Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

To help with your therapy:







Hang in there!

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

Posted by InShock

To help with your therapy:

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Hang in there!

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

i agree with the girls...blame anyone and or everyone but yourself!

you have done nothing wrong,you have educated yourself,took care of your body while on meds etc.i wish i knew why this path has led you here..or i even knew what to sday to make you feel any better

i think it is important to vent..you have been through more than most would know in 10 lifetimes.i would be ****** too...hell i am ****** now and i have not been in your shoes.

IF is just a horrid,ugly,insensitive little troll that if it had a face i would kick it

the only thing i can think of and maybe why this is your path to a mama is god knew this baby needed to be extra cared for.Cared for by a mother who would be so so grateful for him or her and would not take one second of it for granted they way so many do.TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

we are all here for you,always but who are we kidding you are stronger than all of us put together

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

Thanks Gina And a special thank you for that 'troll' reference!!


... I don't know why I do this to myself... I went on Dr.B's site and looked at the message board where people write to him, and noticed all the people he said he could help. I miss being a part of that group where he felt so confident in my seemingly easy PCOS case.

I guess I just feel like after 2 years, I don't have a 'place'. I'm not trying anymore... I'm not drug loading and going in for follie checks or doing transfers... Yet- I still am not pregnant and have no baby. It's a very weird place!! I feel like for so long I've identified so strongly with my infertility, that it's weird I no longer have that.

I know this is pretty unrelated to my original post topic.. but eh, whatever..

I was just saying earlier that I MISS using Lovenox. But no.. I don't REALLY miss it... I just miss what it stood for. Using these drugs is symbolic of hope that your body will do something amazing. By sitting on my hands and not using ANYTHING right now.. AND not being pregnant.. it sort of feels like I've given up. I know that's not the case... It's 1:30am.. I don't really know WHAT I'm saying.

Message edited 1/4/2012 1:24:16 AM.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

I can relate to a lot of thing you said... We went through 4 years of treatments and I never got pregnant...not even once! For a while I blamed or wondered what was wrong with me. I felt and still do sometimes feel like a failure. Basically my body has failed at what is was made to do. Now I know I didn't DO anything to make my uterus not work, but I ask myself questions like-what if we started earlier or got married earlier or went to a different doctor, but if I ask too may times I will drive myself and DH CRAZY!
Although I don't post often, I have followed your story. I don't know you, but I am amazed by your courage.
We were going to go along the surrogacy route, but after much discussion, we decided to adopt. Both choices come with stress and "what ifs," but in the end, I hope we will both be mothers soon. I have finally realized that I just want to be a mother and will get there on way or another.
I hope you find peace in your decision and all goes smoothly for you and your DH!
I will definitely continue to follow your journey!

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

I can't really think of anything else to say that everyone hasnt already said. But this is why i wanted to tell you im sorry in the other thread. I knew there was going to be a point where you werent so wrapped up in this new journey that you would start to think. and i truly am sorry that you or anyone has to make this decison.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

Posted by AngnShaun

I can't really think of anything else to say that everyone hasnt already said. But this is why i wanted to tell you im sorry in the other thread. I knew there was going to be a point where you werent so wrapped up in this new journey that you would start to think. and i truly am sorry that you or anyone has to make this decison.

Message edited 1/4/2012 10:43:26 AM.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

First off, you DO have a place... Your place is right here... With all of us nuts. You can come tag along to my appointments. Ok, I know... Probably not the right time to make jokes.
You are one of the strongest people I know. Life keeps throwing things at you, and you keep making the best of it, and there aren't many people that I know that can continuously do that without breaking. You do.
You are grieving and healing. the posts you wrote yesterday and.today are proof of that. You may think you're pushing it aside, but I think you're allowing it in in dribs and drabs, so you can process it. And you will get thru this. You have an amazing support system in your DH, your family, and us. And whenever.you want to vent via.post, or text, in person, or over the phone... You have an unlimited # of us @ your disposal.

Message edited 1/4/2012 10:54:41 AM.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

So much of dealing with grief is trying to let go of a fantasy. We develop fantasies of what we think our life should look like, then when reality doesn't match up we become very depressed. Definitely try to seek some counseling while going through the surrogacy program to help you deal with your feelings. Maybe, you'll see a few glimmers of light. Also, feel free to collect all your paperwork and take your case to a top specialist in manhattan. There is no harm in getting another opinion. Dr. B could be amazing for almost everyone's body chemistry, but yours (and maybe a few others well).

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

Posted by PennyCat

Posted by FlowerWife

you can blame whoever you want, that's your right as a person. thats part of the healing process. go ahead and blame yourself and blame dr. B and dr. P and dr. K and whoever else you feel like blaming. hey blame me, i recommended dr. B in the first place. there, it's my fault.

in the end you just need to give yourself time to heal. i know you are gung ho about surrogacy for what it will give you, a baby that is yours and DHs and no one elses. but you still have to go through the mourning of what would have and could have been. and that includes getting past the blame game. its normal and its natural and it would be weird if you didn't question everything. no one gets to a decision like the one you are making without questions and blame. so go ahead and get your blame on. and then move past it. its better to feel it, live it, see rationally through and move on. although it feels bad now, you'll feel better in the long run. no matter what hierarchy of grieving that you look at, at some point there is anger and guilt. it's human nature. and it sucks. but guess what, as long as you move through each step in whatever order, the final one is always the same...acceptance and hope.

this is the path to your baby. no one said its gonna be easy. but as other posters have said, when that baby is in your arms, you will KNOW that it was meant to be. you will know that all the pain you suffered in the past was worth it because it's the only way you will have gotten that exact baby (or babies!!). yes, if you made other choices, maybe you would have a baby by now. but none of that matters because you did not make those decisions, and the decisions that you did and are making will lead you to the baby you are meant to take home. you have 10 great looking embies and could make more if you had to (although hopefully you will never need to). you WILL have your baby!!

This absolutely makes sense... I know you're right..

I think whats been making it hard is my DH and I have been trying to be positive about this so we have ONLY discussed the positive. We only talk about how this will bring us our baby... I'll lose the 15lbs I've been talking about since August of 2010... and I'll be an all around healthier person not having to be on the drugs and bed rest on and off for the 9 months.

What we HAVEN'T spoken about is the fact that I'm giving up on feeling my baby kick.. and going through a process that most women who have babies get to experience. Or.. the fact that I'll never get to wait on the couch for my DH to come home from work and excitedly tell him he should feel my belly because I JUST felt the baby move.

It's definitely a grieving process and I kept trying to fight thinking about what it is I'm giving up because I know in the long run I have so much more to gain.

I don't feel bad that surrogacy is what it's come to ... I just feel bad we had so many horror stories that led us to this point. I'm just so desperate for our baby....... I don't care HOW it gets here.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

I just wanted to repeat what others have said...don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. In all likelihood, Dr. B may actually be responsible for you bringing a child into this world through a surrogate. What I mean by this is that in a lot of ways, Dr. B made getting pregnant seem easy. I may not know your complete history, but from what I have gathered so far, you were able to get pregnant using Dr. B's protocols. THAT is no small feat. There are women out there dealing with Dr.'s for YEARS that have yet to see a positive pregnancy test. You obviously were able to make some good embryos with Dr. B. Moreover..you have more left!!! That is terrific and you have EVERY reason to believe that you will be a mommy with those embies. Had you not gone to Dr. B....as crazy as this might sound...you might not even be in the enviable position of having so many beautiful frosties to transfer. I hope I am making sense here.

Anyway, what you are feeling is natural. EVERYTHING happens as it should..the good and the bad. Trust that you made the right decisions for you and your future child/children. Goodness knows a break is coming your way..I just know it!!!

Message edited 1/4/2012 1:59:38 PM.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

I agree with the others - you have to do what is best for your health and also to get your baby! It is not your fault! Would you want to go for a second opinion at another RE? My feeling is that if there is some doubts going through your head it may not hurt just so you can be at peace with your decision.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

You have told me this when I am felt the exact same way....


You cannot worry about the what-ifs or the if I did then.... because you owe your embryos more than that. You need the believe your perfect one is coming your way!

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

Message edited 1/4/2012 8:26:17 PM.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

Ok. You listen to me young lady. And listen good.

It's a very easy thing to ponder on what if. What if I did one thing differently? What if we moved? What if we got the egs on cycle x instead of cycle y.

The reality is this IS how it is.

For the love of god, if you get mired down on what IRS you can get lost on that instead of living your friggin life!!!!!! You cam wallow in that for years and never live.

And you are wasting time on something that happened and will NEVER change.

What if you moved and had diffent sperm? You could jave a baby. You could not.

There IS no answer to what if, THAT's why it's not healthy and should be left at the door.

I have mentioned only a few times that my sister was killed in a car accident. It was a freak accident. What if she wasn't in that car? What if she was driving? What if???

I have never once. Ever. Said that. I have never asked what if. Never. I would not allow that moment, that what if moment, to haunt me and weigh me down.

What if her husband didn't die last year and leave their special needs son with my 74 year old mother?

What if is a very dangerous concept, and can take over you life.

I chose, every day, to leave what if at the door. My sister would not wan it. I could not live lie that.

And you deserve better. You deserve to live the most amazing life, with all beauty and life to come to you. You deserve a clean future.

Allow yourself to let it go. It's ok if you do. You are allowed and it doesn't make you bad. You CAN look forward and BELIEVE you deserve everything to come.

So, forget what if. Tell it that it has no power over you anymore.

You need another lecture, I'm always open :)

You are an amazingly strong woman who is a role model. You are human. You are graceful. You have amazing dignity and show amazing strength. You show that the worst can happen and that love can shine through even through the most awful circumstances. I look up to you as a woman of strength and valor. A woman is not afraid to show her fear and hurt and outrage, and come out the other end with her amazing self in tact. A woman who shows us that life does go on no matter what you have to face.

You pick your head up DAMN high. You have shown more grace than anyone I know.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

sometimes i think a part of IF that does not get talked about enough is guilt..

i can only speak for myself and i in no way am comparing my story to yours

but i know i feel guilty..it is my body who cannot get pregnant..it is my body that cannot hold a pregnancy when i have gotten it..it is my appts that make dh miss work..it is my bills that drains our bank account..it is my tears he wipes every single night and day

but..it is our love that has gotten us this far..and our love that will not give up on one another or this dream to have a baby

and it is him..that chooses to love me no matter what..him who is by my side through it all...it is him who grabs my hand and does not have to say a word when the lady in front of us is pregnant

i know your dh feels that about you and vice versa

after seeing what you wrote about feeling the baby kicki could not stop thinking about it...i will not sugar coat it or say it's ok bc that must be so hard

but i can tell you all the kicks,big bellies and vaginal births in the world do not make a mother

all these treatments u have gone through..all the hugs and tears and pain...those are battle scars..you wear them proud..you have earned them..these show how you have never stopped for one second fighting for your child

that is what a mother does..fights to the end for her baby

and when him or her is older you will tell them..u will tell them how much you loved them before you even met

and just bc i know it makes u smile....balls

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

You are such a great person and I know in my heart things will work out for you and I wish you and DH all the best with whatever decision you make. Just know I am always here for you like I have told you in the past

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

On the contrary when you do get your amazing child you will play the What if game the other way. You will be so greatful that that baby is yours. I always thank God that I got this baby...I know that sounds weird but its so true.

Are you 100 percent on not trying again? Do you think you could try again-You are so strong to deal with all that you have felt with. Does Dr B think you should try one more time...

Re: A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

Thank you ladies SO much.. everyones post helps so much in their own way and are all reminders of how I got this far, because I wouldn't have without the support of all of you!


I meant to get my application for the surrogacy agency out a few days ago but we were waiting on some information we needed from my medical records. The packet should be going out tonight!

I hope a surrogate from the agency contacts us and says she's in the business of helping people by not just starting a family but also financially so she will not be taking any out our money!! I can't believe in just a few months "I" could be expecting again!!

ETA: I just wanted to stress again that I would love to quote each and every one of these responses and thank everyone individually for their kindness. I can't even put into words what all YOUR words mean to me... as well as my dh (who I've been sharing some of these posts with) because I am just so blown away by the support and kindness. So, THANK YOU again, even if I haven't come out and said it individually. The support means more than you could ever know.

Message edited 1/5/2012 11:32:28 AM.