help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

DH and I won't be throwing DD a party for her 1st birthday. without getting into too much detail - DH and my dad don't get along. The party would just stir up drama between them and since we don't live in NY anyways, we just decided to stay in Chicago and avoid causing trouble between the two. We've tried everything to get passed their disagreements to no avail.

I know that the main reason why we decided to not go back to nyc to throw her party is legitimate, but the fact that DD won't have her extended family around her to sing her happy birthday and to take pictures is tearing me up inside.

my good friend has stressed that the important thing is that DH and I are there with her to celebrate her birthday and that the party in essence is just for the grown ups to have as a memory, but how can i get over this? i had so many things in mind, i wanted to design her invitation, to make her favors, i had so many pages with cute outfits bookmarked, i just feel like i'm never gonna get over the fact that i didn't throw her a big party for her 1st year birthday.

has anyone ever been through something like this or can anyone offer some help/advice? thanks...i guess i'm just feeling so sad about the realization that it won't be happening.

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

No advice since DS is only 4 months old, but lots of .

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

First of all...

Isn't there a way for your dad and DH to just ignore each other for one day at Allison's 1st Birthday party? My brother and sister don't talk and haven't for years, but they were both in my backyard celebrating with Reilly on her special day! I think you should talk to both DH and your dad and tell them how upset you are. Is this going to be an ongoing problem for the rest of Allison's life? Even though you'd have to drag asss to NY, I think if it's important to you to be around the entire family, and to do it as a birthday tradition, then you should do it! Tell your dad and DH to grow up!

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

I can only imagine how upset you are babe! I say if you can't have the big party you want, still go ahead and get her a great outfit, have a really fun day together, take pics, etc. It won't by any means make it easier to know she won't have the rest of the family there with her, but you will be making it special for her and for your new immediate family - the three of you. I hope someone here with parenting experience has some advice for you!!!!

And, I'm so p.o'd for you that you're even going through this!

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

It's different for us. Our families aren't overly friendly, but they do get along well enough for a party. But my parents live in Florida, and the rest of my family is scattered. I was sorry they couldn't be here to see him.

For DSs first birthday, we invited our friends over and a few moms and dads who had children around his age--not many at that point, I think we only had 3 of them over.

But it was really nice all the same. I think we had 20 people total, we had it in our house, and it wasn't too overwhelming for DS.

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

I would ask DH and my father to just suck it up for the day for the babys sake.

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

Oh Lupe how utterly obnoxious that 2 grown men can't find a way to make it work for ONE LOUSY DAY. That irritates the crap out of me.

But I understand if you won't subject your little one to that tension, (and yourselves too), it's totally reasonable to AVOID it if it's just going to make you all uncomfortable.

Luckily you can still celebrate the HELL out of her 1st bday...

Go get those fancy invitations. Send them to everyone, even though you know they won't be flying to chicago. Send 'em anyway (DH's parents are in Ireland and we sent them to his family so they felt included, they loved 'em). Keep one for her baby book too.

Get the fancy outfit(s), get the fancy cake, etc etc etc. Make a big deal out of her day. Hire a photographer to get GORGEOUS family shots of the 3 of you. (Use the money you WOULD have spent on a splashy party/trip to NYC).

All Allison is going to care about is that YOU two are there and you love her. That's it, end of story. But I will cross my fingers that your DH and dad can find a way to work something out, since she's going to have a birthday EVERY YEAR as well as Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.

Otherwise, going forward, I'd have to do my family things and NOT invite my Dad. That's a last resort but if he doesn't respect my marriage, he doesn't respect me and he doesn't get to participate in the "good stuff" if he's going to seek out opportunities to hurt MY family.

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

You know what you need to do. I have all my family too far to come see AJ so it wasnt even an option. I am grateful everyone is healthy and happy and that's all you can ask for really.

I am one who didnt throw a party because I wanted it to be about the three of us like it was a year earlier. She's too young to remember but we remember and I must say it was nice to just soak her in on that day. Just the two of us. To smile and realize she's all ours. Family is great but for all that they are a chore even on good days!

Here's an example of why you'll be just fine.... on my 15th birthday quinceanera party... a cousin walks up to me and says "hi .. its been so long" and im thinking who the heck is this guy?! My father tells me how we are related and the cousin says "its been 14 and a half years since I've seen you! Do you remember?" and I told my dad later "really, I was less than a year old and he thinks i remember????!"

I'm just used to it tho. Growing up military meant family was always too far. This was before internet and cell phones of course. We used to send tape cassettes sometimes or just call up and let us 'talk' to grandma, etc. There's always times to hang out with family. As kids we didnt care, the only difference from friends vs cousins is one we had to be nicer to.

It will turn out fine.

Take photos of her at the Aquarium (btw i love the chicago aquarium) and use it as a birthday card to send out.

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

thank you so much everyone for the hugs and advice

unfortunately, having them suck it up for one day is not a possibility. they just DONT get it. well, my husband does but my dad doesn't and that's half the problem right there. everything in this world has been tried to get them to get over their issues for ONE day to no avail. i wish it was that easy!

i love your suggestion colette, to go all out anyways for her party. i feel bad it's kinda lame it being just the 3 of us, but as xelindra pointed out, we're military and we're gonna have to get used to family being far away all the time. i'm gonna do it, gonna go all out!

i knew i could count on you girls to cheer me up and feel better!!

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

WhooHoo!

You go girl!

Take tons of photos!

You are hereby required to share with your LIF family

Enjoy yourself cause the more fun YOU have the more fun SHE will have!

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

What about doing a little party here if you can come up this Winter? Alexa and I would be there.. heck if you want you can do it at my house

Men are such a PITA

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

I'm sorry they are making this so hard for you.
Not exactly the same situation, but a friend of mine and her husband's families both live in Chicago and they are here in NY. For their DD's first birthday, they threw a party for all her DD's "friends" - it was all couples with babies about the same age, people she had met in a playgroup, plus us. It was really nice, and I can honestly say the babies had a good time. It w as in her apartment, nothing fancy, but still a celebration.

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

Maybe you can design her own personal Birthday Web-Page or something like that ? Where you can send out the link to the extended family, you can still have a great day with your DD and capture it in photos of her in her pretty dress, maybe make a video montage etc...Sort of a virtual birtrhday party type of thing since you are out of state ?

Either way I'm sure your DD will have a great day and you will have a great memory of her special day !

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday

Posted by Bops

Maybe you can design her own personal Birthday Web-Page or something like that ? Where you can send out the link to the extended family, you can still have a great day with your DD and capture it in photos of her in her pretty dress, maybe make a video montage etc...Sort of a virtual birtrhday party type of thing since you are out of state ?

Either way I'm sure your DD will have a great day and you will have a great memory of her special day !

Re: help, pls? need hugs and advice re dd's 1 year birthday