I'm so upset right now.

I am having serious issues with my mother lately, and I cannot handle her anymore. She is so horribly nasty to me lately, and I don't know what to do Her and my father decided to move to the north fork, away from all of our family and their friends. My dad travels to Garden City everyday for work and my mom works out on the north fork in Orient. So this is the choice THEY made for themselves, to be 45 minutes away from where my sister and I live. Fine. Let them do what they want. But my mother is CONSTANTLY screaming at my sister and I that we don't go see her enough, yet she never, ever makes an effort to come here and see either of us. She's always too tired or tells us, "I'm 53, I'm too old and too tired to come and see you after I've been working all day!" (meanwhile, she works 8-11:30 am and has the energy to walk 5 miles and do yoga everyday ).
So, now that the baby is coming soon, she's gone absolutely insane, trying to dictate to me that I will be spending the summer out at her house, and telling me I better plan on spending most nights there. Excuse me? I don't think so. First of all, I'm overwhelmed enough with the fact that I am having a baby at all, and now someone is trying to tell me where I need to bring her? It's way too much for me to handle. I told her to please just calm down because I'm having enough anxiety as it is over the baby, and that I will not be staying with her when I pay a ridiculous amount of rent to have this apartment. Ok fine, so she dropped that for all of two days.
Then this morning, she called me at 8:30 when I got home from my glucose test and I told her I was going back to sleep for a couple of hours before I met up with her at 12:30. Ok, so an hour goes by, and she F-CKING CALLS ME AND WAKES ME UP! And has the balls to say, "You never said you were going back to sleep! you told me you already went back to sleep when I spoke to you before." So I got mad and yelled, "HOW COULD I HAVE SLEPT IF I JUST GOT HOME?!?!!?!" I'm sorry, but I haven't slept in days and I finally had fallen asleep and she was calling to annoy me. So then she continues and asks, "Well, why don't we meet up somewhere and then go to where we were originally going?" I was like, "NO! Why woudl we do that? Let me just sleep!" ARGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I finally woke up, took a shower, etc, and called her back and now she's spent 20 minutes screaming at me for how horrible I am and what a nasty b-tch I am to her all the time.
My mother is the most unhappy, miserable woman I have ever met. When you don't do what she wants, when she wants it, how she wants it...then YOU are in the wrong and she will scream and scream at you to let you know. I can't take it anymore. She is so selfish and spoiled, yet thinks that she is this martyr who is sacrificing so much for everyone else. She is driving my sister nuts, my dad nuts, and as much as I can usually handle her, now it's me. Everyone else in the world is wrong in her eyes. She is the one that everyone should be bowing down to at all times. I cannot handle that attitude. That sense of entitlement that she has. She is mad because my life does not revolve around her and her schedule and her plans. I just can't take it anymore. This is how she's been forever. She is a woman with SO much to be grateful and thankful for, and will be the first to tell someone else to stop complaining and be grateful for what they have, yet she does not see that in her own life. And I just can't handle anymore. I am so sick of adjusting my life to meet the needs and wants of hers.
I'm sorry this is so long. I just needed to get that out. I dont' know what to do anymore. I've tried everything, but the fact of the matter is that you cannot change someone. You can change how you deal with them, but that does not always work, as this situation has proven. We've tried for years and years. Therapy, counseling, talking to her, etc. She will just never change and I am so sad about that.

Re: I'm so upset right now.

I'm sorry.

Re: I'm so upset right now.

i am so sorry that you have to go thru this especially being pregnant. just wanted to send you some hugs!

Re: I'm so upset right now.

I'm so sorry she's stressing you out like that. Since you said that you've all tried talking to her about they way she acts and it doesn't work, do you think you can just avoid dealing with her? Obviously not all together, but deal with her when you must. You need to be taking care of yourself and your little bean right now, not catering to your mother.

Re: I'm so upset right now.

Im sorry you have to go through this.

If it were me as much as I loved my mom I would def try to distance myself a little bit, expecially while I was pregnant.
Just tell her you need some space for awhile.

Re: I'm so upset right now.

Unfortunately, I do not have much advice for you - just wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this and so stressed out.

I would definately try to distance yourself for a little while atleast - its not good to be so upset and stressed, especially while you are pregnant.

Re: I'm so upset right now.

So sorry you are going through this when this should be the most happiest time in your life!!

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Thanks for the support, girls. I think it's hard because I am SO close with my mom. We generally have a very good relationship because I am the only one in the family who doesn't put up with her sh!t and allow her to act the way she does. She and I usually have a very good relationship and I can make her see when she is being overdramatic. But sometimes, it's just too much to handle.
I met up with her for coffee before to talk to her about the way she's been acting. I tried to explain to her that, while I know she's having a hard time lately with separate issues, I am having my own issues, and she needs to respect that we all have things going on in our lives right now and I cannot accomodate her every need. She started to take offense to what I was saying, but backed down and started to cry because she is really unhappy right now with a lot of things in her life. It makes me really sad that she's so unhappy, but I told her, it's not my job to worry about that and take care of her. I have enough on my plate. So we are on civil terms, but I told her she really needs to take steps to change what is making her unhappy. And she told me she is. She hates her job, she hates where she lives, etc. So her and my dad are looking into moving back closer to my sister and I. I don't know. I just hope she works stuff out becuase I love her so much and hate feeling like I want to be far away from her

Re: I'm so upset right now.

Its definitely a tough situation and I feel really bad for you. I hope that your talk with her helped and she can understand that you have so much going on in your life right now, that there is no room for negativity or drama. It must be especially hard because she is your mother and should the biggest support right now, aside from DH.

Re: I'm so upset right now.

Posted by dottiemchugh

Its definitely a tough situation and I feel really bad for you. I hope that your talk with her helped and she can understand that you have so much going on in your life right now, that there is no room for negativity or drama. It must be especially hard because she is your mother and should the biggest support right now, aside from DH.

Re: I'm so upset right now.

Re: I'm so upset right now.

Honestly, some of your situation relates to some of mine...especially the waking you up part and trying to take control. In my opinion the reason they do this is because they have a lack of control. When we do something that might be indpependent they need some way to be back in control of that situation. I also have a great relationship with my mom especially if I do as she says...like it sounds like for you. Ive been one to stick up for my rights as well but you can only do so much of that if you want to have a family relationship. My mom at times doesnt get it. She calls my house at 6 am while dh and I are sleeping...Ive learned to turn off the phone. Yeah she got some control by my phone being on but in the end I am not answering which makes it easier for me. My point is...they are in their 50's...not alots gonna change now. You just need to find a way thats gonna be EASIER for you...even if it means constructing different avenues for yourself.

Re: I'm so upset right now.

Re: I'm so upset right now.

Aww I am sorry. I feel for you, because in a lot of ways my mother is like that too. You are going through a HUGE life change so at this point you have to calm down and worry about yourself and your little girl. I am glad that you were able to get out some of the things that were bothering you.

Life changes are so hard especially on a mom. When my mom and I get into it I try to keep remembering you only get one.

I hope things calm down for you. Just remember you have to talk care of you and your baby.

Re: I'm so upset right now.

AWWWW Rachel, I can sense your emotions through your post

ITs so hard with moms. Im also very close to my mom, and theres also those days where we all want our distance, its totally normal !

and then there are those days where I dont know what I would do without her

and at their point in life, they are totally focused on their children and grandchildren, that is their world and their priority (and sometimes I wish they had a hobby or something ). ITs a tough "place". They are the best babysitters on earth, the best ears and shoulders to be there, but they also know the best how to press all the wrong buttons

Youre NOT alone in this.... They wanna always be right, if you dont ok them, you are nuts, oh wait till the advice on "raising baby" comes into play "Why not this way, this is how I did it 30 yrs ago, and youre fine!"

ahhhhh, take it day by day.
I can tell youre close to your mom, and it sounds like youre doing your best to preserve your sanity and your relationship with mom.

I hope things smooth out soon, Im sure its just a little bump in the road for both of you.

Sorry if I rambled with no help
HUGSSS

Re: I'm so upset right now.

Posted by anna

AWWWW Rachel, I can sense your emotions through your post

ITs so hard with moms. Im also very close to my mom, and theres also those days where we all want our distance, its totally normal !

and then there are those days where I dont know what I would do without her

and at their point in life, they are totally focused on their children and grandchildren, that is their world and their priority (and sometimes I wish they had a hobby or something ). ITs a tough "place". They are the best babysitters on earth, the best ears and shoulders to be there, but they also know the best how to press all the wrong buttons

Youre NOT alone in this.... They wanna always be right, if you dont ok them, you are nuts, oh wait till the advice on "raising baby" comes into play "Why not this way, this is how I did it 30 yrs ago, and youre fine!"

ahhhhh, take it day by day.
I can tell youre close to your mom, and it sounds like youre doing your best to preserve your sanity and your relationship with mom.

I hope things smooth out soon, Im sure its just a little bump in the road for both of you.

Sorry if I rambled with no help
HUGSSS

Re: I'm so upset right now.

Thanks girls You truly made me feel so much better. I think sometimes I need to know it's "not just me".

Re: I'm so upset right now.

Posted by prncssrachel

Thanks girls You truly made me feel so much better. I think sometimes I need to know it's "not just me".

Re: I'm so upset right now.

Well, I'll be spending the day with MY mom as she spouts off to me all the reason a "real" woman gives birth without an epidural So let's see whose mom is still standing at the end of the day! Because I'm pretty sure MINE won't be!

Re: I'm so upset right now.

Sorry you are having a rough time right now. Focus on YOU and your baby. Maybe don't call your mom for a while..just take a little break.

Re: I'm so upset right now.

I'm sorry.

she sounds a little like my mom. Sorry I don't have any advice.

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I have some of the same issues with my Mom-Thank goodness she moved to GA-but she was a guilt tripper. The way I try to look at it is-I only have one Mother and she has done a lot for me even though she can be super annoying. Sometimes I just have to back away from her for a few days-I ignore her calls and just avoid her until I can be civil again. maybe you should try that? Good luck!