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CrankyPants
I'm cranky
Member since 7/06 18178 total posts
Name:
Mama Cranky
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I feel bad for the other parent and the birthday kid but if we want our kids to behave we have to have real consequences.
She said nothing has worked, that this is not a first time offense, etc. This is the time to set an example.
I think no party is fair. Or, at least a warning, "if you want to go to this party you better pull it together for the rest of the week".
So many parents are so soft these days; that has consquences too.
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Posted 3/12/13 9:24 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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lululu
LIF Adult
Member since 7/05 9511 total posts
Name:
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I think that for a 5 year old that's too far from the situation to really connect the dots. I think that the teacher needs to be doing more things in the moment to discipline him, or come up with some type of behavior modification plan for school. One thing I do with my son is reward him at home for a good day at school, however I leave it up to the teachers to discipline him at school. If he is acting up at home too, then maybe a more severe punishment is necessary.
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| Posted 3/12/13 9:24 PM |
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CrankyPants
I'm cranky
Member since 7/06 18178 total posts
Name:
Mama Cranky
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by Onemoretime
Posted by NASP09
IMO acting up on a Monday shouldn't get a consequence/punishment on Saturday. The consequence should be much closer to the behavior to be effective.
I would tell him he needs to behave in class Wednesday Thursday and Friday and he can earn going to the party . But don't let 1 small thing Friday ruin it- if he's really trying then I'd let him go.
Ita
I also feel bad for the kid that wants your ds at his/her bday party
Ok I'll stop harassing you 
See,but what would you recommend as a punishment for this repeat issue?
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| Posted 3/12/13 9:26 PM |
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MrsPJB2007
MBA at your service!
Member since 7/06 12020 total posts
Name:
MJ
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5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Keep him home. Clearly you've exhausted a lot of options and want to try something else.
At the end of the day I would not care about the other lid's bday party or the mom making a goodie bag or whatever. That is not a priority or real concern for you because you need to focus on YOUR child and getting him to listen to YOU. So I would just tell the mom you're sorry but he can't attend. Send along the gift and that's it.
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| Posted 3/12/13 9:45 PM |
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Bridex100
Two Under Two Mommy
Member since 3/08 10420 total posts
Name:
Momx100
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by Traysee
I think I would probably do a different punishment at home, but let him go to the party.
I agree. I would let him attend the party but punish him differently at home.
I have a friend whose DH just throws their son's toy out if he is bad. I have threatened to throw out toys and it is pretty effective.
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| Posted 3/12/13 9:57 PM |
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AugustMom
LIF Adolescent
Member since 5/11 743 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by Onemoretime
Posted by AugustMom
As I teacher and a mom I thank you for supporting the teacher's observations and not blaming the teacher for having a bad day as pp said.
Sometimes an example has to be made and if u feel this is what will do it, you go mama!! I bet you he will learn his lesson!
Good luck!!
Didn't mean to offend, but I've been in a classroom ( as an assistant) where teachers totally overreact to a slight thing because THEY are tired or in a mood. Then go on to complain to a parent about something that was so small
I am not offended, I apologize if it came off like that! It's just frustrating because it always seems that teachers get a bad rap when in fact there are many who work very hard! I felt that the poster didnt say anything negative about the teacher and I just think its wonderful when parents knows how important the relationship between teacher and parent is. The bad teachers ruin it for everyone!!!
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| Posted 3/12/13 10:06 PM |
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adeline27
LIF Adult
Member since 5/06 3121 total posts
Name:
Angela
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I agree with you DH by Saturday he's not going to remember what he did days ago , he's only 5 years old... Their attention span is not the greatest at this young age. I would have sat him down that day he got the note and talked to him about it. Maybe he's acting out for a reason, is he being bullied, is the class too tough for him I would take away a favorite toy, have him write a short apology note to the teacher. I would also find it very rude not to go to a party at the last minute for this. Way too harsh for a 5 year old.
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| Posted 3/12/13 10:17 PM |
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LSP2005
Bunny kisses are so cute!
Member since 5/05 19461 total posts
Name:
L
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I asked my 5 year old son his opinion and he said it was a good punishment, and that if he was in your DCs shoes he would be sad but it would make him try harder to change the bad behavior. I think if you have tried everything else and nothing is working then it is a good punishment. I would tell him he is being punished for his in school behavior and will not be able to attend the party. I would also let him try to earn it back, but showing that he can be good in school but as it stands now I would tell him he is not going. As for my own son, I once held back a hanukkah present for a week when he misbehaved in school during hanukkah. I let his teacher know and if he improved to let us know so he could earn his present.
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| Posted 3/12/13 10:17 PM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I say yes, keep him home. My elementary aged school child is definitely old enough to understand a consequence that happens days later.
This is your child acting out at school, notes home from the teacher, this is not a mild infraction. If you were saying you would keep him home for something minor at home, Id be on the other side of the fence. But for 5, this is a pretty big offense and I am with you on this one.
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| Posted 3/12/13 10:33 PM |
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gina409
TWINS!
Member since 12/09 27635 total posts
Name:
g
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by allIwant
I would keep him home. I would call the mom and probably still give a gift.
Hopefully this consequence works for you and things improve
ita i am sure the mom will understand if you call her
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| Posted 3/12/13 10:38 PM |
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jambalady
Is it summer yet?
Member since 8/06 7392 total posts
Name:
Holly
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Thanks, ladies. I am keeping him home and I will send an email to the mom apologizing for the late cancellation.
This is not his first offense. He is fully aware of how he is behaving and when he is asked to stop whatever he is doing (ignoring the teacher, acting silly and riling up the other kids, interrupting the lesson by being goofy) he just ignores the teacher and does what he wants.
I tried rewarding good behavior and on the days that he didn't earn his reward he would argue with me and scream in my face that he was good and I was wrong and throw a tantrum.
It's like he just doesn't feel like listening. He wants to do his own thing all the time.
Parent-teacher conference is next Friday so I will have another conversation with his teacher if I don't see any improvement in his behavior
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| Posted 3/12/13 10:53 PM |
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butterfly20
Party of 5 - 2015
Member since 4/06 7390 total posts
Name:
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I think if you hadn't already rsvped yes..... then maybe....... BUT the parents already were told you were going...... if it were my house, I would have told my kid so and so is coming to your party, and probably each rsvp name all the kids going...... get ds excited for the party........
So no, I personally wouldn't take away the party......... think even if I didn't rsvp yet I probably wouldn't take it away, because why punish the birthday kid?
I think instead other punishments, lose tv, snacks, desserts for longer....
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| Posted 3/12/13 11:02 PM |
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babydreaming
LIF Adult
Member since 3/07 1130 total posts
Name:
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I could have written your post. My 5 yo DS has a bday party this weekend and he has been out of control. I told him tonight that there were three levels of punishment....first offense....he loses his DSi for 2 weekends (he is only allowed to play on weekends), second offense.....he loses Tumble Bus at school....third offense...he loses the birthday party. We RSVPed but I can make an excuse if I had to....and we will give the child a gift. My son needs to know that there are consequences....and I laid it out for him, put it on the fridge so he knows exactly what will lead to him losing out. I feel bad since I RSVPed but I need my son to know he can't get away with bad behavior.
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| Posted 3/12/13 11:27 PM |
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NewLeaf2012
LIF Adult
Member since 1/11 2741 total posts
Name:
....
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I think it is a good punishment for him. He will understand it. And he probably will remember it.. Don't worry about the RSVP. Most places have a final head count needed 2-3 days before the party. If they went over their limit, it won't matter. It didn't bother me that I had 2 cancellations the day of my sons party.. It is YOUR child and you need to do what is in the best interest for your son..
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| Posted 3/13/13 12:08 AM |
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aliwnec10
mom of 3 boys
Member since 4/06 11426 total posts
Name:
Ali
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by adeline27
I agree with you DH by Saturday he's not going to remember what he did days ago , he's only 5 years old... Their attention span is not the greatest at this young age. I would have sat him down that day he got the note and talked to him about it. Maybe he's acting out for a reason, is he being bullied, is the class too tough for him I would take away a favorite toy, have him write a short apology note to the teacher. I would also find it very rude not to go to a party at the last minute for this. Way too harsh for a 5 year old.
I totally disagree. Granted depends on the child but my son is 5 and totally gets it. He remembers everything and he certainly would remember his bad behavior and getting in trouble at school.
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| Posted 3/13/13 6:39 AM |
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CrankyPants
I'm cranky
Member since 7/06 18178 total posts
Name:
Mama Cranky
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by aliwnec10
Posted by adeline27
I agree with you DH by Saturday he's not going to remember what he did days ago , he's only 5 years old... Their attention span is not the greatest at this young age. I would have sat him down that day he got the note and talked to him about it. Maybe he's acting out for a reason, is he being bullied, is the class too tough for him I would take away a favorite toy, have him write a short apology note to the teacher. I would also find it very rude not to go to a party at the last minute for this. Way too harsh for a 5 year old.
I totally disagree. Granted depends on the child but my son is 5 and totally gets it. He remembers everything and he certainly would remember his bad behavior and getting in trouble at school.
I concur, my DD would totally get it.
I don't understand why more people aren't backing the teacher here.
I also don't understand the emphasis of "rewarding good behavior". I think good beavior should be rewarded, but not as a subsitute for consequences for poor behavior.
I don't want to offend any one, but this is my kid. While I expect the teacher to handle behavior in school on the spot and come up with ideas to improve in class behavior, I don't understand how there cannot be consequences at home for behavior issues at school. It's a partnership with the teacher but more importantly, she only has my kids for a year, she does not have the same vested interested in my child be a well behaved child as I do. I talk to my child about what happened at school and there is an at home consequence for poor behavior at school.
I also don't see how missing a party is too harsh. Again, I feel badly that other people are disappointed but I think that is part of the lesson for my child. And, I would think that as a parent of the birthday child, it's a good opportunity to remind my child that sometimes things happen but we can focus on the positive and have a great party.
I think the behavior needs of the one child out weigh a party.
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| Posted 3/13/13 9:52 AM |
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babydreaming
LIF Adult
Member since 3/07 1130 total posts
Name:
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I totally disagree. Granted depends on the child but my son is 5 and totally gets it. He remembers everything and he certainly would remember his bad behavior and getting in trouble at school.
I agree with you. My DS just turned 5. Last October, he went through one of his worst phases. We took away the Tumble Bus (fun bus)from him that comes to his school for 1 week. It was effective and he still remembers.
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| Posted 3/13/13 9:56 AM |
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BriBri2u
L'amore vince sempre
Member since 5/05 9320 total posts
Name:
Mrs. B
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by CrankyPants
Posted by aliwnec10
Posted by adeline27
I agree with you DH by Saturday he's not going to remember what he did days ago , he's only 5 years old... Their attention span is not the greatest at this young age. I would have sat him down that day he got the note and talked to him about it. Maybe he's acting out for a reason, is he being bullied, is the class too tough for him I would take away a favorite toy, have him write a short apology note to the teacher. I would also find it very rude not to go to a party at the last minute for this. Way too harsh for a 5 year old.
I totally disagree. Granted depends on the child but my son is 5 and totally gets it. He remembers everything and he certainly would remember his bad behavior and getting in trouble at school.
I concur, my DD would totally get it.
I don't understand why more people aren't backing the teacher here.
I also don't understand the emphasis of "rewarding good behavior". I think good beavior should be rewarded, but not as a subsitute for consequences for poor behavior.
I don't want to offend any one, but this is my kid. While I expect the teacher to handle behavior in school on the spot and come up with ideas to improve in class behavior, I don't understand how there cannot be consequences at home for behavior issues at school. It's a partnership with the teacher but more importantly, she only has my kids for a year, she does not have the same vested interested in my child be a well behaved child as I do. I talk to my child about what happened at school and there is an at home consequence for poor behavior at school.
I also don't see how missing a party is too harsh. Again, I feel badly that other people are disappointed but I think that is part of the lesson for my child. And, I would think that as a parent of the birthday child, it's a good opportunity to remind my child that sometimes things happen but we can focus on the positive and have a great party.
I think the behavior needs of the one child out weigh a party.
I 100% agree with everything you wrote!
I''m a bit  at the posters who think its a harsh punishment. He is 5 years old - he is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. He's been warned several times about his behavior and is still not listening.
I think the OP is doing the right thing. She is putting her foot down and not tolerating his behavior and letting him know she means business.
I also don't think she should think of a diifferent punishment. To me if you don't make the punishment harsh enough for them to understand the consequences of their behavior, they will know you aren't being serious the next time. This allows them to continue their behavior - they control you.
The host being upset because I am cancelling days before the party would be the least of my concerns. It's a birthday party not a wedding - i'll give you the $5 for the goody bag lolol
Message edited 3/13/2013 10:08:57 AM.
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| Posted 3/13/13 10:07 AM |
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5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
My main concern is why he is acting up.
How new is this behavior? Did anything change in his life?
Sometimes kids can be a handful but sometimes when they start a spell of acting up, there's a reason for it. I would explore that, too.
You know your child best. It may help to sit him down when he's calm and open up a conversation, just to see if something is bothering him.
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| Posted 3/13/13 11:19 AM |
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Michelle1123
Baby #5 on the way!
Member since 9/05 7919 total posts
Name:
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5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
I agree with keeping him home.
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| Posted 3/13/13 11:26 AM |
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Jacquelina
LIF Adolescent
Member since 10/11 767 total posts
Name:
Jacqueline
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by maybebaby
Keep him. The behavior was bad enough that the teacher had to write a note to you about it...and since the incident he still isn't behaving.
this is the only way kids learn. I commend you for what you're doing, not enough parents follow through on punishments or they ignore it which is the worst thing you can do. he will get over it and I bet you anything his behavior improves!
100% agree with this. Consequence is the ONLY way kids learn. He'll have plenty of other birthday parties to go to...
If a mom called me and explained the reason why she was cancelling such last minute, I would completely respect her decision.
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| Posted 3/13/13 11:34 AM |
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kahlua716
3 Girls for Me!
Member since 8/07 12475 total posts
Name:
Keri
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
NM...decided to agree with someone else 
Message edited 3/13/2013 11:53:29 AM.
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| Posted 3/13/13 11:52 AM |
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kahlua716
3 Girls for Me!
Member since 8/07 12475 total posts
Name:
Keri
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by CrankyPants
I feel bad for the other parent and the birthday kid but if we want our kids to behave we have to have real consequences.
She said nothing has worked, that this is not a first time offense, etc. This is the time to set an example.
I think no party is fair. Or, at least a warning, "if you want to go to this party you better pull it together for the rest of the week".
So many parents are so soft these days; that has consquences too.
Agreed.
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| Posted 3/13/13 11:53 AM |
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MRsFaTThead
NY GIRL IN TEXAS
Member since 6/10 5483 total posts
Name:
WHO GIVES A POO WHO GIVES A FUDGE !!
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Posted by CrankyPants
I concur, my DD would totally get it.
I don't understand why more people aren't backing the teacher here.
I also don't understand the emphasis of "rewarding good behavior". I think good beavior should be rewarded, but not as a subsitute for consequences for poor behavior.
I don't want to offend any one, but this is my kid. While I expect the teacher to handle behavior in school on the spot and come up with ideas to improve in class behavior, I don't understand how there cannot be consequences at home for behavior issues at school. It's a partnership with the teacher but more importantly, she only has my kids for a year, she does not have the same vested interested in my child be a well behaved child as I do. I talk to my child about what happened at school and there is an at home consequence for poor behavior at school.
I also don't see how missing a party is too harsh. Again, I feel badly that other people are disappointed but I think that is part of the lesson for my child. And, I would think that as a parent of the birthday child, it's a good opportunity to remind my child that sometimes things happen but we can focus on the positive and have a great party.
I think the behavior needs of the one child out weigh a party.
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| Posted 3/13/13 11:57 AM |
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jennielee15
Let's try this again....
Member since 7/11 2269 total posts
Name:
Jennie
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Re: 5 year - punishment and birthday party RSVP
Let me preface this by saying I'm not a parent yet....3 more months.....but as a Social worker I would have a patient keep their son home. If he was a little older I would suggest making him go to the party but not let him participate, but being he is 5, that might be too harsh! I see you made the decision to keep him home....good for you, just make sure he is reminded of when the party is and that he was suppose to be there.
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| Posted 3/13/13 12:08 PM |
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