how do you deal with losing your independence?

DS is 8 weeks old and I'm really not enjoying motherhood so far. No PPD or anything, but I just feel trapped by having a baby and not being able to do anything for myself anymore. I used to be extremely independent and and now the exact opposite of that.

I liked being able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to, to be able to go out without having it be a big production, i even miss doing the dishes without interruptions!

The past few weeks, DS has been more alert during the day which is great because it's cute to play with him, but it's also annoying because it means I have even less time for my own stuff.

Any advice for how i can get myself to enjoy motherhood more? Or do I just need time to get used to everything?

I should add that I'm still on maternity leave till next month and DH has been working a lot so he can't help during the days. My mom has been helping me out a lot but it just isn't enough.

Re: how do you deal with losing your independence?

Hey there. Wow I can't believe he's 8 weeks already! I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way and you are certainly not the only one. You need time. You will get into a routine and things will become easier. It sounds like you will enjoy going back to work. I was looking forward to it too. Once DS is on a good schedule you won't have constant interruptions. It's tough when they're really little. As far as getting out of the house and going about your normal routine - go. Take him with you! That will be your new normal and the best thing you can do is get you/him used to it now. It's actually easier to take them out when they're really little and can stay in the carrier, IMO.

how do you deal with losing your independence?

I totally felt your pain when DD was just born. For me I got use to it and when DH came home and was settled I gave him the baby and ran outside and walked around Duane Reade for like an hour so I could have some time to myself. I guess if you DH can take care of the baby for a couple of hours so you can have some you time even to take a LONG hot shower that would save your sanity.

Re: how do you deal with losing your independence?

I remember feeling something similiar. I was so independent. I've lived on my own for so long and even DH and I started out long distance so I always had me time, time with friends or time with DH. WHen I wanted.
Honestly I didn't fall in love with DS right away. I loved him, but took a while for the love to grow. I kinda thought... Who is this little guy invading my life and has to rely on me for everything.
You need to take your "ME" time. Let DH know. Am him to watch the baby and run out for a mani/pedi, go shopping or meet with a girl friend.
Believe me before you know it you'll have a routine down. You'll get to know each other more and more and fall in love.
DH and I started out saying when we have kids we want the kids apart of our lives and not our lives. Just like our parents. We did family stuff and we will do our own stuff too. It is easier now that my boys are a little older. I also don't and didn't start out holding them 24/7. They are pretty independent as well. We have lots of cuddle time and they also know how to play together or independently. Never rocked the boys to sleep either. They are in bed early and that's when I have my own time or time with DH. I meet with my girl friends once a month depending on our schedules too. DH and I take advantage of inlaws or my parents over so we can run out. Now I'm more in love with the boys then ever and can't imagine my time before them, but I also like my space as well. Perfectly norlmal.

Re: how do you deal with losing your independence?

I felt the same way when my first son was born almost 5 years ago!

I was always a very independent person and liked being on my own. It was a big adjustment to get married (at age 34) and have a baby (age 35).

I had a rough rough time in the beginning, for many of the reasons you described. It got much easier once my baby was over 6 months old, and more interactive, etc. I was also very isolated early on. I was home on maternity leave for 16 weeks, alone, with family over an hour away. DH was gone 12 hours most days, I had no help and I was alone. That certainly didn't help!

It does get better- and I did adjust, with passing time I got acclimated to my new life, and my new role. I had another child 2 years later, which I would NOT have done if things didn't get better with the first one!

I hope things get easier for you soon. It is hard, when you hear about other people who just immediately fall in love with motherhood and say they never miss their old life!

how do you deal with losing your independence?

Crashing but I thought this might help - I have a cousin who recently had a baby girl. She knew from the beginning that the stay at home mom thing wasn't for her. She looked forward to going back to work, being with other adults, running errands quickly at the end of the day and then coming home to enjoy her time with her daughter.

how do you deal with losing your independence?

Take him with you. I took my DS everywhere and still do. When I was on leave I would get us up and off to DD to get coffee. Yup I would bundle him up in January for a five minute trip but that was part if my daily routine and I just added him to it. He ended being the best kid in public and now we can take him to any restaurant or store cause he is used to being out.

Interruptions at home. You will get used to it and learn to Multi task.

Re: how do you deal with losing your independence?

Ive been on my own with them since 3 weeks. DH lucked out that his job closed for the storm and he got extra time off. I just started taking my girls out. They are also 8 weeks. DH and I went to the mall and lunchand BBB last week and I went to the outlets to a few stores yesterday. One store with a friend which helped and one alone. It's a pain lugging them around but I feel better that I actually go out and dto stuff.

Its tough (with 2) to go shopping somewhere because I cant push a cart and them alone so I think twice about going to target or grocery shopping. I figure I need to do it now because it will be harder when I go back to work and have less time and when they are bigger and dont sleep as much or want to grab at everything or not stay in the stroller.

It is what it is and I think you just have to get used to it. Just like not sleeping lol (Im still not used to that lol)

Message edited 12/12/2012 6:11:54 PM.

Re: how do you deal with losing your independence?

For me it was time. I eventually got used to a new normal. I learned to take him with me places and ask for a break from DH and my mom. But I felt very much like you describe for awhile.

Re: how do you deal with losing your independence?

Hang in there! It gets MUCH better. This is just a phase, they get more and more independant as they get older and you get your life back. By 6 months I noticed it was getting better by 12 months I felt like me again. 18 months was even better and now by 2 it was really great. I only started likeing being a mom around 12 months now I LOVE it!

how do you deal with losing your independence?

Start getting out with him. It's tough at first but will get easier and easier. As a SAHM, I sometimes think about what it would be like if I had gone back to work. Not that I regret anything, but I think I'd be so much better at doing things without her. DD is 7 months and I hardly ever leave her because I'm just not that comfortable or good at it. I will say I love visiting my old office and catching up with all my girls there. I think once you get the hang of bringing DS out with you and go back to work you'll probably feel better. Also, as they get older they get better at entertaining themselves. DD sits on the floor with a bin of toys and just pulls things out, dumps the bin, chews the bin...and I can get a lot done. The excersuacer, jumper, all that stuff will help as he gets older.

how do you deal with losing your independence?

Take him out, go. These kids come into our worlds they need to get on board with our lives. Its hard, and it sucks at first, but the more you go and just do you the better you will both be. Start from now, take him to the mall or target anywhere get him used to your life. Be loud, do you and he will just follow along.

Re: how do you deal with losing your independence?

I had a post very similar to yours about a week or so ago. Like you I thought it was a production to go out to do anything. I can't really food shop either because the carrier takes up the cart, there's no room for food! I wait for DH to get home or the weekends to run certain errands. And I joined a new moms group. I also try to just get out for coffee or whatever. I just take the baby with me. As you get used to being out with the baby it gets easier. DD is 8 weeks also!

Re: how do you deal with losing your independence?

take your LO with you. I have been taking my twins everywhere (as long as it fits into nap time) since they hit their due date at 10 weeks old. It takes some getting accustom to. I shopped with the re-useable bags attached to my double snap and go for months. I took them to friends houses etc. sometimes we would go to target just so I could get out of the house.
It does get better and easier. You both will adjust.
hang in there mama, you are doing great

how do you deal with losing your independence?

Try and take the baby with you! I took DS EVERYWHERE. I would pack a bag the night before and as soon as he got whiny or I just wanted to run out, we were ready to go. I drove thru the drive thru, took a ride to the beach etc. I was always walking the mall etc. I was extremely independent and always out with friends and I didn't change that. I met my friends for dinners and put the infant carrier on their side :) The best advice I received was take the baby everywhere and ask for help if you have that option. It does start to get easier!!

Re: how do you deal with losing your independence?

I felt the same way after my first. It just takes time. It is a new normal and while some women fall right into the role of motherhood, I was not one of them. I had the same feelings you did. I am by nature, very much a loner, I just like to be by myself, I always have. I miss, and still do, the freedom and carefreeness of my childless days sometimes. BUT, it eventually becomes your new normal. It took me a LONG time to adjust though, going back to work definitely helped! Good luck and know you are not alone in feeling this way!

Re: how do you deal with losing your independence?

Re: how do you deal with losing your independence?

I can't lie, it's hard. My DD is 4 and days I still feel like this. But I am a SAHM and I dont have any real babysitters, so that's pretty much why I feel this way.

It takes a long time to get sort of used to. To me it's a sacrifice we make when becoming moms, but man it can be hard.

Re: how do you deal with losing your independence?

I felt the EXACT same way when I had DS and I promise you that it does and will get better.

I remember DH & I fighting over who was going to run to 7-11 just to get out of the house and take a break. It's hard, but the best thing to do like other people said is GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!! Go anywhere....mall, target, etc.. just be around other people, get dressed, do your hair and try to be yourself as much as you can. We took DS everywhere with us. We would go out to dinner with friends and bring him with us, what is the worse thing that could happen? He cries? So one of you go outside and take a break. There were times when DH would take DS to the car and sit there until I was done with dinner, you just have to try and be yourselves.

I thought there was something wrong with me, I could not wait to go back to work and be around adults, get back to my life and I felt so guilty feeling that way. I learned that it was normal and things will fall into place eventually and they did! I started to be at work and look forward to coming home and spending time with DS, he started to become part of the family and not a stranger in the house anymore.

Now, DS is 2 and we can take him anywhere still because we made it a point to do it when he was a baby. We also have a sitter so we get out often for dates, etc..

You are not alone, so many of us felt this way

Message edited 12/13/2012 9:59:03 AM.

Re: how do you deal with losing your independence?

i felt the same way in the beginning. it took me about 4-5 months to really get into the groove of things and accept it. i stayed home with DS for over two years. He starts full-time daycare (and i a full-time job) in january and i am having a really hard time leaving!

i will say most of my friends who have babies and crave independence say working helps. leaving the house and going into the office for those few hours a day really helps you stay more independent and gives you perspective.

hang in there! it's a huge adjustment having a baby but it will be ok.

how do you deal with losing your independence?

I bring mine everywhere. From the start. Naps were in the car or stroller. we never had a schedule.
keep a diaper bag packed in the car. that lessens the production. buy pack of diapers and wipes for car. keep a big comfy carriage.

how do you deal with losing your independence?

Thanks everyone! I'm going to try to get out more often and take at least 1/2 hour to myself each day.

how do you deal with losing your independence?

I felt the same way with DS 1. He was born in december and the winter was so cold. i think the hardest part was that dhs life didn't really seem to change. He'd come home from work and start cooking. I'd be like stop - let me do it, take him! It gets better. Just try to take him out a little at a time. We used to walk the mall in the morning before it opened.

It was easier with DS 2. It was warmer and I had another friend on maternity leave to keep me company and go for walks (and ds 2 was easier).

how do you deal with losing your independence?

I take DS everywhere. There has not been 1 day in the 8 months that i feel he held me back or stopped me from doing me things at all. I still get Mani Pedis he just comes now. We go shopping traveling out for dinner. Just pack a bag and go. You will find it gets easier as you do. And you will enjoy doing them. It is about the 2 of you now though not just you.

Re: how do you deal with losing your independence?

My advice is time.
It is a HUGE HUGE adjustments.
For me, it was 8 years of marriage with no children. We were set in our ways.
I remember after DD was born just sitting on the couch and crying and crying. Part of it was baby blues and crazy hormones, but part of it was feeling like I was MOURNING my old life.
Mourning it like a person who had died.
Because in a way, my old life HAD died.
And it was a sudden death.

I missed my friends at work, I missed my husband- we didn't even sleep in the same bed in the beginning because we would take shifts with her at night- one with her on the couch, the other in bed for a few hours of sleep.
I missed getting dressed up in the morning and going to work, i missed going out whenever I wanted, I missed going to the movies or out with friends on a whim.
Oh how I mourned.

But slowly, things started to get on even ground.
There was a new normal that started to develop.
You get in a groove and you get used to a new routine.
Gonig back to work helped me SOOO much. I felt like that little part of my old life was still there...and it felt good to reclaim it!

And now, 2.5 years later, this new normal is the most incredible thing I have ever expereienced.
I couldn't imagine ever going back to the way we were before her.
You will get there... you just need time!
Don't beat yourself up too much- you just went through the biggest life change you will ever experience!

Message edited 12/14/2012 10:45:09 AM.