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Annie91606
Brotherly love
Member since 12/07 1816 total posts
Name:
Anne
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by MRsFaTThead
Posted by CrankyPants
I concur, my DD would totally get it.
I don't understand why more people aren't backing the teacher here.
I also don't understand the emphasis of "rewarding good behavior". I think good beavior should be rewarded, but not as a subsitute for consequences for poor behavior.
I don't want to offend any one, but this is my kid. While I expect the teacher to handle behavior in school on the spot and come up with ideas to improve in class behavior, I don't understand how there cannot be consequences at home for behavior issues at school. It's a partnership with the teacher but more importantly, she only has my kids for a year, she does not have the same vested interested in my child be a well behaved child as I do. I talk to my child about what happened at school and there is an at home consequence for poor behavior at school.
I also don't see how missing a party is too harsh. Again, I feel badly that other people are disappointed but I think that is part of the lesson for my child. And, I would think that as a parent of the birthday child, it's a good opportunity to remind my child that sometimes things happen but we can focus on the positive and have a great party.
I think the behavior needs of the one child out weigh a party.[/
Exactly!!!!! I think parents are so afraid to give consequences these days. It is our job as parents to teach our kids that certain behaviors are just wrong. Teachers and other authority figures are to be respected.
It is also okay for the birthday kid too, learn to cope with disappointment. Things are not always going to go your way in life. It is also our job to help our kids learn coping skills.
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Posted 3/13/13 12:16 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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MrsPJB2007
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Member since 7/06 12020 total posts
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by CrankyPants
I don't understand why more people aren't backing the teacher here.
I also don't understand the emphasis of "rewarding good behavior". I think good beavior should be rewarded, but not as a subsitute for consequences for poor behavior.
I don't want to offend any one, but this is my kid. While I expect the teacher to handle behavior in school on the spot and come up with ideas to improve in class behavior, I don't understand how there cannot be consequences at home for behavior issues at school. It's a partnership with the teacher but more importantly, she only has my kids for a year, she does not have the same vested interested in my child be a well behaved child as I do. I talk to my child about what happened at school and there is an at home consequence for poor behavior at school.
I also don't see how missing a party is too harsh. Again, I feel badly that other people are disappointed but I think that is part of the lesson for my child. And, I would think that as a parent of the birthday child, it's a good opportunity to remind my child that sometimes things happen but we can focus on the positive and have a great party.
I think the behavior needs of the one child out weigh a party.
I agree with this word for word.
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| Posted 3/13/13 12:29 PM |
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JRsMaMa
LIF Adult
Member since 11/07 2044 total posts
Name:
Jake's Mama
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by maybebaby
Keep him. The behavior was bad enough that the teacher had to write a note to you about it...and since the incident he still isn't behaving.
this is the only way kids learn. I commend you for what you're doing, not enough parents follow through on punishments or they ignore it which is the worst thing you can do. he will get over it and I bet you anything his behavior improves!
ITA!!!
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| Posted 3/13/13 12:34 PM |
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MrsT809
LIF Adult
Member since 9/09 12167 total posts
Name:
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by CrankyPants
I feel bad for the other parent and the birthday kid but if we want our kids to behave we have to have real consequences.
She said nothing has worked, that this is not a first time offense, etc. This is the time to set an example.
I think no party is fair. Or, at least a warning, "if you want to go to this party you better pull it together for the rest of the week".
So many parents are so soft these days; that has consquences too.
 ITA
My only concern would be if you tell him the party is out, he has little motivation to behave Thursday and Friday. I would opt for the, "If you don't behave the rest of the week, you can't go" but then you can't let the host know if you're not going.
I think I'd lean towards keeping him home. If you're running out of options, this will hopefully get through to him. He needs to know that you're serious and he will be held accountable for his behavior, especially if he knows he's not doing the right thing.
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| Posted 3/13/13 12:35 PM |
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adeline27
LIF Adult
Member since 5/06 3121 total posts
Name:
Angela
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by EatingMyVeggies
My main concern is why he is acting up.
How new is this behavior? Did anything change in his life?
Sometimes kids can be a handful but sometimes when they start a spell of acting up, there's a reason for it. I would explore that, too.
You know your child best. It may help to sit him down when he's calm and open up a conversation, just to see if something is bothering him.
I wanted to stress this out in my previous post. His behavior is stemming from something and I'm definetly not saying something shouldnt be taken away in consequence but to not go to a party you originally said yes to for this IMO is little too much. Punishment/timeouts again IMO should happen right after the acting up. We all have our way of handling situations I do hope you figure out why he's acting out.
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| Posted 3/13/13 1:03 PM |
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jambalady
Is it summer yet?
Member since 8/06 7392 total posts
Name:
Holly
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by CrankyPants
I don't understand why more people aren't backing the teacher here.
I also don't understand the emphasis of "rewarding good behavior". I think good beavior should be rewarded, but not as a subsitute for consequences for poor behavior.
I don't want to offend any one, but this is my kid. While I expect the teacher to handle behavior in school on the spot and come up with ideas to improve in class behavior, I don't understand how there cannot be consequences at home for behavior issues at school. It's a partnership with the teacher but more importantly, she only has my kids for a year, she does not have the same vested interested in my child be a well behaved child as I do. I talk to my child about what happened at school and there is an at home consequence for poor behavior at school.
I also don't see how missing a party is too harsh. Again, I feel badly that other people are disappointed but I think that is part of the lesson for my child. And, I would think that as a parent of the birthday child, it's a good opportunity to remind my child that sometimes things happen but we can focus on the positive and have a great party.
I think the behavior needs of the one child out weigh a party.
Thank you. This is actually exactly how I feel. You expressed it perfectly.
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| Posted 3/13/13 1:12 PM |
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Sash
Peace
Member since 6/08 10314 total posts
Name:
fka LIW Smara
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I agree with leaving him home for the party, I would do the same and have done something similiar.
My son turned 4 in october and he became a total nightmare, picture 3 but with a sassier , disrepsectful mouth 
He has been so bad in school, to the point of screaming, crying & biting to get his way. this kid collected so many incident reports in two weeks. I would punish him with no tv and have a talk with him before I dropped him off everyday. My son also completely understands not being allowed to go somewhere because he was bad. he is a very smart and perceptive kid and knows how to manipulate a situtation. the punishment worked and it went from everyday to a few times a week.
I suggest getting one of those magnetic chore charts, AJ gets a star everytime he is good. He seems to be excited about being good and putting a star on his board after school. Sometimes at the end of the week I will reward him. but I stress that he is suppose to be a good boy and respectful everyday not only to get a reward.
He has been good for 2 weeks, but I can relate to how frustrating it can be and I again I would absolutely NOT let him go to the party. It was so bad that my husband and I would fight over who was going to get him cause we didnt want to hear it
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| Posted 3/13/13 2:12 PM |
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Sash
Peace
Member since 6/08 10314 total posts
Name:
fka LIW Smara
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by jambalady
Posted by CrankyPants
I don't understand why more people aren't backing the teacher here.
I also don't understand the emphasis of "rewarding good behavior". I think good beavior should be rewarded, but not as a subsitute for consequences for poor behavior.
I don't want to offend any one, but this is my kid. While I expect the teacher to handle behavior in school on the spot and come up with ideas to improve in class behavior, I don't understand how there cannot be consequences at home for behavior issues at school. It's a partnership with the teacher but more importantly, she only has my kids for a year, she does not have the same vested interested in my child be a well behaved child as I do. I talk to my child about what happened at school and there is an at home consequence for poor behavior at school.
I also don't see how missing a party is too harsh. Again, I feel badly that other people are disappointed but I think that is part of the lesson for my child. And, I would think that as a parent of the birthday child, it's a good opportunity to remind my child that sometimes things happen but we can focus on the positive and have a great party.
I think the behavior needs of the one child out weigh a party.
Thank you. This is actually exactly how I feel. You expressed it perfectly.
I agree as well. And I understand like in every occupation there may be bad seeds such as bad teachers, cops, lawyers etc because they are human.
But i think blaming the teacher regardless of wether they were having a bad day and may have been impatient is just teaching the child that they dont have to respect authority. Sorry that is not life, if your boss is an @sshole you still have to work for them until you get another job. Unless the teacher is being outright disrepectful and doing something horrible to my child, there is no way my child should be allowed to act like a fool and not suffer any consequences.
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| Posted 3/13/13 2:17 PM |
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Leb
LIF Adult
Member since 12/09 4166 total posts
Name:
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
My dd is only 6months old however when I was 4 years old I guess my mom was on me to clean up my room for a while and I didn't. One day she busts in w a black garbage bag and "threw away" everything that wasn't put away.
I still remember laying on the ground screaming crying. Apparently like a month later she slowly gave them back to me bit by bit. But all I remember is her throwing away my toys. After that according to her my room was always neat and clean (as much as a 4 year old can do). To this day I am a clean freak and always joke to my mom it's her fault.
Point is I remember it and I learned a lesson.
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| Posted 3/13/13 4:01 PM |
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BeachMom
Love my 4 kiddos!
Member since 11/08 8346 total posts
Name:
Kristie
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I would do it and have done it. As long as you call before hand and let them know it shouldn't be a big deal. The party's always do an actual head count the day of the party anyways to see what they are charging for.
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| Posted 3/13/13 4:21 PM |
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cloddy
Holiday 2011 photo
Member since 8/05 8088 total posts
Name:
Kristen
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I don't have a problem with that as a consequence at all IF u think it will work, however you said yourself that time out no TV, etc is NOT working. My DD is 6 and negative consequences are NOT effective with her. She just gets to where she can not turn it around sometimes. But positive reinforcement ALWAYS works so maybe try what a pp said and give him a chance to earn x # of stars or smiley faces or whatever in order to earn the privilege o going to the party. Or some other benefit. Does the teacher have a system of positive reinforcement in the classroom?
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| Posted 3/13/13 5:28 PM |
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Denise
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/09 572 total posts
Name:
Denise
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5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I didn't get to read through the whole thread, but I just thought I would share a little bit of something I have learned recently. Since you say he has been acting up often in school, could he possibly be bored? I spoke to someone recently about my DD starting to act up a bit, and she said "Do you really think she is conciously saying now I am going to act bad, just to be bad? Or could she possibly be looking for more to do, or more attention?" I don't doubt your son's teacher is finding his behavior difficult if that is what she wrote in the letter, but since she has a whole class to take care of, maybe he is looking for more to do. Could she try giving him a special project when he starts to act up? Or just something for more stimulation? I found in my case a lot of times my DD acted up was when I was doing something not involving her (cleaning house, sending an email, etc.) Now I try to include her in those tasks or just leave them for later, and it has made a huge difference! Maybe your son's teacher can try something along those lines. Maybe he is just reaching out for more to do!
ETA: I don't think I would keep him home from the party. I would try to get to the root of the problem, especially since you said the time outs and taking privledges away hasnt worked thus far!
Message edited 3/13/2013 7:26:37 PM.
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| Posted 3/13/13 7:24 PM |
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ElizaRags35
My 2 Girls
Member since 2/09 20494 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by CrankyPants
Posted by aliwnec10
Posted by adeline27
I agree with you DH by Saturday he's not going to remember what he did days ago , he's only 5 years old... Their attention span is not the greatest at this young age. I would have sat him down that day he got the note and talked to him about it. Maybe he's acting out for a reason, is he being bullied, is the class too tough for him I would take away a favorite toy, have him write a short apology note to the teacher. I would also find it very rude not to go to a party at the last minute for this. Way too harsh for a 5 year old.
I totally disagree. Granted depends on the child but my son is 5 and totally gets it. He remembers everything and he certainly would remember his bad behavior and getting in trouble at school.
I concur, my DD would totally get it.
I don't understand why more people aren't backing the teacher here.
I also don't understand the emphasis of "rewarding good behavior". I think good beavior should be rewarded, but not as a subsitute for consequences for poor behavior.
I don't want to offend any one, but this is my kid. While I expect the teacher to handle behavior in school on the spot and come up with ideas to improve in class behavior, I don't understand how there cannot be consequences at home for behavior issues at school. It's a partnership with the teacher but more importantly, she only has my kids for a year, she does not have the same vested interested in my child be a well behaved child as I do. I talk to my child about what happened at school and there is an at home consequence for poor behavior at school.
I also don't see how missing a party is too harsh. Again, I feel badly that other people are disappointed but I think that is part of the lesson for my child. And, I would think that as a parent of the birthday child, it's a good opportunity to remind my child that sometimes things happen but we can focus on the positive and have a great party.
I think the behavior needs of the one child out weigh a party.
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| Posted 3/13/13 8:06 PM |
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PatsBrat
LIF Adult
Member since 10/06 2326 total posts
Name:
Ms. Brat
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by AugustMom
As I teacher and a mom I thank you for supporting the teacher's observations and not blaming the teacher for having a bad day as pp said.
Sometimes an example has to be made and if u feel this is what will do it, you go mama!! I bet you he will learn his lesson!
Good luck!!
I agree completely.
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| Posted 3/13/13 8:14 PM |
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I absolutely 100% support your decision. He will have plenty more parties to attend and won't remember this one. But the lesson will stick!
DS had a friend whose parents cancelled her OWN birthday party because if behavior. That I think is a bit harsh.... But they know their kid better than I do!
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| Posted 3/13/13 8:32 PM |
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lazybug
LIF Adult
Member since 3/12 1013 total posts
Name:
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by Onemoretime
I think it's too harsh! He should not be acting up in school, but you shouldn't punish him based on what a teacher said. Talk to him about it, but don't keep him from the party. Maybe she was having a bad day, bad mood etc. maybe he was tired or upset about something etc. you weren't there so who knows what really happened
As a teacher and a mom, I completely disagree with this. A teacher would not write a note based on her mood or having a bad day. I think it shows your son respect for his teacher and your expectations for his behavior. I would personally give him until Friday to see if he can shape up. I would even write the teacher a note asking how his behavior was. If you told her the situation about the party, both of you can coax him to earn the party back based on his teacher's report on Friday. Good luck!
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| Posted 3/13/13 8:37 PM |
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by CrankyPants
Posted by aliwnec10
Posted by adeline27
I agree with you DH by Saturday he's not going to remember what he did days ago , he's only 5 years old... Their attention span is not the greatest at this young age. I would have sat him down that day he got the note and talked to him about it. Maybe he's acting out for a reason, is he being bullied, is the class too tough for him I would take away a favorite toy, have him write a short apology note to the teacher. I would also find it very rude not to go to a party at the last minute for this. Way too harsh for a 5 year old.
I totally disagree. Granted depends on the child but my son is 5 and totally gets it. He remembers everything and he certainly would remember his bad behavior and getting in trouble at school.
I concur, my DD would totally get it.
I don't understand why more people aren't backing the teacher here.
I also don't understand the emphasis of "rewarding good behavior". I think good beavior should be rewarded, but not as a subsitute for consequences for poor behavior.
I don't want to offend any one, but this is my kid. While I expect the teacher to handle behavior in school on the spot and come up with ideas to improve in class behavior, I don't understand how there cannot be consequences at home for behavior issues at school. It's a partnership with the teacher but more importantly, she only has my kids for a year, she does not have the same vested interested in my child be a well behaved child as I do. I talk to my child about what happened at school and there is an at home consequence for poor behavior at school.
I also don't see how missing a party is too harsh. Again, I feel badly that other people are disappointed but I think that is part of the lesson for my child. And, I would think that as a parent of the birthday child, it's a good opportunity to remind my child that sometimes things happen but we can focus on the positive and have a great party.
I think the behavior needs of the one child out weigh a party.
I soooooo agree with this!
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| Posted 3/13/13 8:38 PM |
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I want to add that a teacher has waaaaaayyyyy more informant things to do in her day than wrote a note hone about a kid because she's in a bad mood. Just saying.
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| Posted 3/13/13 8:44 PM |
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KwaaksNest
Love my boys!
Member since 6/10 2825 total posts
Name:
Samantha
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by PregowithTwins
I would not let him go to the party. It's a reward to go. It has to be earned
Completely agree...i would keep him home. Call the mom and tell her something came up your sorry and send a gift to school for the child
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| Posted 3/13/13 8:45 PM |
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ME75
Member since 10/06 4563 total posts
Name:
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by Eireann
Going by everything you described, I would absolutely 100% keep him home. In fact, I wish there was a party coming up that I could keep MY 5 year old home from.  
I think it would be one if those "it hurts me more than it hurts you" type of deals (and I think *I'd* probably be the one crying!) but it sounds like a little tough-love is in order.
i agree with this! sometimes you need to pull out bigger consequences..and if this works then missing a birthday party will be totally worth it.
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| Posted 3/13/13 8:54 PM |
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Peainapod
Peanuts are here!
Member since 1/09 13591 total posts
Name:
Diana
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
if this has been a consistent pattern and not a one time offense, then yes, maybe getting drastic and not going to the party will send a message.
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| Posted 3/13/13 10:57 PM |
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by jambalady
Thanks, ladies. I am keeping him home and I will send an email to the mom apologizing for the late cancellation.
This is not his first offense. He is fully aware of how he is behaving and when he is asked to stop whatever he is doing (ignoring the teacher, acting silly and riling up the other kids, interrupting the lesson by being goofy) he just ignores the teacher and does what he wants.
I tried rewarding good behavior and on the days that he didn't earn his reward he would argue with me and scream in my face that he was good and I was wrong and throw a tantrum.
It's like he just doesn't feel like listening. He wants to do his own thing all the time.
Parent-teacher conference is next Friday so I will have another conversation with his teacher if I don't see any improvement in his behavior
I think you should talk to the teacher about a behavior chart for the future. My son has one and he does well with it. I reward him for every 10 days in a row that he does well, he gets to pick the reward.
When he gets a bad note home he starts over and he goes to bed early. He gets home around 3:30... I let him have a snack, he goes right in the shower, we do his HW, he has dinner, and right to bed. I've put him in as early as 6:30 and it works pretty well. I've only had to do it a few times. I do feel bad, BUT, I love him and I want him to do his best in school.
Hope that helps. Good Luck!
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| Posted 3/14/13 12:18 PM |
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I have never said yes to a party and then no, but I have RSVP'ed no due to behavior and my DS was well aware of why. I wouldn't say it solved the problem, but he did realize I meant business.
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| Posted 3/14/13 2:28 PM |
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dlj97
LIF Adult
Member since 7/10 4399 total posts
Name:
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5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I would never cancel on a party for that - IMO you are not only punishing your child, but you are punishing the birthday child and parent. I think it is just plain rude to cancel at the last minute for this reason. Find another way to discipline your child - that can't be the only option left. Maybe take away his goody bag or decline the next party you get invited to if the bad behavior continues, but to me it is rude to cancel now.
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| Posted 3/14/13 2:33 PM |
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lcherian
He is the reason!
Member since 2/06 2512 total posts
Name:
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by EatingMyVeggies
My main concern is why he is acting up.
How new is this behavior? Did anything change in his life?
Sometimes kids can be a handful but sometimes when they start a spell of acting up, there's a reason for it. I would explore that, too.
You know your child best. It may help to sit him down when he's calm and open up a conversation, just to see if something is bothering him.
I was going to say this! No amount of punishment changed my dd's behavior until I found out what was causing it. Good luck!
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| Posted 3/14/13 2:49 PM |
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