have them there. They did give us time but they also offered to watch dd while we naped. My mom cooked, did food shopping and helped clean. When you first come home with a newborn any sleep you can get it pricelss. I was bf my dad was really respectful and went upstairs when I had to feed dd.

On occasion I did say "hey we got it but thanks for asking or I think were gonna all go lay down". If your family and you should be comforrtable enough to say how you feel.

Ultimately its a huge blessing that we live with them. My girls have the best realtionship with my parents. Built in babysitters are awesome. ANd when I was a new mom nothing was better than being able to have my mom around for advice and experince.

Obviously this is your inlaws so it may be different for you but hopefully your dh can talk to them maybe even before the baby arrives.

Message edited 4/11/2013 9:17:11 PM.

Re: Fight with DH, WWYD? Very Long, Sorry

Re: Fight with DH, WWYD? Very Long, Sorry

I don't want to add fuel to the fire but when my DD was first born, i was very private. Nursing also. DH's uncle wanted to have a bbq at my house the day I came home from the hospital !!! Thank god DH was on my side (about this anyway) and we told everyone we would call them when we were ready for visitors. I feel bad you have to go through this because its a very uncomfortable situation. I just hope your DH sees things from your perspective. I would say maybe after the first few days you will be looking for help, especially to get some zzzz's but those first few might be awkward. Good luck.

Re: Fight with DH, WWYD? Very Long, Sorry

I completely understand how you feel. I wouldn't want my inlaws around 24/7 the first few weeks that I was trying to learn how to be a new mother either! I stayed with my inlaws for 2 weeks during the Sandy storm and I have a 3 year old. No matter how nice they are, I feel like when you are living with a set of parents, they automatically revert into wanting to take care of you and, by proxy, the baby. To be honest, I couldn't stand it! I am such an independent person, it was hard for me.
My suggestion to you would be to establish boundaries. Although you are only thinking about these 2 weeks, if you are living with them, you need to think about life in general being around them all the time. If you don't want your MIL automatically picking him up when he is crying, then you need to say something the first time it happens, "Thanks so much! But I've got him" all with a big smile on your face. Don't be embarrassed to leave if you want to breastfeed in private. If they are upset that you are constantly leaving to feed him (since that is all you do in the beginning!), then that's on them.
I wish you luck with this! I'm sure you will find a way to work it out.

Re: Fight with DH, WWYD? Very Long, Sorry

I felt this way too when my ds was born. Even though my ds was home I called my mom after the first night. She went food shopping, made lunch, did laundry all the things I was just too overwhelmed to do. My Dh and I alternated taking naps. She didn't stay with us but someone came over almost every day that first week.

Re: Fight with DH, WWYD? Very Long, Sorry

Because of Sandy i am still living with my parents. As long as your MIL knows the boundaries there wont be a problem. You need to sit down with them and let them know what the deal is... My mom constantly offered to keep the baby overnight so i could sleep but i kept saying no because i wont have that forever.

The pros- you'll get to shower everyday, you wont be as tired as other newborn moms.

The cons- opinions, but youd get that no matter what.

Message edited 4/12/2013 9:06:45 AM.