Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I just wanted to add that there is no guarantee he will not create another account in FB or another email address that you won't know after you ask him to delete it. Forbiding him to have a FB account is not your solution. Demanding his FB password will not solve anything.

The fact that he wants to maintain her as a friend is one of the huge issues, not necessarily the actual content of his communication. Because he can still have communication with her that you might not know of or able to trace. He could get a prepaid cell phone, etc... There are MANY ways to hide things from a spouse.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Just wanted to offer some So sorry you have to deal with this. I do not think I could handle anything more than heaping clothes out the door. I wish you peace through this tough journey.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Sending you tons of . Sorry that you are going through this.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I'm so sorry you are going through this and don't have advice but just a lot of prayers from me. Please don't feel like you are the only one that would want to work things out...I would too. I mean, I'm not in your situation but for the sake of my child I would feel the same way you do. Just about this and you will find the answers you need in time.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I just wanted to send you some hugs .....honestly I have no constructive advice bc Id kick him out and hoped the door hit him in @ss on the way out.

Good luck whatever you do, and you need to look out for you, not your DH feelings.

Message edited 2/17/2010 9:38:06 PM.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Do you have family near by that can help you at all? I would see only a few options...

1) He gives you all access to everything, goes to counseling, alone AND with you...this is the only way he can possibly stay

2) He's gone temporarily, while you both work on the above options

3) He's out...while tough, may save your years of heartache and pain


I wish you the best, I can't imagine what I would do....STAY STRONG!

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I'm so sorry you are going through this!

There are a few things that I see from your post: First, you are truly committed to working on your marriage- DH isn't. A marriage cannot be fixed by one person alone. It has to be a joint effort and without counseling together and complete honesty, I don't see how you can get past this.

Second, your DH is not ready to let go of her. The fact that he won't defriend her on facebook and is holding on to things that remind him of that relationship show that.

Finally, he is still hiding things from you. He coudl have deleted his account. Instead, he changed his password. He is not trying to make you feel better and keep you from driving yourself crazy- he is trying to keep you from snooping on him.

Only you can decide what to do, but remember that most experts say that its better to raise children happily divorced than miserably married. My in laws stayed together until the children left the house- and they all have issues with relationships- the girls have it really bad.

But if it were me: the counseling, defriending her on facebook and open access to all emails, facebook, texts, etc.. would be the first things I need to stay in the marriage.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

So sorry u r going through this. Must be so hard on u everyday. Follow ur heart and ur gut instinct!! So many and for u!!

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

So sorry you are going through this. Sending many hugs your way

Like everyone else had said, it takes two to save a marriage. I don't think your husband understands the gravity of what he did. It's good that you are going to counseling. As you go through therapy, you will find the solutions, clarity and answers you are looking for to make your decision. You are the only one that can decide what's best for you and your child. Children do sense when there are problems and tension in a marriage and it does them more harm than good. You have done nothing wrong and you need to give your husband an ultimatum of what you want him to do to be able to start working on gaining your trust. I'd personally not contact the woman he's having the affair with. You have a relationship with your husband and not with her. I'd personally would have kicked his as* to the curb because once I lose the trust in someone, I can't never regain that. I don't think it will be healthy to live life wondering and thinking when he's out and about what he will be doing. Life is too short to be lived that way. Wishing you the best of luck......

Message edited 2/18/2010 12:03:51 AM.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Hi, crashing here but I just had to respond. First and foremost, I am so sorry you are going through such an awful ordeal I just wanted to add my input as the child of an unfaithful father.

I was about 8 the first time my dad cheated on my mom, my little brother was 5. Both my brother and I were too young to really grasp what was going on at that age. All we knew was that mommy and daddy were fighting and that something bad was happening to our family. My mom decided to forgive my dad for our sakes. Then, when I was 13, my dad cheated again. I felt like he betrayed me also, and started having recurring nightmares about catching my dad with the other woman and doing awful things to them both. Again, my mom forgave him "for the children's sake". I was 18 when he strayed again. I felt like my life was shattering down around me.

Both my brother and I have extreme issues with trust and commitment in our relationships. My motto has always been, "hope for the best, but expect the worst." I would snoop, check emails and messages, get extremely jealous....even without being given a reason. DH is the first and only man I have ever trusted.

My mom finally separated from my father when I was 23. The first thing my brother and I asked was "why did it take you so long??". She started crying, all those years she thought she was doing right by us, but honestly, I sometimes really wish she had left him the first time. Maybe then, it wouldn't have taken my brother and I so long to finally heal and develop healthy relationships.

Sorry for the long-winded post, I just wanted to give you a different point of view. You must decide what is best for you in your personal situation. But unless DH puts in the same effort you are to fix your relationship, your child will sense the underlying hurt, betrayal, and mistrust and IMO I would have rather had a single, happy parent than two married, unhappy ones like I grew up with. Either way, good luck to you, I hope you find some peace soon.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I'm really sorry. I only read a few of the responses. Although I can understand you feeling that you may have let the relationship slide when you were adjusting to motherhood and I understand that circumstances may have lead your husband to have initially said that the affair took place because you did not adjust well to motherhood, I know myself and I know that I could never get over my husband having an affair and then verbally passing any of the blame onto me. It's one thing for me to be hard on myself b/c I am. It's another for a man to blame me for his transgressions. I do not know whether I could get over an affair at all but if he were to blame me when confronted I would not be able to make the necessary effort to continue. I know it could be a lot different if I am ever really in the situation but I do know my limits and want to tell you that you would not be "wrong" for throwing in the towel (nor would you be wrong for sticking it out). We are all here if you need us.

Message edited 2/18/2010 1:35:23 AM.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I am so very sorry you're going through this Everyone has given great advice, but I'm sure what you most need are and You'll get through this, no matter what you decide. My mom survived the same thing, with three children (I was a baby at the time). You do what's right in your heart!

ETA: No one can tell you what to do- you have to do what's right in your heart. I definitely agree with other PPs that going to therapy for yourself is definitely a great start! You're doing the right thing!

Message edited 2/18/2010 6:40:17 AM.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I went through this October 08, right before we found out we were pregnant with DD. DH cheated with his work service manager. He said he wanted a divorce and decided to go to marriage counseling to be able to split on good terms. Marriage counseling really turned things around once the counselor picked his brain about why he did what he did. He helped DH find his priorities and find the real reason he cheated and overcome it. It saved our marriage and we are stronger than ever now.
I would suggest pushing the marriage counseling. Just get him and there and get the counselor to talk to him. Suggest separate session, that is what DH and i did and i think us not being together in the same room really helped. FM me if you want to talk. Anytime.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18

Good luck to you. I don't have any advice but I think the other ladies have given you a lot. And counseling is so important!

Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18

Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18

I would throw EVERYTHING that you found of theirs away. If he freaks out about it, then you know he is still seeing her on the side. If it was over, then he wouldn't care about these things.

Be strong!!!

Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18

I am so sorry you are going though this Only you can make the right decision on what to do. You'll know in your heart whether or not his actions are something you can forgive, get back and trust him again.

I have to admit, it's not something I would be able to do I know myself and what I believe and I could not stay with him if he cheated on me. I would never be able to trust him again and for that fact alone, I could not stay. It would be poison that would just keep killing us.

I might be in the minority, but I don't think staying together JUST for the kids is the right thing to do. I have seen that backfire way too many times

Will it happen to you? Not saying that one bit. If you want to try counseling, 100% do so. If you feel you'll be able to trust him again...then more power to you and I hope that the two of you can work through all this. It's not an easy thing, so please stay strong

Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18

First off, lots of and .

This all comes down to you and what YOU want to do. Not your DH, family or friends. You are in the situation and know better than anyone else if this is worth fighting for or not. I can't imagine how difficult this is, especially when there is a child involved . Based on your post, it does sound like your DH is being selfish and the fact that he just wants to walk away from it like nothing happened, just forget it is wonderful for him, but not for you. I wonder if he has any idea just how much he hurt you and how damaging something like this can be to a relationship. I think therapy is a great start and even if your DH decides not to go, I think it will be great for you. It also bothers me to no end that he continues to be friends with her on FB and thinks that you are crazy or paranoid for wanting him to remove her, etc. I'm sorry but that sh** wouldn't fly with me! He needs to step up and if he is truly sorry and wants to make every effort to save your relationship he needs to give 150%! He should be kissing the ground you walk on right now and no request of yours at this point should be unacceptable to him. He effed up and if he wants to make it right, he is going to have to do everything it takes...up to YOUR standards, not his.

On a sidenote, I grew up with a father who cheated on my mother time after time after time. My mother made every effort to stick it out and make it work for the sake of the kids until one day she just couldn't take it anymore. When I was 16 years old, my mother finally found the courage to leave and it was the best thing she ever did. Growing up in that kind of environment was not easy - the constant fighting, the moving in and out, etc really took a toll on us - and while I know my mom thought she was doing the right thing for us, it honestly caused more harm than good. I'll never forget the day she told me they were getting divorced. She was trying to break the news to me gently and the first words out of my mouth were, "Thank God. What took you so long?" I am not by any means trying to compare the situations, just wanted to give some insight on my experience.

I wish you the very best. Stay strong. You WILL get through this!!

Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18

Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18

...and please be careful with the "getting physical" part. That is one thing that scares me most, personally, when a SO cheats, is the potential health reprucussions the cheating spouse may inflict on the innocent party. Sex doesn't solve problems either. He can not be touchy feely and expect that to make everything go away.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18