Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I agree with everyone who said he needs to break all contact with her. That includes facebook. Sorry, I don't believe he hardly goes on anymore.
And as far as having access to his email address. He can easily get a yahoo or hot mail account. So you may have access to one, but who knows if he set something else up. I'm only thinking this way because it seems he's not ready to give up contact with her.

Best of luck to you.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

no advise.... just

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

My ex husband had an affair for 8 months and it would have still been going on had I not found out. It was devastating to me. We didn't have children so it was much easier for me to end the marriage. Me ex wasn't remorseful at all and that was the problem for me. It seems from his actions that your husband doesn't seem to be either, else he would be doing everything in his power to make you feel better (unfriending her, getting rid of everything connected to the relationship). I didn't get counseling for myself but I probably should have. I actually spoke to the other woman at length and it helped me a lot. Most people would say that it's not a good idea but it helped me see what an azzhole he really was, all the lies he was feeding her and it made it easier for me to let our relationship end.

IMO if you want this marriage to work you need to give him an ultimatum. You need full access to his email, FB account, phone password, everything that will make you trust him again. He needs to want to put in 110%.

Sending you lots of strength and hugs

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

The only way to work things out is if he is totally honest with you about everything that happened, and if he does everything you need him to to make you feel better. If that means giving you all passwords to all accounts, and blocking her on facebook, then he has to do it.

He has to work hard to earn your trust back, and if he isn't willing to do it, then he probably doesn't want to stay in the marriage.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I am so sorry for you. I can't imagine how hard it must be. The fact that he is not willing to unfriend her on facebook is not cool. I don't think he is respecting you. Sometimes its not really best to stay together just for your kids. Hope you can work through this!

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

i have no advice but wanted to send you many and

Message edited 2/17/2010 6:38:14 PM.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

So sorry you are going through this.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I am so sorry

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I have read only some of the responses. To me, it does not seem that he is putting any effort to fix this or to even end this relationship with the other woman. Although he may be sorry, it seems like what he is sorry most about is getting caught.

Trust is so key in a marriage, and it may be hard for you to ever trust him again, especially since he seems to just want to pretend it never happened...that may be easy for him to do, but it will never be easy for you to do. I am glad you are going to therapy. I think that will give you the strength you need to make the important decisions that come next. Although I totally understand why you want to work this out for your child's sake, please understand that kids, even young ones, pick up on things pretty easy. No one should ever teach their child to treat their spouse with disrespect like your husband is doing. On another note, be conscious about what message staying with him when he treating you this way is sent as well. No child wants to see their parents hurt or miserable. As a parent, I'd imagine you'd want to demonstrate a happy, trusting relationship for your child. People who stay for the sake of their children usually wind up just delaying the inevitable.

I'm not, nor would I ever want to try to make this decision for you or tell you what to do. However, something needs to change here. If it were me I would throw him out because I would never be able to trust him again. I would always imagine him cheating on me and this is no way to live...especially when there may be someone out there who could provide a stable, loving, trusting relationship for you and your child that your husband was not able to. I think your child would understand why you left when they got older and respect you for it.



Stay strong.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Posted by smdl

I am sorry you are going through this. I applaud you for trying to make it work and going to counceling.

The issue for me is that he does not seem to do any effort to make it work.

It looks like he is "willing" to stay in the marriage but not really leaving her. If he keeps her on FB that usually means he is not stopping communication with her. Who keeps in touch with a mistress if they no longer going to have a relationship? KWIM?

In order to "attempt" to make it work, she HAS TO be out of the picture COMPLETELY!

It seems like he wants his cake and eat it too. Thinking you will put up with it because you want to save this marriage.

So the question really is, are you willing to share him with someone else just to save your marriage? What will be your breaking point?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

It takes two people to make a relationship work and from what you said, it seems like it's all about him right now when it should be about you. He was wrong - not you. He should be kissing your azz and doing whatever you want to fix it.

That being said, there is one question you need to ask yourself: Am I better off with him or without him? When you answer that you'll know what to do.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

It sounds like your DH is confused over what happened here. He cheated on you- not the other way around. He is mistaking the fact that you want to work on your marriage as you accepting what he did. And honestly, I think you need to put him in his place and clear things up. You do NOT accept what he did. What he did is NOT ok. And you are NOT going to just forgive and forget. If he wants the marriage to work, he's going to need to be the one to put in the bulk of the effort for now.
I am so sorry you're going through this.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I'm sorry but he broke your trust not the other way around. From what you are saying it doesn't seem like he wants to work at your marriage or he is dillusional or a little bit of both.

He needs to cut off all contact with her ASAP...including defriending her from FB. The fact that he changed his FB password would make me livid.

I think you need to set some boundaries. Tell him if he is willing to work on this he needs to give you all his passwords, phone logs, etc. and he needs to attend marriage counseling. If he doesn't then I think you should kick him out. Sometimes a separation is needed in order for both parties to clear their heads.

He should feel embarassed that he had an affair...he was wrong not you. Thats a copout excuse for not going to marriage counseling...that should make him want to go to get help not the other way around. I'm pretty sure marriage counselors have dealt with affairs and much worse...you should tell him that.

Unfortunately you trying to work on this marriage alone is only going to get you more hurt if he doesn't want to go to counseling and continues ANY contact with her.

Sorry to sound harsh but I know what you are going through. As far as confronting her you need to think of how that is going to make YOU feel. Maybe it will make you feel better and maybe she needs to put a face to the name so it can become real for her. Affairs are usually the result of some fantasy and once reality hits she may feel different about it. On the other hand if confronting her is going to make you feel more hurt than don't do it. You have to guard YOUR feelings first.

Trust me its better for your DC to have a truly happy mother then to see a mother who stood in a relationship just for the child. I really hope your DH has a change of heart and puts all his effort in working on your marriage. Sorry you had to go through this

Message edited 2/17/2010 8:13:31 PM.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Well, as far as FB, I've asked him about 3 times to unfriend her and he says stupid things like "I dont even go on there" and "I dont know how". I told him I'd show him but he says I'm be ridiculous.



Okay the fact that he won't delete her or get rid of her in your life, means he's not ready to let her go. I'm sorry. But if he wanted to work on you two and make it better with you... then it shouldn't be a ridiculous notion for him to delete her from your lives. Because he hurt you so badly, he shouldn't even question that request.

Are you sure it's over with them? It really doesn't sound like it is...

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I didn't read all of the replies but I just wanted to give you some . I think youri instinct is correct and you have to go with that. I don't buy what you said about him not wanting you to see his facebook page b/c it will drive you crazy. If he wanted you to feel secure, he would give you full access to it. Well I guess that's JMO.

I don't do well with mistrust so I have no advice for you. But if he said he would work it out, then he needs to follow through with that. I personally would call him on these things I found if I were you, i just could not keep it in. He really doesn't sound like he thinks he did anything much wrong.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I can't imagine what you are going through. I know it's not much but I want to offer many

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

If you are goint to give him another chance, you should have full access to everythink at all times, email, phone etc...dont let him make it seem like he is the victim, if hes not willing to do that then you have your answer right there!! so sorry...

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I don't believe a word that he says when he tells you that he doesn't know how to get rid of someone on fb. He also says that he's never on it and then goes and changes his password? He is hiding her from you and everything else he has on there.

I'm glad you're going to counseling for yourself. That is a step in the right direction.

I would not be able to look in in the face, sleep in the same bed as him, or speak to him after what he did.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

i am so sorry. after becoming a mother i agree with you that the feeling of wanting to stay a family means so much more when looking at the little baby... that being said...

1.Any items in the house connected to her MUST be removed.

2.Facebook- he MUST REMOVE her as a friend AND BLOCK her. If shes' married and hes married i doubt there is much they will post on each others pages. But if you block the person you cant exchange private inbox messages. If he's never on it- then he wont mind giving you his password to it and you can block her for him.

3. I'd also be very tempted to get a program which can record what the computer is doing. I'd be wondering if he created any additional email addresses (like free hotmail ones).

Message edited 2/17/2010 9:06:48 PM.