A vent like this shouldn't come around too often..

I tried to do my best to not think too much. I really am so grateful that surrogacy is an option for us. The fact that I am STILL hesitant to believe this will bring us our baby is another story I think I've just been through so much at this point that I'll feel better when we hit lots of the pregnancy milestones- or get past the 17wk mark since that's as far as I ever got..

I have to say the one legitimate thing that DOES bother me is that Dr.B specializes in loss and he has worked for so many people. When we sat for our consult about surrogacy, my DH asked if he has a lot of experience with the agency he recommended. His response was that he does not have a lot of experience with any one agency because surrogacy is not typically where his patients need to go. He said he has used this particular agency about 10 times. I know what's most important is that we get our baby. .and again.. I am THRILLED that we have this opportunity.. but I can't help but feel like I (for lack of better words) 'failed' infertility because for ME my uterus is a thin walled homogeneous layered coffin.

I always feel like the point where you start feeling sorry for yourself is the point where you need to get your butt off the couch and do something constructive with your time .. but really.. I can't help but resent the fact that he has worked for so many people, and my losses basically lead to even worse infertility.. I did not have lining issues to start and that's literally what's causing my main problem.

I told my dh that had we moved to NJ (it was our original plan) .. or even moved to our current house but used a different doctor.. it would have been a different egg.. a different sperm.. maybe we would have our baby now. He reminded me that we can't think that way.. and we never know what would have happened..

.. but lately I just can't help but run through the 'what ifs' and wonder if I'd still be in this situation had I made other decisions at the start of this journey. I was always the type to think it's silly to blame the doctor, but in such a controlled process, it's hard not to point fingers at someone or something...

p.s.. .watch this thread get pulled now

Message edited 1/4/2012 12:22:26 AM.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

I can understand why you feel the way you do. Be mad at whichever doctor you want, but do not blame yourself! Dealing with IF is unfair enough that you shouldn't put extra burden on yourself. This was all so out of your control, and you have no idea what would have happened had you moved to NJ...you might not have gotten PG at all...who knows! Your situation absolutely stinks, plain and simple, but in the end, you WILL be a mommy, and that's all that matters.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

I've played the "what if" game too many times to know that there are no winners. Some how or another you end up blaming someone and feeling sorry for yourself. At the same time its an important step in the grief process in order to accept your past and heal from your losses. Try to find a healthy balance between the two.
Maybe Reach out to others who have been through surrogacy and ask them for some agency recs?

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

I am a firm believer that your life is already laid out. The baby you have will be the baby you are meant to have. I think staying in NY was a good move because that is where some of the best doctors in the world are. You deserve to be a mother. If its from your womb or not. Your body and mind have been through enough. I pray that you find peace with your decision

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

Posted by KMCGK

I've played the "what if" game too many times to know that there are no winners. Some how or another you end up blaming someone and feeling sorry for yourself. At the same time its an important step in the grief process in order to accept your past and heal from your losses. Try to find a healthy balance between the two.
Maybe Reach out to others who have been through surrogacy and ask them for some agency recs?

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

I can not imagine what are you are experiencing right now but I am sorry that anyone has to think about these things. If it were me I would just not want to wait any longer and the hope that such struggles could finally have a happy outcome would be my kick in the butt to keep going forward and not looking backwards.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

I hope this thread doesnt get pulled because I do think that people need to look at doctors as they are-human beings. they are not magical wizards, regardless of what websites they sponsor or how nice their bedside manner is.
I have read many posts from girls that are patients there and although some have had success. Some have not, just like at any IF clinic.
PennyCat, not one ounce of me think this has ANYTHING to do with the path you were led down. I just wanted to say I totally understand the "what ifs" as I myself sent you a FM, that sounded something like "what if my husband and I werent meant to be?"
IF does CRAZY things to your mind. it makes you question every decision you ever made, it makes you angry and resentful at yourself, depressed, hurt, jealous, everything. Then there's the guilt for handling emotions a certain way.
The only advice I can offer you is that if those losses didn't occur, you would not be led ultimately to the baby you were meant to have.. And when that moment happens it will be such a sweet, magical, memorable moment. I believe more so than any new mom could imagine.
Keep your head up. It's not all for nothing. Your decisions were good ones because they were made out of love .

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

Posted by CatNYC123

Your decisions were good ones because they were made out of love .

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

First let me get the negative part out first- if you're going to blame someone, it shouldnt be you and it shouldnt be dr. b.

I think it's totally normal to doubt the decisions you made. I do the same. I'd like to think that had you NOT made the decision to stay with Dr. B, maybe you wouldnt have gotten here as soon as you had. I know it's been over two long years for you. I think of those who havent taken as proactive routes as you and maybe will be in it for longer. Maybe you wouldnt have had an answer as quickly or a reason for your losses. I read about the REs who don't do or believe in immune testing, those who don't do testing after a miscarriage and I have to think I'm lucky that Dr B sends me for testing asap whenever we learn something new.

You've been armed with as much knowledge as *I* think you could find out, and you're making an informed decision. I know this probably comes out in defense of Dr. B when in fact I question the same thing- someone who specializes in mutliple losses and here I am, having them. But in the end, I truly believe we are making the right choices given all the knowledge we have. There's no way you could've predicted the path your journey is taking you, and you did the best you could with what you had. That's all we really can do, right?

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

A few things, first off blame whoever you want except yourself! It is soooo not your fault. Say you moved to NJ and your house got destroyed by the hurricane like so many in NJ. Maybe then you wouldn't have money for anything except to rebuild. There is a reason you're still here. And once you see your baby you will be like "oh this is why".

Second with Dr. B he has a much smaller office than a place like LI IVF say, my gyno referred me to LI IVF initially but I found Dr. B on my own because he was closer to my house lol! Most people probably just automatically go to the bigger well known places. So you'd have to look at all clinics and see how many patients they have and compare that with surrogacy numbers.

And finally just because your first baby may not be carried by you doesn't mean your second or your third won't be. You NEVER know in life! Maybe once you're off fertility meds and taking care of your baby something will change or heal.

I can't wait for you to have that baby in your arms, you really deserve it and you will be such a good mother, how can you not be after how hard you've tried!

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

Posted by cateyemm

First let me get the negative part out first- if you're going to blame someone, it shouldnt be you and it shouldnt be dr. b.

I think it's totally normal to doubt the decisions you made. I do the same. I'd like to think that had you NOT made the decision to stay with Dr. B, maybe you wouldnt have gotten here as soon as you had. I know it's been over two long years for you. I think of those who havent taken as proactive routes as you and maybe will be in it for longer. Maybe you wouldnt have had an answer as quickly or a reason for your losses. I read about the REs who don't do or believe in immune testing, those who don't do testing after a miscarriage and I have to think I'm lucky that Dr B sends me for testing asap whenever we learn something new.

You've been armed with as much knowledge as *I* think you could find out, and you're making an informed decision. I know this probably comes out in defense of Dr. B when in fact I question the same thing- someone who specializes in mutliple losses and here I am, having them. But in the end, I truly believe we are making the right choices given all the knowledge we have. There's no way you could've predicted the path your journey is taking you, and you did the best you could with what you had. That's all we really can do, right?

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

Posted by PennyCat
I feel like I should pay you a copay


Everyone's responses have really helped tonight.. which is weirdly a hard night ... and the first where I've pointed fingers on this road.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

Posted by cateyemm

Posted by PennyCat
I feel like I should pay you a copay


Everyone's responses have really helped tonight.. which is weirdly a hard night ... and the first where I've pointed fingers on this road.

Im accepting donations for my buyababy fund
I think pointing fingers is the start of the healing process.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

Posted by PennyCat
On second thought, I'm saving for MY buyababy fund... but I can repay you in a few boxes of Lovenox!!!

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

Posted by cateyemm

Posted by PennyCat
On second thought, I'm saving for MY buyababy fund... but I can repay you in a few boxes of Lovenox!!!

Noooooo toooo iitchyyyyy!!!!!!!!
Im getting welts just thinking about it!

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

you can blame whoever you want, that's your right as a person. thats part of the healing process. go ahead and blame yourself and blame dr. B and dr. P and dr. K and whoever else you feel like blaming. hey blame me, i recommended dr. B in the first place. there, it's my fault.

in the end you just need to give yourself time to heal. i know you are gung ho about surrogacy for what it will give you, a baby that is yours and DHs and no one elses. but you still have to go through the mourning of what would have and could have been. and that includes getting past the blame game. its normal and its natural and it would be weird if you didn't question everything. no one gets to a decision like the one you are making without questions and blame. so go ahead and get your blame on. and then move past it. its better to feel it, live it, see rationally through and move on. although it feels bad now, you'll feel better in the long run. no matter what hierarchy of grieving that you look at, at some point there is anger and guilt. it's human nature. and it sucks. but guess what, as long as you move through each step in whatever order, the final one is always the same...acceptance and hope.

this is the path to your baby. no one said its gonna be easy. but as other posters have said, when that baby is in your arms, you will KNOW that it was meant to be. you will know that all the pain you suffered in the past was worth it because it's the only way you will have gotten that exact baby (or babies!!). yes, if you made other choices, maybe you would have a baby by now. but none of that matters because you did not make those decisions, and the decisions that you did and are making will lead you to the baby you are meant to take home. you have 10 great looking embies and could make more if you had to (although hopefully you will never need to). you WILL have your baby!!

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

Posted by FlowerWife

you can blame whoever you want, that's your right as a person. thats part of the healing process. go ahead and blame yourself and blame dr. B and dr. P and dr. K and whoever else you feel like blaming. hey blame me, i recommended dr. B in the first place. there, it's my fault.

in the end you just need to give yourself time to heal. i know you are gung ho about surrogacy for what it will give you, a baby that is yours and DHs and no one elses. but you still have to go through the mourning of what would have and could have been. and that includes getting past the blame game. its normal and its natural and it would be weird if you didn't question everything. no one gets to a decision like the one you are making without questions and blame. so go ahead and get your blame on. and then move past it. its better to feel it, live it, see rationally through and move on. although it feels bad now, you'll feel better in the long run. no matter what hierarchy of grieving that you look at, at some point there is anger and guilt. it's human nature. and it sucks. but guess what, as long as you move through each step in whatever order, the final one is always the same...acceptance and hope.

this is the path to your baby. no one said its gonna be easy. but as other posters have said, when that baby is in your arms, you will KNOW that it was meant to be. you will know that all the pain you suffered in the past was worth it because it's the only way you will have gotten that exact baby (or babies!!). yes, if you made other choices, maybe you would have a baby by now. but none of that matters because you did not make those decisions, and the decisions that you did and are making will lead you to the baby you are meant to take home. you have 10 great looking embies and could make more if you had to (although hopefully you will never need to). you WILL have your baby!!

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

First off, you and your DH make excellent embryos (you said so yourself ) so you should have no reason to think surrogacy won't work! I'm not trying to tell you what to think or feel, but that's a great start in this process. Your chances HAVE to be better than most!

I feel like Cate made a good point, pointing fingers is the start of the healing process You have been through SO MUCH and been so strong through it all, it's completely normal to have these feelings and want to point fingers. it's a horrible feeling when there IS no one to blame (although if I read another post correctly it's a different dr that's to blame?), but don't blame yourself. You did nothing to deserve this, and your DH is right, you can't live thinking about the "what if's". You never know what would have happened if you took a different path in life.

I also agree with what Cat said. I don't want to sound or come off as "preachy" or anything, so please forgive me if I do. I don't know how else to word it. When you are holding your LO in your arms as a newborn, or watching him take his first steps (I feel like you will have a boy ), or he gives you his first kiss.....you would never be able to imagine your life without him, and he would not be in your life if you had made one different decision. It's so hard to see it now, but you WILL know that feeling, if I have to carry that baby for you

Message edited 1/3/2012 11:20:15 PM.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

Posted by PennyCat

Posted by FlowerWife

you can blame whoever you want, that's your right as a person. thats part of the healing process. go ahead and blame yourself and blame dr. B and dr. P and dr. K and whoever else you feel like blaming. hey blame me, i recommended dr. B in the first place. there, it's my fault.

in the end you just need to give yourself time to heal. i know you are gung ho about surrogacy for what it will give you, a baby that is yours and DHs and no one elses. but you still have to go through the mourning of what would have and could have been. and that includes getting past the blame game. its normal and its natural and it would be weird if you didn't question everything. no one gets to a decision like the one you are making without questions and blame. so go ahead and get your blame on. and then move past it. its better to feel it, live it, see rationally through and move on. although it feels bad now, you'll feel better in the long run. no matter what hierarchy of grieving that you look at, at some point there is anger and guilt. it's human nature. and it sucks. but guess what, as long as you move through each step in whatever order, the final one is always the same...acceptance and hope.

this is the path to your baby. no one said its gonna be easy. but as other posters have said, when that baby is in your arms, you will KNOW that it was meant to be. you will know that all the pain you suffered in the past was worth it because it's the only way you will have gotten that exact baby (or babies!!). yes, if you made other choices, maybe you would have a baby by now. but none of that matters because you did not make those decisions, and the decisions that you did and are making will lead you to the baby you are meant to take home. you have 10 great looking embies and could make more if you had to (although hopefully you will never need to). you WILL have your baby!!

This absolutely makes sense... I know you're right..

I think whats been making it hard is my DH and I have been trying to be positive about this so we have ONLY discussed the positive. We only talk about how this will bring us our baby... I'll lose the 15lbs I've been talking about since August of 2010... and I'll be an all around healthier person not having to be on the drugs and bed rest on and off for the 9 months.

What we HAVEN'T spoken about is the fact that I'm giving up on feeling my baby kick.. and going through a process that most women who have babies get to experience. Or.. the fact that I'll never get to wait on the couch for my DH to come home from work and excitedly tell him he should feel my belly because I JUST felt the baby move.

It's definitely a grieving process and I kept trying to fight thinking about what it is I'm giving up because I know in the long run I have so much more to gain.

I don't feel bad that surrogacy is what it's come to ... I just feel bad we had so many horror stories that led us to this point. I'm just so desperate for our baby....... I don't care HOW it gets here.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

Posted by FlowerWife


whenever you think about what you are giving up, ill just remind you of what else you are giving up....

having 12 doctor appointments a week
injecting yourself multiple times a day/night
getting EIO and PIO'd by your DH
dr B or dr K calling in the meds before they are gone for the day and the emergency line picks up
freedom delivering the correct meds
shoving suppositories up your hoo-ha
not eating cold stone whenever you want
$150 sonos
a dark purple belly
worrying about whether or not a med is absorbing
worrying about walking up the stairs
worrying about walking down the stairs
worrying about a bumpy car ride
worrying about feta cheese
...i can continue but i'll save the rest for emergencies

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

I think that no matter what, your decision is your decision because you went with your heart and did this out of LOVE. Of course we have to find someone to blame, but negativity toward yourself should never be a motivating factor. I grew up like that, and I am in therapy because of it.

I just read an article about Elizabeth Banks. She is on the cover of Lucky Magazine this month, talking about her decision to pursue surrogacy.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

snipped by me...

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

Posted by LIRascal

I think that no matter what, your decision is your decision because you went with your heart and did this out of LOVE. Of course we have to find someone to blame, but negativity toward yourself should never be a motivating factor. I grew up like that, and I am in therapy because of it.

I just read an article about Elizabeth Banks. She is on the cover of Lucky Magazine this month, talking about her decision to pursue surrogacy.

Message edited 1/3/2012 11:55:18 PM.

Re: A vent like this shouldn't com around too often..

Posted by cateyemm

Posted by LIRascal

I think that no matter what, your decision is your decision because you went with your heart and did this out of LOVE. Of course we have to find someone to blame, but negativity toward yourself should never be a motivating factor. I grew up like that, and I am in therapy because of it.

I just read an article about Elizabeth Banks. She is on the cover of Lucky Magazine this month, talking about her decision to pursue surrogacy.

that's awesome she opened up about it
Maybe you can call her Pennycat!