DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18

Please don't move to another board. I find the most support from the ladies on this board.

I recently found out that DH has been cheating on me. He met her online and they actually ended up having a 5 month relationship. I caught him IM'ing her and confronted him. I had a feeling something was up but wasn't able to prove it. I even asked him about it and he attributed it to me not adjusting well after having our child. At first, we talked for hours at a time about what everything. While a very difficult decision, we both decided that we are going to work on it for us and for the benefit of our child.

But, it seems as though he isn't interested in working on it. He just wants to pretend like it didn't happen and move on. At first he agreed to go to marriage counseling. But when I made the appointment he refused to go and said he is too embarrased to talk about it. He also said that he dosent want to drag it out even more and make be go through this all over again. What he dosen't understand is that I go through it every day b/c I'm constantly thinking about it.

So, I've decided to go to therapy on my own. I told him this. I told him that I won't let this marriage end b/c I didn't put in 100%. Especially for our child. Now the problem is, he still dosen't seem like he wants to do what is necessary to work things out. He is still keeping things in the house that he gave her, he is still friends with her on facebook, and I feel like he is still hiding things.

Anyone that has been through this, what do you suggest? I know most people would say to just leave him, and I was one of those people in the past too. But, I don't think anyone can say that unless they are in the situation. Especially with a child involved. Part of me wants to tell him to pack his stuff and leave and then he can get a taste of what life would be life without us. But, then the other part of me is afraid that he won't come back. I don't want to raise our child alone.

I'm just so scared and I don't know what to do.

2/18/10- I'd just like to thank you all for the hugs, prayers, and offers of advice and support. Most of what you have all said is what I know. I guess I need some affirmation that my thoughts are okay and it's okay for me to snoop. I don't like to do things in secret, and sifting through his things, for me, is very sneaky. But, I feel I need to do it to pretect myself.

I contacted the therapist b/c I hadn't heard back in a few days and I have my first appointment on Wednesday. It honestly couldn't come fast enough. I don't have the courage to talk to DH b/c he gets so angry when I try to tell him how I'm feeling. He tells me that he gets angry not at me, but at himself b/c he knows he caused this. But, in the end it has caused me to withdraw from him b/c I don't feel safe enough to share with him.

I need to him to purge all of the things in my house that are connected to "her." But, I haven't told him that I know what is in the house b/c I want to see if there are any changes to what I've found. If nothing changes, then I will tell him I found the things and I want them gone. Until then, I can't sleep at night b/c some of the items are in my bedroom and all I can do is think about them.

He wants to hug, kiss, and try to be physical so we can work on getting back to the place that we were before. I've tried but it's so hard to get the idea of them out of my head. It's as though she is there in the room with us. How do I move past that?

Thank you all for your words of support. You have no idea how much it means to me b/c there are not many people in my life that know, so my support system is limited.

Message edited 2/18/2010 7:41:02 AM.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I am so sorry he did this to you, and I commend you on your efforts to heal your marriage ! I am sorry I don't have any advice ,but I just wanted to send some hugs your way !

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

The thing that bothers me the most is that he doesn't seem sorry for what he did to you. The fact that he doesn't want to go to counseling and is trying to blow it off makes me very angry. You are willing to try and forgive him and move on, and he's not making any effort at all.

I would also demand that he unfriend her on FB and have nothing to do with her from here on out.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Oh boy. I'm honestly not sure what I would do but here's a lot of

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I am so sorry and don't know what I would do in your situation different from what you are already doing. I would want to work it out for my child's sake on one hand, not wanting to have to put my child through a divorce and the aftermath of one- joint custody, splitting time, holidays, etc (and selfishly not wanting to give her up to "share her".) On the other hand, if the child is going to be surrounded by such a great deal of unhappiness, is it worth making it work for the child if really they are not going to be living in a happy home?

I think counseling would be good first step, and if not together at least for you.

I wish I had more advice to offer, but just want to send you hugs and prayers

Message edited 2/17/2010 2:50:48 PM.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I don't really have experience with this BUT I would say that if he isn't willing to put in the time or effort to try and make it work and if he is still in contact with the other woman (even if it's just FB) then I would say maybe you need to consider the possibility he is not interested in saving your marriage. I know things are SO much harder now that you have a DC and I, like you, would try my hardest to make it work but only if DH was willing to put in equal effort (if not more). Without the two of you being on the same page in terms of working it out I don't see how you will be able to move past this and save your marriage. His first move HAS to be getting rid of anything she gave him and cutting off ALL contact with her. If he can't do that I think you need to start rethinking things because clearly at that point he isn't ready to move on.

I hope that everything works out for you. So sorry you're going through this.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

what a terrible thing for you to be dealing with. I would continue to go to counseling so you can make the best decision for yourself. it's very easy to tell you to leave, but that may not be the best thing for you right now

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Im soo sorry you are going thru this but if he doesn't want to work on it, Im afraid it will be too difficult for you to move past this. The fact that he still has contact with this woman to TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!!! and that should be his first step in showing you that he is serious about your marriage. If he refuses to lose contact with her than I can't see how it could work. It is a slap in your face and completely and utterly disrespectful to you and your marriage!!

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

First off... I am sooo sorry you are dealing with this. It's not right. I haven't gone through this, but I did with my sister. She just had her third child and the relationship was going down hill. Actually, it happened around the time she got pregnant.

I'm not going to tell you what you should do, but know if you are the only one wanting to work on the relationship to make it work for your DC then it's not healthy. Your child may be young, but will know that mommy and daddy don't get along. You have to push him to work on the relationship and end everything with this other girl. If not then there's no way you can move forward together in a healthy relationship. A relationship isn't 50/50... it's 100/100. You can't put in 175 and give him the rest.

BTW... in the end my sister did leave her ex-DH. She knew it was the right thing b/c he gave up. His life went downhill from there and she actually met a wonderful man a year later online. He treats the three children like his own and he brought his daughter into their relationship AND they had a baby together. It's crazy, but they work incredible and now my niece and nephews see how a man treats a woman. They respect my bro-in-law like their father.
I don't know the whole situation, but I will for you and hope it works out. If you want to stay together for your child your child has to see a healthy and happy relationship or your DC will start showing the effects of an unhappy family

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

first of all, two things NEED to happen.

your home must be PURGED of anything that had to do with their "relationship". thrown away. burned in effigy. whatever you want. whatever makes you comfortable.

and, he MUST defriend her. an absolute MUST. there is just no way I would sit by and allow him to be friends with a woman he slept with. no. NO.

what I get from you is that you don't believe they've totally ended their contact. that is also a must. not doing so is a clear sign he cannot put his marriage and you first.

this is the world war of marriage battles. trust has been shattered. the way you look at him has changed...the way you think he feels about you is just...gone. all of that needs to be recaptured.

it's a good thing you are in therapy. once you are stronger, I think it's something you have to set as a stipulation to your marriage going forward.

he is probably protecting himself by not wanting to go...no one wants to admit they did a horribly dickish thing. so sweeping it under the rug and carry on works for him.

some people can't handle the guilt...can't handle the sight of the pain they've caused in others.

too bad. don't let him off that easily.

I am sorry hun. I am praying for you. and only an fm away. good luck.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I am so mad for you I agree with Diana, it doesn't seem like he cares that he hurt you so badly. If my DH ever cheated on me, he would need to be bending over backwards to regain my trust. I am sorry your DH isn't doing that.

I don't think you need to make any drastic decisions now. Keep going to counseling, and take care of yourself. If the counseling is at all helpful, it will allow you to decide what you want to do, and what is best for you and your child - whether that means forgiving your DH or kicking him to the curb.

Good luck, we're always here for you!

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I am so sorry you are dealing with this

I don't like that he is so blase about being friends with her on facebook and keeping things he gave her in your house. As sorry as he may be, I would think if he truly was sorry - he would make some kind of effort to mend the hurt he has caused YOU. I think it is wonderful for you to attend counseling with or without him - it may make you see things clearer speaking to a therapist. My DH went through this with his first marriage and I know how it destroyed him.

If he were willing to make some kind of an effort to show you he wanted your marriage to work I would say give him the chance. No one but you has to walk in your shoes and look your child in the eye to tell your story. But he really does need to do something in order to let you see you and your DC are what is important to his life. I feel that if any type of effort does not come from him, can he truly be sorry and want your marriage to work?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

IMHO, his **** would be on the curb. I respect you for trying to make it work but he is not doing the same

be strong, you deserve better

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Posted by Ophelia

first of all, two things NEED to happen.

your home must be PURGED of anything that had to do with their "relationship". thrown away. burned in effigy. whatever you want. whatever makes you comfortable.

and, he MUST defriend her. an absolute MUST. there is just no way I would sit by and allow him to be friends with a woman he slept with. no. NO.

what I get from you is that you don't believe they've totally ended their contact. that is also a must. not doing so is a clear sign he cannot put his marriage and you first.

this is the world war of marriage battles. trust has been shattered. the way you look at him has changed...the way you think he feels about you is just...gone. all of that needs to be recaptured.

it's a good thing you are in therapy. once you are stronger, I think it's something you have to set as a stipulation to your marriage going forward.

he is probably protecting himself by not wanting to go...no one wants to admit they did a horribly dickish thing. so sweeping it under the rug and carry on works for him.

some people can't handle the guilt...can't handle the sight of the pain they've caused in others.

too bad. don't let him off that easily.

I am sorry hun. I am praying for you. and only an fm away. good luck.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

First of all I'm so sorry you're going through this. I went through this with my sons father. It started with one girl and after I forgave him for the sake of my son it just continued and over the years I found out about other women. I endured alot just to keep my family together. He would be super nice and helpful AFTER he was caught cheating then after a while go back to the same old things. The last 3 years was spent with me trying to work it out and keep my family together and it got to the point that I started getting phone calls from other women he was cheating with. He and I started fighting alot and ended up leaving him. It was the hardest thing till this day (this was 10years ago) that I've ever had to do. My only regret was that I didn't leave him sooner. I was heartbroken and didn't date anyone for about 2 years. I didn't want to raise DS alone either however thats exactly what I ended up doing. Now have a husband who loves me and my child.

Unfortunetly nobody can tell you what is best. You have to leave him IF its really what you want and when you are ready to do it. It seems like you're trying your best but it can't be one sided. If he's not willing to work on the marriage atleast you can walk away knowing that you tried. My only advice is don't be stuck in a marriage where you are miserable, paranoid and anxious for the sake of your child b/c it will only be harder on your child as he gets older. Younger children adjust easier to separation it seems.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Posted by Ophelia

first of all, two things NEED to happen.

your home must be PURGED of anything that had to do with their "relationship". thrown away. burned in effigy. whatever you want. whatever makes you comfortable.

and, he MUST defriend her. an absolute MUST. there is just no way I would sit by and allow him to be friends with a woman he slept with. no. NO.

what I get from you is that you don't believe they've totally ended their contact. that is also a must. not doing so is a clear sign he cannot put his marriage and you first.

this is the world war of marriage battles. trust has been shattered. the way you look at him has changed...the way you think he feels about you is just...gone. all of that needs to be recaptured.

it's a good thing you are in therapy. once you are stronger, I think it's something you have to set as a stipulation to your marriage going forward.

he is probably protecting himself by not wanting to go...no one wants to admit they did a horribly dickish thing. so sweeping it under the rug and carry on works for him.

some people can't handle the guilt...can't handle the sight of the pain they've caused in others.

too bad. don't let him off that easily.

I am sorry hun. I am praying for you. and only an fm away. good luck.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

Posted by Ophelia

first of all, two things NEED to happen.

your home must be PURGED of anything that had to do with their "relationship". thrown away. burned in effigy. whatever you want. whatever makes you comfortable.

and, he MUST defriend her. an absolute MUST. there is just no way I would sit by and allow him to be friends with a woman he slept with. no. NO.

what I get from you is that you don't believe they've totally ended their contact. that is also a must. not doing so is a clear sign he cannot put his marriage and you first.

this is the world war of marriage battles. trust has been shattered. the way you look at him has changed...the way you think he feels about you is just...gone. all of that needs to be recaptured.

it's a good thing you are in therapy. once you are stronger, I think it's something you have to set as a stipulation to your marriage going forward.

he is probably protecting himself by not wanting to go...no one wants to admit they did a horribly dickish thing. so sweeping it under the rug and carry on works for him.

some people can't handle the guilt...can't handle the sight of the pain they've caused in others.

too bad. don't let him off that easily.

I am sorry hun. I am praying for you. and only an fm away. good luck.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?

I am so glad you are going to therapy. Hopefully it will help you find some clarity and strength. I can't imagine the anger, hurt and betrayal you must be feeling right now. Cheating is one thing but showing no remorse is unacceptable. The fact that he seems to still have ties to this women and refuses to go to counseling says a lot to me. I hope that whatever comes of this situation that you find the happiness you deserve. You seem to be a fairly level headed and kind person. What you deserve is someone who loves and respects you fully.

Re: DH cheated..what do I do?