Friendship issues...

So I wanted to get some feedback on a situation I am experiencing with a friend of mine. A very good friend of mine recently returned from a vacation with her family. I found out while she was away that another friend of ours and her family joined them. Sounds fine - it is...it was but I specifically asked my friend who was going on the trip and she mentioned everyone except for this friend who is a mutual friend of ours. I found out from another friend while they were away and she said " you didn't know?? I thought you guys were friends!!"...I feel kind of slighted. Why didn't they tell me? I honestly would have been excited for them that they were going on vacation together but the fact that they basically snuck off makes me sad. It's very high school girlish I feel. Now I feel like I want to scale my friendship back with them...still be friendly but not share stuff that I normally share with them.

Am I over reacting? Again I am 100% not upset that they went on vacation together just upset that they both did not tell me that they were going.

Friendship issues...

I totally understand how you feel and I absolutely think it is childish of them to lie to you about it like that.

I have/had 2 good friends, and I'm the only one who is married out of us. I feel like since I got married, they've made alot of plans to go out together without me. Just like you, I feel like it is totally fine and I get why they sometimes wouldn't want to include me. But there were a couple of instances where I would text them to see what they're doing, and "friend #1" would lie. I would find out through "friend #2" that they went out, and she never understood why "friend #1" wouldn't just tell me about it.

I ended up distancing myself a bit from "friend #1" and have been much happier since then. My friendship with "friend #2" is actually better than it was before, because it is just a more mature friendship on many levels. In my case, I was always the first to reach out and ask to hangout. I decided to hang back and wait for "friend #1" to reach out to me (back in November). I still have not gotten one text/phone call from her AT ALL. Just tells me that the friendship was not very important to her

So to answer your question, no you are not over-reacting. You need to trust your gut, and if you feel that it would be better to distance yourself from them, then that is probably what you should do. If they are true friends, they will reach out to you.

Message edited 1/25/2016 11:46:36 AM.

Friendship issues...

Being left out or left in the dark SUCKS no matter how old you are. I would be bummed, too. Sorry :(

Friendship issues...

I would be a little hurt that neither mentioned it to be honest.

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Thank you. This happened over a week ago and it's still bothering me today.

I wanted some feedback other than DH as he is annoyed for me and usually he doesn't care too much or get involved in this sort of stuff. He knows that I am level headed and don't feed into unnecessary drama. What hurts the most is that I help this friend out a lot - picking her kids up from school and taking care of them some days after school until she gets off work even though I work from home so its not always suitable.

Honestly this has given me a good insight into how mean "girls" can be no matter what the age

Re: Friendship issues...

Posted by beachgirl

Thank you. This happened over a week ago and it's still bothering me today.

I wanted some feedback other than DH as he is annoyed for me and usually he doesn't care too much or get involved in this sort of stuff. He knows that I am level headed and don't feed into unnecessary drama. What hurts the most is that I help this friend out a lot - picking her kids up from school and taking care of them some days after school until she gets off work even though I work from home so its not always suitable.

Honestly this has given me a good insight into how mean "girls" can be no matter what the age

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The thing is that my friend has asked me if there is anything wrong this past week as she said I seemed "off". I am usually a very upfront straight forward person but for some reason this I am not feeling this whole "talking it out" with this situation. I feel like its so high school like and they have basically shown me how they feel about our friendship and maybe I should move on? The kicker is our kids are good friends so I cannot cut them off altogether. I guess I will just carry on but in a more guarded less of a true friendship way which will be difficult for me.

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Friendship issues...

I honestly don't know that I would bother explaining why you felt hurt. She seems like a typical mean girl and will just spin whatever you say into you being jealous you weren't included in the vacation.
Sounds like she got a lot more out of your friendship than you did.
I would pull back and just keep it casual for the kids. You can treat them as acquaintances and not good friends.
I would certainly not be helping out with her kids anymore and if she asks just blame work demands or a busy schedule.

Friendship issues...

I'd be hurt especially since my two groups of friends have never done that but family has. It always hurts to be excluded, add lying and it just sucks.

Friendship issues...

If it were me, I would very simply say that I was upset they both didn't mention the one friend was going on the trip and that I feel it was rather immature of them. You don't have to make it into a big deal, but I think you should let them know that upset you. Maybe they will have an explanation. From there, you can decide to forgive and forget, or move on.

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I would be upset. I probably wouldn't come out and say anything on my own but since she asked you I think you should tell her what's bothering you. I also wouldn't be so quick to do her favors all the time. I have learned that some people are really just users and will take everything they can without ever caring!

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Honestly, and I don't mean to sound mean, but it doesn't sound like you are all that good of friends. First off, good friends don't lie to each other or sneak around. And second of all, if this woman or women are good friends of yours, then you should have no problem telling them they they hurt your feelings. Friends sometimes inadvertently offend one another, but to me, being good friends with someone means being able to confront them and talk it out.
I'm not saying that would cut these women out of my life, but I would certainly reevaluate the relationship. Its fine to be friends with these women and continue to socialize with them, just understand that they are not your close friends. I also wouldn't go out of my way to help this woman out. If it wasn't an inconvenience, then sure I would watch her kids/set up a play date. But if it makes your life more difficult, then decline.

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From what you've said, I'm a lot like you. Low drama, not much bothers me, I have a pretty thick skin .........and if these two decided to vacation together w/o including me, I probably would have felt hurt, but I would have quickly moved past it .........

What would bother ME in this situation, is the fact that they lied and were sneaky about it ........
1. b/c you only lie and sneak when YOU feel like what you're doing is wrong. So, they were doing thing obviously knowing they wouldn't have liked it if it were done to them ....and they felt the need to lie about it
2. b/c don't make a fool out of me - Did they REALLY think you'd never find out?
3. WHY is she passivea agressively asking you if something's wrong b/c you seem 'off' ?? She knows EXACTLY what's wrong.

If I were you I'd very simply tell them you're offended and hurt NOT that they went away together, but that they felt the need to lie about it. - End of story.

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Friendship issues...

I'm hurt for you. I think that by thinking they were just going to protect you from being hurt, they hurt you more. Did they think you wouldn't find out?

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Maybe by not telling you they were just trying to not hurt your feelings that they went away together and you didn't.

Was the trip something you would have done with them if you had been asked? If not maybe they knew you couldn't/wouldn't go and were just trying to spare you feeling upset you were not there.

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Thank you so much everyone for responding. As I said initially this happened close to two weeks ago now and honestly I hesitated over posting this as it seemed so high schoolish for women in their 40's to be dealing with but I was curious if I was being too sensitive and was doubting my hurt feelings.

I am not upset in any way that they went on vacation. I am not upset that they never even considered asking me and my family to join them. I am just upset purely because they purposely didn't mention it to me and they had ample opportunities to do so...for example a few weeks ago I was chatting to the mom who joined my friend and we were discussing upcoming trips and she mentioned several trips that she and her family were taking but omitted to mention this one - strange!! then my friend who up until now I really considered a good friend blatantly lied to me as I asked her who was going on the trip three or four days before they left and she listed everyone EXCEPT for same friend.

But it's funny how sometimes life hands you a mirror and looking back on some other instances I now realize that on other occasions she has lied to me about other things but at the time I brushed it off. This whole incident just felt like a slap on the face and made me feel like my friendship means nothing to them.

DH also tells me that I do too much for people and I have always defended myself because I like helping people out.

Lesson learned.