I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

Bare with me this may be long but I really need a mothers opinion.
Back story we live with my ILs in a separate part of the house. My 30 y/o BIL moved in with them about 6 months ago after his wife developed a drug problem. He has a son who will be 2 in a few weeks and is really effected by the back and forth that is going on. BIL goes out all the time leaves his kid with the ILs all the time his son even sleeps in their room.
Okay so my MIL has a favorite child out of her 3 boys and really makes it very obvious. She never admits it but all the boys know it. It would be her 30y/o dirt bag son and in turn his son has now become front man as far as the grand kids go.
The little boy is very babied by my MIL and whines all day. So when my sons goes to visit them theres always drama between the nephew and my son because he always cries and whines that DS is being mean and growling at him. Ds is 3.5 and like to pretend to be a dinosaur and growl, he likes to hug and can be a little rough but he has NEVER hurt the nephew.
My MIL yells at my son all day long because her precious little grandson is upset. Frankly I'm pissed that she is putting my son out because she has a favorite.
There really is more to this but to much to write.
So if you have gotten this far thank you what would you do ?
My MIL has been confronted and just denies and says my son is a bully. I have been keeping DS from visiting them because of this but I think this may cause a bigger issue.

Message edited 8/28/2012 7:47:40 PM.

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

It sounds like this goes way beyond her picking favorites. Since the boy's mom has a drug problem, there is probably tons of stuff that has gone on in this little boy's life that is traumatic. It sounds like your MIL is overprotective of him for that reason. You said her "dirtbag" son is her favorite, so maybe she is coddling this boy so that he doesn't develop whatever problems his parents did. I don't know, I really wouldn't get too crazy over this, because it sounds like this family has enough to deal with. Although I would be annoyed that she called your son a bully. It really sounds like she's just being protective of the other boy. If you are really getting bothered by it, I would just distance DS from her and the nephew as much as you can. Good luck!

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

I agree with beachgirl. I would talk to your DC and explain that he can't be a dinosaur when he is with his cousin. I feel badly for the other child and as much as it hurts your child that he is not the "favorite" this kid does not have a stable mom in his life. I am willing to bet that he would love a mom who cares more about him than drugs and that he can be important to one woman is great. I understand exactly what it is like to not be the favorite grandchild. I was in that exact position growing up, but if my cousin came from a home like that I would have understood how lucky I was/am and not held it against him. I am sure there is a lot more going on.
With that said, it must be frustrating as a mom to see your child not receiving the same attention/love/protection because I know I would want that for my child. But in this instance, I would try to take a big step back and look at the picture again. I am sorry that you are going through it. It can't be fun being in it, but at the same time I would try to recognize the positives in the situation (your DC has a cousin who he can grow up with and spend time with). That is wonderful. I never had that, and my kids do not have that. (Aside from my grandparents funerals I have not seen my cousins in 20 years). Good luck.

Message edited 8/28/2012 10:14:05 PM.

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

The way your MIL is treating your son is unfair. She can be protective of your nephew but it shouldn't be at the expense of your son. He is her grandson too! I'm passive aggressive and non-confrontational, so I would honestly just avoid the two of them as much as possible and not leave my son alone with MIL so that in case she does try to say something I could be right there with a reply. Good luck!

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

i would let it go as hard as that is.
being the one in the position where my parents help me ALOT. my older brother has a son, he is married. my parents will watch their son if they are both working...if not they need a darn good reason.
me on the other hand, they will watch DD whenever. i have no one else.
i honestly think parents dont really have favorites...they just have the need to help the one that is most in need...which is sounds like your nephew is in need of parental figures.

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

While I know how hurtful it can be for a grandparent to play favorites (my mil treats my daughter way better than my son) I also feel that your sons growling actually be scaring your nephew. SOme children are very sensitive to that type of behavior. Maybe she is just being very protective. I would not allow my child to growl at another child if it was making them upset. JMHO
Now my mil will actually shower my dd with gifts and get NOTHING for my son when she sees him twice per year. It drives me nuts cause she has no other reason other than she does not like boys and it breaks my son's heart. But if it were another child who was more needy then my son getting showered with gifts than I might feel differently. In your case I do not see how ou can fault your mil for being extra attentive to your nephew who does not have an attentive mom. Sorry, but true.

Of course I am betting there is way more to your side of the story that I just don't know. Good luck

I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

honestly, sounds like its time to take a step back from visiting as much. Spend more time with playdates your kids age, where you kid will actually be appreciated, instead of being treated like a burden. Maybe visit when the BIL takes his kid out somewhere.

So your kid likes to growl. My 3yo likes to make animal sounds too. When my son was 1, my 4yo nephew tried to run around the restaurant table with fork and knife in hand, my sister didn't stop him because she never parents at parties, then he gets too close to our baby and we had to say stop...knives are dangerous, biting is dangerous, not growling.

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

Message edited 8/29/2012 9:13:12 AM.

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

I will preface this by saying I am NOT saying your MIL is right and you are wrong - and I am not discounting your FEELINGS .......You obviously know the whole story and I only know what you wrote ......but from just what you wote,

I think you need to take a step back and consider the possibility that your nephew is hypersensitive and clingy and whiny b/c he has a drug addict Mother who's not around and a 'dirtbag' father who doesn't bother w/ him either so he's clinging to the only stable, loving people he has. - He's only 3.5
If he's a sensitive kid to begin with, and even if he IS a crybaby - your son growling at him and acting like a dinosaur or whatever is NOT how he wants to play, so he gets upset - I think your MIL is reacting the way any mother would if another kid was doing something to upset her child - In THIS case, the other child is also her Grandson, so it's not like reprimanding some random kid in the park - she probably feels she has more of a 'right' to say something to your son since he's her family -

I think YOU need to be more understanding of the situation - it may not be that your nephew is the 'favorite' - he is just the one that needs more of her nurturing and attention. I would talk to your son and encourage him to play something else w/ his cousin .......(which I think your MIL should have been doing, rather than just yelling at him - but that's another story) Or, like the others said, avoid them -
However, I think avoiding them will make you more resentul of your BIL and nephew in the long run .......

I'm sorry - ETA I just re read that the nephew is not even 2 and your son is 3.5 -

REALLY? You're being completely unreasonable. He's a BABY and doesn't have either parent there for him on a regular basis - give the poor kid a break! And tell your son to back off his cousin - I thought they were the same age.

Message edited 8/29/2012 10:47:04 AM.

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

Honestly I don't think it's fair for your DS to take a backseat and be the scapegoat just b/c this child has messed up parents. Your MIL should be sane enough and smart enough to treat both children fairly.

Why should your DS be treated like that? I dont care what the reason is. I would personally not allow my DS to go there unsupervised by me, if I felt he was getting treated unfairly. That could damage his self esteem greatly at that age.

Is there any way you can always be there with him, to supervise what is really going on?

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

I feel like I need to apologize - b/c I keep reading your post over and over and I'm conflicted on this whole issue ......

I don't like the fact that your MIL is constantly yelling at your son and referring to him as a bully - THAT I thinki it the biggest issue here - not her 'favoring' one over the other, but her reaction to your son .......

I still say there's a HUGE difference in development and understanding from not even 2, to 3.5 .......so you can explain to your son that his cousin doesn't like to play dinosaur b/c he thinks it's scary or doesn't like to be hugged too hard b/c he's smaller etc - and I think your MIL is maybe not playing favorites, but trying to overcompensate and protect this kid who's basically ignored by his parents ......
(Or not, maybe your MIL is just an a$$hole - you didn't say )

I'd let him visit supervised for awhile so YOU can be the one to see and handle the situation as it comes up with your son ........your way -

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

Message edited 8/29/2012 4:31:34 PM.

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

I don't see a reason for my son to have to settle for being anyone's second choice. MIL used to wait until she knew SIL's schedule and then demand that we drop everything for us to see her. Now we had an argument and she has made no effort at all to see my son b/c she knows that not everything is on her terms anymore. My son does not need that in his life. Our summer was amazing since we stopped dealing with the second place crap.

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

I don't know - I can see both sides. You admitted yourself that your son can be rough - and the difference between 2 and 3.5 is pretty large. I think you need to sit down with your DS and explain that your nephew is smaller and he can't be as rough. My son just turned 2 and I can tell you if someone got in his face and growled at him he would not like it.

Regarding your MIL - it's hard to say, but it sounds like she is just over-mothering him to make up for the crappy parents he has. I can't really fault her for that, especially since you say your son is rough. It doesn't sound like she is really playing "favorites", IMO.

I would try to go over there with him the next few visits and really see what is going on.

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

My father's parents did this to me and my brothers growing up. Our cousins were the golden grandchildren bc their dad was their favorite. Needless to say, we grew up and saw it for ourselves and never had or wanted a relationship with either grandparent. And they always wondered why!!!!!!!!

It's a shame that your son is treated differently, all you can do is let him realize it for himself in the long run that his grandparents are jerks.

It's no excuse that the other grandchild comes from a broken home. Your kids deserve to have loving grandparents as well.

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites

Re: I need some advice about a grandparent picking favorites