Feeling hurt by DH

Throughout my pregnancy, DH has shown practically no interest in the baby. Besides coming with me to sonogram appointments, he has hardly done anything else. He doesn't come along with me when I go to BBB or help me shop online, he hasn't done anything to get the baby's room ready, he never asks me how I'm feeling, he doesn't comment when I say "the baby just moved". Am I wrong to feel hurt by this? To add insult to injury, he has recently taken up a new hobby which he's spent about $2K on in the last few months - that's money that could've been saved for the baby or helped buy stuff for it. He's also taken up to spending time with his nephew (4 yrs old), buying him stuff, going to see him straight after work (instead of coming home to see me)....I don't know, maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but when I think of everything in its entirety, I feel so hurt - for myself but even more so for our baby. When I tell him how I feel, he says that he's allowed to have a hobby since he doesn't gamble, drink, smoke, go out with friends, etc etc etc. Those are not valid excuses to me. I expected him to be so happy that we're having a baby and I just feel so let down. I read so many posts on here that girls write about their doting husbands and it just kills me. My DH is a very sensitive guy and this behavior just seems so out of character for him.

So...do I have a valid point or not? Am I wrong to be upset by his behavior?

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

I dont know what to say but

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

First off, I would say my hubby is about 70% involved in this baby...def. not as much as I thought he'd be before I got pregnant. I do have to give DH credit in getting the nursery ready but hes really not involved in much else. He has only gone to about 2 of my sono appts and when I do baby shopping he doesnt really want to go. He does occ. ask me how Im feeling but again, not as much as I'd thought he would. I am very sorry that you are going through this..perhaps once the baby gets here things will change.

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

If it's out of character for him, maybe he's feeling overwhelmed? Our hormones make us worry about ridiculous things, maybe he's worried about being a good dad (and perhaps why he's spending time with his nephew who is old enough to give him a response when he buys him things or gives him attention). His new hobby could be a distraction for him to keep his mind off of being nervous.

JMO

I hope you get to the bottom of it.

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

alot of men get veryyy weird when their wives are preg...they can be jealous,,,scared....who knows....but sounds since this isnt his normal behavior that something is underneath it all....i would be beyond upset...would he go to a counseling session with you?

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

Do you think you could just talk to him about it.? Maybe he is freaked but doesn't want to upset you by saying the wrong thing. Give him a platform see if he takes it. He's probably more nervous than excited. The closer I get the less DH sleeps he's all focused on work. We nurture they provide an I think men need outlets rather than talking about things.

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

I am sooo sorry you are feeling like this ~ my hubby was freaked out when I was pregnant with my DS (1st pregnancy) Men get scared, nervous but don't know how to show it or don't want to worry you. My hubby wasn't the doting hubby first pregnancy I just think his nerves got the best of him but when our DS was born that was it ~ all that he was going through went away and he was happy as can be (he is better with this pregnancy with me and helpful with my DS which I am enjoying) Try not to freak out ~ not sure what advice I can give you but wanted to give you some and let you know it can get better!

Message edited 3/22/2012 6:45:45 AM.

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

DH has never been SUPER involved in my pregnancies. He doesn't like to feel my belly. He has no interest. He did the rooms though, but he likes to do stuff like that.

Your DH may just be a typical male. Carrying on as if nothing is changing. In a little bit of denial. And forgetting at times what's about to happen.

Try not to let this bother you. I think it's more in us, as mothers, to just be aware of everything and cherish every moment, because it's in our nature.

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

First of all ! Men tend to express their feelings differently. DH and I have 4dc and are trying for 1 more and while preggo with each of them he would go to the first ob appoinment, the level 2 sonogram, and the glucose test. I would normally go to the doctor right after work since the practice I was using was down the block and around the corner from my job and it was ok that he wasn't there (usually working anyway). As far as the BRU or BBB thing....dh hates that store. I would rather take my stepmom or even go by myself since I know that no matter what I suggest his response will be 'ok' or 'just get that one' without even really looking at it so after #2 I decided to wait until I was 7 months and do one big shopping trip.

As far as your case he may just need sometime to adjust to the whole thing. Have you tried talking to him? Maybe the 2 of you should spend a couple of days together (weekend getaway) and not mention 'baby'. Just focus on you two.
FM me if you want to chat.

Message edited 3/22/2012 7:52:32 AM.

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

I think when a man is acting out of character then something is on his mind. Men do not know how to express themselves. I have to agree with the other posts that suggests king to him. Not in a defensive angry way or to accuse him of anything. Just to actually find out what hes feeling. I bet hes nervous about being a dad. Are you having a girl? Some men get even more nervous with girls.

And you know him better than anyone how does he react under stress? O

good luck I hope everything works itself out soon.

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

As much as I want to be angry at him for you, from what you are saying it does seem like he may be scared. I would really try to sit down and talk with him about what you are both feeling.

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

Posted by ArmyOfBabies

If it's out of character for him, maybe he's feeling overwhelmed? Our hormones make us worry about ridiculous things, maybe he's worried about being a good dad (and perhaps why he's spending time with his nephew who is old enough to give him a response when he buys him things or gives him attention). His new hobby could be a distraction for him to keep his mind off of being nervous.

JMO

I hope you get to the bottom of it.

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

Thank you & much to all of your for your insight & advice!! It really calmed me down and made me see things more clearly. DH made an effort this weekend & helped me clear out the nursery - small steps but I'm happy! We were chatting over breakfast yesterday a.m. & I was saying something about the baby and he replied, "I don't know about you but I'm scared to death of what's coming". I gave him a and told him he has nothing to worry about, we are going to be just FINE!! We're going to make great parents!!

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

Don't misinterpret his actions. He is scared! Men experience a lot of fear about becoming fathers. Tell him you are scared too and reassure him that things will be fine. I guarantee when that baby comes he will rise to the occasion!

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

Do you know the gender? I know that once we found out our 1st was a DD my DH freaked the f out All of a sudden it was REAL and he was freaking terrified. For us we HAVE to deal with the baby and we are always reminded we are having a baby. I know for DH it just wasn't real...even 8 months og and waddeling around. I'm glad he told you he was scared. Just take it slow and he will open up more as time goes on. If you're near the end he may be just overwhelmed about the actuak reality of having a baby. My dh was awesome, but he certainly had times where he was really distant too.

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

My life changed from the moment I POAS. I was the one who experienced all of the changes. It was easy for me to feel connected to the baby. For DH, his life went on as usual. Sure, he was excited about having a child, but I think it took a long time for it to sink in. He went with me to the sonogram appointments. He was great when I had a scare in the first trimester of my first pregnancy and when I was eventually put on bedrest at 35+ weeks. He came with me to register and gave his opinion on some of the items, but I did the research and narrowed things down before we went to the store. He's not the type to talk to my belly, constantly talk about the baby or try to feel the baby kick. He was happy about becoming a father, but wasn't overly connected to the baby during my pregnancy. It didn't really bother me though. What he was doing was pretty consistent with his personality.

Everything changed when DS was born. I couldn't ask for a better or more involved father. Even though I was EBFing, he helped out as much as he could and provided a lot of supprt. He'd work a long day, cook dinner and then stay up pretty late with DS so I could get some rest. As DS got older, he did even more for DS.

Sit down with your DH and tell him how you feel. He may be nervous about becoming a father or something else may be going on. He may not feel connected yet or may not know how to act or feel right now. He may surprise you once the baby is born.

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

Don't worry..my DH showed very little interest as well....doesn't ever ask to feel the baby move...(or really have any desire to). With my DH i think its that he gets nervous....even when i first gave birth with DS no. 1..it definitely took him a while to bond with our son...now he adores him, is a great dad and they are best buds...
Now that i'm pregnant again..he still isn't overly into my "pregnancy"...he is good with bringing home foods that i crave..but still doesn't focus on the baby in my belly or go to dr.'s app'ts with me, etc....it's just who he is....i'm also VERY close with my mom, and we have a lot of fun talking about the new baby and shopping for her...so maybe that makes it easier on me.
Hope your DH comes around, he is probaby just really nervous.

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

Posted by shopaholic07

Thank you & much to all of your for your insight & advice!! It really calmed me down and made me see things more clearly. DH made an effort this weekend & helped me clear out the nursery - small steps but I'm happy! We were chatting over breakfast yesterday a.m. & I was saying something about the baby and he replied, "I don't know about you but I'm scared to death of what's coming". I gave him a and told him he has nothing to worry about, we are going to be just FINE!! We're going to make great parents!!

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

I am glad that your DH helped you a bit and confessed that he is scared, I think that is the case with most men. They feel a huge weight and responsibility on their shoulders and sometimes it comes across as indifference, but its more of the fact that they are unsure of how to deal with their fears.

Re: Feeling hurt by DH

Happy to hear he made an effort!!!