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Is this selfish of me - please be honest
CLARIFICATION BEFORE YOU READ THE BELOW: What I mean is, are the reasons I am thinking of for kids selfish ones? Like is it selfish for me to bring a kid in this world for the reasons I've listed below? BRUTAL honesty please.
Some of you may have read this in the relationship board so apologize for the repetitiveness but very long story short, DH told me about 1 1/2 months ago that he doesn't want kids. That's news to me. I'm still not absolutely 100% sure myself but I def don't like that the option was taken away from me and am now seeing a therapist to sort my feelings out. Here's where I'm at so far:
- I worry that one day I will wake up when I'm too old for children (I'm 32 now) and regret that I never had children. I will have missed out on the experience. Sometimes I watch people and think wow, that's amazing and other times I hear comments about how it isn't. I worry that I'll regret staying with DH and resentment will build. But is that a reason?
- I worry that I will be old and all alone.
Now all that said, I ALSO worry that at 32, I may not even find someone in time to have them. DH loves me and I love him. But what I don't like is how much he works, and it's his own business so he has some control. I'm pretty independent but we very rarely spend more than 3 hours at a time together. I have told him how I feel about the time thing before.
So...are the reasons that I'm thinking of thus far selfish ones??
Message edited 7/1/2013 11:49:37 AM.
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Posted 7/1/13 9:27 AM  |
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CrankyPants
I'm cranky
Member since 7/06 18178 total posts
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Mama Cranky
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
I don't think you are selfish, I think it's selfish for him to take it off the table without discussion.
Did you guys have an agreement or mention anything about kids before you got married?
Did he tell you that if you want kids then you should get a divorce?
In any case, I would suggest marriage therapy-I wouldn't rush to divorce or kids until you talk in depth about this.
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| Posted 7/1/13 9:41 AM |
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july4mrsO
Happy boy!
Member since 5/10 2867 total posts
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Jess
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Is this selfish of me - please be honest
I think you need to do some serious soul-searching and decide what you really want and what is most important to you that you absolutely cannot live without. Life is too short to be unhappy. Good luck to you!
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| Posted 7/1/13 9:43 AM |
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InShock
life is good
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by CrankyPants
I don't think you are selfish, I think it's selfish for him to take it off the table without discussion.
Did you guys have an agreement or mention anything about kids before you got married?
Did he tell you that if you want kids then you should get a divorce?
In any case, I would suggest marriage therapy-I wouldn't rush to divorce or kids until you talk in depth about this.
Agreed. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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| Posted 7/1/13 9:44 AM |
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Goobster
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Did you discuss this before you got married? I will be honest and say that if you wait too long, when you decide (or he decides) you do want them and it can be too late. However, it is NEVER too late for a man if he should want them and you both cannot have them. Unfortunately I know someone who did this to his wife...and he left her and remarried a younger woman who he then had kids with. I am not trying to scare you but that is the thing that concerns me for you. You are not being selfish, however, I wonder what was said before you married. I am sorry you are in this tough tough spot.
The working thing would bother me also. I also suggest marriage counseling b/c it sounds like you both have a few issues in your marriage that are of concern. And you are being smart to think ahead b/c one day you will wake up and won't be able to turn back time and years will have gone by.
Message edited 7/1/2013 9:51:37 AM.
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| Posted 7/1/13 9:49 AM |
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butterfly20
Party of 5 - 2015
Member since 4/06 7390 total posts
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Is this selfish of me - please be honest
I'm so sorry.... its definately a tough decision to make....
What I can say is...I have friends who were going to have kids but marriages fell apart and they are past their time unless they adopted single now... I love my first kid so much we went from wanting two to three... my sister is quickly frustrated with her to kids.....
So I think either you need both parents being active or one parent who will take on all the feedings diaper changes overnight wakeups accidents and not show resentment to the spouse for their lack of participation.
Sounds like regardless of kids something needs to change with delegating business so you get more time else be happy signing up for new hobbies...like meetup.com has to get out more
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| Posted 7/1/13 9:52 AM |
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butterfly20
Party of 5 - 2015
Member since 4/06 7390 total posts
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Is this selfish of me - please be honest
I'm so sorry.... its definately a tough decision to make....
What I can say is...I have friends who were going to have kids but marriages fell apart and they are past their time unless they adopted single now... I love my first kid so much we went from wanting two to three... my sister is quickly frustrated with her to kids.....
So I think either you need both parents being active or one parent who will take on all the feedings diaper changes overnight wakeups accidents and not show resentment to the spouse for their lack of participation.
Sounds like regardless of kids something needs to change with delegating business so you get more time else be happy signing up for new hobbies...like meetup.com has to get out more
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| Posted 7/1/13 9:52 AM |
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by CrankyPants
I don't think you are selfish, I think it's selfish for him to take it off the table without discussion.
Did you guys have an agreement or mention anything about kids before you got married?
Did he tell you that if you want kids then you should get a divorce?
In any case, I would suggest marriage therapy-I wouldn't rush to divorce or kids until you talk in depth about this.
I meant are the reasons I am thinking of for kids selfish ones: I'll wake up one day and regret not doing it, don't want to be old and alone, etc?
We talked about kids before we got married, yes. We even had a plan as to when we would have them - at 30 - but then 30 hit and neither of us were ready. But even then, it was never 'I don't want them' it was 'I'm not ready.' Fair enough. Neither was I. We were on the same page.
Re: divorce. Not making excuses, but DH has ALWAYS been an odd duck, so just keep that in mind with this response. He said 'I love you and want you to be happy. I don't want to lose you. But I don't want kids and if you do I will step aside.'
I asked him if that was his way of an easy out for a divorce. He said, no, that's a crazy thing to think and he just wants me to be happy.
I'm in therapy now. He's come with me once but I go by myself and like it that way for now.
Message edited 7/1/2013 11:52:55 AM.
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| Posted 7/1/13 10:12 AM |
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nycgirl
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Good that you are in therapy.
This is one of the most major life issues.
For me, it would be a deal breaker (I wanted children, husband or not).
Yes, it will only get harder to get pregnant as you get older.
Yes, it's not easy to be solo on raising kids. I do know people who have hubbies that didn't want kids and are now not involved as dads.
It's too personal!
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| Posted 7/1/13 10:32 AM |
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alli3131
Peanut is here!!!!!!
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Allison
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Is this selfish of me - please be honest
We all have our own reasons for having children. I could never tell anyone there reasons are selfish.
But I will tell you a bit of my story and a few close friends/family since I think it might help just to know what other people have been through.
I met my now DH when I was 32. There is 7 years between us. I told him early on that if he didn't see a furture with me to just move on as I kneew I wanted a family at some point. When we got serious we had the talk about kids. He wasn't anywhere ready and I knew I did not have forever since I was 35 at this point. We almost ended our relationship because our timelines were not lining up. We ended up working things out and due to my felitily issues we ended up more on his timeline anyway. I was the kind of person that never wanted kids but as I got older that changed. Now that I have my son, I couldn't imagine life without him. He is everything to me and I truly feel complete.....crazy comign from someone who was convinced I wouldn't have any.
I have 2 friends that were turnign 40 and not in relationships and decided to have kids alone. One ended up in a relationship and has a son. The other is goign it alone.
Don't be afrid to have a baby on your own if you and DH decide this is a breaking point. I think its great you are trying to work things out but if you really want a baby then you might end up resenting your DH later on.
Its had and I think you should always make sure you are happy but also know that at 32 you are not too old and while you might not find soemone in time there are ways to go it alone!!!
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| Posted 7/1/13 10:42 AM |
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by nycgirl
Good that you are in therapy.
This is one of the most major life issues.
For me, it would be a deal breaker (I wanted children, husband or not).
Yes, it will only get harder to get pregnant as you get older.
Yes, it's not easy to be solo on raising kids. I do know people who have hubbies that didn't want kids and are now not involved as dads.
It's too personal!
I don't think I would want kids on my own (no offense to the ladies who would do that!) I also wouldn't have kids with DH (or anyone) who was doing it 'for me.' IMO, that could be a recipe for disaster. That's just me. Again, no offense to anyone.
But are these reasons for possibly wanting kids selfish ones?
- Fear of regret later in life that I didn't do it when its too late. I missed out on the experience.
- Not wanting to be old and alone
Message edited 7/1/2013 11:51:42 AM.
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| Posted 7/1/13 10:42 AM |
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by butterfly20
I'm so sorry.... its definately a tough decision to make....
What I can say is...I have friends who were going to have kids but marriages fell apart and they are past their time unless they adopted single now... I love my first kid so much we went from wanting two to three... my sister is quickly frustrated with her to kids.....
So I think either you need both parents being active or one parent who will take on all the feedings diaper changes overnight wakeups accidents and not show resentment to the spouse for their lack of participation.
Sounds like regardless of kids something needs to change with delegating business so you get more time else be happy signing up for new hobbies...like meetup.com has to get out more
That's awesome! I'm so glad your kids make you so so happy. I know how important that is :)
There is not a doubt in my mind - if we had kids 98% of the responsibility part would fall on me most likely. It's already like that with our dog and cat, which I realize is not anywhere close to being the same thing but still. It's responsibility for another living thing. If I was with DH and we had kids, I don't even think I would be working full time so to be fair, I would have more time to do it. Not making excuses for him, just trying to get a glimpse of what life would be like.
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| Posted 7/1/13 10:48 AM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54921 total posts
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by sadandconfused
Posted by nycgirl
Good that you are in therapy.
This is one of the most major life issues.
For me, it would be a deal breaker (I wanted children, husband or not).
Yes, it will only get harder to get pregnant as you get older.
Yes, it's not easy to be solo on raising kids. I do know people who have hubbies that didn't want kids and are now not involved as dads.
It's too personal!
I don't think I would want kids on my own (no offense to the ladies who would do that!) I also wouldn't have kids with DH (or anyone) who was doing it 'for me.' IMO, that could be a recipe for disaster. That's just me. Again, no offense to anyone.
But are these reasons for possibly wanting kids selfish ones?
- Fear of regret later in life that I didn't do it when its too late
- Not wanting to be old and alone
The fear of regret is not selfish- it's a normal feeling.
I woudln't say not wanting to be old and alone is selfish BUT I don't think it's a good reason to have a child. Because you never know what will happen. Your child could grow up and leave the nest and never speak to you again. You could have a falling out with them, etc.
You can't guarantee that just because you have a child they will be there for you in your old age.
So that reason, to me, while not selfish pers e- is just not a good reason to have a child.
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| Posted 7/1/13 10:50 AM |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
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Marisa
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Everyone has their own reasons for wanting/having children - what is / isn't acceptable is subjective, and really, no one's business - but, since you're asking .....lol
I personally think having a child 'so you're not alone' is selfish - BECAUSE, I think it's extremely unfair to put that burden on your children - to make sure you are happy, to make sure you are not lonely, to make sure you have a social life .......that's not a child (or grown child's) responsibility - to be your partner ......Now I'm not saying your children should ignore your existence, but you should not expect to be the center of their universe forever - They will grow up , they will hopefully have their own successful happy lives, careers, families, friends .......I would NEVER want my kids to feel held back by me, or the obligation to make sure I wasn't alone, or that I was taken care of.
It's up to DH and myself to have our own lives and friends and intrests, separate from our children - to continue to grow as they grow - to have an identiry when they are grown and move on from needing us for everything ........(I hope they'll always WANT us ......but they won't always need us)
Long term care insurance for us !! - So my kids won't have the burden of 'taking care of me' - so visiting me is a pleasure, not a penance, not a miserable obligation, not a burden - I want my boys to WANT to have us around for a family dinner, or a BBQ, or a vacation w/ my Grandchildren - (like we do w/ MY parents) I don't want them to include me b/c they feel the HAVE to (but not really want me there)
Message edited 7/1/2013 11:05:16 AM.
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| Posted 7/1/13 11:04 AM |
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Pomegranate5
LIF Adult
Member since 2/11 4798 total posts
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Pomegranate5
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Ok, I'm going to be honest and say that I think those reasons for having a child are kind of selfish.
1. Fear of regret: Bringing a life into this world is a huge responsibility. If you don't desperately WANT a child, don't CHOOSE to have one yet. What if you decide that you rushed into parenthood because of fear, and regret THAT? You could end up resenting your child, and that is so unfair to them.
2. Fear of being alone: As others said, having kids is no guarantee you won't be alone.
Being a parent is a selfless commitment. You give all of yourself to that little person. These two reasons you are considering are very focused on you. So, just from what you've put out there, I would have to say you're probably rushing into a decision prematurely.
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| Posted 7/1/13 11:53 AM |
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ko123
My loves!
Member since 10/07 3002 total posts
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Kristin
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
QUOTE]
But are these reasons for possibly wanting kids selfish ones?
- Fear of regret later in life that I didn't do it when its too late. I missed out on the experience.
- Not wanting to be old and alone
No, they are not selfish reasons. I'm not sure if there is really a SELFLESS reason to have children. For me, I wanted them because I wanted to experience that unconditional love between mother and child; I wanted to teach someone else the life lessons I have learned; I wanted to have a lil "me and DH" out there in the world...all these reasons were really for "me".
Most parents I know wanted to children to fulfill something within themselves. So no, I do not believe you are being selfish in any way.
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| Posted 7/1/13 12:15 PM |
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by Pomegranate5
Ok, I'm going to be honest and say that I think those reasons for having a child are kind of selfish.
1. Fear of regret: Bringing a life into this world is a huge responsibility. If you don't desperately WANT a child, don't CHOOSE to have one yet. What if you decide that you rushed into parenthood because of fear, and regret THAT? You could end up resenting your child, and that is so unfair to them.
2. Fear of being alone: As others said, having kids is no guarantee you won't be alone.
Being a parent is a selfless commitment. You give all of yourself to that little person. These two reasons you are considering are very focused on you. So, just from what you've put out there, I would have to say you're probably rushing into a decision prematurely.
Thank you for your honesty. Thank you to everyone for their honesty. I appreciate NOT sugar coating this.
I hear you on point one for sure. A girl I'm friendly with has a two year old and she's miserable. She won't say it directly, but it's pretty clear from everything she does say. I wouldn't want to be that person either.
So confused... and I feel like I'm running out of time to figure it all out.
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| Posted 7/1/13 12:15 PM |
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ko123
My loves!
Member since 10/07 3002 total posts
Name:
Kristin
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by ko123
QUOTE]
"But are these reasons for possibly wanting kids selfish ones?
- Fear of regret later in life that I didn't do it when its too late. I missed out on the experience.
- Not wanting to be old and alone"
No, they are not selfish reasons. I'm not sure if there is really a SELFLESS reason to have children. For me, I wanted them because I wanted to experience that unconditional love between mother and child; I wanted to teach someone else the life lessons I have learned; I wanted to have a lil "me and DH" out there in the world...all these reasons were really for "me".
Most parents I know wanted to children to fulfill something within themselves. So no, I do not believe you are being selfish in any way.
No, once the children come....you become completely selfless, but the reasons for having them....I think are mostly selfish. If that makes sense.
Message edited 7/1/2013 12:17:17 PM.
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| Posted 7/1/13 12:16 PM |
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Oh and here's the other thing that bugs me...DH loves me and wants to be with me and doesn't want to lose me, but by saying he'd step aside if I wanted kids makes me think this:
'I love you, but I like the idea of NOT having kids more.'
Maybe I'm crazy.
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| Posted 7/1/13 12:20 PM |
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yankeebaby
LIF Adolescent
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by july4mrsO
I think you need to do some serious soul-searching and decide what you really want and what is most important to you that you absolutely cannot live without. Life is too short to be unhappy. Good luck to you!
ITA I think you do want kids and thats why you are writing this. You do however seem unhappy in your marriage and need to figure that out before you do anything else. GL
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| Posted 7/1/13 12:27 PM |
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Jugglemom
LIF Adolescent
Member since 3/12 809 total posts
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
I don't think there is any such thing as a selfless reason to have kids. I was very selfish until I had kids ( heck, sometimes I still am). I was never the the type who would go crazy over kids, never wanted to babysit etc. but I knew that kids were something I wanted in my life and I would have regretted not having them.
The fact is, for me, as a mother - I am not miserable at all and I have a very full and balanced life. I have plenty of time for just me and for DH and I and of course as a family too. Your life with kids is what you make of it.
All that being said none of us can really give you any answers. Only you know the truth. If he is 100% sure he does not want kids then you have to be 100% sure you don't want kids otherwise you will resent him for the rest of your life which will eventually destroy the both of you. Resent is a powerful emotion.
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| Posted 7/1/13 12:46 PM |
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Ltdentway99
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Not selfish- normal!! Think about this, in 10 years will you be happy with no children and a workaholic husband? You may long for a family. I read your other posts and I honestly think before you make a hasty decision, do a trial separation. Maybe, one of you can move in with a parent for a week or two. See how upset your dh is to be without you. I personally believe it is selfish for a man to deprive a woman of a child. It is actually grounds for divorce under ancient Jewish law.
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| Posted 7/1/13 12:54 PM |
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Ltdentway99
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by sadandconfused
Oh and here's the other thing that bugs me...DH loves me and wants to be with me and doesn't want to lose me, but by saying he'd step aside if I wanted kids makes me think this:
'I love you, but I like the idea of NOT having kids more.'
Maybe I'm crazy.
No, that would bother me too. Something is weird there because let's be real, if he is a workaholic he's not going to be the primary caretaker anyway.
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| Posted 7/1/13 1:01 PM |
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by Saphire01
Not selfish- normal!! Think about this, in 10 years will you be happy with no children and a workaholic husband? You may long for a family. I read your other posts and I honestly think before you make a hasty decision, do a trial separation. Maybe, one of you can move in with a parent for a week or two. See how upset your dh is to be without you. I personally believe it is selfish for a man to deprive a woman of a child. It is actually grounds for divorce under ancient Jewish law.
I can't do that. I just can't. I feel like if I did that, that would mean its really over. I can't explain it.
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| Posted 7/1/13 1:50 PM |
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Otherme
Square head cutie pants
Member since 3/06 6899 total posts
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by sadandconfused
But are these reasons for possibly wanting kids selfish ones?
- Fear of regret later in life that I didn't do it when its too late. I missed out on the experience.
- Not wanting to be old and alone
I don't mean to be harsh, but if these are the ONLY reasons you want kids, then i'd wonder why you don't just get a dog instead. Honestly. "Having kids" isn't an experience you have once, its a life changer. And as others have said, there's no guarantee you will not be old/alone anyway.
If you want kids for other reasons (to create your own family with DH, because you want to bring another life into this world and care for it, to have your life enriched by a child etc) then that's awesome, but you haven't mentioned any other reason than the above every time you've talked about it.
You should definitely continue talking it out with your therapist before doing anything.
And if your DH has changed his mind and doesn't want kids, you have more to work on with him beforehand anyway..
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| Posted 7/1/13 1:51 PM |
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