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Danamz
LIF Adult
Member since 6/06 1978 total posts
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
Oh god...first of all  I don't usually try to give advice on such serious subjects, but I just want to say it sounds like HE is the one who had the problem with adjusting and you should seriously not blame yourself for his actions EVER!
The other thing is I always say that would be the end, but I know if god forbid I found out suddenly that he had been cheating, I don't know if I would be prepared to to what I needed to leave and be on my own..., but my gut instinct would be to kick him out.
It would be a HUGE problem for me if he was unwilling to work it out the way you need to.
And the fact that he was hanging on to things/still friends on fb, etc...not cool.
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Posted 2/17/10 3:16 PM  |
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MikesWife
Wanting...........
Member since 1/06 6887 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
First, I am so sorry you are going through this.
From what I read, this reeks of continual betrayal. I just see no reason for him not to "unfriend" her on FB unless he is or wants to be in continual contact with this person. Damn - if he was serious in trying to work this out I would make him get off of FB completely.
I commend you for wanting to work things out - I'm not sure I would have it in me.
He needs to understand the severity of your heartache and the depth of his betrayal. He should be willing to climb mountains to put your marriage back together.
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| Posted 2/17/10 3:16 PM |
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Shorty
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Member since 5/05 30390 total posts
Name:
really
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
Posted by headoverheels
I am so mad for you  I agree with Diana, it doesn't seem like he cares that he hurt you so badly. If my DH ever cheated on me, he would need to be bending over backwards to regain my trust. I am sorry your DH isn't doing that.
I don't think you need to make any drastic decisions now. Keep going to counseling, and take care of yourself. If the counseling is at all helpful, it will allow you to decide what you want to do, and what is best for you and your child - whether that means forgiving your DH or kicking him to the curb.
Good luck, we're always here for you! 
i couldn't say it any better.
Hang in there
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| Posted 2/17/10 3:17 PM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name:
remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
Posted by NeedSupport
Posted by Ophelia
first of all, two things NEED to happen.
your home must be PURGED of anything that had to do with their "relationship". thrown away. burned in effigy. whatever you want. whatever makes you comfortable.
and, he MUST defriend her. an absolute MUST. there is just no way I would sit by and allow him to be friends with a woman he slept with. no. NO.
what I get from you is that you don't believe they've totally ended their contact.
Well, I've found some things when I went looking. but, he dosent know I know. Do I get rid of them and see if he find out tht I did when he goes to look for them? Or, Do I make him get rid of them?
As far as FB, she blocked me so I can't see her on thre at all. but a friend of mine who knows whats going on looked for me the other day and found that she was still his friend. I can't go on his FB account anymore b/c he changed the password when I told him I went on his page. he said that he changed it b/c he didn't want me to drive myself insane looking all the time (partly true) but I also told him that when he dosent give me access to things then it makes him look suspicious. If wasn't hiding anything, then I'd be able to look.
Part of me does think that they are in contact with one another. She hasn't emailed him (I have his email password) as far as I can tell. I have her address and I went to her house but she wasnt home. I honestly wasnt even going to talk to her. I just wanted to see where she lives. I know a lot about her b/c I googled her and I checked her out on FB. I have her private email address. I want to contact her so badly but I know it wont do me and my DH any good. AND, to boot, she is married too. So, I want to tell her husband everything but, again, it wouldn't do any good.
hmmm...that is tricky. part of me wants to suggest you take whatever it is from its hiding spot and beat him to death with it ( ) but the (ir)rational, plotting...secret agent side says to leave it where it is.
since he doesn't know what you know, it works to your advantage. keep your eye out in these areas (where he hides stuff) for any changes. any new additions.
and you are 100% right...contacting her...telling her husband will do no one any good and will only bring another person (her dh) into this world of pain. I wouldn't do it.
I am so sorry that he did this to you. b/c regardless of whatever issue/complaints he had about your marriage, hurting your spouse in this way is just the meanest, cruelest thing. it causes so much damage...not just in the marriage but in the self. self loathing. self doubt. blows to the self esteem.
the fact that he just refused to address how much damage he has caused just adds salt to the wound.
maybe one day he'll be able to fully man up, accept what he did and how he made you feel. until then, it will be very hard to get over.
I am just sending you extra big, bear hugs. be well. love yourself. it is his flaw that brought you to this point, not yours.
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| Posted 2/17/10 3:17 PM |
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summerBaby10
let's be nice
Member since 9/07 10208 total posts
Name:
Wifey
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
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| Posted 2/17/10 3:18 PM |
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Angel321
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Member since 4/08 15553 total posts
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
i am so sorry.. i know you are in hiding, if you want anyone to talk to, i'm quite a listener & will do anything i can to help!
i have to agree with many pp's - marriage is a two way street. if you are putting your all into it & it CERTAINLY sounds like you are...and he is not - then is it really worth saving?
i do agree with whomever (sorry - not much sleep last night) said that your child will see the results of a not so happy household - speaking as ONE OF THOSE CHILDREN..... do what you can & know that you are doing what is RIGHT FOR YOU!!!!
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| Posted 2/17/10 3:18 PM |
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SweetCin
My green-eyed boy
Member since 5/05 13499 total posts
Name:
Cin
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
I'm so sorry It truly sounds as if he's in denial about being caught or what he has done. There's no remorse whatsoever.
I think before you make any rash decisions you need to get away from him for a little while to clear your head. Can you stay at a parent's house w/ your baby?
Definitely continue counseling on your own. You need to talk this out & make peace w/ it no matter what you decide to do.
Like the AP said; unless he's willing to give 110% & see his mistake & work towards making this work, it never will. I understand that a child is involved, but I can't get over the fact he's still friends w/ her on FB & has things in the house from her or that he gave her. By "allowing" this, its almost like you're saying okay. You truly need to tell him straight up, if you want our marriage to work, you need to immediately stop any contact w/ her; get rid of anything re: her in the house & start counseling w/ you. If he hesitates; then ask yourself what kind of marriage will it truly be for you & your child.
But again, I think first you need to step away & clear your head before you make any rash decisions.
ETA: Did he know her previously from school & then "hook up" w/ her through FB or did he totally meet her online & didn't know her b4? Not that it really matters
Message edited 2/17/2010 3:24:03 PM.
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| Posted 2/17/10 3:19 PM |
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kmac
Two under two!
Member since 5/07 3703 total posts
Name:
Kris
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
So sorry you are going through this.
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| Posted 2/17/10 3:20 PM |
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patti08
Happy
Member since 5/05 3893 total posts
Name:
Patti
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
Posted by NeedSupport
Well, I've found some things when I went looking. but, he dosent know I know. Do I get rid of them and see if he find out tht I did when he goes to look for them? Or, Do I make him get rid of them?
As far as FB, she blocked me so I can't see her on thre at all. but a friend of mine who knows whats going on looked for me the other day and found that she was still his friend. I can't go on his FB account anymore b/c he changed the password when I told him I went on his page. he said that he changed it b/c he didn't want me to drive myself insane looking all the time (partly true) but I also told him that when he dosent give me access to things then it makes him look suspicious. If wasn't hiding anything, then I'd be able to look.
Part of me does think that they are in contact with one another. She hasn't emailed him (I have his email password) as far as I can tell. I have her address and I went to her house but she wasnt home. I honestly wasnt even going to talk to her. I just wanted to see where she lives. I know a lot about her b/c I googled her and I checked her out on FB. I have her private email address. I want to contact her so badly but I know it wont do me and my DH any good. AND, to boot, she is married too. So, I want to tell her husband everything but, again, it wouldn't do any good.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!! That is something you need to remember, every minute of every day. He has shown you little remorse and almost no respect. He shattered your trust and hurt you tremendously. He needs to deal with that, and allow you to deal with it...and deal with how you deal with it. He needs to give you unfettered, open access to FB and ALL of his email accounts. If the email account you know about shows no emails from her how do you know he isn't using a different account? He needs to get rid of everything relating to her. Make him do it. Be mad, you have every right to be. Don't walk on egg shells let him know you know that stuff is there. Tell him that he must de-friend her immediately and end all contact. This is by no means an unreasonable request. He lost all your trust with his actions, you have every right to investigate everything.
I know you can only make the decision when you are in the situation. If it were me I would insist on counseling together or this would be a deal breaker for me. If he isn't willing to deal with it, on your terms then he isn't willing to put 100% into your marriage. He betrayed you, by NO fault of your own. He needs to own up to it and it doesn't sound to me like he is. 3 days of emotion doesn't just fix something like this that you can move on from.
I wish I could offer you more help. I hope you are talking about this with friends or family IRL, you need the support of those who love you, for you and your DC regardless how this ends up.
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| Posted 2/17/10 3:27 PM |
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Kidsaplenty
Sister love
Member since 2/06 5971 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
Go to survivinginfidelity.com. It is a very valuable resource.
I will say, your relaitonship will not be able to heal if he' still pining over her by keeping things in your house, or talking her on facebook. I would tell him that throwing away everything, ending all contact, and going to marriage counseling are non-negotiable if he wants to remian married to you.
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| Posted 2/17/10 3:28 PM |
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curliegirl
He's here!!!!
Member since 3/06 10128 total posts
Name:
Gina
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
Unfortunately your husband is in a position where he has severely impacted the trust you placed in him. By going to counseling and telling him you want to save your marriage, he seems to be looking at it as your "get out of jail free" card.
He feels he has full license to go on with life as normal and not put in the effort required to gain your trust back.
You need to make it clear to him that his actions are what caused this huge blemish to your marriage and he needs to take all the actions necessary to make those repairs.
He needs to be stripped down to bare bones to make you more comfortable in trusting him again, eventually.
Changing his FB password would only incense me more I I were you! Not only do you need access to all of his phone records, email and chat site passwords, but FB should be eliminated completely!
Not saying you need to check these things daily, but he needs to know that you have the capability of doing so, that he is not given the opportunity to hide anything again.
He also needs to fully understand the magnitude of what he's done and how you feel. He may view you as being weak for attempting to rectify this, but he NEEDS to see it that you are the only one thus far making the effort and that is not acceptable.
Many  and to you....
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| Posted 2/17/10 3:28 PM |
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pnbplus1
Family
Member since 5/09 5751 total posts
Name:
Mommy
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
First, I commend you for going to therapy on your own. It is so important that you take care of yourself and work on you right now, even if he won't join you. I agree with everyone else that he must de-friend her on FB. There is no justifiable excuse for him to continue being friends with her. None. Period. If he can't do something as simple as that, then something else is going on (i'm not syaing the cheating continues, necessarily, but his behavior says something about what's going on with him). Anyone can sit and tell you that you have to leave, blah, blah, but that decision should be made by you based on what you think, feel, and know so don't let yourself be guided by your family's opinion. You fear of raising your child alone is justifiable and of courseyou want her to have her father around. Just remember that children are very aware of what is goign on around them and so the best environment for her is one where her parents have a healthy relationship, be it together or apart.
Don't make any snap decisions but do keep the communication lines open. You do have to set some rules/boundaries for your DH. One of those has to be no contact with "her." Whatever his excuses, be very clear that unless he can take this step for you, your child, and your marriage, there can be no moving forward.
I wish you lots of strength and support during what is surely a very difficult time in your life.
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| Posted 2/17/10 3:29 PM |
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NeedSupport
LIF Zygote
Member since 12/09 13 total posts
Name:
L
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
Posted by Ophelia
hmmm...that is tricky. part of me wants to suggest you take whatever it is from its hiding spot and beat him to death with it ( ) but the (ir)rational, plotting...secret agent side says to leave it where it is.
since he doesn't know what you know, it works to your advantage. keep your eye out in these areas (where he hides stuff) for any changes. any new additions.
This was acutally my plan. I only found the stuff yesterday and today. I have the ability to check those spots everyday before I leave for work b/c he leaves before me. So, I want to see if anything changes and that will tell me if he is still having contact with her.
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| Posted 2/17/10 3:30 PM |
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eroxgirl
My Loves
Member since 5/05 15697 total posts
Name:
Rebecca
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
I would have quoted Ophelia's advice but I was too busy reading the rest of the thread... but I do completely agree with what she said.
You certainly should continue with the therapy to help you through all this.. I don't like anything you've said about your DH as far as his connections with this woman, the nonsense about not knowing how to defriend her on FB - my computer illiterate mother can figure that out - and the dealing with things the way "he" deals with them..
If he wants to fix his marriage, really show you that he's in this for the long haul and is sorry for what he's done, he needs to do whatever it takes. That includes getting rid of every possible connection to this woman and FACING what he's done, no matter how badly it makes him feel. It should! Avoiding those feelings is a red flag for me.
No matter what you decide to do, please remember to look out for yourself and think of what's best for you and your child in the long run.
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| Posted 2/17/10 3:34 PM |
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Faithx2
All good things in 2016!!
Member since 8/05 20181 total posts
Name:
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
I am so sorry I don't know what I'd do so I can't give advice but I can offer these.....
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| Posted 2/17/10 3:36 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
I haven't read the other responses.
There should be contrition on his part & really he should be taking his cues from you. If that means you need to know details, then you need to know details. If that means he unfriends on her FB, it happens - without question. I believe there are many things that happen in a marriage that lead to someone having an affair. Sometimes marriages suck. That doesn't give him a get out of marriage free card. So it may be true that things have changed since you've had a baby, pointing that out to you tells me that he is not looking to take responsibility for his own actions.
It is noble to work on saving your marriage for your children, but asking you to "forgive and forget" isn't going to happen. It's unfair of him to ask.
You can try 110% to save this marriage but if he's not there & willing to work on his end, you cannot save it by yourself.
So what you should do is go to therapy & focus on you. Get strong, stay strong. I do know marriages that have crumbled by infidelity and marriages that were made stronger but both need to want that.
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| Posted 2/17/10 3:53 PM |
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Xelindrya
Mommy's little YouTube Star!
Member since 8/05 14470 total posts
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Veronica
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
Posted by Ophelia
first of all, two things NEED to happen.
your home must be PURGED of anything that had to do with their "relationship". thrown away. burned in effigy. whatever you want. whatever makes you comfortable.
and, he MUST defriend her. an absolute MUST. there is just no way I would sit by and allow him to be friends with a woman he slept with. no. NO.
what I get from you is that you don't believe they've totally ended their contact. that is also a must. not doing so is a clear sign he cannot put his marriage and you first.
this is the world war of marriage battles. trust has been shattered. the way you look at him has changed...the way you think he feels about you is just...gone. all of that needs to be recaptured.
it's a good thing you are in therapy. once you are stronger, I think it's something you have to set as a stipulation to your marriage going forward.
he is probably protecting himself by not wanting to go...no one wants to admit they did a horribly dickish thing. so sweeping it under the rug and carry on works for him.
some people can't handle the guilt...can't handle the sight of the pain they've caused in others.
too bad. don't let him off that easily.
I am sorry hun. I am praying for you. and only an fm away. good luck.
I totally agree
That FB thing is beyond insulting as is keeping the stuff. Id toss everything myself, personally and after asking several times, I guess I am a B-itch cause I'd give him the cold shoulder/guilt trip until he clearly understood how much that simple/stupid whatever he calls it thing is absolutely killing you.
and Kudos for giving it YOUR best!
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| Posted 2/17/10 4:13 PM |
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mooshyboo
So Blessed!
Member since 11/07 6297 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
I am so sorry you are going through this! Keep going to therapy and you will do what you feel is right for you and your child!
Message edited 2/17/2010 4:26:58 PM.
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| Posted 2/17/10 4:26 PM |
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sweetie101
you make me smile :o)
Member since 5/08 4419 total posts
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
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| Posted 2/17/10 4:30 PM |
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hunnybunnyxoxo
this is what it's all about
Member since 11/07 3321 total posts
Name:
Lisa
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
i am so sorry you are going through this!!
its hard enough already that you have to forgive and repair the marriage after his infidelity but on top of that you dont have his support!
i think you need to raise the stakes and threaten divorce if he doesnt come around...
how can you begin to heal and repair the marriage if he is not 100% on board with you? i am so angry for you! and i am so sorry you are going through this.
you are doing everything you can!
Message edited 2/17/2010 4:33:49 PM.
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| Posted 2/17/10 4:33 PM |
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JennZ
MY LIFE!!
Member since 8/05 25463 total posts
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
Sorry to be so harsh, but he isn't making an effort o fix this. Your next step should be a lawyer and kick his asss out!
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| Posted 2/17/10 4:33 PM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
No one can tell you what to do...No-one has walked in your shoes, and knows your life..
But, I can tell you what I would do...
I would never let him on Facebook again, what does he ned it for? If he is sorry and wants you to forgive him, IMO this is not a huge deal and would be/should be done asap. I would insist. I would insist on all his passwords and tell him you plan to use them...and that it will forever affect you to have to live that way, but HE did this.
And I would insist on counseling, marriage counseling. I wouldnt ever continue without it. You need a third party.
But that is me, and everyone is different, and I cant tell you not doing those things makes it wrong or to kick him out etc ....
I would just want to see him making every possible effort in the world to gain my trust and forgiveness to even think about moving forward.
i have been through something like this...its devestating. My heart goes out to you.
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| Posted 2/17/10 4:47 PM |
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DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
I just want to say I am truly sorry. I can't give any advice other than what's been given just . I just hope staying with him (under these circumstances anyway) won't make things even more painful. I think in a way, if things were to get better and you BOTH go to counseling it would give you a fresh start and maybe you could have the marriage you've always wanted. BUT if he doesn't agree to go and you just go back to the way things were well what good is that because that is when he strayed outside the marriage I wish you lots of luck and strength
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| Posted 2/17/10 5:02 PM |
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smdl
I love Gary too..on a plate!
Member since 5/06 32461 total posts
Name:
me
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
I am sorry you are going through this. I applaud you for trying to make it work and going to counceling.
The issue for me is that he does not seem to do any effort to make it work.
It looks like he is "willing" to stay in the marriage but not really leaving her. If he keeps her on FB that usually means he is not stopping communication with her. Who keeps in touch with a mistress if they no longer going to have a relationship? KWIM?
In order to "attempt" to make it work, she HAS TO be out of the picture COMPLETELY!
It seems like he wants his cake and eat it too. Thinking you will put up with it because you want to save this marriage.
So the question really is, are you willing to share him with someone else just to save your marriage? What will be your breaking point?
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| Posted 2/17/10 5:17 PM |
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bonitachyc
big sister status may 2012!!
Member since 5/08 3242 total posts
Name:
Lupe
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Re: DH cheated..what do I do?
i am so so so sorry you're going through this. i can't imagine how hard it must be for you. i don't have any advice but there are some great advice-givers on this site, i hope they are able to help you. sending you so many
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| Posted 2/17/10 5:18 PM |
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