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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
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Not giving in to your toddler
 this past week, DS has started to challenge us. Everytime he wants something or doesn't want to do something, he screams no and will freak out if we challenge him otherwise.
For instance, this morning when I dropped him off at daycare, he didn't want me to take his sneakers off. He cannot go into the play area with the other kids if his sneakers are on. I took them off and he freaked, screaming "my shoes, NO, my shoes" and threw a tantrum. I put him down and he clung to me, screaming. After about 10 minutes of clenching on to me so I couldn't leave, we finally calmed him down and I was able to leave. He never cries when I drop him off, never.
This morning prior to that, he would not leave his playroom without his huge tower or legos that he put together. It was so tall that there was no way he could carry it and I didn't want him trying to bring them to the car. I told him that we had to leave the legos home and he could play with legos at daycare. Again, freaked out. Screaming NO, my legos! I bring MY LEGOS!
I know I cannot give in to him and I have to stick to my guns but please tell me it gets easier. Please tell me that everytime I say "no" he won't freak like this?
This has been happening multiple times a day. How do you cope?
He has always been a dream, always! Up until last week, I would say no and he would say "ok mama" - yes, seriously. I guess this is terrible 2's 
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Posted 7/11/12 9:16 AM  |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
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..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
Oh hello there, and welcome! Welcome to my world!
What you have described is my DD to a T.
Every.Single.Day.
Screaming, challenging us, wanting things HER way and HER way only.
I have to be honest- there are some things I give in on- just because it's easier to let her take her blankie in the car on a 90 degree day- then to deal with a 20 minute scream fest.
But on the other things- I just say no, explain why she can't do something or why she has to do somethign, and let her have the tantrum.
At this age, they forget pretty fast and move on.
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:20 AM |
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Linda1003
love my 2 boys
Member since 8/08 10923 total posts
Name:
Linda
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
Just from my experience with John.. COMPROMISE!!
the lego thing.. I would have told him.. "well we can't bring the whole thing.. it wont fit in the car.. but we can bring 5 leggos in the car".
John always brings somethign inthe car with him before daycare.. To me.. there is no reason not to compromise with that sort of thing and I dont see it as giving in at all!!
they want power.. you want to leave.. so give them a little perceived power and you get to leave!! 
the dropp off.. nothing can be done..distract and then leave.. but i think the leggo thing set him off to have a bad dropp offf KWIM?
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:23 AM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
Posted by NervousNell
Oh hello there, and welcome! Welcome to my world!
What you have described is my DD to a T.
Every.Single.Day.
Screaming, challenging us, wanting things HER way and HER way only.
I have to be honest- there are some things I give in on- just because it's easier to let her take her blankie in the car on a 90 degree day- then to deal with a 20 minute scream fest.
But on the other things- I just say no, explain why she can't do something or why she has to do somethign, and let her have the tantrum.
At this age, they forget pretty fast and move on.
thanks - he has just always been SO easy and maybe its that he is teething or that we've started to introduce potty training (I am trying to make up excuses and I hold on to hope that the terrible 2's have not got their ugly hands on my baby  )
my son definately has the personality that needs consistancy. i feel like it has to be all or nothing with him. we will have to be consistant with no's and follow-through otherwise it will never end. its going to be hard and I am a pushover because I hate looking at his sad crying face 
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:24 AM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
Posted by Linda1003
Just from my experience with John.. COMPROMISE!!
the lego thing.. I would have told him.. "well we can't bring the whole thing.. it wont fit in the car.. but we can bring 5 leggos in the car".
John always brings somethign inthe car with him before daycare.. To me.. there is no reason not to compromise with that sort of thing and I dont see it as giving in at all!!
they want power.. you want to leave.. so give them a little perceived power and you get to leave!!
the dropp off.. nothing can be done..distract and then leave.. but i think the leggo thing set him off to have a bad dropp offf KWIM?
could be. you should see the back seat of my car. filled to the brim with his books and toys so yes, i likely started this thing today by not letting him bring legos - i should have told him to pick a few to bring but that could have set him off too. I always let him bring "one toy". Its the same way at night with bedtime. He can take one toy to bed. Good point on the compromise.
I am just really fearful that he has turned to the "dark side"
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:26 AM |
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babyfever08
Love my babies!
Member since 11/08 3938 total posts
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Antonella
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
You described DS ever since we found out I was pregnant. It was like a switch went off in his head. He has been nearly impossible lately. Nothing seems to make him happy, and has been constantly whining. I dont have any advice just wanted to offer some  .
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:27 AM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
Posted by babyfever08
You described DS ever since we found out I was pregnant. It was like a switch went off in his head. He has been nearly impossible lately. Nothing seems to make him happy, and has been constantly whining. I dont have any advice just wanted to offer some .
interesting! I am 12weeks and we have been talking about it a lot lately... wonder if that has anything to do with it?
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:30 AM |
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Not giving in to your toddler
I found warning them of what will happen works best...when we get to daycare, i'm going to take your shoes off so you can play. After you are done with the legos we have to put them back and you can play with the ones at daycare there. I also found comprosing works too - I'd let DS bring one lego from home to daycare. With DS it helped to get on his level and calmly talk to him. GL
ETA: After reading some other peoples posts it is about power. I used to give DS "Choices without choices" - do you want to take the LIE or 495 home? I would let him make real choices too - for example I'd let him pick the shape of pasta or vege for dinner. And I read on here if he wants to dress himself, let him pick out the shirt and you pick matching pants, this way he looks okay.
Message edited 7/11/2012 9:34:14 AM.
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:31 AM |
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Linda1003
love my 2 boys
Member since 8/08 10923 total posts
Name:
Linda
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
Posted by maymama
Posted by Linda1003
Just from my experience with John.. COMPROMISE!!
the lego thing.. I would have told him.. "well we can't bring the whole thing.. it wont fit in the car.. but we can bring 5 leggos in the car".
John always brings somethign inthe car with him before daycare.. To me.. there is no reason not to compromise with that sort of thing and I dont see it as giving in at all!!
they want power.. you want to leave.. so give them a little perceived power and you get to leave!!
the dropp off.. nothing can be done..distract and then leave.. but i think the leggo thing set him off to have a bad dropp offf KWIM?
could be. you should see the back seat of my car. filled to the brim with his books and toys so yes, i likely started this thing today by not letting him bring legos - i should have told him to pick a few to bring but that could have set him off too. I always let him bring "one toy". Its the same way at night with bedtime. He can take one toy to bed. Good point on the compromise.
I am just really fearful that he has turned to the "dark side"
karin, developmentally this is what they are SUPPOSED to be doing.. does it stink for us.. HECK YEAH.. but it's them asserting themselves..learing power struggles and compromise!! So it's necessary to show him that life isnt' black or white.. there are things we can do to make everyone happy in a situation instead of it always being someone who wins!!! KWIM I thnk that's a very important lesson!!
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:31 AM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
Posted by Linda1003
Posted by maymama
Posted by Linda1003
Just from my experience with John.. COMPROMISE!!
the lego thing.. I would have told him.. "well we can't bring the whole thing.. it wont fit in the car.. but we can bring 5 leggos in the car".
John always brings somethign inthe car with him before daycare.. To me.. there is no reason not to compromise with that sort of thing and I dont see it as giving in at all!!
they want power.. you want to leave.. so give them a little perceived power and you get to leave!!
the dropp off.. nothing can be done..distract and then leave.. but i think the leggo thing set him off to have a bad dropp offf KWIM?
could be. you should see the back seat of my car. filled to the brim with his books and toys so yes, i likely started this thing today by not letting him bring legos - i should have told him to pick a few to bring but that could have set him off too. I always let him bring "one toy". Its the same way at night with bedtime. He can take one toy to bed. Good point on the compromise.
I am just really fearful that he has turned to the "dark side"
karin, developmentally this is what they are SUPPOSED to be doing.. does it stink for us.. HECK YEAH.. but it's them asserting themselves..learing power struggles and compromise!! So it's necessary to show him that life isnt' black or white.. there are things we can do to make everyone happy in a situation instead of it always being someone who wins!!! KWIM I thnk that's a very important lesson!!
you are right  as always! learning curve for mommy too!
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:34 AM |
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Linda1003
love my 2 boys
Member since 8/08 10923 total posts
Name:
Linda
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
Posted by maymama
Posted by Linda1003
Posted by maymama
Posted by Linda1003
Just from my experience with John.. COMPROMISE!!
the lego thing.. I would have told him.. "well we can't bring the whole thing.. it wont fit in the car.. but we can bring 5 leggos in the car".
John always brings somethign inthe car with him before daycare.. To me.. there is no reason not to compromise with that sort of thing and I dont see it as giving in at all!!
they want power.. you want to leave.. so give them a little perceived power and you get to leave!!
the dropp off.. nothing can be done..distract and then leave.. but i think the leggo thing set him off to have a bad dropp offf KWIM?
could be. you should see the back seat of my car. filled to the brim with his books and toys so yes, i likely started this thing today by not letting him bring legos - i should have told him to pick a few to bring but that could have set him off too. I always let him bring "one toy". Its the same way at night with bedtime. He can take one toy to bed. Good point on the compromise.
I am just really fearful that he has turned to the "dark side"
karin, developmentally this is what they are SUPPOSED to be doing.. does it stink for us.. HECK YEAH.. but it's them asserting themselves..learing power struggles and compromise!! So it's necessary to show him that life isnt' black or white.. there are things we can do to make everyone happy in a situation instead of it always being someone who wins!!! KWIM I thnk that's a very important lesson!!
you are right as always! learning curve for mommy too!
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:39 AM |
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rkl1130
LIF Adult
Member since 10/07 1476 total posts
Name:
Rose Ann
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Not giving in to your toddler
This is DD exactly!
It's all day, everyday with her.
There are some things I just give in because I have to pick and choose my battles. She wants to wear a different shirt - fine. She wants to sit in her carseat with 4 stuffed animals when it's 95 degrees out - okay she's the one that's going to get hot despite the air conditioning.
Other things though, I refuse to give in to and I talk to her and tell her why she can't do it or have something and let her have her tantrum. She'll cry and kick and scream but WILL stop and forget about it and do something else.
I'm really hoping all of this stops REAL soon!
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:41 AM |
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GioiaMia
Let's Go Rangers!
Member since 1/07 14818 total posts
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
I am going to give you advice that someone gave me and I didn't believe it. I thought, nah, it won't work but it totally does.
I explain what I want from her. She flips. Then I get down and ask her to look at me and take a deep breath, and she does it (SO CUTE BTW) and then I explain it again "we will play with that later" etc
and then. . .
I change the subject
like I am a crazy person LOL
"OMG! Look at the blue sky out there?! Isn't it gorgeous?!" and I keep talking and doing what I have to do and then eventually she gets nosy and has to stop the tantrum and come see what I am doing or talking about.
I swear it works!
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:43 AM |
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GioiaMia
Let's Go Rangers!
Member since 1/07 14818 total posts
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
My issue is. . .WHEN should I give in??
Like, if I pick out the blue dress, and DD automatically starts freaking for a pink dress and its appropriate and she CAN wear it. . .do I stick to my guns so she doesn't start challenging everything? OR do I just let her wear it?? I have trouble with figuring that out.
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:45 AM |
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Linda1003
love my 2 boys
Member since 8/08 10923 total posts
Name:
Linda
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
Posted by GioiaMia
My issue is. . .WHEN should I give in??
Like, if I pick out the blue dress, and DD automatically starts freaking for a pink dress and its appropriate and she CAN wear it. . .do I stick to my guns so she doesn't start challenging everything? OR do I just let her wear it?? I have trouble with figuring that out.
You should "give in" or compromise when YOU/mommy can live with the compromise. If she wants the pink dress..let her wear it.. it will show her that she has control of something in her world and ACTUALLY EMPOWER HER and give her confindence that she can make some decisions too!! So as long as you can live wiht the potential compromise... then do it.
ETA: with dressing.. my suggestion is pick out two or three dresses and say.. which one would you like to wear today!.. dont give her the option of an entire closet!!
Message edited 7/11/2012 9:48:59 AM.
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:48 AM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
Posted by GioiaMia
I am going to give you advice that someone gave me and I didn't believe it. I thought, nah, it won't work but it totally does.
I explain what I want from her. She flips. Then I get down and ask her to look at me and take a deep breath, and she does it (SO CUTE BTW) and then I explain it again "we will play with that later" etc
and then. . .
I change the subject
like I am a crazy person LOL
"OMG! Look at the blue sky out there?! Isn't it gorgeous?!" and I keep talking and doing what I have to do and then eventually she gets nosy and has to stop the tantrum and come see what I am doing or talking about.
I swear it works!
Thanks T. I do the subject change too and it works... for instance, he starts twisting and squirming while I am changing his diaper. I say "Jack, can I ask you a question? What is your favorite color?" Before I know it, he is saying "hmmmm ummmm BLUE" and i keep asking questions and it works
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:48 AM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
Posted by GioiaMia
My issue is. . .WHEN should I give in??
Like, if I pick out the blue dress, and DD automatically starts freaking for a pink dress and its appropriate and she CAN wear it. . .do I stick to my guns so she doesn't start challenging everything? OR do I just let her wear it?? I have trouble with figuring that out.
YES, this. Am I creating a monster by saying yes to some things and no to others.
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:48 AM |
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cheryl28
LIF Adult
Member since 2/10 4657 total posts
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
We have been dealing with this FOREVER so kudos to you for going this long without it
It depends on the situation. She loves 2 blankets and 1 Lovey. She always wants to bring all of them but its insane and 1 is big. I tell her we will leave the white one home and bring the other 2. Usually it's ok with her
The other day I had an outfit picked out for her. She kept saying no dress. I fought her on it for a while. It really wasn't a time for a dress but whatever I wanted to leave so I took out a dress and she happily got dressed and we left.
She fits me on what to wear A LOT. I let her choose most days.
The one thing I won't budge is getting in the stroller to cross the street or something. she just screams in it and screams and cries. But I can't help that. Now, when she gives me a hard time, I just sit there and wait until she's calmed down to continue on and make me in control.
They like control. They cannot control a lot but they try.
With the legos, i would have said we can bring some not all. etc, If there's still a fight, then don't give in and stick to your guns.
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:57 AM |
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cheryl28
LIF Adult
Member since 2/10 4657 total posts
Name:
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
Posted by maymama
Posted by GioiaMia
My issue is. . .WHEN should I give in??
Like, if I pick out the blue dress, and DD automatically starts freaking for a pink dress and its appropriate and she CAN wear it. . .do I stick to my guns so she doesn't start challenging everything? OR do I just let her wear it?? I have trouble with figuring that out.
YES, this. Am I creating a monster by saying yes to some things and no to others.
No they are learning what they can and cannot get away with. Little things like this I let her get away with. Not wanting to brush her hair no way, I'll do it with her kicking and screaming. You have to have give and take so they learn. Is it that important to wear the pink dress over the blue, no. IS it important to hold your hand while walking near the street yes.
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| Posted 7/11/12 9:59 AM |
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Linda1003
love my 2 boys
Member since 8/08 10923 total posts
Name:
Linda
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
Posted by maymama
Posted by GioiaMia
My issue is. . .WHEN should I give in??
Like, if I pick out the blue dress, and DD automatically starts freaking for a pink dress and its appropriate and she CAN wear it. . .do I stick to my guns so she doesn't start challenging everything? OR do I just let her wear it?? I have trouble with figuring that out.
YES, this. Am I creating a monster by saying yes to some things and no to others.
I dont compromise on Safety issues.. I rarely compromise on Dinner.. if I know he has eaten it before.
But change your mindset.. dont see it as "giving in" its teaching compromise.. it's picking battles..
Is it going to kill you to let him wear this shirt instead of that shirt...
Bedtime.. if he cries for another show.. I say then you get one book instead of two. If you want two books.. we go to bed now.
Tehre is always an opportunity to compromise but always one that mommy can live with.
when you have to leave at a certain time.. always give them a warning so that are expecting that one activity is ending. etc
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| Posted 7/11/12 10:00 AM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
thanks all!
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| Posted 7/11/12 10:01 AM |
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jewels
Stop and smell the flowers
Member since 7/06 1538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
Oh yes, Terrible Twos started at 18 mths over here! I like Harvey Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block techniques. I have the book but you can google him and watch a few short videos on youtube and get the idea. I think the best thing I got from him is "playing the boob" which basically means getting your toddler to think they are a big helper by pretending you need their help. He says that kids throw tamtrums like you descibe because they just want to get something THEIR way cuz their whole life at that age is one big No from adults. So if you give them power - even if it's pretend - they are less likely to tantrum. I have tried this and it does work although not in every situation. But for example if I know that DS doesn't transition well when it's time to leave daycare cuz he doesn't want to stop playing then I will ask him to "help" me by carrying something for me because I can't do it. He feels so important that he forgets that he doesn't want to leave. So I guess the point is how to avoid tantrums in the first place rather than how to stop them. I think once you get to the tantrum you have to decide if it's over something important enough that you need to stand your ground.
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| Posted 7/11/12 10:01 AM |
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ali120206
2 Boys
Member since 7/06 17796 total posts
Name:
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Not giving in to your toddler
During my last difficult stretch with DS, my friend told me something that made me laugh - reasoning with a toddler is like reasoning with a terrorist... They aren't entirely logical.
DS is going through a phase like this as well. He tends to do it when there has been a major change to his routine (he just got moved to a new class at daycare last week and a few of his closest friends left for the summer/for good, and they are introducing potty training) and when he's tired (which is also a result of poor sleeping from the change). He usually is extra difficult for a week or two and then he goes back to his normal cheery self (who is still difficult at times but, not consistently).
I try to pick my battles (so he only wears blue t-shirts and blue athletic shorts every day when he has a dresser and closet full of cute things which kills me)... but, it's not going to hurt either one of us...
ETA - My car is full of miscellaneous items as well.
Message edited 7/11/2012 10:25:34 AM.
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| Posted 7/11/12 10:24 AM |
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rkl1130
LIF Adult
Member since 10/07 1476 total posts
Name:
Rose Ann
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
Posted by Linda1003
Posted by GioiaMia
My issue is. . .WHEN should I give in??
Like, if I pick out the blue dress, and DD automatically starts freaking for a pink dress and its appropriate and she CAN wear it. . .do I stick to my guns so she doesn't start challenging everything? OR do I just let her wear it?? I have trouble with figuring that out.
You should "give in" or compromise when YOU/mommy can live with the compromise. If she wants the pink dress..let her wear it.. it will show her that she has control of something in her world and ACTUALLY EMPOWER HER and give her confindence that she can make some decisions too!! So as long as you can live wiht the potential compromise... then do it.
ETA: with dressing.. my suggestion is pick out two or three dresses and say.. which one would you like to wear today!.. dont give her the option of an entire closet!!
This!
Because at this age, they want control but have virtually none they are testing the waters and really starting to come into their own so there are battle of the wills.
It's not "giving in," but rather compromising. The hard part for us is recognizing which situations we could compromise and also letting go of all the control to a toddler. With something like getting dressed, about half the time I let her choose - even if sometimes it means she's in something crazy. It makes her happy to know that she did it herself and she shows off and is proud of herself for making that decision. I give her a choice of 2-3 outfits when DD is being a terror about what she's going to wear and she chooses and gladly gets dressed and we're on our way.
I also found that really making them feel like they are either helping or part of the decision process in things can help. Again, they are little people who want to assert some kind of control.
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| Posted 7/11/12 10:29 AM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: Not giving in to your toddler
Posted by rkl1130
Posted by Linda1003
Posted by GioiaMia
My issue is. . .WHEN should I give in??
Like, if I pick out the blue dress, and DD automatically starts freaking for a pink dress and its appropriate and she CAN wear it. . .do I stick to my guns so she doesn't start challenging everything? OR do I just let her wear it?? I have trouble with figuring that out.
You should "give in" or compromise when YOU/mommy can live with the compromise. If she wants the pink dress..let her wear it.. it will show her that she has control of something in her world and ACTUALLY EMPOWER HER and give her confindence that she can make some decisions too!! So as long as you can live wiht the potential compromise... then do it.
ETA: with dressing.. my suggestion is pick out two or three dresses and say.. which one would you like to wear today!.. dont give her the option of an entire closet!!
This!
Because at this age, they want control but have virtually none they are testing the waters and really starting to come into their own so there are battle of the wills.
It's not "giving in," but rather compromising. The hard part for us is recognizing which situations we could compromise and also letting go of all the control to a toddler. With something like getting dressed, about half the time I let her choose - even if sometimes it means she's in something crazy. It makes her happy to know that she did it herself and she shows off and is proud of herself for making that decision. I give her a choice of 2-3 outfits when DD is being a terror about what she's going to wear and she chooses and gladly gets dressed and we're on our way.
I also found that really making them feel like they are either helping or part of the decision process in things can help. Again, they are little people who want to assert some kind of control.
makes perfect sense. i am going to try to view it as compromising and not giving in. thanks!
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| Posted 7/11/12 10:47 AM |
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